I don’t want my kids since co-parent cut contact

[Winter2012]

My kids are 4 and 2.

Their dad was coparenting for about 18 months since we broke up. Since he has met his new girlfriend he has become more distant with co parenting.

a few weeks ago I attempted to text him to arrange contact as he hadn’t seen them for a while, but the text didn’t deliver. I tried to call him, it wouldn’t go through. I’m either blocked or he changed his number. He’s not on social media so I can’t contact him through there. His parents have also blocked me. And I don’t know who his girlfriend is so I can’t contact through her either.

I went to his parents house as that’s where he was living, but they told me he’s moved in with his girlfriend and they don’t have her address but even if they did wouldn’t share it with me. They’re not interested in the kids.

I was hoping he would reach out as we get close to Christmas, but nothing.

and honestly since he’s cut contact, I feel like I can’t cope with the kids. I feel depressed and I cry everyday.

I feel like I’m looking after HIS kids that he has dumped on me and left me. I just don’t feel crazy in love about these kids like normal parents do. I feel like I was only getting on well because of the coparenting dynamic. I don’t know if I want them, but I don’t know if I could give them up either. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so so depressed since their dad is off the scene and I can’t make any contact with him. Any advice?

Some of these posts are awful. The OP is clearly upset and exhausted.

I am lost as to why posters are pushing her to call social services: that will achieve nothing except making her explain to every official body she has to speak to over the next few years that she’s had social services involvement!

I hope you are able to speak to a GP, @Winter2012 , and get some support. I have a four year old and a one year old and it’s HARD, I love them dearly but it’s exhausting and relentless. It will get better

You have to get help immediately. You are all your DC have. My dd cut contact shortly after we broke up. My dd looks EXACTLY like him. But she is my child! Get the help you need before your children realize what you are feeling.

All that matters now is that OP gets support for her mental health for her sanity and so that the children don’t suffer. You asking her why she had two children doesn’t do any of that. HTH

Another number in case it's useful https://www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline :Family Lives offers a confidential and free* helpline service for families in England and Wales (previously known as Parentline). Please call us on 0808 800 2222 for emotional support, information, advice and guidance on any aspect of parenting and family life. If you don’t get an answer first time please do try again.:
Hope your GP and maybe your health visitor can give you some support OP, take all the help your parents are offering too (they can give you a break and also be another consistent attachment figure for your children, which will help all of you, plus they love you and care for you and the children and they want to help).

I think that a mother saying / feeling like this is a serious concern. I’m not being critical, just saying I think you need to speak to your GP / health visitors/ counsellor as this isn’t normal

This is why you need to see the GP urgently. Just re-read what you wrote in the last sentence. I’m sure you wouldn’t feel like that if you were feeling better in yourself.

Forget your ex. You’ve reached out and he’s blocked you. Concentrate on you and your children. See your GP and be honest about how you’re feeling. Write it down if it’s easier. See if you can get a physical health check too because exhaustion can mess with your head and make you feel very down.

The children could be ‘misbehaving’ because they can sense your upset and anger. Imagine how they feel. Imagine how you’d feel if you were their age. It’s not their fault.

And to be clear, you should phone for emergency help if you feel your children are at risk from you or you can’t cope at all. This is a serious situation - but with support hopefully it can be remedied.

Would you give them both to him to take care of them with his girlfriend if he'd take them?

Yes I probably would at least for the short term until I sort myself out. However he wouldn’t do that. That’s why he’s cut me off completely

I hope you have managed to speak to a professional today .
You need to focus on yourself and kids and forget about him. He isn't going to suddenly be a good dad.
If nothing else can you explain how you feel to your parents and see if they can take them for a while to give you a break

He's shown you what kind of man he is. The little one must've only been a few months old when he left? And now he's cut you all off. He's a poor excuse of a man. I know how hard it all is, it does get easier though, I promise. Can you speak to your health visitor?

OP your posts are all focused around him and his behaviour.... Was there a part of you hoped you and he might get back together at some point?
He left a long time ago, it feels like this might be more about him now fully closing off that possibility because he's in a new relationship.
Its not normal to feel this way about your children

Please call your parents. Let them know the situation you’re in and any siblings that you have see if you can go and stay with them with the children over Christmas.
You seem to be in shock with this whole situation.
If I was your mum, I would want to know how much you are suffering and I would do anything to help. Hopefully your parents are the same.

Contacting SS will not be a case of them taking the children away - it much more you asking for help, things like getting them both into a state nursery, which would give you a break on a weekly basis and allow you to get other stuff done and have some time for yourself.

Your ex sounds extremely selfish and no wonder you ended the relationship

hopefully you've had some luck with the gp

its not unusual to fell like you need a break from the daily grind with two children under 4 and being on your own. Its understandable that you want your ex to have the children for a period of time t give you a break from the 24/7

That you are willing to talk about it and willing to call your GP means you are actually doing a good job in this difficult situation.

you report you have parents who can help. If you feel like you are in crisis, take your children to their home. knowing you have a safety plan will take some of the pressure off of yourself even if you never use it.

your ex is being added to the roster of dead beat scum. Your children will grow up knowing they have a mother who stood by them and loved them even when times
hot tough. They may not understand that until they are much older, but one day they will appreciate the situation.

He doesn't want to know his children so the ops children will not see their dad anymore because he wants a fresh start. May I ask how you got to the conclusion that she wants him?

OP I think you love your children because you don't want to give them up you feel guilty about the effect on them. You sound overwhelmed, very depressed and unsupported. I was a lone parent to now adult DS. I loved him with every fibre of my being and would've killed for him but still had some very dark moments. It's a tough gig. Well done for reaching out for help.

Yes they were 2 and few months old when we first split up. Yes I can contact my HV, maybe after Christmas

No I don’t want him, I genuinely hate him. How could I want to be with someone I have so much anger and resentment towards. It’s more the anger and frustration I’m feeling towards him have projected onto the kids because I have no one else to take it out on

He's an absolute prick you have every right to feel like this.
I think you do need to seek counselling not because you're not normal (you're having a normal reaction) but you do need to find a way to accept what's happened.
You need some 'me time' as all mums do.
Does he pay maintenance? Are you on universal credit? Something like Saturday morning drama classes for them would be good to get you some me time.
What about putting them
In one room and using a spare room for an au pair who can help?

Your children probably also need counselling to cope with the sudden rejection by their dad no wonder they're playing up

He is a prick, definitely. Unfortunately, motherhood is the one job that if a mother says,'I don't want this' is judged, but a father is not.
Realising this is not necessarily depression etc just one of the taboo subjects.
I had DC because my DH wanted them before he got too old ( age gap relationship), but I wasn't certain and ended up regretting it, and we are still together! I still regret it 35+ years later. I wasn't cut out for the job!
OP, just take one day at a time, look for any positive in the day ..in other words, fake it until you make it.
The DC will be fine.

Op I’m so sorry to hear this. What an absolute pr*ck. Small children are hard work it’s no wonder you are feeling fed up and annoyed when he is offering no support whatsoever and can just swan off and disappear . The absolute cheek it makes me so angry reading this. Agree with others who have said phone gp, hope you got a chance to do so. You need some support. Is there any relative or close friend of yours who could take them so that you could have a bit of a break ?

He pays an arranged amount of maintenance that we decided between us. I’ll have to see if I get paid it this month or if I need to go down the CMS route.
yes I’m on uc which supplements my income
I will have a look into au pair although I think they might be hard to find