Screen time hell with a 3yo - help please

[overthinker345]

My 3 yo goes to nursery five days a week as I work full time, and has gone since she was 12 months and loves it. It’s a small homely setting and they do lots of lovely activities throughout the day and spend a lot of time playing outside too.

in light of the above, we’ve always allowed some tv in the morning whilst she has her milk and in the evenings when she gets back, totalling about an hour and a half a day. A bit more over the weekend and when she’s unwell. Recently, she just wants excessive amounts and more and has started having mega tantrums when it’s time to leave or go to bed.

Tonight we had a 20 minute battle just to get upstairs as she was hysterical wanting more tv. It felt horrible her ending her dy this way… she did settle and enjoyed some books before sleep but it adds to the mum guilt. I try to gentle parent whilst setting boundaries eg. Tonight “sorry darling I know you want to watch more, but it’s late and it’s bedtime” etc and just wait for her to calm down before giving her a hug. Her dad has far less patience than I do though and I just want to know what people think is best to deal with this - if I do a hard ban on tv it seems a bit cruel given its how she winds down and I know it’ll be like an apocalypse 😬

any thoughts welcomed, Im bloody exhausted with the mental load between this and work!!!

This is probably a bit out there but I don’t think 3 year olds need any screen time. There is a reason that the most addictive things in society (alcohol, smoking, gambling etc) are age regulated. The instant dopamine hit from a screen, especially a “short” like YouTube videos, Reels, TikTok etc, is more than the developing brain can manage. There’s a lot of research done on it - children will want more and more as their brain becomes more attuned to that level of dopamine reception so they will crave it, like any addict. 1.5 hours a day is a lot - my DSD is 9 and gets approx 2 hours a week!

Thanks everyone… god I feel like a monster now. I really didn’t think it was a harmful amount she was exposed to and genuinely thought it was just part of her routine. Now I’m panicking about how much she’s watched during her short life 🥴 I truly hope this hasn’t caused any lasting problems.

cold turkey it is, I’m dreading tomorrow morning already 😂

This!!

Also - don’t apologise to your toddler for enforcing a household rule (bedtime). Bedtime is not negotiable. So no more ‘sorry darling’ - just gentle reminders if she ever does get to watch TV ‘okay 2 episodes of Bluey’ episode one ends ‘ok this is the last episode’ episode 2 ends ‘turn off the TV please’ - if she doesn’t turn the TV off, then there is no TV the next day.

op this is just the start of mum guilt seriously don't beat yourself up she'll be fine no long term damage I'm sure just nip it in the bud now you've recognised an issue.

I wouldn't be doing all the 'there, there darling' talk.

You need to be firm and then distract her with something else if she starts to kick off.

Goodness not a monster, just a habit you have said yourself you want to change.

What is the routine. You need to get ready clearly. Mine have to stay in bed and read or snuggle till clock thing changes. Groclock.

So then it's breakfast and out door. Would you have time to sit and watch telly in the morning? That how I try to see it.

And by read I mean look at a book

It does sound like a lot per day. Cutting it down seems sensible.

If cold turkey seems to tough for you, aim for distraction. So start by cutting evening down without using the word no.... nice positive upbeat voice "we're going to do X!" She asks for TV you say "sure! We're just going to play with playdough/doother exciting thing". Then you let her have 2 episodes or similar (whatever you ABSOLUTELY need to get dinner on the table) then (with a warning - "after the one we will...."). Be really upbeat and excited about the next thing without mentioning the lack of TV. It might be tiring for a few days but she'll soon adjust to having much less and then you can time down the activities so she's playing independently more if thats what you need.

It sounds like it's become a bit of a crutch. Are you generally struggling and feel desperate for the time? Is dad doing his fair share?

You probably can’t fathom it because you don’t walk in my shoes - I start work at 8, finish early at 6 and before and after that I have the nursery run, dinner to prepare whilst my husband does the bath and THEN I return to my laptop for an additional few hours. I spend all weekend planning lovely activities for her. And I engage in the evenings. She is just recently wanting more screen time. Hence why I turned to here for advice, not judgement.

There's nothing wrong with a 3 year old watching some telly. What matters is how your child is responding to it. My 3 year old watches about an hour, sometimes
more, of telly most days. We don't have TV so he requests programmes to stream and it's all fairly sedate shows like Postman Pat or Thomas The Tank Engine.

But he watches a bit then moves on to playing and doesn't get upset when he's told that it's time to switch the telly off. If your daughter is getting too hooked on it then it's maybe a good idea to reduce how much she watches it.

It may have nothing to do with tv though, and everything to do with just being 3. My son will still have a moan about it being bedtime whether he's watching a programme, playing with toys, or looking through his books. I let him have 10 more minutes of what he's doing as a warning and then bedtime means bedtime. She may just be exercising her new found autonomy and would be protesting no matter what she's doing in the moment.

We have one like this. She's six now but it's still the same - the peace from turning it on isn't worth the hassle of dealing with the reaction to turning it off.

We banned TV Monday-Friday and it does help. Every time we relax it (illness, one of us away etc) we regret it.

Cut yourself some slack. My young children have the TV on in the morning when we all snuggle of the sofa and watch Hey Duggee etc together. Then they play a bit, have breakfast, get dressed etc. Watch Numberbloks whilst I do hair. Then (shock horror) I also put it on about 4.30 when I’m cooking their dinner (no You Tube). But mine have no problem with it being turned off so I’ve never really thought of it as an issue. In your case, I’d give cold turkey a go and see if that helps.

My 3 year old (nearly 3 year old) has 1 hour a day of tv time when she gets home from nursery. To be honest some days not even that with dinner and bath before bed. Weekends far more but I have a 7 year old too so its inevitable. It also increases in winter and decreases in summer.
Dont beat yourself up about it and dont allow others to do it either. I think you are fairly restrained in the amount of tv time already.
Personally I find at this age they just fight again everything as they want to set their own rules. I had a 15 min tantrum and battle tonight because i changed my DD bedding because it needs washing!
We dont have tv in the mornings in the week though and weekends it doesnt go on before a certain time. I found dropping the morning tv times actually stopped evening arguments of turning it off.

I would ban it in the morning and one episode of CBeebies after nursery only.

I don't think it's harmful btw, MN can be a bit extreme about this stuff. But it doesn't sound like it's worth it.

In this situation it's really better to go cold turkey I'm afraid.

Over reliance on screens is a learned habit, take it away and replace with something else.

I guess I feel as I’m away most of the day, I don’t want her to see anything other than my nicest side @MellowYellow0000

Its very hard trying to find the balance.

At 3 you need to be really firm, also no TV a hour or so at least before bed, if you are struggling now then it will become so much harder as she gets older.

If you have a smart TV you can programme it to turn off at a certain time automatically, this way it might be less of a battle as your not the one to turn it off physically

i have a 3 year old. I stopped allowing tv in the morning as found that was the main battle ground. Hard to get them ready for bed or eating breakfast. Found that saying no and staying strong for a couple of days and then they stopped asking.

dc goes to nursery until 5 three days a week and honestly when he gets home he’s shattered so we do allow about 45 mins each night. Have found being very clear when it’s the last episode and sticking to our guns on that has helped and arguments are now minimal. When it’s the last episode, saying up front this is the last episode, towards the end reminding them it’s the last episode, at the end of of the episode saying ‘that’s the end of the last episode, now time to get ready for bed’

3 year olds aren’t meant to catch CBeebies? Since when? What about Teletubbies, the Baby Club etc. My 4 year old definitely is too old for those!

I just needs to be one programme and then it’s bed.
just remind her before the programme in a positive way.
Eg. Would you like to watch one xxx before we go to bed and have story? Sit with her for the last minutes and then it’s bed. It will become a habit.(a nice one)

You’ve absolutely hit the nail on the head @BarbaraHoward - the hassle of dealing with the reaction to turning it off isnt worth the upside and it’s too much to bear at the moment. We managed to stop the morning tv time briefly and then stupidly relaxed it and now it’s worse than ever!!

Going cold turkey may not be as bad as you fear! My twins are also 3 and one of them became like your daughter, he wanted it on all the time and would cry and scream if I wouldn't accommodate or when it was turned off. I decided cold turkey was the only way, it's been about 4 months now and it's been fine 😊 I honestly thought it would be a terrible drama but once he realised I meant business he gave up - I honestly didn't believe it would be so easy. I told him so much TV was bad for his brain and that's what he tells me now 😂 I can't lie that there aren't days when I want to put it on so I can make tea in peace without refereeing world war 3 but I know the trade off isn't worth it. Since the TV was ditched he also plays alot more rather than depending on the TV for stimulation. Be bold and be brave and you may be surprised how easy it is. Good luck xx

It's just the way some of them are. Our youngest is much more chill about just about everything!

Stopping it will be awful in the short term but she's young, she'll adapt quickly enough and you'll be glad you did it.

I went cold turkey. Just none. They can colour or put music on etc