Am I being neglectful to expect the dc to sort themselves out after school?

[silentmadge]

I think not but a friend of mine has expressed horror

In September my youngest will be almost 5, and at school full time. I also have a 7 and 10 year old at the same primary, and a 12 and 15 year old at secondary. I was fully intending to let the 15 year old collect the little ones from school, walk everyone home, and keep an eye on things til around 5pm when I get home. However my friend reckons the primary won't even release the 5 year old into the care of a 15 year old (I'm sure this is rubbish!) and may get social services involved.

I did this at 15, a 5 year old and a 10 year old, and I was perfectly capable. This is until 5 pm, not bedtime.

I will say though, how is the 15 year old going to leave school early enough to collect the others?

Ps, sorry but ...

I was capable, but I was NOT happy about it.

silentmadge- It shouldn't be a problem.
As some have said, I'd inform the younger child's teacher of the plan incase your 15 is delayed. Likewise inform your 15 year old school - to say that they need to go on time.

Do you know a parent well enough in the younger child's class to tell them the plan and see if they are willing to wait if there is a problem, just for the first week?

I don't have any problem with the principle of this at all - I think it's an important thing that all members of the family help each other.

And it's not just your 15 year old, there's plenty that your 12 year old could be doing as well.

But practically speaking I think you might find it more problematic.

GCSEs do mean that schools often put on after school classes, and it's unfair on your 15 year old if they have to miss that. And be aware that there are some subjects, like ICT or graphics, for example, where they can only do some of their work at school.

I'm with expat in scotland over this. I think it should be fine, and it's even good for the older kids. The idea that it could prompt a referral to social services to me is . I would pay your 15 y o babysitting money though.

My dd is rarely home straight after school,there is often something going on she needs/wants to attend.

I do think there is more to this than just the logistics of it can work, there are many good points here.

I for one think that your 15 year old should be rewarded for doing this, as it is every day, not just 2 or 3 times a week, so they can fit in other things they want. You are asking them to do it without fail. It could be that you don't expect them to look after the children on your behalf at any other times over the weekend for example, so they can catch up with any school work, or you pay them some additional pocket money.

I think it is OK. And you know what? it's not for ever, for the simple reason the kids grow up. In a year's time, the children will be 6, 8, 11, 13 and 16. And a year after that, 7, 9, 12, 14 and 17. The younger children themselves will become more responsbile.

The only thing I would suggest is that if there is something your dd1 does especially want to do, you leave it open enough for her to disucss it with your and for you to see if you can put in "one off" arrangements. Such occasions don't necessarily need to be emergencies.

Dropdeadfred on Wed 30-Apr-08 13:55:12
"And I am the mother of a daughter aged 15 (16 next month) and she has NEVER been asked to look after her 2 yr old sister and never would be expected to. Yes she loves her, plays with her through choice and is a brilliant big sister. But that's where the responsibility ends...she is a sister (by my choice-making not hers) NOT a parent! "

You know, I'm rather glad I wasn't your daughter. If I hadn't had the chance to practise on younger brothers and, later on, nieces and nephews, I wouldn't have had half the confidence I did when my own baby was born. The sense of responsibility I felt for my younger brothers, and the knowledge that my parents trusted me, was something that made me grow and feel good about myself.

I am not saying that every day is an ideal solution, but I do think at 16 it might be a good idea to let your daughter feel that you do trust her as an soon-to-be-adult, by letting her do the occasional short babysit. Remember how often the complaint is raised that young mothers have not learnt the baby-rearing skills that previous generations would have learnt from their mothers. This is how they would have been learning. You've got an ideal opportunity to give your own daughter a headstart here.

As for the OP, I would join my voice to the middle camp and say that regular babysitting does not seems unreasonable in itself, but that if at all possible you should be flexible and allow her the chance to get involved in any later revision that may come up. And if at all possible, one afternoon off a week probably would be good.

revision clubs, that is.

cory, I am a fantastic mother and very confident and was the youngest in my family, no neices or nephews to practice on either.
Every night is simply unreasonable for any child to look after their siblings.

But it's good for teenagers to take on some real life responsibility. The best nanny I had was brought up helping to care for her siblings from aged eight. She was ten years younger than me and I was in awe of her natural confidence with children.

Cory - thanks for your opinion. Strangely though I know that she wouldn't want sole responsibility of her sister. I actually asked her about this whole thread when she got home last night (after revision at school). she has had ample opportunity to nappy change, play with, feed, help bath etc all which she has enjoyed.

I would never wish a child to carry the burden of guilt if an accident happened (such as a previous poster with her younger brother cutting his head open).

that's just the way I am...they are a long time adults and a short time children, I like to let them have as long a childhood as possible.

I wouldn't do it. My DS is 15 and occasionally picks up my DD (10) from school. But we don't have a 7 and 5 year old. Nothing wrong with a bit of responsibility, but I wouldn't want him to give up his after school sport/drama etc It also means your DD can't do her homework until after 5 with an hour or so of tiring childcare behind her. I don't think it's fair to be honest. Do you have any other options? Or even compromise and have her collect one or two days a week? If you have to do this, does she have an adult she can call on if needed?

Today we got through the door a Local Authority booklet "Parenting Handbook: A Guide for Parents and Carers of birth to 11 years old".

This has proved interesting reading. Under babysitting it states "The Children's legal centre and NSPCC advise that the minimum of age of a babysitter should be 16 years of age. This is based on the idea that at 16 and above, a young person understands possible dangers and risks and could get help quickly if needed. This age limit is also linked with the possible action which could be taken by police if anything were to go wrong and an injury resulted. It is most likely that you as a parent would be held responsible if anything goes wrong if your childcarer is under 16 years of age".

I'm not saying I agree with this, as is there really that much difference between a sensible 15 year old and an average 16 year old? I would just be a bit wary as there is such emphasis on child protection these days. Probably discuss with school and get their OK first? Also, I agree that your dd might grow to resent such a daily responsibility (I know I would have!)

At 15 i was regularly doing babysitting for friends and family from 7pm-midnight aqt the weekends. i had about 4 different families i babysat for, including one child with CP, another with DS, and one with ADHD. Those years really helped me when it came to my own children.

At 15 your dd1 is more than capabale (it does sound a very nice close family and you trust her to be able to even consdier this), but I am just wondering what would happen if she ever ended up in detention? do you have a back up plan in place?

Also, at 15, i would be expecting a little extra in my pocketmoney for this level of responsibility. a little extra for the weekends so i could out with friends i have missed during the week, and maybe a little longer on curfew at the weekend.

a bit of give and take is good for a family IMO.

I'm with dropdeadfred, I dont think its fair that the elder sibing should be responsible for childcare. She isnt their parent, she's their sister.

I thouroughly resented being made to look after my younger siblings and never being able to go to school clubs, stay for music lessons, going to the library or doing things with my friends. I loved spending time with them but there is a difference between wanting too and being made too.

By the time you get home, have tea, she's done her homework she wont have much time to do anything else. Once a week maybe, but I would never expect all week.

The local primay school won't let under 16's collect infant children (4 -7 year olds).
Also I think it is a bit much to expect your 15 year old to lok aftter the younger children every day. What happens if she has to stay on a school for something? DD3 16 sonetimes stays on at school revision classes or Drama rehearsals.

If I were your fifteen year old I'd tell you to go to hell

Fifteen is a time for enjoying yourself, not doing the job of a parent every night, even if it is 'only' for an hour. Once a week is fair enough, but I think you're selfish to expect it every night of the week.

Also, as others have said, very few primary schools are likely to allow an under sixteen year old take care of foundation children.

I don't think it is negletful and 15y is, MO, old enough to look after a younger sibling. I certainly did.

BUT - does it have to be every night? i did have to do it every night and it was so tying. I hated the fact that I couldn't go to a friend's house after school, or do anyything at school after finishing time. I'd have liked to have a day or two a week to do my own stuff too.

I do think it is important to ensure ALL the children have chance to do their own thing some of the time, even if just once a week. You do risk causing resentment otherwise.

Also bear in mnd that 15 is GCSE year so there may be after school sessions for revision, and also the 15y needed time away from siblings to study and do coursework.

"I think as the eldest she does have some responsibility for looking after her younger siblings"

Why? She didn't choose to have younger siblings? She is not the parent here! It isn't her job. She will have years of childcare responsibilities ahead of her in years to come should she chose to have her own children.

Agree with dropdead - they are a long time adults and a short time children...that's so true

Yes, all members of families get along by helping eachother but this is different, this is having the onus on you to be in loco parentis and that's alot of responsibility at 15. I agree with Hula that she doesn't have 'responsibility' for looking after them. only the parents have that - who chose to have them..she didn't...

Hula said it best, your fifteen year old didn't choose to have four younger siblings, you made that choice for her. Do the decent thing and think things through a little better.