First time mum... What advice would you give yourself if you could go back in time?

[LilyJessie]

Simple as that really...
I'm 38 weeks pregnant and thought this might be a great question to get some real advice and tips on being a mama!
Thank you 😊🙏🏼

Don’t listen to any advice.

I actually did follow this first time and I’m so glad I did.

Your baby has never been cold, hungry or away from your heartbeat and comfort. They’re born and have to wear clothes, hear strange noises and smell strange smells. It’s entirely biologically normal for them to want to be close to you all of the time. You cannot spoil a newborn. Cuddle them, hug them, soak into the first few months as it doesn’t last forever and a secure attachment (them knowing they’re safe) helps with independence later on.

The first few weeks are likely to be intense - it’s life changing, you are recovering, won’t have sleep and will be hormonal. So just take each day as it comes - it’s a massive achievement just getting through each day and week in that early period.

It’s also a beautiful, magical time - all the best

Remember you and baby are both figuring it out neither has the manual for each other.

Try to look after yourself as much as possible. Whatever that is for you, for me it was back for a very gingerly jog asap for my sister it was having time to pop her make up on.

You can't spoil a newborn (no such thing as too many hugs, contact etc)

And lower all standards for the house and your appearance... keeping them alive and happy is a great achievement just in itself!

Hire a cleaner! Wish I'd done it sooner! .

Yes and this.

I remember feeding baby and having her in my arms pretty much non stop for 12 hours during a couple of days in week 2 - couldn’t get off my seat even to go to the loo. I wondered whether it was normal. It was - it’s the fourth trimester and I’m all baby knew

That bubble doesnt last long enough so just accept it- don’t plan too much in those early weeks and make the most of spending lots of time cuddling and bonding with your little one

If you’re not okay, don’t spend months second guessing it, and hoping things will shift - reach out, talk to the gp, take medication and mental health support. Best of luck 🙂

Don't leave baby or put baby down or sleep apart from baby unless or until you want to. It goes by in the blink of an eye.

Good luck for the birth. Train your birth partner in brain. This helped me stand my ground and achieve empowered births:
Benefits (what are they?)
Risks (what are they?)
Intuition (what does it tell you?)
Alternatives (there is often one no one mentions until it's too late)
No action this minute/hour/day/week (what happens if we watch and wait?)

Don't Google anything.
you'll become a nervous wreck.

some advice I got which I've clung on to:

trust that absolutely no one knows your baby better than you, but there are lots of people out there who know babies better than you, whether that be a GP, a nursery nurse, a HV, your MIL or your friend with 4 kids.

It's about finding a balance between listening to others but absolutely trusting your instincts, eg listen to the "experts" talk about how to handle sleep, weaning, tantrums etc but if what they're saying doesn't sit right with you, it's not right.

Your baby cannot manipulate you. It cannot hold its head up or control the movements of its body so it cannot absolutely not manipulate you. If it is crying, it is crying for a reason. Go around the loop. Food, bum, sleep.

also “this too shall pass”. They have weird stages.

also they feed about 18 times a day when newborn. It will pass. Head up. It gets easier.

Just go with the flow and fuck any advice. Genuinely let nature kick in.
(also personally for me - visitors needed to back off )

I really wish I'd taken to my bed for the first couple of weeks and stayed there just feeding and changing him. Nothing else is more important. And I wish I'd had the balls to say to the never ending stream of midwives/health visitors to come in the afternoon instead of turning up first thing when we'd had a bad nights sleep.

Co sleep
Have low expectations of sleep and understand that while it does get better it's normal for young children to be up and down up until age 5 or longer
Listen to your own instincts, you know what is best for your own baby
Have realistic expectations of how your baby / child will react when they are away from you
Follow TOMM on the days you manage to get housework done / do a bit every day. Do a load of laundry every day

I wish I could have had more practical advice on how to handle housework / cook a meal with a baby. Advice like "just leave the housework, it doesn't matter" is unhelpful

All the advice so far is brilliant.

Mine is very personal to me, if I could go back in time I’d say don’t go back to work when they are 9mth old. You don’t need the money that badly and can totally cope for another few months.

I would have loved someone to have told me that your early 30’s are a really competitive time career wise, but that a mat leave isn’t really a big deal. I was in such a rush to prove myself and in the end it mattered not one bit.

In short, work can wait.

Good luck for the birth. Train your birth partner in brain. This helped me stand my ground and achieve empowered births:
Benefits (what are they?)
Risks (what are they?)
Intuition (what does it tell you?)
Alternatives (there is often one no one mentions until it's too late)
No action this minute/hour/day/week (what happens if we watch and wait?)

Brilliant advice . It would have helped me so much.

Take care of your own wellbeing as much as the baby’s. You are the chief caregiver and are enormously important. Eat well, rest as much as you can, nurture yourself as well as your child. Be gentle and loving with yourself as you negotiate a massive change in your life and the beginning of a huge journey.

As others have said, prioritise your baby rather than housework and accept that for a while standards may slip for a bit .
If you have visitors, get them to help . Ask them to make you tea, help with meal prep or whatever.

This used to be pretty standard for mothers in the sixties. My mother spent two weeks in a maternity unit with each of her pregnancies! I remember my poor dad struggling to cope.

This.

Keep “well meaning” visitors to an absolute bare minimum. And don’t host them. Tell them where the kettle is.

we had over 70 people visit when my first was born and I had had an emergency csecion and should have been in bed. My second lockdown baby was a post parting dream in comparison

Don't set the small stuff. Looking back at the ridiculous things that I was prepared to stand my ground over I'm ashamed and cringe.

Take photos of yourself with the baby. So many of baby and dad, family members but after leaving the hospital very rarely any of me. If anyone asks you to take their photo with the baby, please get them to take one of you and the baby and send to you. Tell your other half to make a positive intention to take one of you and baby weekly. PRINT THE PHOTOS!!

Let the house be messy. Eat, sleep and chill - expect your other half to pull his weight in housekeeping and life admin. Set up the balance now so that he's as capable of anticipating the baby's needs as you

Other people love your baby and are as, differently, overwhelmed by the love and emotions as you. Be gracious in Navigating grandparent and aunty/uncle relationships on both sides.

Do a story of you book, but get grandparents to complete with photos and family anecdotes

Remember most people are not judging you, or really thinking about you to the extent you're obsessing about. Take advice in the spirit of being offered in good faith for you to use as works for you or ignore. Baby needs food, nappies and somewhere safe and warm to sleep. The rest is a bonus.

This !

Be selfish, take the naps, run a bath.. and if you have a partner, make sure they are given trust and licence to do baby as they want too as well, they will also make mistakes and let them.

What I mean by that is don't take full ownership, let them learn and evolve as well. If you take too much control they back off and you get left holding the baby, it's exhausting for both of you so take all the support that's offered.

Loving all this! Thank you everyone who has responded so far.

Will keep reading away.

Thinking back ( mum of 4 DC)
take everything at your own pace
enjoy the sleepy moments
if bottle feeding , share it with dad and get some sleep
( I never breast fed and it’s much easier to share)