5 year old is so spoiled and ungrateful, feel so upset

[Sandragreen23]

I've always tried to do my best for my DS, groups, clubs, new outfits everyday he is out at the park softplay, meeting friends. Recently Ive just felt he is so spoilt and his attitude around getting new things is terrible, I cant go to the shops without him constantly asking for things then having a strop when I say no. With Christmas things have gotten worse, he just constantly asking for new things and to be taken out all the time. Today I've spent a lot of money taking him out to the panto, buying him a light up wand, then out to the xmas market afterwards for food and a ride on the carousel yet right after we went into a shop and he's lifting everything repeatedly asking me can he had this and why not when I say no. I feel at breaking point, I lost my temper and told him he'd ruined the day by being spoilt (keeping in mind id told him about ten times to stop asking for new toys and he just kept doing it) am I being unrealistic or is there anything I can do because im feeling so upset with everything now

"If you ask for any toys, we will go straight home. " then follow through.

Also he won't understand the value of money or that he should be "grateful".

He’s just 5. He asks for things and he gets them thus far; he doesn’t yet know that he sometimes can’t ask for things. It’s a bit tough on your part because your going to put your parenting boots on and be THAT parent with your child going nuts because they want a toy they can’t have.

Just a lesson that you have to give and reinforce.

Start with we’re going to Tesco (for e.g) but we won’t be getting a toy. We will get some lovely fruit or whatever you are already buying. Distract and ignore the whinging. Be consistent, don’t give in and he’ll get the message pretty fast. Usually this is better nipped in the bud at 2 or 3 but 5 is easier than 15 that’s for sure 😁

Another annoying thing to remember is that he doesn’t see new clothes as the treat you do, so you can’t really add that to things he should be grateful for. Fair enough fairground rides and toys. Have you considered a reward system (pom-poms in a jar or otherwise) every time he does something good (can just be putting on shoes without moaning if you want to get the jar fuller quicker) he can put a Pom Pom in the jar. When the jar is full he gets a toy.

then when your at the shops you can remind him of the jar at home and reinforce that when it’s full maybe that’s what he’ll choose!

Sorry to add again but I just re-read your post, the only thing you’ve done wrong is to lose your temper but that’s easy done with little kids. Let it wash over you if you can

Has he started school this term. A lot of Reception and even Year 1 children get very overwhelmed, overexcited and overtired at this time of year and their behaviour can deteriorated very quickly. Of course they still need to be corrected but it could be that everything you have done today has just been to overstimulating!

Try and give him a chilled evening and an early night. It isn't too long till the end of term now. Wait and see if his behaviour improves once he has has some down time after Christmas. It probably will!

Well tbf it sounds like you do spoil him a bit? Panto and a wand and a fair and a carousel ride in one day is quite a lot...

He's only little. He wants things and sometimes you say yes so obviously he's going to ask for things. It's probably time to start saying no a bit more and then sticking to it. Set the expectations before going in a shop. Try and avoid taking him in shops if you don't have to as well, because it's frankly a rubbish experience both with and for a child!

He is only 5, over tired, over excited and over indulged. None of that is his fault.

He is 5. He has no concept of money. He has no need to be grateful because you are parenting him the way you want to, he has no idea that others don't get the things he does and even if you tell him he won't understand.

You set the expectations before you leave the house and repeat them before you go into the shop. If you buy for him sometimes but not others why wouldn't he ask? You need consistency and boundaries.

"Today, we are going to buy bread, milk and something's for dinner. You can choose the flavour yoghurt (or whatever)".
When he asks for a toy you distract "No, remember we are buying food today, which aisle do you think the oranges are on. I wonder who can find them first you or me?"

', I lost my temper and told him he'd ruined the day by being spoilt'

You have completely enabled him and then chastise him for the problem YOU have created.

agree that he has no idea of the value of money, how could he?
its much worse these days when money is really inviisble, why wouldn't you get him what he asks for when all you have to do is wave your card to get it?
never mind where the money comes from in the first place and al the other invisible things you have to pay for (rent, council tax, utilities)
it sounds like you are spending a lot of money on entertaining him (activities and toys)...maybe scale all that back gradually and just spend time entertaining him instead, by playing together

Parenting classes would help you. Your expectations of a 5 year old are unrealistic.

You’ve done this, not him. What 5yo cares about new outfits?
Set the boundaries and stick to them, even if he screams his head off. Set them, convey them, hold them again and again until you both know where you stand.
This is absolutely not his fault.
FWIW I was with a 5yo yesterday who was the same, screaming she was bored and crying for phone games, new toys, sweets.

Isn’t this pretty standard behaviour? He has only been on the planet 5 years and your expecting him to show adult kind of restraint and gratitude.

You spent the vast majority of money on things YOU also wanted to do . Did he ask to go to the panto? Did he ask to go Christmas markets? How many pics did you take for your social media? Tbf he would have just been happy with the carousel and glow up thing.

You spend all this money because you wanted to and because he behaved like a typical shattered 5 year old you told him he had ruined the whole day. That’s mean.

I think it’s you that owes him an apology.

All (or certainly most) kids go through phases including whining and he is only 5. So go easy on yourself, you haven't ruined him.

What I find helpful is to be very clear and consistent about the boundary with lots of advance reinforcement. Eg "we are going to the shop but we will not be buying a toy". He will forget and ask for a toy anyway but you calmly remind "no we won't be buying a toy", "I said no, I'm not buying a toy". Keep the no really calm, repetitive and boring, rather than escalating him and providing negative attention by chastising him for repeatedly asking / whining (even though it is REALLY annoying). Above all, be consistent don't follow "no" with "actually yes".

The second thing I've found massively helpful for dealing with the massive emotional fallout of "No" is to really connect and empathise with the feeling, by verbalising it back to them, in a way that can really feel quite unnatural. I didn't believe this would really work until I tried it. Eg "I can tell you are feeling so angry right now because you really want a toy and I said no" and even "you wish you could have 10 new toys a day! Or 100 new toys!" - I would have thought this would wind anyone up but since I tried it it really works with my kids. We talk about what they WISH they could have and that seems to satisfy something that makes them not whine so much about not getting it.

I used to take a photo of stuff dd loved and say we'd think about adding it to the Christmas list. We'd look through them together later and decide what she actually wanted during a calm day (and after deleting ones I didn't want due to size/money...)

Honestly, he's 5. I struggle with this sometimes with DD1, same age, but it's more to do with my unrealistic expectations of her understanding of things like monetary cost, time spent by me, etc. They just don't get it at this age. They are grateful in the sense that they enjoy what's going on, but they don't have the link that they should be grateful because it cost X money or because it's taken you X amount of time to do.

It's just being 5.

As others have said children don't understand the value of money. Do you say no to him on a regular basis?
I see other people saying it's your fault etc but honestly my 7 year old has went through this phase a few times. I don't think it's abnormal for them to have phases of pushing boundaries and asking for more. When he's going through a phase of constantly asking for things then I get stricter with saying no.
If for example we are in a shop and he asks for something and I agree and then he asks for a second thing- if I say no to the second thing and he starts acting up then he doesn't get the first thing either. Sometimes we go to a shop and if he's repeatedly asking can I have can I have i just keep saying no. He can keep asking i can keep saying no.
I have also tried teaching him the value of money when he asks for several things - I agreed to the thing that costs a tenner but these 2 things are a fiver each so you could choose the 2 things for a fiver each or the one thing for a tenner. We use this when he gets handed money for birthdays etc and he goes to the till with the tenner (or whatever amount) gets his change etc to try help with understanding value.
The most important thing is not giving in when he starts acting up

I don't think necessarily that's a sign of un gratefulness more that he's used to asking and then receiving. He sounds spoilt rather than ungrateful and that's a you problem

Ungrateful would be demanding and refusing to say please or thankyou in the most innocuous of situations - like asking for a snack or drink etc

Interesting, where do you go to for parenting classes?

This.

He's being a completely normal five year old. It's you who is being age inappropriate here. I agree approach your local children's centre for parenting classes.

New outfits every day ? Why ? I think the issues lie with you.

Well we all cant be as perfect as you I guess. Suggesting parenting classss is pretty offensive based on what ive written and asked advice for. Im guessing you're either not a parent or have the most perfect children in the world congratulations

Do you ever say no and then change your mind if he gets upset? It's key that when you say no, you mean no. Or do you not normally say no and let him have whatever he wants? Try to stay calm and explain in a simple way why you're saying no. Then don't worry if he kicks off, just stay calm and wait it out or carry on. Explaining why you're saying no can sometimes really help though.

The other thing you can do is be clear beforehand about what he can expect. 'We're going to x but we won't be buying any toys today because it's nearly Christmas and you'll be getting lots then,' 'we're going to the supermarket but we won't be getting any sweets today because you had lots of sweets lately and they're bad for your teeth,' etc

Why would he have a new outfit every day? That sounds like an incredible waste of money and clothes. He really shouldn't give two hoots about what he's wearing at 5 years old.

Remember if this behaviour is from you spoiling him then it's up to you to learn from that and to rein it in to reasonable levels now.

I've noticed a real trend with parents that they don't know how to just be with their children so they throw money at them and think that shows love. Getting a cardboard box and making it into something, going on a walk for sticks then making a hot chocolate at home, getting down on the floor and playing all cost nothing or little. Children don't need loads of money and things so get out of the habit now.

One friend of mine literally took their child to every event going, bought them everything and when Covid hit the parent couldn't cope because their parenting always involved a lot of spending and events.