5 year old is so spoiled and ungrateful, feel so upset

[Sandragreen23]

I've always tried to do my best for my DS, groups, clubs, new outfits everyday he is out at the park softplay, meeting friends. Recently Ive just felt he is so spoilt and his attitude around getting new things is terrible, I cant go to the shops without him constantly asking for things then having a strop when I say no. With Christmas things have gotten worse, he just constantly asking for new things and to be taken out all the time. Today I've spent a lot of money taking him out to the panto, buying him a light up wand, then out to the xmas market afterwards for food and a ride on the carousel yet right after we went into a shop and he's lifting everything repeatedly asking me can he had this and why not when I say no. I feel at breaking point, I lost my temper and told him he'd ruined the day by being spoilt (keeping in mind id told him about ten times to stop asking for new toys and he just kept doing it) am I being unrealistic or is there anything I can do because im feeling so upset with everything now

I think you just have to set the expectations before you go out. Tbf we are similar, she does a lot of experiences but she doesn’t care much for toys so it’s not been a massive issue but we have had to put our foot down. They all whinge a bit though. It’s not a massive problem just draw some really strong boundaries around it

He doesn't get new outfits every day! The every day is talking about the going to park/soft play bit.

Well he didn't spoil himself!

He's 5 and still learning impulse control; of course, he wants things—you should see me in IKEA (I obviously can't buy what I want though!). You'll need to start saying no and sticking to it. Can you use GoHenry to help him learn the value of money? We use this for basic tasks such as making his bed, self-care, tidying rooms, etc., and for more responsibility as they ages. It's a good way to earn pocket money for treats rather than just getting what they want.

Ah god I remember my 2nd son being just the same. He’d point blank refuse breakfast but then as soon as we were shopping he’d start sobbing he was hungry. Made me feel awful, especially the looks we got.
I can only speak from my own experience but I would turn tail and go home whenever he won’t take no for an answer.
Yes he’ll kick off but he’ll soon understand that ‘askers never get’ in the words of my late mum.

It’s quite easily fixed by modifying your actions, as pp have suggested.

Don’t lay emotional crap on him though like ‘you’ve ruined the day.’ That’s unfair and inappropriate. He’s the product of your parenting. You can change things round.

Agree with setting out expectations where you can about not buying things.

Other than that remember less is more with small children. Could all these things you're doing with him being whipping him up into a kind of frenzied over excitement? It's easy to do that with small kids around Christmas, I can remember getting into that sort of state myself and then nothing you get feels good enough because you're in such a state of excitement so you kick off.

Another thing you can do is take a photo of the thing he likes, tell him you aren't buying it today but will take a photo for birthday / Christmas time. This has the benefit of being a "Not yet" rather than a "No" and start teaching some delayed gratification, then when it comes to gift giving time of year you can review the items together or just pick one or two off the list.

It is also a good time to give pocket money and to teach about "fun money" which is for the things we want, not the things we need and sometimes we have to save up for the things we want. I follow the recommendations for children in care as a guide which says pocket money shouldn't be attached to chores and at ages 5-11 £5 a week is the going rate. Give it as physical cash rather than a GOHenry account so that he gets used to understanding the concept of money and spending.

He's had five years of you buying everything , it's all he knows. In his head you are moving the goalposts. He's not being defiant or spoilt, You chose to spoil him

You’ve had some good advice so far and I agree the parenting lessons may be a good idea to get a well rounded view.

I think the main things to take from it though is that he’s only 5, he doesn’t know yet what money is, how much things cost, where it comes from etc and he’s used to getting what he wants when he wants it.

Things like new clothes for example, one of my nephew’s got a beautiful and expensive designer coat for his birthday from his gran, it’s beautiful and she was really excited to see him in it, thought it was a lovely gift and it absolutely is lovely, but you know what coat he wanted to wear that afternoon? His 12 month old, ripped at the sleeve cartoon coat, it’s comfy and it has his favourite character on the front pocket. That’s not him being ungrateful or spoilt, he just doesn’t see the value in the £250 coat because he has no concept of money, he’s 4, he likes the one he has.

And when you have set a precent that ask = get, why wouldn’t he keep asking? If there was a cash machine that gave you a free £10 note every time you pressed the green button, you would keep pressing it. Free money that you didn’t have to work for? Great! If there was a coffee shop that gave you a free coffee every day, you’d keep going back to that one. That’s what this is for him, he doesn’t have any concept of money or spending, to him the transaction is as simple as “I want that, I ask for that, I get that”, you have to break that cycle.

Thank you, he doesn't get new clothes everyday, when I wrote that I meant he gets new clothes, And Everyday he is out at the park etc

I agree. He's not ungrateful. He's just very little and doesn't understand how things work yet. Also, by the sound of it he's had a day when he got treats one after the other and so he's testing where "yes" ends and "no" starts. Don't judge him.

Totally agree with this

This did remind me of the year DD got a birthday card with £40 of £5 notes in from my siblings and a couple of sparkly sticker sheets. She literally threw the money on the floor but was thrilled with the stickers.

It sounds like these things are becoming more normal every day occurrences instead of treats. Does he do everyday errands with you like food shopping, post office, getting a pint of milk etc or is he only there for outings? I do mean this kindly but do you ever say no or is he used to you saying yes? Or do you give in if he goes on at you? I agree with what others say, set the scene and stick with it.

I think this is important enough to bear repeating, and also signals something about how (as another PP said) a lot of what you were doing today was for you, really, and not for him. I'm sure you thought he'd enjoy it etc, but there's something here about what you want to get out of it (a warm glow from a particular reaction) and an almost vindictive response to you not getting it (when he behaves in a very five-year-old-just-before-Christmasish way). I think all this could do with some reflection on your part.
Edit for typo

Modern parents seem to feel they have to entertain their children constantly. Kids no longer "just play". They are either being whizzed off to a club or soft play or a Winter Wonderland extravaganza. They are not taught, or expected, to use their imaginations for a single second and parents are (for some inexplicable reason) riddled with guilt if they aren't "making memories" - god I hate that expression. Is it any wonder children value nothing? Parents are sadly setting their children up for a rude awakening in adulthood.

Also it is a good thing really that he takes nice experiences for granted. That is his normal. It comes as a bit of a shock to them when they realise other children don't experience the same as them both when they have the nicer experiences or the less nice.

My DD takes living in a calm, quiet pleasant household as the norm, where there is no shouting or swearing as it's just the two of us and we got on great. We had new neighbours move in who are regularly abusive to each other and their children and overhearing that was quite a shock and she actually thanked me for the environment we had previously enjoyed. Similarly now she's in her late teens and learning about nepotism etc and life not always being about how hard you work but about who you know was equally a shock.

Do you buy him a treat of some sort every time you go out? I know a bratty child whose mum bought him a new toy every time they went shopping so his expectations became ridiculous and unmanageable. You really don't want to get to that stage.

Limit the amount of treats you give him on one outing. So today would have been panto trip and a ride on the carousel. No other extras other than actual food. Once he gets used to a more restricted treat menu being the norm, he'll learn to be more grateful when he does get a treat.

My oldest two are grown up and really sensible with their money and my teen is also following in their footsteps.

Start by googling. Ask your ds's school. You could also do some reading. There are loads of books and resources available. Back when my dc were little there were no computers or internet. My HV recommended books. I went to the library and asked. I know libraries are mostly closed these days, but there are so many resources online. This board is good if you search/ ask.

I never asked for stuff as a kid because my parents had no money and asking for things upset them. I'm much better off financially than my parents and my kid has had a different childhood. She's not as grateful for stuff as I was because she hasn't been raised to expect not to get anything. But then she doesn't get even a quarter of what she asks for and I don't mind saying "no" as many times as I need to for the stuff I have decided not to get for her.

It might be worth thinking about what's so unbearable for you about saying no that you need him just not to ask for stuff?

'new outfits every day'... do you just not know how to use a washing machine?

You're fault op for not saying NO more often.

Op asks for advice

gets it

hates it

Shuts down

OP clarified that upthread. It could have been punctuated better, but I think it's obvious she didn't actually mean that.