First time mum... What advice would you give yourself if you could go back in time?

[LilyJessie]

Simple as that really...
I'm 38 weeks pregnant and thought this might be a great question to get some real advice and tips on being a mama!
Thank you 😊🙏🏼

Oh my word. Honestly? Stop trying to prove that you're exactly the same as you were before you had your baby. I was my own worst enemy. Felt like I had to show the world I was still competent and capable even though I was a mess of sleep deprived hormonal nonsense.

With your first it really absolutely is the only time you'll EVER get to 'sleep when they sleep'. So do it. Fuck the housework. Ensure your partner does more if he doesn't like an untidy house. Or get a cleaner if it's within the household budget. And don't worry about them only sleeping if they're on you. If that's the only way you can both sleep - do it.

I wish I'd accepted this. Life would've been a lot more bearable. Best of luck

I would have co slept more. We did sometimes but maybe not as much as we should. It would have meant more sleep for all

Don't worry too much about making them too clingy, making them sleep apart from you, sleep training or anything. Don't beat yourself up. Just do whatever gets you the most sleep and works at that particular time!

If I could go back and do it again I would do this:

Buy ready meals in preparation
Have those little formula bottles ready just in case
Buy a belly bandit to help suck your tummy back in
Use a dummy more
Give the baby to your partner often and go to sleep
Use that yellow nappy cream for nappy rash
Use oats in a sock in the bath for eczema
Don't obsess over burping
Back out blinds
White noise
You will cry and feel crap, it's normal and you will get through it
At times you will hate your partner more than you ever have, it's normal
It's ok to hate baby/toddler groups

Set boundaries with your partner to support you, spend time with children, together etc

Heal yourself, physically and mentally if needed and make sure you get the support you need.

Make some mum friends to share the hughs and lows

You don’t need everything that’s advertised!!

You absolutely cannot spoil a baby by responding to them with love and care.

Go to baby groups. You’ll make friends!

Everything is just a phase. If they don't sleep, they will eventually. If they don't eat, they will the next day. If they are being fussy, they'll get over it. If they are getting sick constantly, it's just a phase! So try not to stress too much. It changes so quickly.

Don't listen to the endless advice, especially from the Grannies (unless you specifically ask for advice).

Accept you are learning a new skill and baby is also learning.

Limit yourself to sleep, shower, eat, drink and baby in the early days.

Finally, if baby arrives before Xmas, don't have amazing 'babies 1st Christmas ' expectations, they really won't care!

Don't buy lots of new stuff. You won't use most of it, and even the bits you do, it will only be for a couple of months at most.

Don't co-sleep (with baby)
Take as much maternity leave as you can
Take as much parental leave as you can
Ensure your partner can look after this baby as well as you

With your partner, plan what your partner is going to do and hold him (and yourself) to it. Maybe they do the early evening shift, maybe they do the Saturday morning shift, maybe they do all the nappies, or all the cooking and burping. Whatever. But talk about their role, don't then criticise how they go about it. Set this up at the beginning so the chores and joys of parenting are shared equally.

If I could advise the younger me as a first time mum, I'd say, don't be afraid to ask for help, or take up any offers to help. You're not super-mum. You're recovering from pushing a whole baby out! Be kind to yourself, it's ok to admit you can't cope.

People will judge how you do things, and will say, oh, I did it this way and it worked for us. Ignore ignore ignore. Find your own groove with baby and sod everyone else.

I bought too much crap when preparing for baby. I wish I had more restraint. I didn't use most gadgets and "must haves". So ask yourself before buying something, Do I Really Need This and 90% of the time it's NO.

I’d give the poor cow a hug and tell her all the hills she is prepared to die on really honestly don’t matter. They look like they do, but they really, really don’t. Not in the long run.

The baby will be fine. Trust yourself.

Ignore DH, he’s well meaning but clueless and he will catch up by baby two (or three - yes, there will be a three so maybe dial back the pronouncements on never having more than two).

Breastfeeding is basically a nightmare for the first little bit but then the best and easiest thing ever. Hang in there.

And yes, I know you’re scared about the birth but it’s ok. It will be weird and not what you expect, but it will be ok.

Oh, and gas and air is frigging marvellous so grab that as soon as you can.

Good luck, OP!

Almost none of the things you get worked up about matter that much in the long run.

Breastfeeding has benefits but formula is brilliant. Dummies are fine. You don't need to time their feeds on an app, it may send you crazy and make you shout at your husband when he doesn't stop the feed timer.

If they hate tummy time and you don't do it, they will still be able to lift their head up eventually (though try to use a carrier so the back of their head gets some respite). If they're slower than their peers to roll/sit/crawl/walk/talk they will almost certainly do it eventually.

My baby's feet didn't grow from when she was 3 months old to over 12 months and I convinced myself she would have tiny newborn feet forever.

Do what you need to do to feel human.

For me I absolutely hate when people say things like 'don't expect to have time to wash your hair for weeks or have a hot coffee for months' because that is just untrue. For me a non-negotiable was a daily shower and applying a little bit of makeup. I noticed the odd days when I stayed in my pj's all day or didn't shower were the days I'd be an emotional groggy mess. Same with cleaning the house. If I was in a dirty messy house my mental health really suffered. So work out what is non-negotiable for you and make sure your DP and any other relevant family members or friends know this so they can facilitate you being able to do that.

Also getting out and about for a walk most days (once you are able to) does wonders for both you and baby.

Make sure you have calpol in the house before the first immunisations.
(My wonderful sister saved the day by driving 30 miles in the middle of the night to bring me some...)

A midwife to me - parenting is not just breastfeeding so don't feel guilty if you can't.

You don't need to buy half the stuff you think you do.
It's normal to take ten times as long to leave the house.
Baby massage is lovely for both of you.
If you have a boy, point his willy down when changing nappies.

& if you breastfeed you will be amazed how far milk can travel, pop your hands over your nips as you step out the shower or you may need another one.

Ignore everyone.

As a failed (and remorseful about it) breastfeeder, I would say:

Drink shit loads, even if vomiting in labour (I did).
Remember babies have to learn to latch and some take their time.
Get paediatrician discharging you, or an experienced BFing consultant, to check for tongue tie before you leave the hospital.
When you feel like you can't go on BFing, go on for one more week (health of baby permitting).

These things were good things I did/ discovered:

Put baby down for their morning nap in a day lit room the moment they show signs (eye rub etc).
Linked to this, understand over-tiredness usually lessens the quality of sleep/ shortens the length of nap.
Read picture books to your baby from the word go (and be expressive).
Get a good recording of nursery rhymes and sing along in the car.
Limit choice of toys but rotate regularly to avoid choice overload and boredom.
Go out for a daily walk and commentate.
Mashed avocado and apple is tasty.

For me, it would be that my needs and wants are still important, even though they can’t always come first. There’s no medal for denying yourself or becoming a martyr and the occasional break when needed is much better in the long run than a burnt out mum.

On a similar note, taking a shower or doing the food shop alone is not a break.
It’s taken me an embarrassingly long time to find a good balance, overcome the guilt and to learn how to communicate my needs so that we all benefit and it’s something I wish I could have implicated much, much earlier.

It's fine if you don't breastfeed

You've enough on your plate

This is all amazing and very empowering!
Thank you x