I don’t want my kids since co-parent cut contact

[Winter2012]

My kids are 4 and 2.

Their dad was coparenting for about 18 months since we broke up. Since he has met his new girlfriend he has become more distant with co parenting.

a few weeks ago I attempted to text him to arrange contact as he hadn’t seen them for a while, but the text didn’t deliver. I tried to call him, it wouldn’t go through. I’m either blocked or he changed his number. He’s not on social media so I can’t contact him through there. His parents have also blocked me. And I don’t know who his girlfriend is so I can’t contact through her either.

I went to his parents house as that’s where he was living, but they told me he’s moved in with his girlfriend and they don’t have her address but even if they did wouldn’t share it with me. They’re not interested in the kids.

I was hoping he would reach out as we get close to Christmas, but nothing.

and honestly since he’s cut contact, I feel like I can’t cope with the kids. I feel depressed and I cry everyday.

I feel like I’m looking after HIS kids that he has dumped on me and left me. I just don’t feel crazy in love about these kids like normal parents do. I feel like I was only getting on well because of the coparenting dynamic. I don’t know if I want them, but I don’t know if I could give them up either. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so so depressed since their dad is off the scene and I can’t make any contact with him. Any advice?

I’m so sorry. 2 and 4 are awful hard ages. Get some help asap. This situation will get much much better within the year

Have you got any friends that could go to the grandparents and calmly tell them it is not acceptable that he is shirking his responsibilities? They could them you are really struggling and the alternative is that the children may have to go into care if you don’t get some support urgently. Could they support you if their son doesn’t want to? Maybe they don’t know the extent of it. Unless they don’t care about their grandchildren going into care system that is.

They don’t care, I’m telling you they never have. They enable their son to do whatever he likes. I keep thinking of ways to plot revenge against him.

im sure I can find out where he lives if I really want to. But then I have to think in what way I can destroy him whilst not getting myself into trouble but i also want to ruin his life like he did mine

sorry my head is running round in circles at the moment, my whole situation is all consuming

When you feel ready, speak to social services. They'll have an Early Help team who will be able to offer you support to prevent you getting to the stage where the children need to go into care. In the meantime give the meds time to work and speak to the counselling service as it should give you the space you need from how awful you must be feeling.

I totally get why you'd want to destroy your ex, but really, forget that thought as it'll only cause you and your children pain in the long run. If he really won't be a part of your kids lives then the best revenge is to forget him and live your life as best you can. It may not feel like it right now but your lovely children are the one good thing to come from all this and that scumbag doesn't deserve another moment in your thoughts - focus your energy on your children, not him.

Christmas is such a hard time of year to be going through this, but wishing you all the best and hope you are feeling brighter soon.

What ex and his family have done is awful and you must be so angry! It’s not surprising that you’re feeling so aggrieved by it. And it’s so hard not to pass on to your children the feelings he’s passed on to you; but it might be important to think about how the kids are separate from him, not emblems of him. I have found therapy (eg psychodynamic) can really help with processing difficult feelings and understand how they get transferred about, particularly when someone disappears and isn’t available to receive the feelings. It’s not often said out loud, but it’s easy for our hate towards an ex to get mixed in with our feelings for our own children. Easy for it to happen, but also possible for us to notice, perhaps get help, and start to unpick those feelings so your relationship with your children can become its own, happier thing.

Hold strong @Winter2012. Just for day at a time. Your kids only want you. Don't let this fucker ruin that for you. Imagine in the morning if they were taken off you, into the system, you'll never know what scenario they up in. If you dumped them on his doorstep, he has already shown, he'll just throw them away. They are only tiny, they only want their mam. Just take it a day at a time and ask for any help you can get. Start with what the GP gave you and anything on here someone points you towards.

You sound very depressed and overwhelmed. Go to your GP who will help and support you. When you are depressed your feelings are a bit numb that's what it sounds like is happening to you. If your parents will help you let them help you. Once on meds you will feel better. You could also ask for counselling but take the meds until the counselling has had time to work. They will kick in quite quickly and you will feel better. Make your ex pay child support fee or his kids. Contact CMS and tell them where he works.

Sending you love and virtual hugs! Please don’t give up on your babies or yourself. They are your little miracles that you nurtured. Don’t let the actions of this asshole impede your integrity as a mother. Love your children more than that bastard ever could. It is difficult temporarily and it will feel easier as time settles. Unless you are willing to give your children into care do not involve social services, as they can sometimes make decisions on behalf of you if they feel it’s necessary. The children who end up in care do not go off to have wonderful lives, quite the opposite actually, the system is the last place you want them to be, it’s full of wrongens and weirdos who should be nowhere near children. Take it from someone who has been in that very system.

Please visit your local church or community centres where they have multiple classes and activities for children to do on a daily basis, also you will be eligible for 15hrs funded childcare as you are on UC or 30hrs funded childcare if you are working for both of your children. Enrolling them into nursery and utilising activities for that extra support and it will also allow you to connect with other mothers and even at the least have a chat with a fellow mum and vent, it makes the world of difference.

you are not alone in this and you will get through this. You coming out on the other side a stronger person from this with your precious babies adoring you and by your side will be the greatest revenge you could ever seek 🩷

Early help can give you a family support worker. That's not a social worker. They help you. Alot of people have them they do help.

Google early help and your area. Ring them.now please.

https://www.actionforchildren.org.uk/our-work-and-impact/policy-work-campaigns-and-research/what-is-early-help/