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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I being neglectful to expect the dc to sort themselves out after school?

149 replies

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 12:54

I think not but a friend of mine has expressed horror

In September my youngest will be almost 5, and at school full time. I also have a 7 and 10 year old at the same primary, and a 12 and 15 year old at secondary. I was fully intending to let the 15 year old collect the little ones from school, walk everyone home, and keep an eye on things til around 5pm when I get home. However my friend reckons the primary won't even release the 5 year old into the care of a 15 year old (I'm sure this is rubbish!) and may get social services involved.

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Original poster

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 17:19

How common are these after-school revision classes? I haven't heard anything about them from DD's school, but I suppose they don't start until year 11. I assume they'd be optional anyway. And obviously, if circumstances changed we'd have to rethink.

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windygalestoday · 30/04/2008 17:28

have u thought about detentions and things?
I had an immense amount of responsibilities after school as a teenger i coped but it really was a burden -i know sacrifices have to be made but i think this is rather a big sacrifice -i think you should look into professional childminding as after school care tbh.

Iota · 30/04/2008 17:31

I agree with expat, I think it's perfectly reasonable.

At 15 I took care of a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old for 4 hrs on a Saturday

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windygalestoday · 30/04/2008 17:35

i was 11 when my mother died i had had main responsibility since the birth of my dss becuse my mother was poorly a lot of the time 2 years later she was diagnosed with advanced cervical/ovarian cancer i was almost 12 when she died - i had dys off school to care for her and at 13 i worked 2 4 hour shifts after school each night tea and supper also caring for her at the same time9she used to sleep in my bosses bed above the chippy) responsibility is character building but that doesnt make it right!

Original poster

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 17:36

Her school doesn't do after school detentions.

No luck on finding a childminder for three of them after school. At the moment I'm working part time, so we have a combination of child care swaps with other parents, and a local sixth former picking them up. From September I'm working full time though. As I said, it's not easy finding childcare for 90 minutes a day.

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Original poster

silentmadge · 30/04/2008 17:38

windygaletoday - there's a bit of a difference between that, and picking up and watching your siblings til 5!

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Greensleeves · 30/04/2008 17:48

I think every now and then is fine - and good for them all - family life is a team effort etc. But I think asking her to do it every day is really mean.

But then, my mother used me as an unpaid au pair - get the little ones (including paraplegic PMLD sibling) up, fed and dressed, clean kitchen, take mum a cup of tea, babysit all day at least 3 out of every five days in the holidays, never accept invitations to stay with friends etc because "I don't care what your friends do, I need you here for babysitting"

I don't think I am naturally a selfish person, nor am I a poor team player - but my stomach still clenches with anger when I think about all the 'babysitting' and scrubbing filthy mouldy pots and lugging my sister in and out of walking frames and shitty nappies.

Obviously your situation isn't quite like that, and it's only for an hour and a half a day... but if it's every day and she can never accept invitations to hang out or go home with a friend or whatever, she will feel trapped and resentful IMO.

But I agree with DDF that you seem to have made your mind up.

windygalestoday · 30/04/2008 18:01

madge oh yes i know and in using the word her i meant my v young step sister not my ill mum......i just think its a lot of responsibility for a teenager im not saying youre wrong you know your fmily but im just saying all things considered isnt fter school care a safer option?

branflake81 · 30/04/2008 18:02

I think it's absolutely fine and cannot see why anyone would react with horror, tbh.

jingleyjen · 30/04/2008 18:06

am not reacting with horror.. but I do think that as a long term solution to the childcare problem this isn't the right way to go.
emergencies - yes maybe even one day a week but certainly not 5 days a week.

Miggsie · 30/04/2008 18:12

My MIL brought up her SEVEN siblings and EIGHT step siblings as her mum was either constantly pregant or ill...
My brother, aged 12 used to take me and three of my 7 yo pals to the cinema in towm every saturday.
We all survived.
I am very close to my brother as a result.
Why can't older children help with the younger ones?
Otherwise we would all have to stop at one child only wouldn't we?
My friend's 10 yo son is more responsible and grown up than his dad, who is so vague he often returns home with fewer children than he set out with, and often has lost the house keys as well.
When is it suitable for older children to help out...when they are 18, 19...never????
At 16 they are legally allowed to have their own babies, so give em some practice I say!

juuule · 30/04/2008 18:19

Your poor MIL, Miggsie.

Greensleeves · 30/04/2008 18:30

are we talking about survival though, or quality of life?

of course if their very survival is at stake, then the 15yo should give up all her free time

mumblechum · 30/04/2008 18:38

Also the 12 year old will hopefully be helping ut.

I think it will be fine, and agree with whoever said earlier that we infantilise our children then don't understand why they don't suddenly become independent at 18.

Iota · 30/04/2008 18:39

it's not all her free time though is it? it's an hour and a half til 5pm weekdays. From 5 pm she can see her friends, and all weeekend.

I had a Sat job from the age of 14. My friend's brother worked in a shop after school every day to earn himself some cash. My nephew works Sat or Sun all day as well as taking his A levels.

I think it's fine if you treat it like a job and pay her for her time

TheFallenMadonna · 30/04/2008 18:39

I'm not reacting with horror, and if there is no alternative etc etc.

But I would try to make alternative arrangements for one day a week at least.

I think every day is a big ask, and might risk problems between the children. Or perhaps they are just nicer than me?

kama · 30/04/2008 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

phlossie · 30/04/2008 20:45

Legally, anyone over 14 is allowed to babysit for younger children on a short term basis such as this, so there's no problem there. Social Services have much much much more serious things to worry about!

frankiesbestfriend · 30/04/2008 21:00

Think that helping out with chores etc and occaisional babysitting is very different to a 15yo being your permanant childcare solution.

I would arrange out of school childcare for the youngest 2.

Think this arrangement is unfair on your eldest,tbh. Agree with DDF, they are your responsability, not hers.

Margoletta · 30/04/2008 21:18

I was in this situation myself at your dd's age, and I did resent it. It was hard work herding 3 tired, cranky, obstreperous children home, and getting their tea ready.
I had an especially silly db1, and it was extremely upsetting the time he cut his head open, and needed stitches in A&E, and I didn't know what to do with the 2 littles.
Please get professional help for the 2 primary aged children- the older 2 will be fine at home by themselves.

Amapoleon · 30/04/2008 21:45

I don't think this is about whether a 15 year old is capable of looking after the los. I think this is about having to. Five days a week doesn't allow the 15 year old any time to pursue her own interests after school. I think a couple of days a week would be fairer

Laugs · 01/05/2008 07:57

The best thing about being 15 is dawdling around after school with friends or - ooh - boys.

None of my friends really lived close, which meant we didn't get together in the evenings, so the hour or so after school was really the time for socialising.

It depends on your DD though. Have you discussed it with her and she's happy to help out?

If you think she's grown up enough to mind your other kids, she's grown up enough to be involved in that decision-making process.

Once she turns 16, she might also want to get a part-time job, so you'll have to consider what you'd do then. I think it would be unfair not to allow her to earn her own money unless she was paid something for minding the kids.

CrackerOfNuts · 01/05/2008 08:17

Have you asked you 15 yr old if they mind ? Or are you just going to tell them they have to ??

What if they want to stay behind for an after school activity or go to a friends straight from school ??

brimfull · 01/05/2008 08:22

Have only read OP

I think your 15 yr old may find it a pita,as most teens like to walk home/socialise after school.

I don't see anything morally wrong with it though.

I work nights,have just got home8am,dd 16 has been alone with ds 5 yrs since dh went to work at 5:30m.Asleep for most of it but they are fine.

PosieParker · 01/05/2008 08:25

Harsh but fair, you had your children not your 15 year old. They need to help but not at their expense, what about their school work? Friends etc? Maybe once or twice a week would be okay. Would you finsh at 5 or get back at 5?

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