SAHMs can I ask you a personal question?

[naturelover]

It's about money, that great taboo. Still, at least we're anonymous on MN.

How do you manage money in your household? Does your DP/DH give you an "allowance" or do you just spend out of a joint account? Do you struggle with being financially dependent? Do you find yourself feeling guilty for spending money on yourself? Have you had to make big sacrifices as a family in order for you to be a SAHM and are you happy with your decision?

Is it realistic for me to try and earn money on weekends/evenings, or will it just make us both resentful about lack of time to relax? DH works long hours Mon-Fri and hardly sees DD. We are both exhausted (him long hours at office, me long days of housework and childcare).

My mat pay is about to run out. I've been just about managing on the statutory amount but when it falls to zero I'm not sure how it'll be.

I'd really appreciate your honesty on this issue. I realise it's highly personal though.

DH pays for everything.I use the child benefit for the kids and me to do stuff. We go out on his days off and I choose, he buys for clothes etc. I don't feel bad at all. We have separate bank accounts and no joint finances. He has all the bills in his name. I gave up a career to look after our children and he prefers me at home. DH gives me the odd twenty if I need it.

I;m in the same position as you although not a SAHM (yet)...

My statutory pay has just run out and at the moment I am managing on savings. However, these will run out very shortly and then we will be changing all arrangements. Before DD, we both worked, had a joint account for all bills and mortgage and kept the rest of our money.

As I'm probably not going to be going back to work for a bit we are changing so that DH's salary (and mine when we have one) goes into a joint account which pays all the bills etc. We will also pay ourselves equal allowances from the joint account but all spending for DD will be joint IYSWIM... When I was studying DH paid me an allowance and I found it very difficult to be financially dependant on him.

HTH

morethanmum - that sounds terrible! So, since you are "only" raising his children and running his house, you don't have equal access to the money earned. Surely there should be a joint account so you can share the money your family makes. The idea of SAHMs begging for the odd £20 makes me seeth. That is why I never stopped working, so I wouldn t have to wheedle to be allowed to buy new clothes.

Giving up work, in this context, sounds like giving up all status and power within the relationship.

Hi Naturelover,

DH used to do all of the finances but over the last couple of years I have kind of been taking on more and more of it, so now we are at the point where I do the finances. All money that comes in (DH's salery, CB etc.) comes into one account, I withdraw what we need for bills/food and put it in another account, so what is left in the first is our 'cash', and the bills all get paid either by DD or through internet banking from the second account.

As it is me that is the one to go into town to get the kids clothes, DH's bit's and bob's, anything I need, etc. I don't feel guilty spending what is essentially DH's money. When I was working before we had DS1, we used to put both of our saleries into one account and the bills came straight out of it, none of this "I paid 54% of the mortgage, so you pay x ammount of the gas bill" rubbish.

I have never had the chance of working evenings/weekends because DH is on call a lot of the time, and we have no one to look after the kids if I was working and DH got called out.

I don't think we sacrificed anything as a family for me to be a SAHM, in fact apart from the odd time where I feel like I would drive a digger through the house if it meant I could get out on my own for 5 minutes, I don't think we could manage having a family any other way.

For us, personally, it works, but I think you would need to think long and hard to see if it would work for you. It really isn't as easy as people think.

dp goes to work and I do everything in the house.

this includes looking after the children, the housework, and paying all the bills.

We have a joint account, but in reality, it is me that gives him pocket money if anything.

We have had a joint account since we got married (DH has always earned far more than me and I would end up overdrawn and he'd have to bail me out every month so it made sense).

It is a joint decision for me to be at home with dd. DH works long hours (60 hours is a normal week plus travelling time and then anything upwards of that) and therefore is not much help at home.

As a result, we work as a team so the money is for the 'team' (apologies for sounding cheesy). Therefore, we just both use the same account taking what we need. Both of us would check with the other if we were going to make a big purchase but otherwise we just use it as we see fit. I don't feel guilty spending money on myself and do not feel a need to be financially independent (however, that is probably because DH is happy to share and we are relatively comfortably off ).

I also manage all the money/bills etc so it would be a bit daft if I didn't have joint access.

I don't think I could accept not having joint access to funds - I would find it quite demeaning but if this works for others then so be it. This works for us.

Dh and I have always had the attitude of "whats mine is yours" and always had joint accounts.
Everything is fair and we've always got whatever we've wanted.

I havent worked for nearly 5 years now but we made the decision that I would stay at home and bring up the children until they were at school.
As it turned out our first child starts school in September but our youngest is only nearly 5 months old so I have at leats another 4 years off

I buy whatever needs buying and dh is ok with this.
Its very hard coping on one wage but it can be done.

We each have our own bank accounts; child benefit and child tax credit is paid into mine and I use that for clothes, shoes, school stuff etc for myself and the dc.

Food, household items, bills, hoildays etc are paid for by dh from his account or our joint credit card.

We tend to consult each other re purchases above a certain amount on the credit card (non-essential items basically)

I spend very little on myself and that's fine by me; we tend to live quite simply anyway.

Hi DullWitch - being pedantic, I didn't say 'only' at all. I don't beg - how demeaning! Admin wise, it's a lot easier for his salary to go into his account, and the bills to come out by direct debit. I don't want a joint account after a first marriage to a gambler landed me with joint liability for a huge overdraft. I chose to give up work, supported by dh. This is about ease, not anything bigger regarding status etc.

I think it's very hard, and likely to cause problems unless you sit down together and budget.

I used to work full time, have a good bonus, pension etc totalling about £100K.

After DS2 I was made redundant and took the payout (which was about equiv to 2 years pay) and decided that I didn't want to go back to full time work as our youngest would be starting school soon etc etc.

Previously DH & I had split everything totally equally - each with separate personal accounts, but then transferring an equal amount into the joint account every month.

I started doing some part time freelance work, but was only earning about a 1/4 of what I did previously, but DH didn't seem to understand (or chose to ignore) the fact that I could no longer put £2k a month into the joint account. I was dipping into my redundancy/ savings, which wasn't a good thing, as we'd agreed we would try to put that aside, and it really meant we were living beyond our means anyway.

I found it very hard to feel I could spend any money on myself, as I didn't feel I was earning it.

We had a few arguments at various points and have now reduced the amount I contribute to the joint 'family expenses'.
The other thing that has changed is that I now use our joint account card for everything which is family related, whereas previously I would often buy e.g. kids toys and clothes on my own credit card. I don't do that now.

I know people will think it's strange to still have my/ DH's accounts when we're married, but when you've been earning for 15 years or soemthing it's hard to suddenly lose that independence.

I still find myself justifying my decision by telling myself that if I had to employ someone to do what I do at home/ with the kids then that would cost the difference between what I now earn, and what I used to earn, so in 'real' terms we are no worse off.

I have recently started to work part time for very little money, but have been a SAHM for several years now after being quite a good earner. I've learned to live with less these days and don't treat myself to that much, although I'm having a girl's dinner out tonight and DH is always happy for me to have what I want/need. Here, all DH's earnings gs into our joint account, and I tell him to watch his spending as needed and basically spend all the money he earns as I see fit to run the house and make sure we are all fed, clothed and housed well and the children's myriad of activities are paid for. My meager earnings and the child benefit go in the joint account as well. We both have debit cards and take the money as needed, but I manage the finances. We tend to discuss and agree on bigger purchases. I don't feel guilty as we are a family unit and we each do our part to try to keep it running smoothly and also I contributed a lot financially, including much of the deposit on our house, earlier in the marriage.

We each have personal bank accounts, left over from when we were single, and a joint account. Most of DH's salary goes into the joint account and that's used to pay bills, etc. A small amount goes into my account to cover some direct debits and standing orders and to give me cash to draw on. I pay for whatever anyone needs, me included, from whichever account has money in it. If there's money leftover in DH's personal account, I'll get him to sign a cheque and transfer it to the joint account. DH never questions what I spend and it is very much 'our' money, even though he physically goes out to work to earn it. It did feel a little strange at first, not earning money myself, but it was a joint decision for me to give up work and I do absolutely everything in the house, literally everything, so I feel I'm perfectly entitled to DH's money. I am his cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, accountant, gardener, decorator, DIY handywoman and nurse. I reckon I earn the money!

I'm effectively a SAHM but situation is slightly different because DH is self-employed and I do his book-keeping, payroll, invoicing, VAT stuff etc from home.

I get a very small salary from the company for that. I do then get an "allowance" from DH's account for housekeeping, bills etc. I used to worry about the financial dependence issue but don't really have any guilt over buying new clothes etc - as a book-keeper, childcare provider, cook, housekeeper, gardener etc etc I'm actually pretty cheap! He works away a lot and I manage most of the time alone during the week - he wouldn't have the lifestyle and career he has were it not for me being at home (which he realises and appreciates).

It will get easier as your DD gets a bit older, in terms of sleep deprivation t least, but ultimately only you know whether you would be happy to be a SAHM longer term. If you enjoy it, it's worth the financial sacrifices. Many woman hate it, and need that independence and the self-identity a job gives you.

We have a joint account that we both use for 95% of things (mortgage, bills, credit cards, general day to day living expenses).

Theres no restriction on what I can spend from it but then again I don't go mad and spend extravagantly as I realise that theres only been one wage coming in for the last 4 yrs.

I don't feel guilty about not currently putting money into the joint account as I worked pre-DC and inbetween having DD and DS. Also, I was the main wage earner for a while when DP became self-employed and also when we moved as, for a while, he was solely working on renovating our house. I'm starting to look for a job again now as DS starts school in Jan.

I personally do not like the idea of an "allowance" -it seems quite controlling. If you are sensible and spend within your means then IMO an allowance isn't needed.

All our money goes into a joint account (his pay, my child benefit), and we both spend out of it. We are basicly in agreement on weekly budget for food. Bills and rent go out automaticly at the start of the month. DH very rarely buys things anyway (fortunately! so I do all the household spending), and if I need to buy something 'out of thE ordinary', we talk about it first.

We don't have loads of money, so there is not a lot of spending on 'luxury' items (of course most things in our lives are a luxury really, but you know what I mean). If and when I do treat myself to something new - clothes or something - I do feel a bit guilty tbh, and feel the need to justify myself. But this is really to do with me, not DH, as he doesn't make me feel guilty.

Its not a foolproof system - sometimes when we do argue about money (not a lot, but every now and then), I do resent him a bit - I reent the fact that he doesn't feel guilty and I do. But, as I said, thats not really his fault! I do sometimes fantasize about having a small income of £50 a week that I could spend guilt free, but if I'm honest, I would probably feel guilty about spending that on myself anyway! And I don't have the energy at the moment. Its something I will probably do when the kids are older though.

Hope that helps.

I work one day a week so I'm almost a SAHM.
Basically, DP pays mortgage and bills and puts some money into a joint account for food/household expenses etc.
The money I earn is my own spending money plus pays for my mobile phone, life insurance etc.
When DSs were tiny it wasn't worth me going to work in the week as I'd have spent all my salary on childcare so I worked on Saturdays, which was fine and it was good for DP to spend time on his own with the children.
I'd definitely recommend working a little bit if you can find a job to fit in with the children. Not only is it good to have some money you've earned yourself, so you don't have to feel guilty about buying things for yourself, it's good to have a bit of time away from the family. And I think it's good for working dads to have sole responsibility for their children on a regular basis.
I now still work one day a week but during the week (as DS2 is in full-time school and DS2 in nursery 2.5 hours a day) so we have our weekends back and it's very nice.

Well, I am going back to work after 5 years as a sahm and tbh, I can't wait to have my own cash again.
Up until now, dh has given me a set amount a week and I've topped it up with the child benefit from my account but, just recently it has been a bit of a struggle (for me, not for him). We don't have a joint account, he offered but I don't want to have to justify every single little expense and he's control freaky about money. And terrified of being overdrawn, may I add (him not me).
While he'll happily give me extra if I ask, I loathe asking, so I would say that although we've got through it ok, and our marriage is a happy one, I'm relieved that I will finally have my own money coming in.

Child benefit also goes into joint account for food etc.

I'd like to add that I felt weird initially not working (not because of money but because other people assume you have no brain). Now I have totally embraced being a SAHM. Just baked a cake...

I discovered my baking gene when I became a SAHM too morethanmum

Even when I do have an income, it all goes into a joint account. I really don't see how any couple manage with totally separate finances. Couldn't imagine one of us having more than the other.

I do all our finances

DH's pay goes into his account, then the majority is set up to transfer to the joint account, enough stays in his account to cover the few bills which come out of there.

Tax credits, child benefit etc goes straight to joint account and I transfer into my account for nursery (mainly so it doesn't get spent by accident ).

All the bills come out by direct debit. Some goes by standing order to savings to cover birthdays, car tax, MOT throughout the year (the 2 months with no council tax go in there too, again for car stuff mainly).

We don't have much in the way of a disposable income at all. I make sure the bills are covered and buy food. If we want something (clothes, xbox game) then it tends to be a case of checking how we've done with money so far, and if I think it is affordable then we buy it.

I am not earning from BumFluff yet (paying off start up costs etc), when I do then the money is going towards paying off debts. We will both feel happier once they are clear - no loan repayments will give us a hell of a lot more a month, so we're better off waiting and clearing that, than having a bit extra now iyswim.

I didn't want to work full time (depression got much much worse on leaving DD so we decided it was better for my sanity to start off part time), then we realised we were only £4 a week worse off (by the time we took into account childcare, petrol etc) by me staying home.

It is a struggle. Many threads on here sobbing when I have miscalculated and we've been charged for being overdrawn.

We've always been very much a case of all the money is shared, so it works well for us.

Our method isn't too structured, but seems to work for us.

DP is self-employed, so there isn't a fixed amount of income each month. So, all money goes into his account, and all the household bills come out of his account.

We then fixed a monthly amount that he tranfers to me to cover food shopping, clothes, birthday presents, fripperies etc.

Any other purchases are paid for by him, meals out, furniture etc. If I would like something extra I ask and he gives me the money. As simple as, no begging involved!

It seems to work for us.

I think it is essential for every SAHP to manage the families finances - it removes any thought of the family income belonging to the person who earns it (which they couldn't do without the one who SAH and provides free childcare. It also takes a responsibility away from the WOHP, is something that can easily be done in the 10 minutes bursts of peace a SAHM occasionally gets, and necessitates a modicum of brain-usage so stops you from going completely insane.

to OP

I found it hard and at times still do on a psychological level, after all I worked for 20yrs had my own money etc.
this is however a new stage in our lives the money is ours we talk about expenses still have separate accounts as well as joint.

I spend less on myself for the simple reason that we have less money available, dh does not ask what I spend money on

it takes time to adjust and you need to keep talking to make sure problems real or perceived are dealt with

I just think it is a stage we are going through