First time mum... What advice would you give yourself if you could go back in time?

[LilyJessie]

Simple as that really...
I'm 38 weeks pregnant and thought this might be a great question to get some real advice and tips on being a mama!
Thank you 😊🙏🏼

I think realising that every baby is different- just because something works for one baby does not mean it will work for yours. I learnt this after having ds2 who ate differently, slept differently, was comforted differently etc from ds1. I then had ds3 who was completely different again!

Do what works for you and your family. Practise the 'smile and nod' when people give advice. It may be useful but it may not be!

There's no such thing as a textbook baby
Don't compare yourself or your baby to others, find your own routine and do what works for you both
Enjoy it while it lasts it really does go by so fast! X

Don't try to do too much. Look for a part time local job asap instead of your full on 4 day a week role in London. Don't try to just carry on as if you haven't had a baby.

Advice if I could go back and tell myself would be 'quit now, it's never going to get better, he IS cheating on you and he's never going to step up'.

In general, trust your mother's instinct. You might not believe in it, but if something doesn't feel right, trust your gut.

My tip is to have a basket with handles that accompanies you everywhere for the first few weeks- in it should be easy to eat snacks like cereal bars, chocolate, a full water bottle, a can of sugary coke, a muslin cloth, pack of babywipes, some tissues, nipple cream if you need it, a phone battery pack, kindle or book or magazine. That way if you get trapped under a sleeping or feeding baby you have some supplies in easy reach. Also repack your baby bag as soon after you get in the house as possible so next time you want to go oht its just a case of grab bag, baby and buggy and go. Also, don't feel bad for sitting/ lying down and resting with baby. You just gave birth and that takes time to recover from.

Enjoy your showers!! lol

Calm down, you’re doing it right

dont worry about your weight; it’ll come off soon

its hard to soak up the smaller moments when you’re sleep deprived and in the same clothes the past 3 days but those small moments will melt your heart

you will sleep again

they aren’t babies for long

Use a dummy I was BF and my daughter used me as one 😓

The phase that you are in won't last as long as you think!

Take all the pressure off. Don’t think you need to be dashing about to NCT coffees or baby swimming from the moment you deliver the placenta. If I had a Time Machine, I’d just stay at home a lot more in the early says, watching films and nesting and just letting DS be on me, awake or asleep.

Don't torture yourself trying to breastfeed. Breastfeeding is brilliant if it works for you and your baby; but if it doesn't, there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with using formula. I wish I'd known this before I nearly killed myself persevering with BFing my first. He started thriving the second I started him on formula.

Enjoy them. Soak in every moment of the cuddles, first smiles, laughs etc. It all flies by so fast. Equally, do not beat yourself up if you are not treasuring every moment. My second was a non-sleeping, screaming banshee and there were moments when I felt like I was losing my mind and just wishing the days away. Forgive yourself and know that it doesn't mean you love them any less. Some babies are just hard. But your baby will (one day) be a wonderful little human, and even in the hardest moments, you will adore them.

Best of luck OP, but your timing's a bit rubbish😁hope someone is doing all the work for you over crimbo.

& if 3 wise kings turn up on your doorstep, get them to help with the housework.

Good enough is good enough.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and all the best for the impending birth .
I would say you can have a gold plated / diamond encrusted birth plan but the baby won't have read it and there will be other factors outwith your control . Some of that will be due to the position of the baby , your own pain threshold and also your own body anatomy . So treat the BP as a wish list rather than a mandate .
Try and get as much help as you can for the first few weeks . Those people who will genuinely help and you don't have to " host " . Be ruthless with visitors , avoid any apart from immediate family for the first few weeks .

Be prepared that you will find even brushing your teeth a major challenge in the first weeks . You may be lucky that you get an angelic baby that sleeps lots of, but cannot guarantee this !
Be prepared for the competitive sleep arguments with your partner if you have one .
Even as you are going through this , take time to enjoy those amazing first weeks with lots of cuddles .

Try and put everything in fixed places , nappies , changing mat , wipes , muslins etc and have spares in different rooms . Make sure these are returned to the same place . I used wooden boxes / baskets to keep them together and made sure my partner put everything back . When you are sleep deprived at 2am - you don't want to be searching for the wipes !

I think you need to read up on babies and attend parenting classes if you can . Unless you have been closely involved in rearing a relative , accept that you are a complete novice at it.
You need to follow the safety advice re SIDS etc .

I was perhaps fortunate but I found my midwives and health visitors to be really lovely and supportive . So don't think that all of those professionals are difficult .

But as others have said , you are the expert on your baby and e. g I gave up on one book which tried to divide babies into different types - as mine didn't fit in just one category .

Also do what suits you and your baby . You might be someone who wants to keep really busy and will want to go to lots of baby classes etc . I was perhaps fortunate that I had a close friend with a slightly older baby so probably didn't need to socialise too much . I was content to snuggle with my baby and catch up on box sets - would recommend The West Wing & The Gilmore Girls .

I did go to a few baby classes as well but didn't feel I had to be out all the time . It is important that if you don't have mum friends / family near by that you do try and get out as you don't want to feel isolated .
Post here as well as there will be others at the same stage as you .

Enjoy - you have got this .

Really fab advice here! Love the vibe on this thread.

One thing I did which it seemed rare in my friendship group was talk to my husband! So many of my friends were offloading to the mums group about the things their partner was not doing, but not talking to him which felt like a flawed system as nothing improved. The stereotypes proved true over and over that the mums life changed in more ways than the dads and also more extremely, so there were cases where he was still going on a weekend away after working away for work or going to the gym 5 mornings a week or whatever it would be because he wasn't 'needed' so why not carry on as normal. But I made it very clear from day 1 that we were in this together and I have zero maternal instincts whatsoever so we needed to be a team, and we were. Yup I did most of the baby stuff as I was the food and also the one at home but he picked up so much other slack and importantly looked after me!

My fave one was telling him how hungry and bored I got during night feeds (didn't want my phone upstairs as it would wake me up more/make me want to stay awake scrolling). He bought me a kindle and would send me up to bed with a snack bowl of nuts or apple and peanut butter and stuff so I could have something to nibble. He also used to take the baby after the last evening feed and keep him until he woke up for the next feed so I could get a good stretch at the start of the night. Felt so supported! DH felt like he was contributing in an otherwise rather 'mumcentric time' (we ebf so he didn't' get involved with feeds the first 6 months). It all came from talking to one another.

This is pure genius- I wish I'd had the basket advice before I had my kids! One of those travel cups that keep a tea/ coffee warm can be really handy too- either for when you're stuck under a sleeping baby or for walks with the pram. Best of luck OP, you sound lovely and you'll do great.

Yes!!! I did this, totally forgot. It was a life saver.

With your first it really absolutely is the only time you'll EVER get to 'sleep when they sleep'.

Oh god, this is the problem with threads like this!

It turns out that ‘velcro babies’ are a thing - they cannot be put down to sleep. So it means that you get zero sleep when they’re asleep as you have to hold them. Do not beat yourself up about this! Ignore the advice of strangers who say you should ‘sleep when the baby sleeps.’

Equally - if you can’t make it out of the house for the first few months because your baby isn’t one that will sleep in a pram / sleep in the car / be put down - then that is okay! Don’t feel like you should be going out and doing things.

You know your baby better than anyone. I had two very different babies, and that taught me that every bit of baby advice comes with a massive "This worked for my baby" asterisk.

People go on and on about the baby bit , it’s a tiny part of it all!! I mean I’ve had 3 and it’s been the easiest part really , bar from 5 -10 years again which is also easy but omg toddlers … Also your first is easy as you don’t have other kids to look after so appreciate that time.
Sleep isn’t linear and it was easy the first few week -difficult-easy-etc etc etc etc. Thats the way it is the whole time tbh , up and down. I was constantly thinking when do they sleep which was years in my case.
I adored when mine were small , it was really magical and I loved the cuddles and simplicity. I would say have siblings as it’s way easier for us personally now they are older and all play !

Ooh I have three things! One that I did and two that I wish I had've done:

1. Get your partner to film the first time they give you your baby to hold. I didn't even realise my partner had done this at the time as I hadn't asked him to beforehand, but he did and I've watched it about a hundred times since! It's the best moment of my life
2. Outsource or completely fuck off any housework or jobs unless completely essential and enjoy the lying around drinking tea cuddling your baby. After 20 years work without a single sick day I struggled to not be what I thought was "lazy" at the time and like a fricking lunatic was trying to plough through decluttering and organisation in the house within days. My partner used to beg me to stop and I wouldn't listen. I wish I had now!
3. Don't listen to any "at this age they should be doing..." again, I stressed myself out massively because he rolled and crawled late and now he's a feral one year old all over the place I wish I hadn't wasted so much time stressing about it and just enjoyed my happy little baby more!

Also a final thing, I've had a year mat leave with my boy and can honestly say it's been the best year of my life, I adore him and he has brought more joy and happiness to my life than I ever could've imagined. BUT, I've definitely had a few days where I've thought, "god I'm not enjoying this at all", and that's ok. It doesn't make you a bad mom to feel like this, it just makes you human!

Unclench.

Yes, you are too anxious and worry too much. Really nothing will happen if the room is one degree too warm or baby has gained a tiny bit less weight than expected. It's also fine if your baby only eats commercial purees and refuses to entertain the thought of all your lovingly prepared organic vegetables. They are sturdier than you think.

Don't just carry on as normal.... Go to bed and take the baby with you. Look after yourself and the baby and do nothing else. I literally fired out babies and then just carried on as if nothing had happened.

I really regret not hunkering down and shutting the door. I was in Tesco shopping the day after I had my first. Madness!!!