Thinking about moving away from my son

[BryanR]

Hi. I have really been struggling with this situation for the past year. Looking for some feedback or maybe someone else dealing with a similar experience.

I have a 4yr old son with my now ex. She convinced me 2 years ago to move out of my home state which I loved and move across the country. Things didn't work out between us and now I'm stuck here because she's not going back and my son is here. My family and friends are all back in my home state and I honestly have a better life set up for me there.

I still trying to keep it positive where I'm living and make the best of it for my son. I'm going to give it another 1 - 2 years before I decide if I'm moving back or not.

Is it wrong of me to leave my son for my own mental health? I figure I would set up visitation that he would come visit me a couple times per year and regular zoom calls. Then maybe when he's 18 he'll want to come live with me or go to college out where I'd be living. We'll pick things up in life when he's an adult.

Thoughts?

"Share custody, which many farther dint bother with"

You just did the exact same thing to post you're replying to was complaining about. Your arguing that the bar should be lower for this man because other men are even shitter. Would you prase the parenting of woman for sharing custody of her child for a couple of years, before moving a plane ride away?

@MyNewLife2025 I honestly don’t believe there’s any real parallel where a mother would genuinely consider moving states (and remember we are talking 1000s of miles - some states are already over 1000 miles wide by themselves), rarely see their child and just make an assumption that they can have a adult relationship. That would be exceptional enough that it would noteworthy.

My point remains - OP’s opening post was so nonchalant. He didn’t worry about the pain or heartbreak it would cause either him, or particularly his son, if he were to leave. He thought he fine and dandy that after 1-2 visits a year son would just want to move in with him as an adult and they’d pick things back up. There’s such a lack of consideration for the child and it’s all about him. It’s a miserable read. And the fact that so many posters (you included) seem to think it’s completely understandable suggests that’s where the bar is set for men.

If I was in his position was and was utterly miserable I’d be looking at literally any other option first, not considering moving 1000s miles away.

What would your son's life be like if he was with Mum more or less 100%?
What are your hopes for him, his life, his values?
How can you proactively work on improving your life here? (There's a risk that you give it 2 years but then don't really try, just waste those years).
Is there any in between options?
How is the co-parenting relationship, would you be able to negotiate going to your home state with your son for longer periods in some of the holidays in exchange for some kind of quid pro quo (if that is in his interests, suits her and improves things for you).

I’m the kid, except both parents moved away and I was raised by other relatives. Occasional phone calls with people I didn’t and still don’t know, or care about if I’m honest. Occasional visits which I viewed as an intrusion into my home life. I especially resented visits at Christmas because I didn’t want to spend Christmas with these parents but not parents, I wanted to spend it with the people I lived with, my real family.

Your son will not think of you as his father, probably won’t think about you at all. You will be like a distant uncle. You will be replaced in his thoughts and affections by another adult, someone who is there all the time.

I very much doubt you will pick it up as adults. He won’t want to move in with you. As he gets older he won’t want to travel to see you - in 30 years I travelled exactly once for a visit and never bothered again. I don’t think I missed out. I don’t think about it at all, I had a different normal. It’s not just my reality either, I’ve got friends with similar upbringings and they feel the same.

My parents are both alone now, and I have no interest at all in changing that. Who are they to me?

So walk away from your child but be aware that this is your future.

This is potentially hard for UK residents to understand. Imagine living in a democratic blue state and moving to a red neck red state because that is where your son is. Unless you understand how different the US is state by state you can't possibly see how it is almost like moving to a foreign country.

Americans abroad do not say they are from the US, they tell you what state they are from. Each state has its own identity. Utah is Mormon central and very different than California or Montana. The political landscape is polar as you can see in the news. It is completely different to the UK.

The suggestion of zoom calls and flights is not alien in the US where there are a number of jobs that see parents away from their families maybe Monday to Friday maybe for weeks or months on end. The US is huge compared to the UK so a move across country that needs a plane ride is not an easy trip to make and the US "holiday" entitlement is shit. The average is 10, yes 10 days paid holiday. There is no legal right to any paid holiday but most companies offer it.

I can completely understand the OP's situation. Cut off from all their friends and family and potentially in a state that is very different to their own. To drive the length of the UK is about 15 hours, to drive the width of the US 11 days.

Instead of dreaming of going back to where your family is why not focus that energy on actually building a life where your son is? If you go you won't be a father, you'll become at best a fun uncle type figure. What you're fondly imagining won't happen. You leave it's likely you lose him. Children need active involved fathers, not zoom calls and the occasional weekend or half the holidays. As he grows and becomes a teen it's likely he won't want to be away from his friends for half the holidays and you'd see him less and less. The outcome you're imagining is highly unlikely and whatever you say or do he'll feel abandoned and worthless that his father's would leave him. You will purchase your mental health at the cost of his.

There are many things you can do to support your mental health where you are now, including things like counselling and medication if necessary. I have depression and anxiety and a nasty abusive ex, my job as a parent is to make sure those things don't impact my kids. Get out there, get counselling, try medication if needed, don't assume the only solution is leaving your child. If you're a decent person you won't feel mentally healthy after leaving your child anyway. Worst case scenario, you don't do everything to fix this where you are, you move, you harm your child and you find the problem hasn't disappeared and it was all for nothing.

It depends which is most important to you.
Seeing your son regularly and being part of his day to day life or having support and friendships and being somewhere familiar to you and seeing your son less frequently but probably for longer lengths of time.
Only you can know how you will be able to cope in each situation. But you need to be aware that even if you do go back to your home town the people you knew then will have moved on with their lives and life will not be the same as it was before you left.

Imagine living in a democratic blue state and moving to a red neck red state because that is where your son is. Unless you understand how different the US is state by state you can't possibly see how it is almost like moving to a foreign country

Which is something the OP chose to do when the child was two. They chose to agree to the family relocating.

I’m not praising him.
Im saying that some PP are happy to put him down when he is actually already doing all the things he is supposed to do.
Why?

I honestly don’t believe there’s any real parallel where a mother would genuinely consider moving states (and remember we are talking 1000s of miles - some states are already over 1000 miles wide by themselves), rarely see their child and just make an assumption that they can have a adult relationship. That would be exceptional enough that it would noteworthy.

No they are moving away with the child, taking the child away from their father. Is that better??
Or are you saying the father should then follow the ex too?

Fwiw there is currently a thread in Relationship re living away from home.
The OP is living in the US and feeling really depressed about it. Is thinking about separating from someone she loves because she can’t hack being away from her family.
No one is having a go at her. Because it’s hard.

And yes when you have children, you’ll put them first etc…
But it doesn’t stop the fa to that being away from home is hard.
You can recognise that AND appreciate the child should come first.

It is awful - you move away from friends and family to support your family and then end up being a bit part in your child's life - isolated with occasional access to the child it is a very raw deal

I don't think there is automatically the wrong thing to do - but I would say is that it can take easily 5 years to build new friendships and support groups so perhaps focus on that for a while ? Friendships take common experiences to deepen

The best way to do that would be to join in groups that you might find interesting- walking, gym, music, art, languages, and see how you can help / contribute to the group. Don't expect to be accepted immediately- any new group will want to see that you really do stay around and see how your angle adds to the group

When you have a child, you need to put that child first. That doesn't involve seeing him once or twice a year, especially if that involves him flying on his own to visit you.

if you have doubts about the mental stability of the mother, why would you abandon your child like that?

I can’t imagine leaving my kids and seeing them twice a year! It literally wouldn’t enter my mind.

My DHs mum moved a 4 hour drive away when he was 4years old.
He saw her in the school holidays 2-3 times a year, she wrote letter and sent gifts (of the type that indicated how little she knew him).
He sort of felt like she was a distant aunt. His grandma was more like a mother to him.
Now we are marrried with own DC he simply cannot forgive her for moving so far away when he was so small. We are essentially NC now.

You need to make your own friends and networks where you are. Some of the replies here are unhelpful and judgmental.
Don't live your ex's life live your own
Join clubs do what you want to do. On e you have your own network to rely on you'll be great

Put it this way. Tell me what would happen to your son, if his mother decided to do the exact same thing, at the exact same time? And you both (separately) moved away to a different state and keep up via zoom, with a few annual visits? Your son would need to be taken into care because no one parent would be consistently around enough to care for him. It would be considered child abandonment. Just because one parent does it and the other doesn't, doesn't change that for the parent who leaves.

You are both parents and as such, should share equal responsibility.

Honestly, I would never, ever even dream of doing what you're considering. It fascinates me and breaks my heart at the same time, that parents can even consider leaving their kids like this. My own father did it and I have concluded that he simply didn't love us enough. There can be no other reason.

You should do the decent thing and prioritise being a father and make the best for yourself in terms of creating a new life. Fly to your home town a few times of the year instead of to your son.

You can move Op but you have to be prepared that when he turns 18 he may not want anything to do with you

"We'll pick things up when he's an adult".

You won't. It won't happen. He will feel zero obligation to you, and won't want you in his life. Be clear that this is the choice you're making - to not be part of your son's life, for good.

Almost all of parenting is putting aside your needs and desires to prioritise those of your child. If you want to be a parent, that is what you need to do.

Your child isn't a snack you can leave in the cupboard until you're hungry. Relationships don't wait like that

@BryanR

"We'll pick things up when he's an adult".

yeah I think that’s really presumptuous of you OP to assume your son will be in any way inclined to ‘pick up on things’ with you when he’s adult. He might not give a shit.

I get it, OP. Can you spend a month over December there? Bring him for a week of that (or whatever your custody agreement is)?

Is there a neighbourhood in this state that’s more “you”? Not too far from your child, but something that feels like it has more of your identity?

You might regret leaving altogether because, as other PPs said, you won’t have a relationship with him anymore. It depends how depressing being in that place and orbit with your ex is.

You only get one life. What’s important to you? It sounds like your child is, your family of origin is, your hobby. Can you make a bigger splash of all those things?

So that every December you’re there for a month, and your kid is with you for a week or so of that; every summer too if your work allows?

Find a neighbourhood you love?

Start dating again?

If she’s as traumatised a person as you say, your son will need you.

Because he’s a man sadly.

It's OK, but I feel like I'm living my ex's life.

You're living your own life, building on decisions you made in the past. You are not living your ex's life at all and it's unhealthy to keep looking at it that way.

"OK" at present is a good enough foundation for a happy future. Especially with your son. You have work and time with your child. Very few parents of young children have time for much more than that, it's a tough stage of life. You even a hobby that pays and many parents would envy you for that!

You can develop friendships and set aside more time for social life as your son grows up. Your son needs you and the relationship you can build with him is precious even if it's not perfect.

It takes nowhere near 11 days to drive the width of the U.S. It can be done in under 48 hours.