Screen time hell with a 3yo - help please

[overthinker345]

My 3 yo goes to nursery five days a week as I work full time, and has gone since she was 12 months and loves it. It’s a small homely setting and they do lots of lovely activities throughout the day and spend a lot of time playing outside too.

in light of the above, we’ve always allowed some tv in the morning whilst she has her milk and in the evenings when she gets back, totalling about an hour and a half a day. A bit more over the weekend and when she’s unwell. Recently, she just wants excessive amounts and more and has started having mega tantrums when it’s time to leave or go to bed.

Tonight we had a 20 minute battle just to get upstairs as she was hysterical wanting more tv. It felt horrible her ending her dy this way… she did settle and enjoyed some books before sleep but it adds to the mum guilt. I try to gentle parent whilst setting boundaries eg. Tonight “sorry darling I know you want to watch more, but it’s late and it’s bedtime” etc and just wait for her to calm down before giving her a hug. Her dad has far less patience than I do though and I just want to know what people think is best to deal with this - if I do a hard ban on tv it seems a bit cruel given its how she winds down and I know it’ll be like an apocalypse 😬

any thoughts welcomed, Im bloody exhausted with the mental load between this and work!!!

No judgement here OP. I went through similar with my 3 year old. He's just turned 4. We went cold turkey which was painful for about a week but then he stopped asking for it. We now stick to Movie night on Fridays and some Cbeebies on a weekend. He understands days of the week so he knows he won't get tv on certain days. When we have had alot on personally and have let him watch more TV he has had terrible tantrums and it just wasn't worth it so we try to stick to Friday movie night and weekend some TV.
You could get a yoto player, that had helped a bit.

This is a nice idea but at what point are you supposed to get anything done? Mornings are utter chaos in our house and I will absolutely give my dd the iPad for half an hour if it means I can get ready for work.

Same with housework and other necessities. We can't play with them constantly. Dd will play happily by herself for a period of time which I'd always prefer and I will set her up with crayons and play dough etc. But if she has the iPad for a little while it's not the end of the world imo.

Op your child is doing loads of educational activities, socialising and playing at nursery. I wouldn't worry unduly and I also wouldn't post about screen time on MN because generally you get a load of judgement and not much help.

Screen is ideally none before 2 and then an hour a day max after two.

If your dd is at nursery from before 8am until after 6 pm though she'd be much better off having time with you. There can't be an awful lot of time left that she's awake surely? I would definitely drop the morning slot. No child needs screen time before 8am!

I think without really realising it you've found that life is much easier if you put your dd in front a screen as you're exhausted and then you don't have to talk or do anything with her. I really don't think what you've been doing is really terrible - but I think you're lying to yourself when you say that it's to help dd wind down.

I’m just sat here confused. My kids watched plenty of tv. I’m a background noise type of person. What is the point of putting a three year old through cold turkey? (😂)

Can I ask how you are managing the transition of turning the TV off? Are you keeping it to just one programme or are you turning off mid-programme? How does it happen?

Depends on the kid. Like I said, my youngest is fine with it never going off (or never going on) but my eldest is an absolute mess when it has to go off, especially during the week when she's tired. Weekends are mostly ok. Sounds like OP has one like my eldest.

My best "time buyer" (as we also avoid putting the TV on, as it turns into "just one moooooore") is a box I keep just for certain times. Like if I need to shower and dh isn't around. Instead of putting on the TV, I bring out the box.

So my advice would be hit up the charity shops, buy any random crap (toys, books, random small boxes/ tubs, anything that looks like it'll keep her occupied (cheap notebooks and diaries often in charity shops), and shove them in the box, and let her just explore and tinker around with it.

The good thing about charity shop stuff is that I'm not precious about it getting damaged or used for the "wrong" purpose. If she wants to rip up the notebook and use it to make bedding in a small box for a plastic hamster then great! 50p was worth it! Also you can swap it out relatively regularly if needed, as things get used up or if she starts getting bored. I genuinely go for the cheapest bits, like small plastic animals from the "10p each" box etc.

If you can do this as part of the "end of TV" she might notice less that she's not watching. Something distracting that she can play around exploring until bedtime routine starts, or until you have the time to engage her again. You definitely need something to give yourself some time though - don't feel like you have to be her full time entertainment!

I’m a SAHM and had to make a decision to go very very low screentime otherwise I felt it was too easy to get into a bad habit.

I’d stop it completely and get into a routine of being in another room so she’s not near the TV to even think about it after a while if that makes sense? It’s harder when it’s cold but in the evenings we all hang out in our kitchen/dining room while we’re cooking and have our 3 year old help, then we might read books in there after we’ve all had dinner or go upstairs to have a bath or read some books/play in her bedroom. Once you get into a new routine it’s much easier!

She only wants to watch a particular programme which she loves. I usually tell her after whatever episode she’s on it’s going off. Regardless of how long this is she’s having meltdowns now. So I think the majority comments on here regarding cold turkey make sense. I just feel mean / draconian.

How do you think families who don’t allow screens manage to get ready or get anything done? People managed it for generations! We both work full time and are exceptionally low screen - DSD has approx 2 hours a week age 9. At age 3 we would give her crayons and paper, toy figures, story books, colouring books, stickers, etc and she’d amuse herself. Kids who have never had it don’t want it or even realise it’s an option. Avoids all the meltdowns that happen because their brains that aren’t designed to cope with it yet are craving it. There’s a ton of research out there about the damage it does.

Is it TV as in CBeebies?

Or “TV” as in YouTube which is actually social media?

If the latter, I’d quit it immediately and make sure the only thing she sees is the BBC content which at least has some quality assurance. And as others, put your foot down, teach her “no” means “no”. You’ll be glad you did a few years hence when you’re trying to manage her smartphone use!

Consciously train her to calm down and focus on playing. It’s a skill children need. Immersed in small world toys etc. At that age she should be able to focus on playing for 20-30 minutes. Work on this. It’ll also do wonders for her attention span and focus in later years through to adulthood.

Use cebbies set up to your advantage, you can put night garden on then it makes it very clear its bed time, tv finishes when you want it to these days, cebebbies is beautifully set up to help you, never deviate from cebebbies. For us, when iggle piggle goes to bed, everyone goes to bed! I think screen time is good in its place and depending on what it is - most cebbebies is brilliant, but if causing an issue change the routine to what you want, will only be a few days and then thats the way things are. If you have trouble with turning it off in the evening nothing better than the natural cebbies end, if trouble in the morning you need to either have no tv and before you go to bed set up a cool toy set up on rotation for exciting morning play which is easily done, or allow tv but give warning & stick to same every day routine (after octonaughts tv finishes for example, whenever fits with your timings and remind with warnings) routine is they key and consitiency then its fine. You are the boss of tv, use it when you need it (when unwell defo useful!).

Your 3yo is out of the house from 8_6 and manages 1.5 hours of TV on top. When do you speak to her? Isn't she in bed at 7ish and sleeping til 7ish. That's about an hour of non nursery or tv time per day.

I think I’m a bit old school compared to my friends. While I do acknowledge their feelings and talk calming, I would have also said because of your behaviour you no long get TV tomorrow. When it gets to tomorrow i would say and remind them they no longer get TV time as their behaviour wasn’t very nice yesterday. If they are well behaved today they can watch TV tomorrow.

OP you’re clearly a busy working mum doing your best, and you obviously care because otherwise you wouldn’t be asking! So I feel the pile on was a bit unfair. I’m sure there are plenty of parents plonking their kids in front of the TV for longer and not even thinking about it, so please don’t beat yourself up about it.

Could you try a sand timer? I think time is quite a hard concept at that age, so even if you warn them how long they have for watching TV, it’s meaningless. With a timer you can set the boundary beforehand saying you have X mins for TV, then when the timer runs out we’re doing Y. Something visual would help show her the passage of time and sometimes it’s easier if an inanimate object is the one to “blame” instead of yourself!

But you do need to hold firm when it’s time to turn off and say if there is any screaming we won’t have any TV tomorrow - and follow through with it!

It helps if its not your fault - make your decision on what works for your family and make that the rule/routine, it will only be a few days till the norm - but make it not your rule - say - O tvs not on today what a shame! make it the tvs fault, 3 year ols get that better. But stick with it. Or make it on the family list if you decide that weekends we have tv, something tangible they can see to understand. Its not you, its the rule, and the reason why is.... we need to get ready for nursery, etc.

If you are having trouble getting ready without tv that can be easy changed with a change in routine - take them with you to help, put on dance music, musical bumps, sleeping bunnies, bean game etc etc, set up exciting toy set up night before etc, playdo, gymnastics practice, lots of options rather than tv, but tv is good when its good, cant go wrong with morning cebbies really, one bluey and you can be ready and bluey is amazing, just plan your morning to what works for you.

I've never allowed TV after dinner. I think switching off for food time helps as it's not immediately before bedtime. Then we go straight to get ready. If there is extra time we do long bedtime stories.

An hour and a half a day is way too much for a 3 year old. That's about a tenth of her waking time in front of the TV.

When my DC (then two) started having tantrums around the TV, we got rid of the TV. Honestly, I have never looked back. He used to watch TV at mealtimes and for half hour to unwind - but little children absolutely do not need TV to unwind. It was tricky for three days or so, then he got used to it. No more tantrums. At 4 years old we started to reintroduce very limited screen time - perhaps a family film like Frozen once a month, or the occasional episode of a show if he really wanted it. Totals under 5 hours of TV a month. Now DC is 6 and I have never regretted that decision.

PS my kids get plenty of screen time so zero judgement from me as fellow exhausted working mum.

I don’t know why alot of pps is saying yes tv in the morning, no tv after nursery, my kids are 14, 12,9,9(twins) and 10 months and i still have a no tv in the morning rule because they keep getting distracted and never get ready on time/ don’t tidy their rooms before school, forget to do things because they are rushing etc after school is better as it can keep them busy while you’re cooking dinner/ cleaning up after dinner etc xx

Screens are addictive - but not necessarily in the same bad way as other addictions.

I think it is important to put ourselves in the place of the child - they come back from nursery, they are tired, they need to chill while Mum or Dad cooks their tea, they are just in the middle of enjoying that and along comes a parent switching it off - I think we might be pissed off under those circumstances too!

Boundaries are good, but sometimes it helps a child to be involved in setting those boundaries - I know that sounds cock-eyed but being totally powerless is a trigger for a melt-down. So ..... a new routine. In from day care and a discussion - you can watch 2 programmes (or whatever you choose - but make it something she can manage at 3) and then we have to switch off ready for tea/bed. Which programmes do you think would be best to watch in that time? What would you like to choose?

That boundary needs to be fair and not too harsh for her. She is living in the 21st century and screens are part of the life she will be leading. This has to be factored in. The rule that plenty of warning is needed for the switch off is very important. Never in the middle of a programme - that is not fair. Give her notice - we are going to have to switch the TV off at the end of this programme - have you got the remote ready? - do you know which button for switching off? Can you do it by yourself? etc. etc.

It is important for children to have boundaries and to do as they are told when appropriate, but it has to be fair and not something that we ourselves would find hard. If we had to leave a programme we were enjoying then we might feel like having a tantrum, but because we are not 3 we do not do that - we find other ways of dealing with it because we have learned these. She needs time to get her head round this.

I was never averse to a bit of bribery to be honest to sweeten the pill - because it is a bitter pill to be torn away from something you are enjoying, whether it is a screen or something else.. "When the TV is off you can have your favourite biscuit piece of fruit/whatever before going to bed. Let's get it ready for when you have pressed the remote button."

Agree with PP - if she is in nursery from 8am-6pm you only have about 2 hours of awake time with her per day and she spends 1.5 hours of that in front of the tv??
I have a 2yo, 5yo and 8yo and they watch probably about 2-3 hours of tv per week! They play make believe and colour in and read stories and listen to music and do puzzles and Lego and dress up and dance. You don’t need to feel bad about it, it’s so easy to slip into bad habits, but I do think you should change it! Recognising behaviours and asking for advice and making changes which make your life harder (but are better for your kid) are all part of being a good mum - you’ve got this!

Just read how much your working! dont go cold turkey cebbies is fine! sit down and watch it with her and snuggle even! she'l soon be big enough for frozen which is epic. Choose your rule and make it the rule, switch off at same time every morning, snuggle with it when you can and always stick to good input shows like bluey, alphablocks, numberblocks etc, a world of difference between cebbeies and netflix so choose whats good and all will be ok.

Honestly? It's far, FAR easier not to switch it on in the first place, than to switch it off later.

Ask me how I know this

As a first step, you could still allow her some tv in the mornings, as you have a set routine and a clear "break" point (leaving the house to go to nursery); but in the evenings, your life will honestly be much easier (and hers will be better) if you just don't turn the tv on at all.

They do get bored of asking for it, and better at playing with whatever's available. Just stay strong.

It's not mean - the only person more unhappy than you during those meltdowns is her. You're not doing it for you, you're doing it for her.