I don’t want my kids since co-parent cut contact

[Winter2012]

My kids are 4 and 2.

Their dad was coparenting for about 18 months since we broke up. Since he has met his new girlfriend he has become more distant with co parenting.

a few weeks ago I attempted to text him to arrange contact as he hadn’t seen them for a while, but the text didn’t deliver. I tried to call him, it wouldn’t go through. I’m either blocked or he changed his number. He’s not on social media so I can’t contact him through there. His parents have also blocked me. And I don’t know who his girlfriend is so I can’t contact through her either.

I went to his parents house as that’s where he was living, but they told me he’s moved in with his girlfriend and they don’t have her address but even if they did wouldn’t share it with me. They’re not interested in the kids.

I was hoping he would reach out as we get close to Christmas, but nothing.

and honestly since he’s cut contact, I feel like I can’t cope with the kids. I feel depressed and I cry everyday.

I feel like I’m looking after HIS kids that he has dumped on me and left me. I just don’t feel crazy in love about these kids like normal parents do. I feel like I was only getting on well because of the coparenting dynamic. I don’t know if I want them, but I don’t know if I could give them up either. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so so depressed since their dad is off the scene and I can’t make any contact with him. Any advice?

You need to go to the doctors and discuss this. Hope you get the help you neeec to cope. Could family of friends give you a break?

It sounds like you are very depressed. I don't blame you, being a single parent to little ones is hard and you have a dead beat ex. I think you need to seek mental health support. This isnt the children's fault.

Go to your GP. Be totally honest about how you are feeling. They will not judge you. They will try to help you and your children.

My parents help me but I don’t feel like it is their responsibility and I feel guilty when they help. I feel like he should be doing his bit with his kids but I can’t contact him, there is no way for me to find him. I feel like if he doesn’t want them, then why should I

Also just to add, don't try and push him and his family for anymore contact. He's shown you he isnt interested, as have his family. Don't try and make them be something they arent. Make a claim for child maintenance though, he doesn't get to opt out of paying anything.
My ex ditched his kids when he found a new gf. I'm sorry you are going through this.

You poor thing OP. This is awful that he's cut you off like this. Please go to the GP and see what support is available- perhaps they can refer you to homestart or similar for practical help. They can definitely refer you for mental health support to process the impact of the breakup on you and your feelings about the kids.

See your GP. Ask for an urgent time.
All the best to you.

You can self refer to HomeStart but tbh, they only offer an hour or two of practical help during the week as there’s a lack of volunteers.

Sorry you’re feeling like this, I’m a single parent to two disabled toddlers and it’s not easy at all. Try to remember that this isn’t the children’s fault that their dad is showing a lack of interest

I am sure your parents are happy to help.

Don't feel guilty about being straight with them. Tell them how you fell.
You need their love and support. The child too.
And things will get easier. I promise you next year at Christmas it's much much easier to handle life.

Postnatal depression can hit at any time in the first 4 years after having a child. Speak to your GP, it's also worth asking for blood tests because thyroid problems can manifest as depression and are very common after pregnancy.

thyroiduk.org/having-a-baby/postpartum-thyroiditis/

www.bmj.com/content/348/bmj.g3446

These tiny children need you and love you. Their father unfortunately is a c. His parents are also shameless Cs so it's easy to see where he gets it. Go to the GP, lean on your family for now. You aren't the first or last to be badly let down. You can and will get through it but for now you need to keep going. You just need to keep getting through the day.

Please, OP, contact someone who you can share your feelings with. These are your children, they deserve the best you can give, and if you can’t at the moment then get some help.

It isn’t your parents responsibility, it’s yours and your exs. But that doesn’t mean they can’t help or don’t like helping or that they can’t help more.

Christmas is a really difficult time for lots of people. Try and make a plan about how you can organise help and support for yourself so you feel less alone

You need to get help for your children’s sake and your own. You can’t make him co-parent even if you could contact him.

Get an urgent GP appointment. Let your parents help you. Take all the support you can get. Best wishes to you and your dear little children xx

I’m the worst mum. I keep snapping at them. They say a child’s wellbeing is dependent on the mother’s happiness. Well the mother is hysterically depressed and non stop crying. They’re not getting the emotional support that they need. I just feel like their dad has caused all of this. he’s on my mind 24/7 thinking about how I find out where he is and maybe even dumping them on his doorstep like what he’s done to me. I’m worlds worst parent, if I knew I’d find myself in this situation, I’d have never had children with this man

The issue here isn't that he's cut contact. Sure, that's an issue, but a separate one.

If you're feeling this way about your children, you need to reach out for help and support.

It’s understandable that you’d feel this way and it is galling to think of him swanning off while you do all the drudgery of parenting.

can you try to turn it round in your mind? It’s his loss. You have your babies with you. Hold them close and enjoy snuggles that he doesn’t get.
You and them can be your own little family unit. There are difficult phases in parenting but joyful moments too and it won’t be forever

Did you like the contact you had with your ex. We're you sleeping with him still? Sounds like your grieving your relationship you had with him

Nope. He was actively involved and looking after the kids

The issue I have is not to do with grieving him. It’s purely having the burden on my shoulders of looking after his misbehaving children on my own

Is there some backstory with your relationship with his parents? It seems like there's more to it, as I don't see why they would block you unless your behaviour or actions had overstepped the mark.

There's a big difference between not replying to messages/not agreeing meetups/saying generic things from a distance, and full out blocking.

Did you want to have kids? Did you have postnatal depression?

Op you say you were managing when coparenting. Can you explain why that was working for you?

What specifically did you get out of that relationship?
Was it free time? Friendship from your ex? Thought you may get back together? Financial? Etc etc.

This may help us help point you in the right direction.

It's a tough age. It doesn't make you a bad mum that you snap at them. It's a lot. Let your parents help you, maybe drop them off for a few hours or stay over and go and do something by yourself in the evening.

Oh OP please speak to someone about how you are feeling. Those ages are tricky enough for everyone but doing it all alone and with depression is too much. Let your parents help you, speak to your GP, be kind to yourself and your children.
Forget your ex and his family for now. After Christmas make sure you organise for him to pay maintenance,

Are they in nursery? Can they access holiday clubs?
Contact the GPs and HomeStart today and possibly children's services in your area tosee what support is available.

The children will be misbehaving as they are tired, overwhelmed and struggling with being abandoned.