SAHMs can I ask you a personal question?

[naturelover]

It's about money, that great taboo. Still, at least we're anonymous on MN.

How do you manage money in your household? Does your DP/DH give you an "allowance" or do you just spend out of a joint account? Do you struggle with being financially dependent? Do you find yourself feeling guilty for spending money on yourself? Have you had to make big sacrifices as a family in order for you to be a SAHM and are you happy with your decision?

Is it realistic for me to try and earn money on weekends/evenings, or will it just make us both resentful about lack of time to relax? DH works long hours Mon-Fri and hardly sees DD. We are both exhausted (him long hours at office, me long days of housework and childcare).

My mat pay is about to run out. I've been just about managing on the statutory amount but when it falls to zero I'm not sure how it'll be.

I'd really appreciate your honesty on this issue. I realise it's highly personal though.

thinking about this more - if my DH sugested I have an 'allowance', I would be horrified. He workds full time, I look after our children and home full time. So all the money either of us get is for us, as a family. End of. (works for us, anyway)

Agree with Profrock and Astrophe

Ceolas, we've budgeted so DP has far more spending money than me each month.
But then he also has to pay for train fares to work, coffees/food when he's at work etc. And when we go out he tends to pay for most things.

I don't like the idea of an 'allowance' either. It's like getting pocket money.
When I was growing up, if my dad was annoyed with my mumfor any reason he'd withhold a portion of 'her' housekeeping money.
I'd hate for a man to have that kind of control over me.

Thanks everyone for your replies, it's really helpful.

The reason I asked about an "allowance" is that I think I'd struggle to buy myself anything "non-essential" (eg clothes, magazines, coffee!) out of the joint account. I like the idea of having a set amount of money for me, so that if I fancy buying clothes I can "budget" for them out of "my" money.

We've had separate and joint accounts for years. Essentially after payday we'd put the vast majority of our money into the joint account for all things household related, then what we had left in our separate accounts was spending money. I have no difficulty spending out of the joint account for household/child expenses, I'm just not sure how I will handle not having my own spending money for day-to-day things. Even when earning I put a lot less into the joint account than DH, and this was fine. We each contributed what we could afford.

At the moment my "spending money" is about 250 pounds a month, it covers going out, clothes, cosmetics etc, mobile, haircut, that kind of thing. I've managed to cut down my personal expenditure drastically because there is less money available, but at least my "spending money" has been mine, IYSWIM. I've even managed to contribute 100+ pounds to the joint account these last few months on statutory mat pay.

I used to work with someone who didn't have children but had been marired for years (was probably nearing 50) and her and DH probably had similar jobs.

They had completely separate accounts but if they (eg) went out for dinner one of them would pay (sounds fair enough so far) - they would then note it down and at the end of the month they would tally up who had spent the most and the one who had spent less would give the other one the difference. NOw I always thought That was very odd IMO.

Sorry - irrelevant but money threads alway makes me think of them.

i'm the same as sqonk.

Wheelybug, that is very odd.

Naturelover - I think its something you get used to - buying things for yourself. When I stopped work it was harder to justify things but 3 years down the line I don't give it a second thought (unless its something really big but then DH would ask too)

Yep. I manage the family finances. It's one of my jobs in fact to do so. Everything is in joint names, except my cash ISA and DH's investment ISA, but I sort out the paperwork for those. We make big finanacial decisions together.

We have been together since we were 19 and have pretty much pooled finances ever since (even when it was just our student grants), so it was no big leap for us when I gave up work. I don't have any issues with being financially dependent, because TBH it doesn't feel like that. Probably because we have always shared everything, so I haven't suddenly gone from having "my own money" to sharing "his money". It's always been ours.

It's not exactly a struggle for us to have me not work. But we will be glad of the extra income when I start work again. It works very well for us all at the moment though.

I know Lyra - she was quite an odd person it has to be said.

We have a joint account and an account each. Money goes into the joint account and into my account each month from dp's earned money. The joint account pays for household stuff and we both draw on it. The money in my account is mine to do whatever I want with.

I didn't feel guilty at all when I had a child at home all day, but I do a bit now that they are both at school. The problem is that it's very hard to find paid work school terms only 9.30 to 2.30! And dp and I both want one of us to be at home for both school runs and evenings for as long as possible. I earn bits and pieces doing cake making and selling stuff I've made, but it doesn't amount to much.

We have a joint account, Whats mine is his although that is not a lot.
All household stuff is my responsibility and he has fun time with the children evenings and weekends( thank God he is around cos I am knackered by the time he gets in. )

Our Joint income has halved since I gave up work( now about 24K) and will supplement that only if times become very hard or the DC have started ft school.

Times can be tight but our priorities have changed.

Dh's money all goes into the joint account. So I have access to the money whenever and whereever I require it.
All dh asks is that I don't spend unnecessarily. And he doesn't either, so that is fair.
The Child Allowance goes into an account in my name, and is used for the dc's clothes, swimming lessons, subs for Cubs and Rainbows etc.

Dh does not feel it is 'his' money, he believes it is 'our' money. He says he is only able to earn this money because he knows I am at home taking care of the dc, the house, the groceries and anything else that needs doing.

I am about to start a little temporary part time job. The money I will earn in the next 8 weeks (a few hundred pounds) will not be 'my' money. It will go in a pot to be used as spending money for when we are on holiday. So again, it is 'our' money.

Works well for us

glad it sounds good so far, NDTH. Just popped back after icing cake.

Naturelover: My dh's salary gets paid into our joint account. I could not tolerate separate accounts or an allowance. That is not what marriage is about IMO.

I don't struggle with the concept that all the money I have was actually earned by dh as we are a partnership. He just happens to be doing the job that brings in money. I am doing the job which nurtures our family. Each of us is dependent on the other. That said, given that our finances are not as healthy as we would like, I do find myself wishing I could earn some money, not because I want my own money - it would be our money, just as his salary is our money - but simply to ease the financial pressures. Even so, I would not consider working at the weekend. I know a lot of people see that as the perfect compromise but for me it would mean not having family time together and I guess we are not so financially stretched to make the loss of family time together worthwhile. But that is just how I feel.

Nature lover. In your situation I would have the following set up

Joint bank account - all income goes in, all bills come out

2 sole bank accounts - set up a SO out of joint into these of whatever "spening money" you can afford to have for your individual use.

Joint credit card - to be used by both of you for "essential" or joint (ie holiday/dinner out) purchases and paid off from joint account. You need to negotiate as to what essential purchases are - you might decide that your dh's lunch is an essential, or entry to the local soft play - that all depends on how tightly you need to budget.

Seperate credit cards - to be used for "luxury" sole expenditure, and paid off from sole accounts.

It's nice to talk about money instead of DS for a change.

I stopped working when DS was born, I still have some savings from that time, but I tend to spend it on therapy for my DS.

"How do you manage money in your household?"

I write down a monthly budget and really try to stick to it.

"Does your DP/DH give you an "allowance" or do you just spend out of a joint account?"

I don't like the word allowance, sounds as if DH was my father giving me pocket money!. We have a joint account, we pay bills from this account, monthly DH and I take equal amounts from here into our personal savings account so we can either spend it or save it, do whatever we want with it.

" Do you struggle with being financially dependent? Do you find yourself feeling guilty for spending money on yourself?"

Guilty? No way, not at all. If it was the other way around (me working and DH at home) I wouldn't dream of making him feel guilty, so why should I feel guilty? We are a team.

"Have you had to make big sacrifices as a family in order for you to be a SAHM and are you happy with your decision?"

I don't really have a choice, my DS has special needs and I think his best chance of improving is me working with him at home as much as possible. But the budget is a really good tool, it really makes you realise what is a nice-to-have and what you really need.

"Is it realistic for me to try and earn money on weekends/evenings, or will it just make us both resentful about lack of time to relax? DH works long hours Mon-Fri and hardly sees DD. We are both exhausted (him long hours at office, me long days of housework and childcare)."

I really couldn't say. Maybe you could try for sometime and see how it goes?

Oops I missed out the key bit. Yes of course I find it hard to spend money on myself. I go out to look for clothes for me and come back with clothes for the children instead. But I think that is just how I am. If I was better at buying for myself, I wouldn't feel guilty about spending dh's money. It isn't his money, it is our money.

I'm glad you brought it up - I would love to know how the others operate as well.

My DH pays the bills. I get a weekly allowance. It covers the basic groceries and coffees with mums. Occasionally, it covers a treat (such as an item of clothing, pair of shoes, etc).

When we go out, DH pays for everything.

I'm a sahm, DP'S wages and workng tax go into his account, child tax/benefit to mine, If there is money in my account and something needs paying or buying, then I use it, if there isn't I tell DP i need something buying/paying, he'll eaither pay it or give me what money i ask for, if the kids or i need clothes or something i'll normally drag him along and just get him to swipe his card, so though it seems like his money, I don't have to ask 'permission' as such, just for him to give me it, which he wouldn't dream of saying no to.

DG, I worked on Saturdays because I wanted to keep my career going (I'd worked hard for it and didn't want to let it go altogether) plus I like to earn my own money.
Also, now I'm about to be free of DSs during the day when DS2 starts school, I'm in the happy position of still having my career to go back to. I'll just have to increase my hours/days. Other mums I know who gave up work completely have really struggled to get back into the workplace.
I still think weekend working is a good compromise but each to their own

I am a SAHM despite trying to get a job in the second half of my pg. Dh earns and controls all of the finances in this house, with the exception of DD's child benefit which gets paid into my account. I have been known to be a bit of a spend freak so we don't have a joint account as DH doesn't trust me not to take the piss.

If I need anything, I have to ask for the money from him, that includes things for DD, things for the household and things for myself like my maternity things for when I go in to have DS at the end of the month.

He did give me money for housekeeping, more as an incentive to actually do it but, when work got slack (he is self employed) I stopped getting that. Needless to say, the chores around the house stopped getting done. He often makes me feel bad that he is the only contributor to the household in terms of money but at 36 weeks pg, there isn't really anything I can do about it now. I hate being reliant on him for anything. For example, it would have been lovely to be able to go and buy all the things we needed for DS without worrying about how he would react (money has been quite tight lately) or to take DD for a girlie shopping trip to let her 'help' choose things for her new brother.

I am planning on taking DD to visit family at the weekend and was asked how I intended to afford the train fare as I have no money . Luckily, my mum has said she will pay my fare but I am worried that he won't give me anything to spend whilst I'm there. I know it sounds selfish on my part but I do feel that at 36 weeks pg, just at the end of my degree, I could do with the break and DD would love it too.

I was working in a local pub a few nights a week, earning around £75 which was spends for DD and I for things we needed, but DH got annoyed one night and said he would rather I gave it up. I did, partly because of him but partly because the workload was just too much and now I wish I hadn't as there are still things I need to buy to go to hospital with and I dread asking him. The latest thing I asked for was a pair of maternity trousers as I have one pair of jeans that are washed daily (another thing he gets annoyed about). We couldn't get any in the cheaper shops and he said he resented paying for expensive maternity trousers for the short time I would be in them (thanks for that, I'll just squeeze myself into clobber that no longer fits ).

I didn't choose to be a SAHM, I was working until a situation arose at work re my pg and have now been at home since 16 weeks. In that time I have tried to find jobs to help out but nobody has jumped at the chance to take me on. I have posted about this before here.

Like I say, I don't actually ask for much. Just recently it has been a pair of suitable pyjamas to go into hospital with and a pair of maternity trousers, both of which are yet to materialise. I know he is under immense pressure to pay the bills and keep the roof over our heads (please believe me when I say this is not an exaggeration), we don't get any benefits either because I got caught working whilst on IS and I'm now not sure what I would be entitled to or how to go about claiming. I would also be too worried to claim again in case I get into trouble, which I won't because I wouldn't work if I was receiving benefits, until such times as I could go back to work, in September/October when DD is at full time school and DS is old enough to go to nursery.

Apart from the money thing, DH is wonderful to us and will sort things it's just unfortunate that things are so tight atm.

I work p/t 3 nights a weeks and a Saturday. So I earn about the same as the statutory maternity pay. I pay the car insurance and have just started paying for the TV licence. My little contributuion to the household bills. I do mostly pay for Toms clothes etc. Oh, and i'm still trying to pay off my credit card, which is my debt and I want to pay it. Child benefit goes into a seperate account of mine.

DP pays for everything else, although he is being made redundant in 3 months, so no idea what will happen then if he can't find another job. Just as we were thinking of buying a house! It's a shame I don't do a more skilled job and could earn what he is currently getting by going f/t if it was possible.

We will have to try and cut down on food shopping. We only eat together 3 nights a week as the other 3 I work and we usually goto his parents on a Sunday for dinner. How on earth do we cut down in that respect is beyond me?!