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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I being neglectful to expect the dc to sort themselves out after school?

149 replies

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 12:54

I think not but a friend of mine has expressed horror

In September my youngest will be almost 5, and at school full time. I also have a 7 and 10 year old at the same primary, and a 12 and 15 year old at secondary. I was fully intending to let the 15 year old collect the little ones from school, walk everyone home, and keep an eye on things til around 5pm when I get home. However my friend reckons the primary won't even release the 5 year old into the care of a 15 year old (I'm sure this is rubbish!) and may get social services involved.

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Loshad · 30/04/2008 13:25

I think every night is a bit mean on the 15yo tbh as well. I have a 14.5 yo and he's great with the younger ones, and I can and do leave him to look after them. But every night means your oldest can never have the pleasure of saying yes to hanging out with friends, or staying at school to train for a sports team or for a school play, or orchestra, or just enjoy a bit of dawdling and peace and quiet. what happens if he gets an after school detention, or is ill himself. Yes as one off, irregular thing but no to a five day a week/every week arrangement.
expat's job was a bit different - since it presumably involved both choice, and money - both important to a teenager.

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 13:25

my dd1 is 15 and goes to school-run revision classes 3 nights per week after school and swimming another ight...often she wants to see a friend on the other evenings.....would you let your dd1 miss out on valuable revision ?

expatinscotland · 30/04/2008 13:26

DDF, she is NOT talking about evenings.

that's evne in the OP.

she's talking about an hour and a half after school.

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expatinscotland · 30/04/2008 13:27

it's NOT nights, people.

please read the OP.

it's until 5PM.

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 13:27

you did ask for people'sopnions..I have gien mine. They are not your daughters children nor her sole responsibility....you are depriving her of choice and saddling her with a large burden

WorriedAboutFanjo · 30/04/2008 13:28

The only problem I see here is that the older on will not be able to meet friends after school, walk home with them, wander into town, go to their houses etc. Or do after school activities or clubs. The older children I know do things like sports etc most evenings and she wouldn't be able to do this. She may come to resent you or her siblings.

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 13:29

Expat - I KNOW the times. Schoold now quite often offer revision clases for GCSE students ( as well as a variety of important after school activities...) these run from 3.10pm til 5. My dd would lose out if I expected her to replace a paid childminder.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2008 13:29

the OP is single and can't afford a childminder.

lisad123 · 30/04/2008 13:31

I know my DD1 school will realease children to siblings, and trust me SS wouldnt touch it ( i work for them), as long as 15 year old is resposable enough.

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 13:31

how did she manage before? she says she is looking forward to being 'free' of after school childcare arrangements... I wonder if her dd1 is looking forward to it...?

expatinscotland · 30/04/2008 13:32

she probably managed by not eating well.

sorry, but i'm always of the opinion that hte family as a unit supercedes the individual.

i'm glad i was brought up this way and am now in an area where this is the norm.

happystory · 30/04/2008 13:32

Apologies if you have answered but is your 15 year old quite happy to do it? If so and there's no resentment I think it's simply between you all.

Agree with FAQ most primary children just want a snack and TV for the first hour or so after school. My 2 used to disappear to their rooms and potter.

I think in this day and age we should all be a bit more supportive to a mum who's trying to do her best....

MamaG · 30/04/2008 13:34

Sometimes families have to pull together to make things work. I'm lucky in taht I am able to take an dpick up my DC every day, but sometimes finances ahve to take over the decision making! 15 year old for an hour? Not a problem. She'll be able to go see her mates etc after 5pm. It might not be ideal, but it will WORK

Original poster

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 13:35

True, none of them will be doing after-school clubs. I had to get a bus home from school when I was a child and never did after school clubs either though, and I'm not scarred by it. DD1's school does lunchtime not afterschool detentions, and I haven't heard anything about after-school revision sessions. The kids do do some evening clubs like Brownies and Cubs, football and drama clubs on a Saturday etc which I take them too. If any of them want to play out with friends they'll have to wait for 5pm. If any of them want to do homework or revision between 4pm and 5pm I don't see why they can't do that at home

OP posts:

Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 13:35

I don't see any problem with this apart from what others have mentioned, teenager not being able to see friends straight after school etc

how about a compromise? could you maybe get a childminder a couple of days a week so that your eldest has say 2 days to do what he/she wants

and I agree that families need to pull together and do what needs to be done, we used to have to put dinner on (hot pans! screeeeech, someone call SS!), clean up, go to the shops etc

I am sure I would have preferred to be doing something else like playing outside but, hey, guess what, I WASN'T IN CHARGE!

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 13:37

I only stated my opinion...which i believe is valid (last time i checked)

AgonyBeetle · 30/04/2008 13:38

My 13yo dd1 has picked up 4yo dd2 from school on occasion, without anyone raising any objection. I wouldn't let the two of them come back to an empty house because the 4yo is quite naughty and the 13yo still too young.

But they're fine to walk back from school together. School has certainly never objected. She picks up the 8yo from after-school club a couple of days a week too-- doesn't seem to be a problem, she has to sign him out etc.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2008 13:38

Gordon Broon wants to see all lone parents with kids over 12 back in work FT.

That's going to mean more and more older siblings have to muck in and help out with childcare.

It won't kill them and it's not the end of the world.

My dad had to do this and he managed to get a master's degree in petroleum engineeing in life with full honours.

His siblings all had to help out. All 5 of them went to university and had rewarding careers - two were teachers, one a social worker, another an anaesthetist and my dad an engineer.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2008 13:38

and people are stating theirs, DDF.

Original poster

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 13:40

My DP has shifted his hours so he can do the morning drop off. Aside from the money, it is not easy to find someone to do 90 minutes of childcare a day! Hence much stressful juggling over the last two years.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 13:41

i can see both sides of the coin...but
I still think it is a big ask in this day and age.....the world has turned a few times since our parents were kids....

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 13:42

sorry I thought you were a single parent?

Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 13:43

like most things silentmadge, suck it and see

check with school if your eldest can collect and go from there

if it doesn't work out, maybe chat to other mums, do a rota or something? do you have any other friends who could help out

and if the only option is your eldest collecting and they pull a face, well remind them who pays for their mobile/trainers/yada yada and tell them tough shit

Ledodgy · 30/04/2008 13:43

Does the primary school not offer an after school club for this very reason?

Original poster

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 13:45

No, I'm not dropdeadfred. I don't see why children helping out is so different in "this day and age"

I'm sure DD1 would be happier not to have to look after the others after school - but then she'd rather never tidy her room either. They'd all be happier if I picked them up after school, but unfortunately life isn't always like that.

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