I don’t want my kids since co-parent cut contact

[Winter2012]

My kids are 4 and 2.

Their dad was coparenting for about 18 months since we broke up. Since he has met his new girlfriend he has become more distant with co parenting.

a few weeks ago I attempted to text him to arrange contact as he hadn’t seen them for a while, but the text didn’t deliver. I tried to call him, it wouldn’t go through. I’m either blocked or he changed his number. He’s not on social media so I can’t contact him through there. His parents have also blocked me. And I don’t know who his girlfriend is so I can’t contact through her either.

I went to his parents house as that’s where he was living, but they told me he’s moved in with his girlfriend and they don’t have her address but even if they did wouldn’t share it with me. They’re not interested in the kids.

I was hoping he would reach out as we get close to Christmas, but nothing.

and honestly since he’s cut contact, I feel like I can’t cope with the kids. I feel depressed and I cry everyday.

I feel like I’m looking after HIS kids that he has dumped on me and left me. I just don’t feel crazy in love about these kids like normal parents do. I feel like I was only getting on well because of the coparenting dynamic. I don’t know if I want them, but I don’t know if I could give them up either. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so so depressed since their dad is off the scene and I can’t make any contact with him. Any advice?

I’d be annoyed that he felt he could bin off the kids but you don’t have that luxury. It should be mandated by law that he has 50/50. Create a child, care for that child.

Please call social services. Your children are currently not your priority properly due to your mental health issues and they are dependent on you. Their young age means they will not be able to rationalise your behaviour and again their is not fair on them. Try to see things from their point of view. You are not able to give them 100% as you are not at 100% this is not your fault but neither is it those kids. Call social services. Not sure what kind of support they’ll be able to offer but give them a call.

No. You are not.
You need help to manage life but you are not a bad mum! No!

This is so terribly unfair on you. So often dads just disappear & the mums are the ones left with all the responsibility-which is huge, but please don't let injustice of this alter how you see your babies. They love you completely, you are their world & I'm sure you do love them too.
If you haven't done so please contact the CSA to get financial support from this waste of space. I wouldn't bother with trying to facilitate contact any more. Please contact your GP or Health visitor & tell them how you feel. You need support.

His parents have never bothered with the children.
I’ve never done anything apart from actively co parent and arrange contact. And he was co operating until now! He must have told his parents to block me so he can cut me off completely. He must have planed this
I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids, he wanted kids so I had them. And now he does this.
his parents are enabling him to abandon his kids

I agree with posters saying go to GP asap. Social workers are overwhelmed and your children have you and your parents so I doubt that you would be a priority sadly. Tell your GP exactly how you feel.

I strongly dislike him and I initiated the break up so it was nothing like that.

i purely appreciated the time he was spending co parenting so I got time to myself and didn’t feel like I was trapped with his kids 24/7. Now he’s gone and done this, exactly what I didn’t want, which was abandoning the children

My husband left us one Christmas
Son was 4
He was such a good, easy boy up til then, but when Dad left he was soooo naughty.

Normal behaviour of course for a distressed child.

They are very sensitive to mum’s moods
My ex husband was bad at seeing son as well.

Son is an adult now, and remembers the hurt it caused.

I’m calling my GP right now, currently on hold, thanks for all advice so far

I don’t want to call social services as they may remove the children and I’m not sure that’s what I want, I just need help. I will call my GP

Sounds like there is more to this. These are your children, not his.

You need to keep them babies safe and if that means referring yourself to SS then so be it, they are there to help

Op do you have friends in real life that you can talk to?

I understand the need for free time and why the coparenting was working for you because it meant you got time to yourself.

What do you enjoy doing with your children? Can you build a larger support network around you? Other parents with children?

I know it seems like an insurmountable mountain of responsibility in front of you right now, but it will get better.

You probably have a bit of depression, plus harbour feelings of resentment towards the ex which is coming out as resentment towards the kids....but deep down, you know they're totally innocent.

Just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time if needs be. You don't need to be a perfect parent but you do have to be the Mum here because the Dad is a waste of space sadly.

Social services won't remove your children if you aren't a threat to them and it doesn't sound like you are. However they are integral to getting referrals and signposting for other avenues of support that you can't access alone.

For example they could get you additional free hours at nursery so you get some respite.

You're not the worst mum. An awful mother wouldn't care and you clearly do. They won't remember a few times that you were snappy when they're grown up but they will remember how hard you tried after their Dad buggered off. As others have said, get an urgent GP appointment, talk to your health visitor, see what help you can get in the long term. In the short term get some rest. Make sure you're eating well and getting enough vitamins. Pop a Christmas film on the TV for them and set you all up in a blanket nest and nap if you can. The 24/7 of raising small kids is exhausting and that's without you feeling the way they've been rejected.

Well done on making the phone call to your GP. Please don’t view social services as just a means of getting your children removed, they can offer all sorts of advice/support potentially.

Depending on what your GP says you may also get some support from these organisations
https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/family-life/your-wellbeing/
and/or
https://www.betterhelp.com/get-started/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=virtual+therapy_b&utm_content=143273538371&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=b&utm_campaign=17446962936&ad_type=text&adposition=&kwd_id=kwd-1131768277&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADqBHiY1e_CMGAz0m9Uq7WviMqq49&gclid=Cj0KCQiAsaS7BhDPARIsAAX5cSBuPLUNT1OuEI-awbiXMJgs8ouQDNyP0-ByI8_hfVor5hywT3dZFv0aAklvEALw_wcB&not_found=1&gor=start-go

Ah op, that's a lot to take in. You've gone from being a single parent to a lone parent with no warning and I'm sure it does feel deeply unfair.

My stbxh is no longer involved in any way with our ds. I'd be lying if I said I didn't really resent him and there are times when I do feel very overwhelmed by the idea that I can't easily get time for myself- my childcare enables me to go to work but that leaves no childcare for fun or socialising etc. I absolutely resent being put in that position when what I signed up for was to parent in an equal partnership.

I go for counselling regularly and it does help so I think going to the gp is probably a really good first step. The first few weeks for me were really rough but eventually I did get into a decent routine and that made things easier. This is still very fresh and needs to sink in and you need your time to process it and to figure out your way forwards.

Personally I'd be of the opinion that if he and his family can shut your children out so callously then they absolutely don't deserve them and in that respect I'm glad you are there because you show up and even though right now you probably feel like you've not got enough in the tank- those kids are lucky to have you.

I think your next step after the gp is contacting cms- make sure that arsehole is paying his way. Then you need to circle your wagons. Look at who is in your support network and ask them what childcare they can help with. For example my parents do the majority of mine for me to go to work and my sister will do anything additional. In turn I babysit her kids. Are there any parents who could do a school run for you? You don't need to have all of this figured out now but being organised is key. I get through my day and then when ds goes to bed I will spend a certain amount of time on housework/ meal prep etc and then I make sure I have a couple of hours down time before I go to bed. I try to invite friends round for then also so I feel like I'm still socialising.

It's really really hard, but it's doable and the feelings you're having right now will fade. When I'm really struggling with ds it's usually when he's not sleeping/ it's extra cranky/ is ill and it's so much more intense and then I just try to remember that I'm only struggling because actually he is and we need to get through it together.

I'd also contact citizens advice or similar to check everything you're entitled to as a lone parent and look into lone parent groups in your area. Having a plan for weekends is key for me so I know what we're doing and I don't need to get overwhelmed trying to make a decision at the time.

I know all of that seems like loads right now and like I say- it's tomorrow's problem for when you feel ready to take those steps. Right now you just need to get all the support round you that you can. Social services won't remove your kids if you're caring for them adequately but they could put some additional resources in to help support you, even just in the interm while you process this change.

I'm sorry he's done this to you op. It's extremely unfair to all of you and the mind boggles how his girlfriend is still thinking he's a great guy for it.

Having children because your now ex partner wanted them, but you weren't sure was a mistake. However, none of this is your children's fault, they didn't ask to be born, that onus is on both you and your ex. Unfortunately, you can't force your ex or his family to actively participate in parenting the children. The only thing you can do is force him to pay child maintenance, but that's it. Yes, it's shit, he gets to walk away, and you are left with all the parenting and responsibility. He's not the first man to do this, and definitely won't be the last either. You need to seek support from your GP and you need to tell your parents how you honestly feel. Do you work? Are the children in nursery/pre-school? If not, it may be worth finding a job, it would get you out of the house, give you money and it would help you feel less isolated. Small children are hard work; you must also remember, their Dad has disappeared from their life, they don't understand he's a crap Dad. They may think they're done something wrong, that's made him go away. Naughty behaviour can be due, not only to normal age related, but also trauma. The children need you more than ever now.

All parents absolutely have that luxury- you can call social services and relinquish your children. Most single parents don't do this because they love their kids.

This is a silly take.

I have two children, both unplanned pregnancies. I never wanted to be a mum but struggled to actually go through with an abortion. I’m now a single mum to two disabled children.

Life was much easier when their dad was involved and we had a good co parenting set up. Things feel dramatically worse when that set up changes for whatever reason. How does anyone even know they’ll enjoy being a mum (and a single mum at that) until they become one?

Please remember that this is a parenting forum. You may enjoy commenting multiple unhelpful comments over and over, but most people will comment to offer support and/or advice. Not to make the OP feel worse

Leave it. You can't change him anyway
Work on your on life. You have a future to sort.

Firstly, you have every right to feel pissed off and lumbered I would probably feel the same way if I was in your situation. Have in your mind your children are the innocent ones in this. Mentally it will damage them. They need you to be strong and fight for them. Sort out CMS payments and if he still doesn't pay take him to court. Don't let him get away with it he can run but he can't hide.