I don’t want my kids since co-parent cut contact

[Winter2012]

My kids are 4 and 2.

Their dad was coparenting for about 18 months since we broke up. Since he has met his new girlfriend he has become more distant with co parenting.

a few weeks ago I attempted to text him to arrange contact as he hadn’t seen them for a while, but the text didn’t deliver. I tried to call him, it wouldn’t go through. I’m either blocked or he changed his number. He’s not on social media so I can’t contact him through there. His parents have also blocked me. And I don’t know who his girlfriend is so I can’t contact through her either.

I went to his parents house as that’s where he was living, but they told me he’s moved in with his girlfriend and they don’t have her address but even if they did wouldn’t share it with me. They’re not interested in the kids.

I was hoping he would reach out as we get close to Christmas, but nothing.

and honestly since he’s cut contact, I feel like I can’t cope with the kids. I feel depressed and I cry everyday.

I feel like I’m looking after HIS kids that he has dumped on me and left me. I just don’t feel crazy in love about these kids like normal parents do. I feel like I was only getting on well because of the coparenting dynamic. I don’t know if I want them, but I don’t know if I could give them up either. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so so depressed since their dad is off the scene and I can’t make any contact with him. Any advice?

No one to have them, I have no friends, my family dont care, I have the worst mother who is extremely unsupportive

Winter2012, an aupair will be a older teen that needs a separate room and to be treated as an older sibling, they are not appropriate for your situation.

You need to contact HomeStart and get help from them, a volunteer will come around and help. And if you need further additional help advertise for a Mother's Help in the local paper, they don't take care of the child 1:1 like a nanny but are there to be an extra pair of hands, normally an experienced mum or grandma that is retired and looking for a bit of work.

I would go to your GP and have a chat

My GP prescribed me some medication and gave me a phone number for counselling. I don’t know how any of this is going to help at all but I’ll give it a try. It’s not going to magically make me love my kids. I dont feel what other mums say they feel online about their children. I feel like there is something wrong with me as all these mums go on about this epic love. The bond has been damaged since he upped and left

I don't mean to sound blunt but you're referring to them as 'his' kids, they are not just his they are yours too. I don't doubt it's difficult please try and get some support from your GP for your own sake and that of your kids.. it's not fair for the children to suffer due to your and your ex partners choices, don't loose sight of the fact that they are innocent in this. You said something along the lines of if he's not looking after them why should you.. 2 wrongs don't make a right

Do you think part of the problem OP might be that you see them as “his” kids, when actually they are also your kids? All of your replies here have been about “his kids”, they are also your children.

It’s an awful situation, I do think counselling may be beneficial for you and hopefully the medication can help in the meantime.

OP, you are absolutely right to notice that you are projecting your feelings about him onto them. It's great that you are already aware of that. If you can deal with your feelings about him, there's a possibility that can change and the future can look different. You are not terrible, you are in a terrible unfair circumstance and it's shit and you and they didn't deserve it. You can deal with your anger (keep it for now but direct it at him), you can deal with your grief and vulnerability in time and from that low low point you will rebuild.

I’m sorry that you’re struggling so much but your children are what’s most important here and your posts read as though you’re not prioritising them. Are you feeding them properly? Bathing them? Do you have anything nice planned for Christmas for them?

Poor mental health can affect anyone and is not something to be ashamed of, but speaking so coldly about your own children is a real worry.

You’ve said that you don’t have a relationship with your own mother and this could go some way to explaining why you’re so detached from your own children; you’ve not had what ‘good’ looks like modelled for you. I’m sure that there is help out there for you to help you work through your past and heal, but that will take time and in the interim your children really shouldn’t just be left in the sole care of a mother that has no warmth for them. Not if there’s an alternative, short-term measure that your HV or social services might be able to arrange. Please explore this tomorrow.

Children as young as yours are entirely dependent on you, as are they acutely aware of your feelings towards them. Even if you have no strong maternal feeling for them surely you can see that they’re small and defenceless, and deserve the best start possible?

I completely agree that their father is a shit and their care shouldn’t fall to you entirely. But that’s not the hand that they’ve been dealt and so you need to step up and put them first. If you can’t do that, services exist that can help. Use them.

Look after yourself. But please prioritise your children.

Exactly. I don’t blame you OP for feeling like you do. It’s shit that he can just bugger off and leave you to it but you don’t have that luxury.

I'm pretty scared for your children, to be honest. You sound like you don't love them, you say you keep snapping at them and don't give them the emotional support they deserve. That's pretty scary to read, tbh. Any chance you could spend the next few days/couple of weeks at your parents so they can help you co-parent and attend to rhe children's needs (including emotional needs!) until you sort yourself out, get the counselling you need and start feeling the effect of medication?
Your children are so young, and they are so so so hard work at 4 and 2, but they don't deserve to suffer from your problems. That's for you to sort out.

You need to get social services in to assess the situation asap.

That's normal.
Your life is a grand fuck up at thr moment.
You cannot be pissed at your ex as he left no contact with his new gf.
You are the one stuck with childrrn.
If it was not for them you would also enjoy some new bloke right now.
It is normal you see them as an obstacle.
Bcs they are.
And you are probably quote logical person.

But.

They are your children.
You made them.
And you know you cannot easily break this bond.
You will never have so much impact on anyone as you have on them in your life.

Sit down.
Put all positive and negative about staying with them.
Read it again after 12, 24, 48 hours.
Focus on it.
See your GP again
You may have anxiety.
It is A LOT on you now.
Scream for help.

Scream for help and fight for your children.

You need lots of love and support right now OP and i think you need meds for depression. Could you go and stay with your parents for a while? Are they supportive and helpful?

I’m sorry you have such little support. Agree with suggestion to try home start and well done for going to the gp as well. I hope the
medication and counselling help.

The fact that you say the bond has been damaged is really positive- you know there was one and circumstances/your mental health has affected it. You are also reaching out for help- online and then to your GP. You are doing this because you want that feeling of bonding and love back.
I echo other posters advice to discuss this with your health visitor, the are often more adept at practical advice over your GP.
Whilst waiting for medication effects to kick in (don't give up on them l, at first you can experience the negative side effects before the benefits have kicked in) and accessing support remember that this epic love that is portrayed online is not real life. You want to be better for them, that in itself is a strong love indicator.

(Please note the above post is all about you. I will very briefly mention their dad now to highlight that you can't control his actions, only yours. Focus on you. It is unfair you have become default parent when he chose to opt out, but that is something you don't have the power to change. Focus on what you can change.)

YOU ARE NOT THE WORST MUM. You are being faced with the knowledge that you are alone with the kids day and night all the time. You are unsurprising overwhelmed, that DOES NOT make you a bad mum. Plan your days, find fun things to do. Enjoy your kids. Obviously at some point you need to pursue this man for child support if nothing else, but for now get a good routine going for you and the kids.

The meds will take a while to kick in.

my ex wasn’t allowed unsupervised contact.. I felt if he couldn’t look after them how could I ask anyone else .. but now is the time to call in all your favours

when you talk about the dc - use my children .. it’s a small change but will help you separate them from him in your mind .

Just know your best is good enough right now .. spend time getting out the house if you can .

Get help from your GP as these awful negative feelings about your children are worrying.

If you had been widowed you would feel stressed at raising your children on your own but you would embrace them and cherish them.

You are pulling away from your children and that's very disconcerting.

I think you need to contact social services and give your kids up, at least for now. The way you talk about them doesn’t sound like you are willing to look after them. Maybe after a break you might feel more able to have them again, or maybe not. If you don’t want them, give them up now while they’re young enough to be adopted and be with a family that wants them.

Im never overly dramatic but OMG 😱what awful advice.
For op and her kids separation would be the worst option possible. She is not talking about harming them, or not caring for their daily needs! Intrusive thoughts are prevalent. Social services can be supportive thorough this, you should never discount their input. BUT removing a child from their mother is not beneficial in the slightest unless all other support avenues have been investigated and discounted.

To make my last post clear to op. I'm not saying social services input is bad, they have avenues of support not available to other agencies. I'm saying that separating you from your children for any prolonged period will not be their first intervention (if nothing else it involves a massive amount of paperwork), providing you support to handle your current situation is what they will focus on

Absolutely nothing the OP has said has indicated the children are in any danger or that they are being neglected.

At most, SS involvement will be a perfunctory phone call to see how she is, followed by her having to explain to every official body for the duration of her children’s childhood that she’s had SS involvement.

It's not at all surprising you're feeling this way. You're dealing with so much. It's a very difficult age where you don't get much peace. Could you afford to pay for some babysitting? There maybe someone at nursery who offers babysitting at weekends?

Or Home Start ? Or exercise classes that have a creche?

I promise it will get easier. They will need less undivided attention. They will get invited on playdates. You will be delighted he isn't involved. They vill be YOUR children and not his. Stupid, stupid man.

Disagree. All the “his kids” stuff sounds like she hates them. No one is going to come on here and admit to not looking after their kids or mistreating them. Removing children from a mother who can’t or doesn’t want to look after them is absolutely beneficial if it keeps them safe.

Your poor kids. Dad has cut them off and mum annoyed she's left with 'his kids'. Sounds awful for your children. You sound very cold. I think that while you seek help for yourself, separately you need to get out of self pity mode while with the kids and fake it till you make it. A technique that can work is always imagining you are being filmed for a documentary every time you interact with your kids. They are tiny - give them a nice home life. No excuses. Get professional help in the meantime for your own mental health. I have no support at all and a useless, rude partner who does nothing (stuck with him for various reasons) I don't take it out on my kids. You seem to openly resent yours. Feel so sad for them. Remember you are just a relationship break up and an adult. They have no one except you - small, defenceless kids.