Thinking about moving away from my son

[BryanR]

Hi. I have really been struggling with this situation for the past year. Looking for some feedback or maybe someone else dealing with a similar experience.

I have a 4yr old son with my now ex. She convinced me 2 years ago to move out of my home state which I loved and move across the country. Things didn't work out between us and now I'm stuck here because she's not going back and my son is here. My family and friends are all back in my home state and I honestly have a better life set up for me there.

I still trying to keep it positive where I'm living and make the best of it for my son. I'm going to give it another 1 - 2 years before I decide if I'm moving back or not.

Is it wrong of me to leave my son for my own mental health? I figure I would set up visitation that he would come visit me a couple times per year and regular zoom calls. Then maybe when he's 18 he'll want to come live with me or go to college out where I'd be living. We'll pick things up in life when he's an adult.

Thoughts?

All I would say is action speak louder than words op. You clearly love your little boy so be there for him. You can never ever get his childhood back. You can still be happy in another state and you can do the travelling with him to visit friends and family in your home state.

i know how big America is so I appreciate it’s likely a long way between the 2 states but you’ve had your dad there growing up so can you imagine if you hadn’t. How would you have felt as that little boy?

he will see it as being abandoned, especially if his mother is less than favourable about you and children are very easily influenced. I hope it works out for you.

You think your son’s mother is happy with all the drudgery of single parenthood? Should she leave your son at the nearest fire station so that she lives a happier life?

That's realistically not practical for me.

But I will be inheriting property in my home state that when I'm ready to retire or when my son goes off to college I could move back to if I choose. That's always an option

You have a child. Moving away from him should not ever be an option.

He comes first.
Not you.
Not your happiness.
Him.

You are a 46 yo man.
You need to grow up.

You're a parent, you are supposed to put your child first, not abandon him when things get difficult.

"Then maybe when he's 18 he'll want to come live with me or go to college out where I'd be living. We'll pick things up in life when he's an adult."

Lol, yep, that'll happen after seeing you twice a year. Easy as pie.

It truly blows my mind that some parents can think like this.

Nothing in the world would induce me to move a plane flight away from my children, much less think that if I abandoned them like that, we could build some happy-clappy relationship when they were young adults and more convenient for my lifestyle.

What the fuck, man.

"I know if I meet someone when I'm ready I'm sure my feelings will change. That's why I'm trying to stick this out."

Oh so getting your dick wet will keep you in the state, but having your son nearby won't? Nice.

"I'm just really not happy in the state I'm living in"

The importance of your happiness went out the window when your child arrived. Your son comes first.

Grow up.

I pretty much expected these responses so it's not a surprise. I do know what the right thing to do for my son is.

Hopefully I'll adapt here as time goes on. It's just really tough around the holidays.

I feel for you as you are in a difficult situation.
Be aware that if you move that far away it definitely will effect your relationship with your son. And you may come to regret that.
It might seem like forever now but your son will become a young adult in no time at all.
Do you really want to miss out on his childhood? You won't get that back. And you will never have a particularly close relationship even if he does still want to see you at 18.
My DH dad left when he was a young child.. moved overseas He did pay for my DH to visit him a couple of times a year throughout his childhood. His dad is still in his life but to be frank he doesn't think highly of his dad, just tolerates him out of duty. He just wasn't there in any significant way. He's more just someone my DHs knows than a dad.
I absolutely hate my DH dad. Think he's a self absorbed man child.

I personally could never do this to my kids.
I sympathise you want to be able to build a life separate from your ex and you feel out of place where you are.. but you made these choices and really you should act like an adult, take responsibility for them and make the best of it.
Instead of contemplating essentially abandoning a 4yo kid you fathered. And it IS abandoning.. because you simply will not be able to be there for him as a father should be over the years. And that effects kids. On some level he will know he wasn't enough for you. That is so sad.
Don't do it. Try harder to build a life for yourself near enough to see him regularly.
At least until he's 16. This is the life you created and the result of your choices. Do the right thing.

Errrr there's no way a 4 year old would be counting down to change his surname. That's a mother saying things she shouldn't be. Poor child stuck in the middle

Erm - how does your ex feel about having to take on 100% of child rearing drudge and work?

Has that even occurred to you?

Who is going to do alll your kids laundry, homework supervision, school pick up and drop offs and on and on and on

It's almost like you think that these are optional extras you can pick and choose

You have a son - you are no longer the most important person

I don't think you could possibly have a proper relationship with your child only seeing him twice a year. It would be very damaging for your child. Your mental health is important too but I think you need to do what you can for yourself while living where your son is. Visit your hometown a couple of times a year and try and build connections where you are. And maybe move once he's an adult and no longer depending on you.

Your mental health? What about your child's mental health? Do you not think you leaving will affect his mental health?!

You're his parent. Suck it up, make new friends and build a new life for yourself where you are.

You are delusional if you think he'll want anything to do with you when he's an adult if you abandon your responsibilities like this. JFC.

Can't you move in the middle of both places? Then you could still see your son regularly, have him on weekends etc. but also be closer to home to see friends and family. Sorry but I can't see how far apart the two places are unless I've missed it?

There is a middle ground. You could move somewhere you can be happy but just not so far away. You are a grown adult. You have left home and don't need your family. You're just craving an easy life.

You need to build a life of your own that includes your son. Sorry but when you have a child you accept a minimum 18 year responsibility. You put your child's happiness first.

I split from my ex. I couldn't cope with living in his city, but I moved somewhere with fields and woods for me, but within an hour's drive for him. Our DS sees his dad every weekend. Can't you find a compromise?

Wow. To go from 50% custody to twice a year. Your poor dc, I don't get what goes through men's heads, I couldn't imagine leaving my dc

When youre the relocated parent it is bloody hard- you move on the hope (and assumption) that its the right thing for all of you, and instead, you end up alone, lonely, and u supportive, potentially with a high conflict ex. I can really understand why you'd want to go back- I genuinely get it, but it's hard. You go back and you will lose a lot of your relationship with your child- FaceTime isn't the same. You stay and aren't the best parent if you're lonely and unsupported. It's basically two shitty situations, but one of them physically supports your child. That's the one I picked, and it is lonely, isolating and sucks with family not being around, but in the family my child needs so that's where I am.

You can either see your child once or twice a year or you can have a meaningful relationship with your son. I don't think it's possible to do both. I'd recommend looking at alternatives.

I do get the difficulty of living somewhere away from friends and family and struggling to build a new support network. This doesn't always happen for everyone in that situation and it's hard and lonely.

I don't think what you're proposing with your child is realistic. He's going to feel abandoned and let down and there's no guarantee he will be able to forgive you or want to reconnect when he is older.

This.

Well no, but 4 year olds get older and realise which parent has and which parent has not been there for them. Nobody said that at 4 years old they want to change their name. I am sure that when OPs son reaches 12 years old or so he will opt out of going to see the man that calls himself his dad who he has seen once or twice a year for as long as he can remember.

It’s just not possible to make a child feel like they are a priority and simultaneously move so far away they have to fly in order to see you and only seeing them once or twice a year. Why would they want to keep the name of someone who’s effectively a stranger.

It’s selfishness, bolstered by centuries of patriarchal rhetoric.

Men abhor being on the receiving end of the treatment they often dish out to women and children but there is no conscience that stops some of them from behaving terribly.

This OP has shocked me because the OP has spelt out the self-absorbed manchild thinking that some men practice while walking away from children they created. The rationale and proposed solution are so absurd to me, all for a more pleasant life. As if a mother is afforded such luxury. The world has made some men think they can just opt out. Horrendous. Makes me even more grateful for my own dad who never abandoned his children, no matter how difficult it got.

@BryanR Many years ago , I knew a man who wasn't married to the mother of his child.
She definitely weaponised the child and refused to let him see her.

She was 3 when contact was stopped - , but he never gave up fighting for her.

When she was 16, she began looking for him under her own steam, and they found each other.

They are now really close.

However, he never once gave up on her.

Boys especially need a close male role model. Don't abandon your son.