SAHMs can I ask you a personal question?

[naturelover]

It's about money, that great taboo. Still, at least we're anonymous on MN.

How do you manage money in your household? Does your DP/DH give you an "allowance" or do you just spend out of a joint account? Do you struggle with being financially dependent? Do you find yourself feeling guilty for spending money on yourself? Have you had to make big sacrifices as a family in order for you to be a SAHM and are you happy with your decision?

Is it realistic for me to try and earn money on weekends/evenings, or will it just make us both resentful about lack of time to relax? DH works long hours Mon-Fri and hardly sees DD. We are both exhausted (him long hours at office, me long days of housework and childcare).

My mat pay is about to run out. I've been just about managing on the statutory amount but when it falls to zero I'm not sure how it'll be.

I'd really appreciate your honesty on this issue. I realise it's highly personal though.

Laugs - well, your way's not right for me, maybe it's right for you (as a couple), if you're both happy with it.

But what happens when he gets a promotion - does he get to keep more?
What happens if/when you go back to full time work and can't get/don't want the demands of a high-paying job? Are you stuck on a low rate of personal income forever?

For dh and I, it's just easy to have a joint account. We have the same limit on what we buy without asking the other one - 50 pounds - and after that we ask. It works well for us.

we have always only had one joint bank account which wages, child benefit and tc all go into. we set up a dd to put savings into a 2nd account but neither myself or dh ever touches this money.

now that dh works away from home he has his own seperate account which i transfer money into at the start of the month for him, only reson for this is i worry about the two of us drawing to much out the joint account (which all the dd's come of) and getting hit with bank charges. at least if i know that he is sorted money wise i have full control over whats left in the current account.

I'm finding this incredibly useful. I can see the downsides of an "allowance". But what if DH and I both "paid" ourselves the same amount of spending money, and the rest of the combined income (95% from him) was in the joint account for household stuff? To be honest he's very un-extravagant and already limits his own spending quite a lot, preferring to put money into the house/savings. He's very generous and always has been - after all I've always earned a lot less than him.

I already juggle the day-to-day finances which I can see is a good role for the SAHP (not least because I have more time).

It's all hypothetical at the moment as DP has not yet had first pay and I haven't yet had a month without pay, but maybe we need to think about it a bit more.

I find it stressful just to think about To be honest, which is maybe why I've just gone with his suggestion.

I think us both using one joint account would annoy me as well.

Hmm...

I have all money paid into my account His earnings, tax credits, child benefit. I pay all the bills by Direct debit so whatevers left we use between us for odd things here adn there. We do alot of stuff together anyway so there no "you have this much and I have this" When we have extra money we get a big treat each

I used to work 20ish hours after Mat leave finished. I'm an unintentional SAHM at the moment. We still have out own accounts. DH gets paid into his account and transfers money for all the bills, food etc into joint account. CB and Tax Credits get paid into joint account too.

I've found it really hard not having my own money. Things are very tight at the moment but we are managing although job interview monday so hopefully I'll be earning very soon. We survive because we have no major vices and I can really budget when I need to.

julezboo has raised a good point about her and her dh doing lots together. dh and myself are the same, very occasionally we go out for the night on our own or i go for a meal with friends /family but it is never enough to justify me needing my own personnal account for my spending.

"The reason I asked about an "allowance" is that I think I'd struggle to buy myself anything "non-essential" (eg clothes, magazines, coffee!) out of the joint account. I like the idea of having a set amount of money for me, so that if I fancy buying clothes I can "budget" for them out of "my" money."

I felt like this when I used joint account so I now have a weekly allowance. I'm a bit that people think that this is something I should be embarrased about. DH pays all the bills and we both buy whatever we want out of our 'allowances'. I like that I can spend my personal money on whatever I want without having to think about what bills etc are coming out of dhs account. I have never thought of dhs money being his rather than ours.

I think Prufrocks system would be good for you

Joint accounts here...i have no issue with spending "his" money, I supported him finanacially for 3ish years and he's probably more keen than I am that I'm a SAHM.

I do feel guilty sometimes about spending on myself but that's not because it's dh's income so much as because there's not a lot left for extras atm. For us there are fairly big financial sacrifices because I don't work, but we're happy with the quality of life we have, time I'm spending with the children (and dh as he works from home) time to do other stuff etc...

sorry haven't read whole thread so it may have gone off on a tangent by now, but to answer OP:
we have a joint bank account where my DH's salary goes and a joint bills account (money from current acc goes in there every month).
We have always had the "whats mine is yours attitude" and i supported us both when he was finishing his PhD. But i do find it hard not having my "own" money - even though i do most of the spending and DH is always telling me that i should buy myself stuff etc..but i am the one who keeps a check on the finances and know there usually isn't enough to do that with!
I am studying too so we save quite a bit every month to pay my course fees (i am feeling more and more guilty as i write - my dh is a saint!) so don't have time for a weekend/evening job but if i wasn't studying i might try and get a few hours work a week, just to feel like i was earning a little - sounds a bit pathetic but true!
It is hard just having one salary and we don't have the lifestyle we used to but we feel very lucky with the life we have now

All DH's UK (offshore and onshore) goes into a joint account. Our situation is much like Squonk's (DH works, I do everything else), with a twist (he works from home and I do PA/admin things, too.

I handle all the finances for the family, except investments (but DH wants me to try and do these too).

I have my own accounts, too, on the side which DH is not linked too. Strange, he doesn't have any accounts which I'm not linked too, and he is the one who insisted that I should maintain my own accounts also!

I don't work (qualifications don't transfer between the US and here for medicine), and at this point (6 years out), don't wan't to go back to it. I DO want to work, though, and am researching other things I can transfer my experience and qualifications to do.

No allowance - all money goes into a joint account which we are free to spend from as we choose. We both work hard, just in different ways.

Our big sacrifice is for dh to be out of the country for 4 (or more) days a week, thus all of us missing out on a lot of family life. Am I happy with that decision? Sometimes.

Would the amount of money you would make on a weekend be significant, and do you really need more money?

Sorry haven't read the whole thread but....
Dh's money all bar £50 goes into a joint acoount and all the ctc, cb etc bar £50 paid to me go into the joint account anything for myself comes from this. I know this isn't alot and tbh it's only been going for a short while ( my mat pay has just finished) but it is what WE can afford.

Dh is V understanding and apart from running shoes has very few demands, money will always be contentious ( I gave up a v well paid job to be a SAHM) but we manage and are HAPPY!!!

All our money goes into a joint account and we both treat it as 'our' money even though dh gets the paycheque. We both agree that we both do a job.

His pay is commission based so how much I spend on myself depends on how much he gets paid - therefore how much spare cash is left over. Luckily he's very good at his job!

I spend a fair amount on daytime activities - play groups, soft play, gym tots, lunch out and petrol, he buys his lunch while at work, we both spend a small fortune on diy, decorating and all the home stuff. Because my dress size (and shoe size!) has changed, I do spend more on clothes than he does.

I'd say that both of us feel equally guilty about buying clothes etc for ourselves - just not really a priority at the moment.

I do have a business account (in my business name - I'm self employed), and my husband urges me to spend any money I have earned
on treating myself, but I don't - I don't see why he should pool his money and I should get to keep mine - especially as when I'm working he does more housework than I do.

I don't understand why anyone would do anything other than share all their money. I have no issue with spending what's in the pot.

We share all money too but I feel incredibly guilty about spending it without talking with partner first...this is my own weird thing, I keep reciepts to show how wisely it has been done which my partner has no interest in whatsoever! What really annoys me is that he can be spontaeneous (with money, time etc) whereas everything I do or spend has to be carefully thought out and planned for. This is the oppositie to how I was before kids but I spose thats life eh?

After earning my own wage for 18 years before I had dch, and doing what I liked with it, I found it a BIG adjustment to find myself at home with dtws & having only his salary - we'd been together 13 years & always split things 50/50 - bills, cooking, housework, etc.

But, we adjusted. You get used to it, although it does feel incredibly old-fashioned at first, but I think men like to think they're providing for their family so it might not be that much of a problem from his PoV.

We both see his wages as 'our' money, but I make sure that a small amount each month goes into individual savings for each of us, so that if he wants something out of the ordinary he can get it out of his savings, & the same for me, but mostly I don't these days! The child benefit goes straight into a savings account in my name & I use it when necessary, eg for a car, because I need it to ferry the dch around. I work part-time now & put that into a separate account to supplement his wages when necessary.

Try to put aside a small amount in your name so that you can buy some perfume or whatever your weakness is. t's surprising how quickly even £50 a month adds up if you don't touch it.

Why do people think being a SAHM isn't work?

We are still struggling with the system we have inherited that works on the model of men working outside the home (and getting paid) and women working inside the home (and guess what? Not getting paid). THIS IS WRONG. If you are a family you are a unit and it doesn't matter where the money comes from if both people are working hard to make the unit function. Joint accounts are the only acceptable and fair answer. Asking hubby for money is infantilising and demeaning.

work one day per week and my pay goes in to my own account,together with Child Benefit.We don't get tax credits.
DH pays quite large sum into my account every month.
Mortgage,bills etc all come out of his account,food out of mine. Use his credit card to shop online!
No problems with money here,Dh careful with money and we have a few savings accounts/investments.

we have several accounts
House account = mortgage, bills, food. all covered by DH
My account = goes on me, some stuff that I do with DS's, cleaner, money in here comes from Child benefit, tax credit, income from a rental property I have
Savings account = for holidays, christmas/birthday gifts. Money comes from DH and I both paying money in from time to time.

I have no idea how much money Dh has at the end of the month. He doesnt' know how much I have to spend each month. Mainley because we are in the fortunate position to be comfotable financially. SHould things change it would't be difficult to tighten our belts.

I know what Xenia would say about this thread...

Totally agree, Hullygully.
Also, how come the ladies' accounts are for cleaners, food shopping, entertaining children or frivilous girl's things like perfume? It's not far off being handed £20 by your rich uncle and being told to 'treat yourself, love'.
The allowance system is outdated, but the main problem is that we seem to need rewiring - if you don't feel that being a SAHM is 'work', would you not at least agree that you and your partner make an equal contirbution to life?
What I'm saying is that it's fine if you feel an allowance works for you, it's just the feeling that you have less of a right to spend money that's a bit sad.

I'm in charge of our finances. Everything goes into joint account and we each have an equal amount of 'pocket money' for things like coffee/meals out/clothes (for me) and computer games and beer for DH!

I don't feel guilty for spending money because I'm really careful with what I spend anyway but certainly don't feel like I'm spending DH's money. It's all our money (including dd) because it's what we both want for dd (me being a SAHM).

I have a couple of 'occasional' jobs (I work as and when rather than contracted hours so I don't have to do any if DH has a lot on and can do more when we have access to family for childcare) but I don't think it sounds like an ideal situation for you. Perhaps you could wait and see how it goes?

Hope you find something that works for you - looks like you've got lots of ideas to mull over!

dh works full time, I work very part time, doing usborne/french tutor, all his money goes into our joint account and all spending goes out from that account, I organise all finances/pay all bills etc
my wages, such that they are, go into a separate account so I can work out my tax at the end of the year, and I put whatever I can into my pension rather than spending it on anything, although might have to start using it in future as we are v broke. I chose pt jobs that I could fit in around the kids, they are both flexible jobs where I work my own hours, usually doing a lot of stuff at night or weekends. dh works 2 nights a week as well. but we seem to see plenty of each other and are happy with work/life balance.

Dorisisapinkdragon we get £50 each as well and my sil and sister were horrified when I explained that it covers clothes(except of course my SAHM 'work' wardrobe ), make up, coffee/meals out, books, dvds, cds etc. SIL was thinking it wasn't too bad - 'a skirt and top every month'. 'Yes' I said 'and I bet you buy your lunch at work every day'!! cue

all money is joint whichever one of us (or both of us) happens to be working.

money is pooled and there is never an issue of 'my' money or 'his' money.

if one of us wants something expensive for ourselves (rarely happens) we discuss it and see if it can be afforded, smaller things we treat ourselves to if there's money and there's never any resentment on either part. he has his treats and i have mine, as long as the kids are fed and clothed and happy and healthy there's no problem.

tbh, i'm far more in control of the money than him for the simple reason that he freely admits he's a disater with budgeting, he just can't do it so i sort all that out.

it works the same whether we're doing ok monay wise or whether we're flat broke, kids come first, then bills and rent, lastly ourselves if there's money left.