Screen time hell with a 3yo - help please

[overthinker345]

My 3 yo goes to nursery five days a week as I work full time, and has gone since she was 12 months and loves it. It’s a small homely setting and they do lots of lovely activities throughout the day and spend a lot of time playing outside too.

in light of the above, we’ve always allowed some tv in the morning whilst she has her milk and in the evenings when she gets back, totalling about an hour and a half a day. A bit more over the weekend and when she’s unwell. Recently, she just wants excessive amounts and more and has started having mega tantrums when it’s time to leave or go to bed.

Tonight we had a 20 minute battle just to get upstairs as she was hysterical wanting more tv. It felt horrible her ending her dy this way… she did settle and enjoyed some books before sleep but it adds to the mum guilt. I try to gentle parent whilst setting boundaries eg. Tonight “sorry darling I know you want to watch more, but it’s late and it’s bedtime” etc and just wait for her to calm down before giving her a hug. Her dad has far less patience than I do though and I just want to know what people think is best to deal with this - if I do a hard ban on tv it seems a bit cruel given its how she winds down and I know it’ll be like an apocalypse 😬

any thoughts welcomed, Im bloody exhausted with the mental load between this and work!!!

My 3 year has started requesting specific YouTube videos, and he keeps bringing me the control to ‘change channel’. It’s driving me batty

I try to allow him some screen time and balance it with play, and sometimes it means just turning the tv off. He gets over it pretty quickly once distracted. Just don’t make a big deal over it, ignore.

Try a timer, or set a limit of 2 episodes. And just hold firm, she needs boundaries most of all.

Honestly, I'd say that's too much for a 3 year old and would drop the evening screen time altogether (or if you need time for a shower/workout or whatever then a strict 1 short program limit). Yes it will be brutal and miserable all round but it's the only way she's displaying all the signs of addiction which might sound dramatic but read up on it, it's really scary how easily they fall into it.
Ideally at this age they shouldn't be on screens at all but we all know reality is often different but I would look for other activities that engage her and try and make evenings after nursery a calm wind-down time: a short play before bathtime, a couple of stories together then lights out.

This is what I would do.

We have had v similar.

It worried me, tbh, when I realised dd was using screens to calm herself down. I really didn't want her to become dependent on screens to deal with difficult feelings. Also we have a general principle that if something starts causing regular tantrums, we don't do that thing anymore. So we had a new rule of no screens when upset, trying to use other strategies instead. We also try v hard to minimise her screen time generally - although sometimes you really do need the square au pair to get stuff done.

Ime kids tend to go epic tantrum at first when you have a new rule (important to discuss the rule ahead of time when child is feeling up to listening), at least partly to test out if you mean it. It doesn't take that long for a dc to accept a new rule if you're consistent with it. (God help you if dc think you don't really mean what you say)

I found with mine it was a stage, especially if they were too tired to do anything else. DD just started school is a bit welded to the iPad again as she is so tired from a day a school. It passes

I would say you need a new routine of absolutely no TV after nursery. Mornings ok, weekends ok, but no TV after nursery. You will all be happier aftee 2 weeks I believe. I know little about gentle parenting method. I got my parenting ideas from a book called New Toddler Taming by a famous paediatrician Dr Green. The book served me well. My boys are now teenagers and "Because Mum said so" still works.

TV in the morning is completely unnecessary. The first "reward" her brain is getting in the morning is TV - it sets the tone for the whole day.

Some TV after school/nursery can be fine. TV is easier to manage than ipad - kids tend to naturally play a bit with the TV in the background, rather than becoming completely absorbed in it. I would also not take requests, she can just watch whatever happens to be on (maybe the controller is lost/broken.....) - this leads to more natural break points (when something boring comes on!)

If you can see that your current screen time arrangement isn't working then have the confidence to make a change. I promise you - you're not being mean, don't take temporary toddler tantrums too seriously.

It's not how she winds down. It's TV, I'd cut it out altogether if it's causing issues, throw a blanket over the bugger and tell her it's broken.

When they're watching screens, their brains are being stimulated, but their bodies are still. This isn't a natural state for humans to be in. We are designed to either be busy, ie hunting and gathering, brain and body, or, sitting still and resting. Busy mind and still body, so computer games, tv, screens etc, isn't doable for some kids and she's showing you that she's one of them, for now.

I'd personally bite the bullet and take the short term pain, rather than letting it continue and causing ongoing upset. Build in something else, we used to draw, playdough, gently focusing on something with busy hands is good for unwinding.

Yeah, I think you’ll have to stop it altogether for a bit, then she can get the tantrum out of the way before leaving-the-house and going-to-bed time.

Sorry ☹️

I know it’s hard.

I agree with the ideas of setting clear boundaries beforehand (one episode or whatever) and being firm about them.

Also, it is definitely not cruel to not let her watch TV! So don't worry about that.

What is she watching in the evening? Just do the CBeebies bedtime hour and put her to bed when the channel goes to bed
CBeebies is really for 4 years + as is a U movie, 3 year olds really aren't meant to watch it although obviously they do

Personally though I'd just stop altogether and just keep it for when she's ill. It would be better to find a different way to wind down.

I'd stop the evening tv. I think it's too stimulating for small children before bed. Have you got Alexa? You could add audible and play stories on that or buy a Tonie box.

3 year olds need zero screen time. Replace with reading with you, helping with cooking or chores, drawing / colouring, imaginative play, or playing with puzzle type toys or an indoor ball.

Tbh I think you need to go cold turkey. 1.5 hours a day is a lot. When do you get to spend any time interacting with each other?

I don’t mean that in a snarky way, I work full time too with 2 kids in nursery so I get it but you could have so much to gain from interacting more, looking at books, encouraging independent play or allowing her to have times with less stimulation.

I would cut it out completely for a few months. When she’s re-set and found other things to do/entertain herself with slowly introduce it back in with sensible limits. Probably starting with weekends rather than it being an every day thing.

I would drop the evening tv. She's tired after a busy day and will be struggling to regulate because of that. Give her a pile of books or put on an audio story. It might be difficult to start with, but say that the tv is not working or 'lose' the remote. Once she has got used to not having it she'll find other things to do - my daugher liked playing with her dolls house while listening to a story, or playing with playdough in the kitchen with me.

At three wind down shouldn’t be Tv . Tv is a stimulant .
so activities like colouring / books , look up a book baby yoga /

definitely new routine . Independent play is really important skill

in light of the above, we’ve always allowed some tv in the morning whilst she has her milk and in the evenings when she gets back, totalling about an hour and a half a day.

Look, I have no issue with TV, screen time, whatever. But I cannot possibly fathom how BECAUSE she is away from you full time and in nursery that's a reason for screen time.

Cut the morning completely. Cut the evening completely. Move it to stories and playing.

Move it to when unwell and weekends when you have jobs to do

An hour and a half a day is a huge amount, especially at that age. How long is she at home Mon to Fri and what % of that time are your interacting with her verus watching TV.

Like previous poster I would be tempted to go cold turkey as a reset.

Drop the tv and if you're able to I would recommend getting a Tonie box . It's a great way for them to relax with stories but without the constant screen time

I didn't have time for tv before and after nursery when mine were 3. It must be a short nursery day?

1.5H is too much at 3. Just stop it. She would be just as happy playing with toys and reading. Nursery is quite stimulating so extra stimulation from the TV is probably leading to over tiredness and hence tantrums. Once you cut down she will calm down.

Is she watching favourite shows only? We found “live” CBeebies better before bed as it goes through a natural winding down sequence towards bedtime. Watching multiple favourite show episodes doesn’t have that same sense of the passing of time.

I would really recommend Libby. Like Audible but free as its via your library.

Some libraries use different services. Ours uses Borrow Box. I haven’t used it for ages. Thanks for the reminder.

Is she watching it on the tv or a tablet?

You might find cold turkey is easier. We did and it’s loads better.

I find ‘no’ easier than a small amount. They can be watch a bit of live Cbeeebies on the actual television but they’re able to switch that off without fuss.