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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

Am I being neglectful to expect the dc to sort themselves out after school?

149 replies

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 12:54

I think not but a friend of mine has expressed horror

In September my youngest will be almost 5, and at school full time. I also have a 7 and 10 year old at the same primary, and a 12 and 15 year old at secondary. I was fully intending to let the 15 year old collect the little ones from school, walk everyone home, and keep an eye on things til around 5pm when I get home. However my friend reckons the primary won't even release the 5 year old into the care of a 15 year old (I'm sure this is rubbish!) and may get social services involved.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 13:47

Silentmadge 'her room' is exacyly that..hers.
YOUR children are not her responsibility, but I can see that you think they should be and she should have no say in it so there's no point in asking for people's opinions if you just wish to reiterate your original stance.

AgonyBeetle · 30/04/2008 13:48

DDF, how is it harder for a 15yo to pick up his younger sibling from school nowadays than it would have been 30 years ago?

[genuinely puzzled]

My dc primary school is 5 mins walk round the corner. And I sometimes give them some money to stop off at the shop, which is always an added incentive. Obviuosly the walk takes 20 mins out of dd1's time watching Friends on More 4 or talking nonsense on MSN, but I don't really see that as a disadvantage...

Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 13:51

well I disagree

I think as the eldest she does have some responsibility for looking after her younger siblings

whether she likes that or not is another matter

at half term I see lots of dd1's friends from school in the park with their older siblings

now I am sure they would rathter be on Facebook or Bebo or whatever than pushing a roundabout but maybe their parents said "rightyho, working today, you are in charge of X, see you at 5pm"

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aGalChangedHerName · 30/04/2008 13:51

I wouldn't ask my ds1 to do it tbh. He is in 5th year and has revision classes 1-2 times per week atm for his highers and also plays footy after school.

Not fair to ask him to drop all the stuff important to him to look after siblings. He does enough childcare to let his dad and i out for meals etc.

I am not in your situation tho so not for me to judge. Could you not keep your after school care on?

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 13:51

What mean't by that was that these days children of all ages seem to have busier social lives and options on how to send their free time than my parents did in their childhood. So whereas my parents would have gone home from school and not had all the after school clubs etc to choose from, teenagers these days have different priorities and different oportunities

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 13:53

Can anyone explain to me why the fact that you chose to have further children after your eldest means that it is then their reponsibility on your whim to look after them?????

Fennel · 30/04/2008 13:54

It sounds reasonable to me. Though I would try and make it worth the 15 year old's while - could you pay her?

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 13:55

And I am the mother of a daughter aged 15 (16 next month) and she has NEVER been asked to look after her 2 yr old sister and never would be expected to. Yes she loves her, plays with her through choice and is a brilliant big sister. But that's where the responsibility ends...she is a sister (by my choice-making not hers) NOT a parent!

Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 13:55

because they are part of the same family I suppose

it is just how we were brought up

you did what you were told asked, as part of the family and to help run the house

AgonyBeetle · 30/04/2008 13:55

What about MY social life and opportunities? Why should I cut back on MN to pick up the kids when dd1 can do it instead?

in truth I'm usually working when I send her, and it only works when dd1 has a day off or half day. But I think she quite enjoys doing it, makes her feel grown up. And she has that 13yo fluffy things where they get a bit soppy over small cute kids.

But I think older kids genuinely enjoy responsibility and feeling that they are making a useful contribution to the family. And if they don't, tough shit, someone has to do it. Ditto operating the washing machine, putting away laundry and cleaning the bathroom. They all live here, they can all make a contribution, however small.

Original poster

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 13:56

Dropdeadfred - we obviously just have different ideas of what being a family entails I believe that every member of a family has a responsibility to the whole unit - it's not just my role to please my children, but they have useful things to contribute too.

If I'd only had one child I would have had more time and money to concentrate on making her happy of course, but DD1 loves her siblings and I'm sure she doesn't wish they were never born.

OP posts:

Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 13:59

my friend had to make 3 packed lunches at night when her mum worked

she used to moan all the time but it was either make them or starve

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 14:01

Gosh Silentmadge I would never have suggested that your dd1 would think sucha thing!!!

I am just stating that having a larger family was your choice not hers and therefore it seems unfair to me to make her sole carer (for whatever amount of time) asa necessity 5 days a week.

To be fair to my dd1 she would love to look after dd3 on her own occasionally but I do not wish to pput that burden on her shoulders. if anything should happen whilst I wasn't there I would never wish her to have to feel any guilt/responibility. She is still a child herself.

Alambil · 30/04/2008 14:02

surely the 7, 10 and 12 yr old are old enough to come home, get a drink and get on with homework / blob out infront of TV or something? It's only the 5yr old that will need specific care IMO

expatinscotland · 30/04/2008 14:05

'why the fact that you chose to have further children after your eldest means that it is then their reponsibility on your whim to look after them????? '

sometimes things change. your financial situation might change.

it's a family. a unit. they're your siblings, the ones you can talk to when you can't go to Mum and Dad. the ones you share yourself with.

yes, they're a PITA.

but so aren't we all?

i'm with silent.

expatinscotland · 30/04/2008 14:06

we used to have to cook, OO! OMG! and wash dishes.

we had chores.

we didn't even get paid for them!

if we didn't do them, we lost priviledges.

should have reported them to SS.

Dropdeadfred · 30/04/2008 14:06

personally my finances would never decide my parenting...but I know what point you are making.

Original poster

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 14:07

I don't see it as that much of a burden - and the chances of anything disasterous happening in an hour slumped in front of the TV after school are pretty limited. All of the children have age-appropriate responsibilities at home, which I think is very important for them. They didn't get to choose which family or where in the birth-order they were born into, but that doesn't mean they don't owe anything to their family because it was my choice!

I am in two minds about paying/rewarding DD1 though - we don't do payment/reward for chores as a general rule, and as all the children will be together and staying at home after school I'm sure DS1 (age 12) will feel equally as though he is deserving of a reward.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/04/2008 14:08

you're very lucky, DDF.

Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 14:08

I used to get home from school to a fecking list!

boil potatoes
hooover up
etc etc

not sure what age I was tbh but definitley juniors as I walked home

expatinscotland · 30/04/2008 14:08

we didn't get paid for good marks, either.

so deprived we were.

AgonyBeetle · 30/04/2008 14:09

DDF, your dd1's going to be 16 next month. That's old enough to get married, have a baby, have a job. But not old enough to look after a younger child for an hour or take responsibility for a bit of housework or shopping?

Oliveoil · 30/04/2008 14:09

me too!

I was top of my class every year, what did I get? fuck all

boy in other class got a bike!

Original poster

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 14:10

Lewisfan - even the 5 year old is pretty low maintenance. DD1's role is really going to be holding hands crossing the road, pouring drinks and being sensible enough to know who to call if there's a problem (we have lovely neighbours in an emergency).

OP posts:

Eponine · 30/04/2008 14:11

I think I am right in saying that most infant schools will not release children to under 16s. I don't know whether this is school policy of a national guideline/rule however.

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