Thinking about moving away from my son

[BryanR]

Hi. I have really been struggling with this situation for the past year. Looking for some feedback or maybe someone else dealing with a similar experience.

I have a 4yr old son with my now ex. She convinced me 2 years ago to move out of my home state which I loved and move across the country. Things didn't work out between us and now I'm stuck here because she's not going back and my son is here. My family and friends are all back in my home state and I honestly have a better life set up for me there.

I still trying to keep it positive where I'm living and make the best of it for my son. I'm going to give it another 1 - 2 years before I decide if I'm moving back or not.

Is it wrong of me to leave my son for my own mental health? I figure I would set up visitation that he would come visit me a couple times per year and regular zoom calls. Then maybe when he's 18 he'll want to come live with me or go to college out where I'd be living. We'll pick things up in life when he's an adult.

Thoughts?

I think you need to work on your mindset about the area you live in. At the moment you believe that your life will be better if you are not in the same state as your ex/back in the same state as your family. If that wasn't true and you could build a good life while still having regular contact with your son, would that make a difference?

My Dad left when I was 4, I saw him monthly at first, then it became 2 or 3 times a year. By the time I was 7 he has a new family and decided not to see me anymore. He sent birthday and Christmas cards. I do not have or want a relationship with him now. I have no feelings for him and no memories of him ever really being part of my life apart from a couple of day trips....and no desire to be part of his life or have him as part of mine. In the past I felt very let down by him, especially around important milestones. Now I feel puzzled by him, I have children and couldn't imagine being away from them ever. My dh has been an amazing father and I cannot imagine him ever wanting to leave our kids. You won't be able to maintain a proper relationship over that distance so what you are planning to do is to leave your son.

He could have just gone to court if he wanted to do his share of child rearing.

You won't have much relationship with him if you see him a few times a year, it's a really unfortunate situation you find yourself in now but in some way you will always be torn in two no matter which state you live in. Could you only see your son that many times a year? Could you not instead visit your old state every few months and recharge, then when your son is older you haven't lost your connections and can always move then when he can understand and is about to fly the nest himself?

It's still early days and you've had a huge life change, if it was me I'd stay near my child and try to build a life in this new state, not letting nostalgia for the old one stop me doing that (even subconsciously). Best of luck with your decision.

I just don’t understand! If someone told me i were only allowed to see my children twice a year I’d have to be heavily medicated for a long time to get over the complete and utter heart shatter. How can he mean so little to you? Deadbeat trying to justify being a deadbeat

If you couldn't find work where you are then I could understand you wanting to move back in order to provide financial support for your son but you do have a job so you need to accept that this is where your son lives and you need to be on hand to see him.

You can always have him for a holiday and take him with you to visit family .

I'm interested to see how you would feel op, if your child's mother wanted to move away and see him twice a year?

If she explained it was for her mental health and to be closer to her family, and she would pick things up with her child when he was 18?

It's a genuine question, I'm not just being facetious.

@BryanR you don't deserve the harsh comments you are getting on here. Your OP shows you are trying to think this through, you are seeking opinions, you have made no decisions and are still planning to stick it out for 1-2 years and try to be happy there.

I know someone in your position. His DC was 5yrs. He did not want to lose that everyday parenting with his DC.
He compromised by having all holidays and long weekends at his home town. And when he has his child, they go together. For the regular weekends and weekdays he has his child, he gradually built a friend group, a supportive network. He took his DC to after-school clubs, weekend events & activities and organised playdates.

It took patience, commitment and a lot of flights but he is very happy. He still plans to move to his hometown when his DC is 16. His DC is 13 now.

His ex still hates him and he had to fight to keep contact with his child.

Hope this helps.

The ops child is 4. This poster is talking about her own child, who is "ollder" (I assume teen) to give the op a more likely idea of how the kid my feel after growing up without him.

The OP probably can’t afford that type of lifestyle as he’s talking about only seeing his son 1-2 times a year.

Would it not be far more damaging to your mental health to be away from your child than it is to be away from your own parents and the people you went to school with?

You are honestly thinking that he will come and live with you when you are 18? You are completely deluded.
My exH abandoned my son when he was young to go and live in Germany.
He came back when DS was 18 to find he wanted nothing to do with him. He is in his 40s now and still wants nothing to do with his father.
He has no memories of him.
This is what will happen.

Reading stuff like this makes me think that men are a completely different species from women.

(Yes, I know, NAMALT, some women are shit parents too, blah blah).

Indeed. The starting assumptions are very different.

If this was a mother posting, she'd likely be posting something like "I'm miserable. AIBU to move my child away from their dad back to where my family live". She'd be told not to be so selfish, she needed to stick it out until the kids were adults so they could have a relationship with their dad, but the idea that she should leave without the kids would be used as a stick to beat her with ("how would you feel if it was you only seeing your kids once a month, why don't you leave them with their dad?) rather than a genuine suggestion.

I don't think it's so much of a bad thing. I was brought up with my parents in different countries. I visited my Dad 3 times a year (xmas, Easter, summer)

It worked well for us all. Mum felt it would have been more disruptive to day to day family life having him closer and I don't harbour any ill feelings because of it.

Why can't you just fly back to your home state once or twice a year, and on friends birthdays? Why punish your son? You owe it to him to persevere with a relationship especially if his mother is temperamental

Regardless of the ins and outs of why you moved State. You have a child, that you currently share 50/50 with your ex, you have a roof over your head and employment. Moving away may mean living closer to your family, but by gaining them, you lose your child. Your child deserves to have a relationship with both parents, and unfortunately for you that means sacrificing your wants. Visiting your child for long weekends or having him fly to you, is not going to work long-term. You will lose your bond with your son. What happens when your son reaches teenage years, and doesn't want to fly to visit you, because he wants to see his friends?! You living close by means, he can do both - see friends and see Dad. Children don't understand the complexities of adult relationships or decisions - you move away, your son will think he's done something wrong to make you move away. Add in your ex, who will most likely reinforce the 'Dad has abandoned you' theme, and suddenly your son doesn't want to see you. For your son's sake, you need to stick living close to your son. Once he's an adult or moves to go away to college, then is the time you can reconsider moving.

@CrispieCake Yes, I agree. For every post where we get ‘if the sexes were reversed’ and ‘it’s so much more scathing because you are a man’ we have a 100s like this where as you say, posters eager to find solutions instead of dragging him through the mud.

I think the bar is so low for men that’s a man moving hundreds, possibly 1000s miles from his child is almost a non-event. But the thing is OP, it wouldn’t ever even cross the majority of mother’s minds because being only able to see their children 1-2 times a year would be gut-wrenching.

You miss your friends and family, fine, but honestly how could you not miss your child more than that? And that if you met someone new, that might mean you’d want to stay - so a hypothetical girlfriend would be more reason to want to stay than your son.

I just can’t get my head around feeling so nonchalant and thinking you can pick things back up, with a child you’ve barely seen, when they’re an adult in 14 years time.

She convinced me 2 years ago to move out of my home state which I loved and move across the country

You don't even accept responsibility for the initial move out there. How weak.

It’s hard @BryanR
I know. Im living in a different country (so different language, culture etc…) and separating meant staying in the U.K., where my dcs are. Even though I’d have loved to move back to my own country.

However, you made a choice when you moved state 2 years ago.
And you have to accept the consequences. I’m not sure it’s talked about much in the US but it should always be something to consider before moving away such long distance.

To the question, how to do deal with that? You accept it.
You accept this place is home now.
You accept you’re not going to move.
And you make it home. From having a house that feels like home to friends, hobbies and concentrating on your dc. Giving them the best life you can, building a relationship with them.
And you go back home when you can. Just like you were thinking of travelling fur long weekends to see your dc if you decide to move. Just the other way around. (And with your ds) You WhatsApp family/friends regularly. Basically you do what you were planning to do with your ds but with your family/friends instead.

A very good friend moved with her partner to South Africa from England. They broke up. His family and friends are all in England so he has moved back. He has an excellent relationship with his son in South Africa. The son travels to England for something like a month in the summer and then the father travels to South Africa for something like a month or two. The child was older though when the father moved back to England-maybe eight years old?

It can work. You need to lay the foundations now and also maybe get some kind of court mandated contact order / legal agreement where the child can be sent to you, or picked up by you, to spend holiday periods with you?

You’re obviously in the US though, and of course you guys have horrible limited holidays which could affect things

And for what it’s worth, despite all the other comments, I think it’s a very reasonable and sane thing for you to consider if all your family and friends are somewhere else.

@CountZacular if you want to really make a parallel, you’d have to look at a man moving to another country for work and convincing his dwife that moving overseas is a great idea.
And then things going sour and divorce looming.

The advice on here is more or less always for her to ‘move back home close to her support network, with the child’. Never mind it’s not legal. And it separates the child from their father. But somehow that doesn’t matter then…..

So yes, very few women would move and leave their dcs.
But it doesn’t mean you should ignore how hard it can be to live somewhere you don’t belong. How hard it can be to have lost your support network, your friends.
The OP is entitled to find it hard. They’re entitled to look at different possibilities (he said himself he wasn’t considering anything like that for a couple of years anyway and share custody, which many fathers dint bother with!)
Unfortunately, there are no amazing solutions where everyone is happy ever after. There will be huge compromise to do.

The question is much more about how to approach those compromises.
No need to have a go at the OP, just because he is a man.

I feel for you. Of course PPs are right that the only course of action that will leave you able to truly look in the mirror and consider yourself a good man is to prioritise your son above yourself. Still, it must be tough around the holidays. Why not try to arrange a Christmas schedule with your ex partner where you have alternate Christmases with your child. That way you can always go home for Christmas either with or without your son. On years when he's not with you, you can start a new tradition, like father and son Christmas on another day. Focus not on pining for what you had in your home state but on what you need to do to make your new state home. Perhaps you can compromise your side hussle hobby job to make time to build a proper social life. A new group of close friends could change everything for you. Good luck!

This is from a different perspective. My husband's ex moved to another country with his child, he was very upset and the child was out of the country for a few years. They kept in touch as well as they could, this was before zoom calls etc. husband had child when ex returned to see their family etc. child is now an adult & they have a good relationship. See each other regularly enough, speak every week on the phone etc. it might be because ex came back when child was still relatively young so they were able to pick their relationship back up but if you make the effort, you must make the effort however you can, it can work from my husband's experience.