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Parenting

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Original poster

SAHMs can I ask you a personal question?

110 replies

naturelover · 02/05/2008 09:52

It's about money, that great taboo. Still, at least we're anonymous on MN.

How do you manage money in your household? Does your DP/DH give you an "allowance" or do you just spend out of a joint account? Do you struggle with being financially dependent? Do you find yourself feeling guilty for spending money on yourself? Have you had to make big sacrifices as a family in order for you to be a SAHM and are you happy with your decision?

Is it realistic for me to try and earn money on weekends/evenings, or will it just make us both resentful about lack of time to relax? DH works long hours Mon-Fri and hardly sees DD. We are both exhausted (him long hours at office, me long days of housework and childcare).

My mat pay is about to run out. I've been just about managing on the statutory amount but when it falls to zero I'm not sure how it'll be.

I'd really appreciate your honesty on this issue. I realise it's highly personal though.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

VictorianSqualor · 02/05/2008 11:48

Lazylou, are you not entitled to any tax credits? It has nothing to do with you claiming IS when you were working, and if you tell them the truth about how much your DP earns and that yu aren't working often you will get something.

Bellie · 02/05/2008 11:49

DH's money goes into the joint account.

I then take out what I need for spending - food/clothes/coffees/trips with dd - basically anything at all.

We chose together to have a family, we chose together that I would stay at home, therefore the money that comes into the home is ours . If we have nights out (usually separately) we spend what we need out of the account.

Have never felt guilty about this way of using the money. In fact we lived this way pretty much before we had dd. Marriage is about sharing to me.

gingerwench · 02/05/2008 11:51

I'm not a SAHM but will be on maternity leave shortly. My philosophy is liek that of wheelybug and astrophe. We both contribute to the "team". We have a joint current account and savings account (sorted out on marriage), both names are on most of the bills which all come out on DDs anyway. Only our ISAs and other investments are in sole names because there is not another option. I currently earn more than my DH but when I return to work this may not be the case depending on the hours I work. We review all expenditure at the end of each month and check all big purchases with each other first. We have kept individual credit cards on the understanding that nothing big goes on them without the other knowing about it (mainly used for e.g. new kitchen, appliances) and this also means that we can buy presents for each other without the other one knowing exactly what it is! Having said taht we agree budgets for xmas and birthday presents in advance and broadly we stick to them. Both of us are control freaks when it comes to money and our only arguments ahve been over "how" to file/account for things rather than what gets spent on what. If I gave up work i would continue to expect to spend from the joint account with no issues - but we would of course have to discuss what reasonable budget to allow for the different types of spend. Likewise it is possible DH will take a career break to retrain and do some childcare in the future and I would expect him to do the same. What's mine is his and what's his is mine. And for me, that is a fundamental part of marriage rather than co-habiting (when I lived with someone in the past I kept full financial independence and we contributed proportionate shares to bills based on earning power).

Interested in this thread?

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daffyd · 02/05/2008 11:53

Hi naturelover,
Since having baby I work 3 days a week and husband is full time.We share all money, so we pay all expenses, mortgage, put away a set amount for savings and then the rest divide into a weekly amoutn shared by us both,any major buys like playstation, clothes for nbaby we discuss, but we also then have a weekly allowance to do what we want with-spend or save! It works perfectly.The money should be shared imo as you are both contributing to the income once you have a kid and what does it matter who earns what? you are now a family and a team-like a business really and should share everything equally.saying that hubby still thinks I buy too many clothes!

ProfYaffle · 02/05/2008 11:58

Our finances are driven by laziness and inertia tbh. We have seperate accounts just because we never got round to the hassle of opening a joint account. All the bills are paid by direct debit our of dh's account, again, a hang over from his single days we've never gotten around to changing.

When I gave up work he started paying an allowance into my account which I use for day to day stuff, we also have a joint credit card for big spending.

We're lucky enough not to have any real money worries, we know roughly what we can spend on big ticket items without worrying, anything beyond that we consult each other about saving for.

I don't feel guilty about spending money but I think taking it out of my account makes a difference in that respect. I did get stressed about having a joint account at one point and he agreed we would get one but we never got round to it. tbh it wouldn't make any practical day to day difference.

I have got a few savings accounts/isas in my name which contributes to my peace of mind. I know that if we split up or he (got forbid) died I'd have money I could access.

Tommy · 02/05/2008 12:04

when DH and I got married we got a joint account and both our salaries went into it. Each month we both get the same amount as "pocket money" which go into our personal accounts.

Now I am at home (have been for nearly 7 years) his salary still goes into joint account and we still have our pocket money - which is considerably less than it was when we started! But it does mean that we both ave our "own" money if we want to buy a present for each other or go out for the evening or whatever.

All household expenses come out of the joint account.

I was also told I should have a "running away" account by mu Mum - it has about £20 i it which would just about get me a taxi to my Mum's if I ever needed it

oiFoiF · 02/05/2008 12:10

we have a joint account
I dont do all the housework, he helps
he depends on me as much as I depend on him so its a two way thing imo

hth

millie865 · 02/05/2008 12:43

I work two days and for not very much money. DH works full time. Everything including child benefit etc goes into our joint account. From that we put a certain amount into savings (some for things like holidays, christmas, some for long term). All the joint bills including everything for our daughter come from that account.

We transfer an amount into personal accounts each month for our own spending (clothes, haircuts, going out without each other, whatever).

We've got a rough budget for the joint account and would discuss any purchases not covered in that. What we spend our current account money on is up to us. So for example (thinking of recent AIBU threads) if DH wants to go off for the weekend he can go if he's got enough money saved in his personal acount and not if not. (having checked that I'm OK being left with DD as I would check with him)

I get more money in my personal account to pay into my personal pension, since I am self employed and DH has a public sector final salary pension which is deducted at source.

I don't think of it as his money - its our money. We are a team. I manage our finances (which is mainly transfering money out of our savings account if we look like we are going to go overdrawn!) I also spend most of the money since I do the food shopping and shopping for DD.

Hope this helps.

morethanmum · 02/05/2008 13:41

As we are all being honest, I will make a confession. I got away with dh not knowing about child benefit for several years...

Laugs · 02/05/2008 13:52

I am struggling a bit with this too as have just become a SAHM.

My problem is that DP really wanted to be a SAHD, so now he is working full-time, he feels like he deserves some compensation (financially) for going back to work. (He was a SAHD for 7 months after taking redundancy from work, but I didn't want to work full-time, so he had to get a job)

At the moment, he pays a certain amount of salary into our joint account. This pays for all household bills, food shopping and most of the activities we do together. The rest of his money (about 500 a month) he keeps. I am doing a small amount of freelance work for old company and should earn around 200 a month. This is mine for clothes, nights out, whatever.

I'm not sure whether this is the right way of doing things or not!

Uriel · 02/05/2008 13:58

Laugs - compensation?!

Laugs · 02/05/2008 14:00

Well, I mean, keeping a bit of the money he earns for himself. That's what he called it though!

Anna8888 · 02/05/2008 14:01

We have separate accounts, and I also have a credit card on his account from which I spend freely on household outgoings, clothes and entertainment for me and our daughter.

For bigger purchases like holidays, computers or furniture we always discuss before purchasing.

Uriel · 02/05/2008 14:02

But 300 quid a month is not a bit of money.
I can't believe he's so unfair.

Joint account here, btw.

handlemecarefully · 02/05/2008 14:02

Allowance or just spend out of joint account: the latter! I would find an allowance degrading and would not accept such an arrangement. We have both 'earned' dh's salary

Do I struggle with being financially dependent: no

Do I feel guilty for spending money on myself: no

Have we had to make big sacrifices - no.

I guess you could try and earn money on weekends and evenings - but you won't have much family 'together time' as a consequence will you?

Anna8888 · 02/05/2008 14:02

I'm not strictly speaking a SAHM as I work part time, but I don't use my earnings for current outgoings.

LadyJogsAlot · 02/05/2008 14:02

all dh's salary, child ben, tax credits etc goes into joint acc.
£200 is paid to each of our personal accs for the month.

equal money for both of us. easy peasy.

Uriel · 02/05/2008 14:03

I meant 300 more than you. Actually, he's got 500 to blow each month.

I really am shocked by his attitude.

handlemecarefully · 02/05/2008 14:04

I haven't read intervening posts and I know I will get flamed, but I cannot ever understand why people can share bodily fluids but not a joint account (unless one is an uncontrolled shopaholic or gambler etc). It just doesn't compute

LadyJogsAlot · 02/05/2008 14:04

i NEVER feel guilty.
we both work hard and dh wouldn't have it any other way (unless i wanted to )

LadyJogsAlot · 02/05/2008 14:09

also, i don't consider the 200 quid a month an allowance from dh.

the only thing where he benefits over me is at chrimbo time when he gets vouchers from the parents of kids he teaches. however, he always shares his chocs and vino so i don't care

Laugs · 02/05/2008 14:14

Oh no Uriel, do you think I have got it totally wrong?

Do you nto think the issue of him prefering to be a SAHD is relevant? Or relevant but still unfair?

Tutte · 02/05/2008 14:14

i just spend out of our joint account

Laugs · 02/05/2008 14:16

I am starting to agree...

ditavonteesed · 02/05/2008 14:21

I was made redundent when on mat leave with dd1 4.5 yrs ago and have never been back to work, we have a joint account with equal access although i look after our finances, make sure we have enough for food bills stuff for kids etc it is then up to me if there is anything left over for dh and I to spend on ourselves (not often)
Priorities are doing things with dc I can't understand people who are made to ask for money or have an allowance, you are all playing an equal role in your family.
I personally would not like to work evening/weekends as I think it is important to have time as a couple as well as with dc.

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