5 year old is so spoiled and ungrateful, feel so upset

[Sandragreen23]

I've always tried to do my best for my DS, groups, clubs, new outfits everyday he is out at the park softplay, meeting friends. Recently Ive just felt he is so spoilt and his attitude around getting new things is terrible, I cant go to the shops without him constantly asking for things then having a strop when I say no. With Christmas things have gotten worse, he just constantly asking for new things and to be taken out all the time. Today I've spent a lot of money taking him out to the panto, buying him a light up wand, then out to the xmas market afterwards for food and a ride on the carousel yet right after we went into a shop and he's lifting everything repeatedly asking me can he had this and why not when I say no. I feel at breaking point, I lost my temper and told him he'd ruined the day by being spoilt (keeping in mind id told him about ten times to stop asking for new toys and he just kept doing it) am I being unrealistic or is there anything I can do because im feeling so upset with everything now

Well said.

I disagree with people saying that 5 year olds don't understand the value of money. I have a 6 year old who is an only child and is spoiled to a certain extent in terms of the activities she does and with her toys etc.

But she knows better than to pester me when in a shop as I've always told her that things are expensive and I won't be buying things for the sake of it.

I will also talk about my childhood with her and get her to realise how lucky she is to do all her activities and have what she has.

We also make sure to pass on her old toys to charity shops etc and discuss how some people are not as lucky as her.

But they don't understand it innately - they need to be taught it. Money is a complete artifice after all so kids aren't born understanding it! And if the OP hasn't taught her child the value of money then her child won't have a clue.

This

I tend to smile, say something about how great it looks and then add it to the Christmas/birthday list with him which is on my phone. I’ve been doing this since my son was about 3 and he is 5 now and most of the time he asks for toys to go
on his list rather than ‘can I have this now’ which I hate.

He gets a moment of attention from me and we can then
mainly move on.

Go cold turkey on buying stuff when out. So when you pass a gift shop, fly through saying ‘we don’t just spend for the sake of spending’. Repeat each time, with ‘I’m not changing my mind’ - then never do. Once in a blue moon buy them something and hopefully they will be surprised and grateful.

I would say that my kids are quite appreciative but I’m not sure most 5 year olds really appreciate that something like a panto is a treat. It’s an effort to sit through at this age (I’m not saying don’t take them, more that I would see this an an enriching experience rather than a mega treat they’ll be very grateful for!)

@Sandragreen23
Your title says it all. He's spoiled. By you. Stop doing it.

Sounds like he needs some chill time at home just to be bored and play with what you have. Tell him in advance before heading out the essentials you will be buying ( he can write the list). Also tell him, if he sees anything he likes to put it on his wish list. Explain to him things cost money and are expensive. He will only be given things on special occasions. Tell him if he throws a tantrum there will be consequences, let him know in advance what the consequence will be

I was mortified by my dc when they were 5. I could t understand why he couldn’t be grateful. He suddenly started showing some gratitude around 8/9 I think and now age 12 he’s so good at being grateful, understanding if something is too much money, suggesting a cheaper option, being happy with clothes from Vinted. I honestly think 5 is just really young to show gratitude off their own back. They can parrot please/thank you but the real meaning of it doesn’t come through (for most children at least) till later.

Who the hell do you think spoilt him!? It's not his fault!

Fab idea!

@Sandragreen23 in the nicest possible way, don't ever expect your own DC to be grateful.

What you provide in terms of going out buying stuff whilst out and getting toys wherever possible is normal for your DC, because that is, what you have always done.

Christmas is the perfect time to change things... oh you want this car? Let's put it on your Santa wish list.

No DC, you can't have this magic wand, you already have one at home...
Obviously, pick your battles, but get started ASAP. Smile through the tantrum and be prepared to leave any venue early!

Honestly, I have been there with my DS. I was the lady with the screaming child in the shopping trolley while doing the food shop.

Just remember those Penguin of Madagascar: Smile and wave, boys smile and wave

I think people are being rather harsh on the OP. We don't know whether she normally gives in lot / overly spoils her son - you can't make those assumptions just from the information she's given.

Some kids are just quite obsessed with getting stuff! My 7 year old is much more obsessed with new toys than his little brother. He continually asks for things in shops, even though he nearly always gets a no from me (though Dad is more of a soft touch!) I agree with the poster above who said to keep the refusals boring and unemotional. 'No - add it to your Christmas/ birthday list' is my stock response, and then try and get him out of the shop as quick as possible!

I think he's just learned to expect lots of new things, I'd go cold turkey and say no a LOT more. Just say 'I don't have enough money for xyz, we can do this or this.'

If you find it annoys you try to remember that it's a bad habit you've both got into and it's not really his fault he expects lots of new things all the time.

Live and learn :)! It's no big deal hell get over it once you reign it in.

You pay for clubs, activities, days out and toys - probably the majority of the time it's something he's asked for/to go and you oblige. He knows no different!! This is how it's always been. He asks, you pay! You are now seeing that all the things you pay for, are being taken for granted, are now expected and aren't appreciated. Of course he's now throwing a strop because he can't have what he wants or do what he wants. He's not used to the word 'no'!! You need to start being consistent. If he asks, you tell him, 'no you can't have X, Mummy doesn't have the money to pay for it'. Or ''no, you can't go to X, that's a treat, and Mummy doesn't have the money'. If you don't teach him the value of money, he will continue to just expect things. If he throws a complete strop, take him straight home. He will soon learn that 'no' means 'no'. Consistency is the key, being firm and following through with any punishments.

Panto, magic wand, Christmas fair AND a carousel ride...... way, way too much in one day.

He needs to get used to appreciating quiet time, doing things with you that do not require money. Reading a book together, playing a game, doing some artwork or plaster cast animals, going for a walk along the river or a forest or a park, watching ducks/pigeons/squirrels...

And talking, having conversations, finding out what he is thinking, teaching him new words, ideas, explaining how things work.

Instead of lots of mostly passive entertainment.

He's five, it's a parenting issue and stop taking him around the shops

New clothes is more you than him. Clothes are a necessity and they could be brand new or secondhand. It’s up to you how you buy them. My three year old sometimes gets a treat, sometimes doesn’t. We put restrictions around a treat, so it can be a small toy, etc. They’ve even pointed to things and said, ‘not that one, that’s too big’. You’re the one enabling this, so you need to control it. There is nothing wrong with treating him, just don’t do it every day as then it’s not a treat.

Do not suddenly start physically rewarding good behaviour that he already shows, it destroys intrinsic motivation.

I am so surprised by these responses.
He is 5 years old - he should be greatfull if he gets a new toy and he should not have a tantrum if not.

Yes, they don't have a concept of money, but they should understand that you are the one who decides what they can and can not have.

If you all think it's normal for a 5 years old to freak out when they don't get something and don't appreciate it when they do, I am terrified what kind of adults they all will be.

Op, you clearly spoiled your child. Start working on it - he needs to have consequences: they have a tantrum in a shop - fine, you won't take them again.
If you always give in, you can't be surprised if he acts this way.

Asking for advice and acting spoiled and ungrateful when you get it.

Apple - tree.

Try spreading the treats out over a few days or a couple of trips, that's quite a lot in one day and as you say, costs a lot too. Maybe give him some money in a purse to spend so he has to ration it and learns that is no more once it's gone. At this age they don't realise that rides etc cost money but I do agree it's infuriating when they whinge after you've put lots of effort into doing stuff with them.

Stop this approach before it becomes out of control. Buying him tonnes of stuff and taking him on expensive days out doesn’t make you a good Mum. What children need more than money/stuff is genuine love and connection. Rather than take him on expensive days out and get stressed about buying him stuff, sit in your house with him for a couple of hours - play with the toys he has, build a blanket fort, tell him stories, bake cakes, take him to the park (free) and listen to him, help him play on the slide, roll on the grass with him. The more you connect and the more he feels like his ‘cup’ is full, the less you’ll both care about buying needless stuff. Teach him the value of money - when he asks for something, be firm and say eg. “we aren’t buying an icecream today because we have some at home in the freezer, when we get home, why don’t you help me scoop it into the bowl?”. If he picks up a toy in a shop and kicks off demanding it, let him crack on. Tell him “we are not buying this today - you have a lots of great toys at home and Santa is coming soon”. If he wants to kick and scream, let him go for it - it won’t last for long, no one else cares that your kid is screaming and he’ll learn a valuable lesson. Help him look at the toys he has and identify which ones he doesn’t play with or like, or has grown out of. Bag them up and take him with you to the charity shop - explain to him that there are children with no toys and no days out and how kind it is to share. You’re “killing him with kindness” at the moment and setting him up to become a teenager/young adult who expects to get everything he wants. When he’s earning his own money independent of you, how will he fund a lifestyle where he expects to get everything he wants. Teaching him delayed gratification and to be responsible will help him 100x more in life than constantly showering him with stuff he doesn’t need. If you are on social media I would also unfollow influencers who are constantly spending a tonne of money on their kids because it’ll make you feel inferior, but you aren’t. No kid looks back on their childhood and said “Mum was amazing - she always bought me the most expensive slush puppy” or “I remember Christmas 2024 when Mum bought me blah blah blah*. He’ll say things like “my Mum always went on the climbing frame with me at the park”, “Mum made me picnic lunch in a blanket fort when it was raining one day”. Honestly I feel for you but this one is totally in your control.

P