Thinking about moving away from my son

[BryanR]

Hi. I have really been struggling with this situation for the past year. Looking for some feedback or maybe someone else dealing with a similar experience.

I have a 4yr old son with my now ex. She convinced me 2 years ago to move out of my home state which I loved and move across the country. Things didn't work out between us and now I'm stuck here because she's not going back and my son is here. My family and friends are all back in my home state and I honestly have a better life set up for me there.

I still trying to keep it positive where I'm living and make the best of it for my son. I'm going to give it another 1 - 2 years before I decide if I'm moving back or not.

Is it wrong of me to leave my son for my own mental health? I figure I would set up visitation that he would come visit me a couple times per year and regular zoom calls. Then maybe when he's 18 he'll want to come live with me or go to college out where I'd be living. We'll pick things up in life when he's an adult.

Thoughts?

You’ll see him once a year for the next 12-14 years and expect to have any sort of relationship at all when he’s an adult?

I mean, make your choices but don’t fucking delude yourself. You’re abandoning your kid.

Yes I understand what the right decision should be. My parents got divorced when I was really young but my dad has always been there.

I'm just really not happy in the state I'm living in. It's OK, but I feel like I'm living my ex's life. I'm so glad I made it out of that bizarre relationship. There's no way I'll be 100% happy now because I'm torn between 2 places. I know if I meet someone when I'm ready I'm sure my feelings will change. That's why I'm trying to stick this out.

Are you my ex husband? Abandons his kid but thinks kid will be searching for him and desperate for a relationship when he's "older".

Reality : Our son is counting down to being able to change his surname and sever any further ties. There will be no relationship going forward.

Yea but does your ex actually want to have a relationship with his kid?

I still would with my son

What’s more important, your happiness or your child’s happiness? We all make sacrifices for our children. Grow up and put him first.

Are you in the US? Why would you only be able to see him twice a year?

A bit harsh to call it abandoning, if it's not and many mums do like to weaponise kids.

I think you two need to understand you two are a problem and then there is the child. And just because you don't work, it doesn't mean the child has to suffer.

The kids needs a male role model, esp his dad. Now if she hates you, she will skew abandonment in his head and he'll just start to feel it. But if you actually are there and present then no mum can take your son away.

But the OPa whole opening premise is that he was hoping not to be present except for a couple of visits a year and just reconnect when all the boring child-rearing stuff is over in a decade and a half when his son’s an adult. I mean I guess that’s not technically abandonment, but hands-on, committed parenting it is not.

Yes I'm in the US. Actually it could be more then a couple times a year putting him on a plane to see me. I could fly out to see him for long weekends as well.

Yes she does hate me and hardly co-parents. She has psychological trauma from her childhood that I was brought into our relationship. She definitely would love for me to be out of the picture and start a family over with someone else.

I'm not "hoping " to not be present. I'm 46 and hopefully have many years ahead of me. I feel I need to have my mind right if I'm going to continue on this journey of life as well.

Yeah that definitely ain't gonna work. Maybe when their 40 and now wanna connect with their old man.

Op, if that is true, you yourself don't wanna see your kid, except twice a year, then it's probably better you wish her she finds a good role model step dad for the nipper.

Do you really think you will find happiness in life knowing you will never be close to your child?

Why do you think your happiness trumps your son's right to a father?
So you're not happy? Tough titty.
You get on with things and make the best out of life.
You stick around for your son. Do you have a job? A home?
Get a hobby, make make friends but don't fuck off a plane ride away from your child.

Yes I have some of that. Just had to stabilize my life after the break up. Don't have many friends here but I haven't made the effort. I have a regular job and a side job as a hobby so between that and 50/50 custody I'm busy

No, I don't. Even if I moved back to my home state I would not be 100% happy because he is not with me

So make the effort not excuses.

I figure I would set up visitation that he would come visit me a couple times per year and regular zoom calls. Then maybe when he's 18 he'll want to come live with me or go to college out where I'd be living. We'll pick things up in life when he's an adult

This has got to be a wind up. No way someone would say "we'll pick things up in life when hes an adult"

Not having it that a 46 year old man thinks this is okay 😅 your either on a wind up or your a massive narcasist

Male mental health is often overlooked. It's ok for you to replenish yourself. You are probably depleted from your marriage and actually feel your emotion bucket is empty. One usually needs to retreat and rejuvenate. And then go again. If you do that for a year then up the game. This 12 months off will only be a blip. And after 6 7 yer old, the kid will be sound enough to recognise your love and attention.

Can you compromise?
Can you find a great job based in the state of, or near the state of, your choice that offers flexible, remote working hours? You could work near your son at least every three weeks.
Can you live part way between both places and travel to see son?
Can you invest in a holiday home in your chosen state and take your son there for long weekends? Then, when your son is older and when you retire you can move back there.

Concentrate on earning as much as you can, at your age. Make sound investments with your money and spend regular time with your son.

If your wife has trauma from her childhood, why would you leave your son with her?
Wouldn’t it make more sense to take custody of your son and allow your wife to seek the help she needs and deserves?

You also need to consider that while many women will date a man with a child, a subset of those women will not date men who don’t take their parenting responsibilities seriously. A high-quality partner will not want to pair with a man who moves away from his child.

spend the money you would spend on travel and increased child support on a mix of therapy and local recreational activities for yourself. Consider joining the pta at your child’s school or at least volunteer when they ask for help. You will meet other parents that way. Find peace within yourself and build ties to your new home.

I’d never move away from my child especially at 4

You have 50/50 custody ? And you’d give that up for a couple of visits a year ?

I know parents move away from their kids all the time, and I can understand that (even if I think it's shit) when they're only EOW parents because often they've checked out of meaningfully parenting their kids anyway. So it doesn't really matter if they live 20 miles away or 200 miles, they're already failing to provide what their kids need.

But if you're doing 50/50 atm, then you are a meaningful parent and your DS needs you. There is a tendency amongst men to downplay the impact on their kids of their shitty parenting because society sets the bar so low for fathers - "I pay maintenance when many don't", "I take my kid to football each week, not all dads do that", "I see them EOW which is more than some dads". And because there are fathers who are worse than them, they kid themselves that what they're doing is enough and there is no impact on their children.

No one is going to stop you from moving away and you do need to find some way to balance your needs better with your DC's (although ultimately you should prioritise your DC, none of us can pour from an empty cup). But the reality of what you're proposing is that you'll essentially remove yourself from active fatherhood of your child.

You have 50/50 and want to move away and see him a few times a year?

That is horrifying.

I don't care when I am, no one is prying me away from my son.

As far as if you meet someone, I would never date someone who abandoned their kids. That's so wimpy.

I don’t think you’ve given it long enough in the new state, especially as you’ve also gone through a breakup. I’ve made several long distance moves and two years generally isn’t enough time to really settle and make new friends.

I think that you need to stick around and prioritize your son. You’ll also meet other parents through him.