Parents who have spent Christmas morning without your child is it horrendous?

[Tessasays]

My son is 9 and me and his dad split before be could crawl. I'm the primary parent. His dad sees him on Saturdays and has only recently started having him over night once a fortnight, he's just text me asking the plan for Christmas. For the first few years his dad would come round the morning and watch him open his presents stay an hour or two then go off and do his own thing, and my son would stay with me and do our thing. For the last 4 years I've had my son Christmas Eve, Christmas and he's gone to his dads from 11-4 then back home for dinner with us.

his dads just text me asked the plan for this year, I replied saying shall we do just what we usually do and he come to you for a few hours in the day. He's just replied asking if he could have the opportunity to have him overnight on Christmas Eve this year and I'll get him back on Christmas Day at a time that's not yet been arranged. I don't know how I feel about it. I've just said that I'll speak to our son when he's home from school and go from there. I have 2 younger daughters with my fiancee and it is gonna be rough not having him here. But at the same time I can't be selfish and say no because it's his dad at the end of the day, I am a bit upset though.

has anyone had a similar situation and is it totally shit? 💔

@Ponderingwindow so you just write a letter to Santa telling him that you will be celebrating on X date. Same as you might do if you are staying at relatives for Christmas instead of your own home. It really, truly is a non-issue providing the children know it will be happening. They can plan nice activities for their Non-Christmas Christmas day too so it's still something to look forward to.

Last year was my first. The kids were away for a whole week from Xmas Eve.

It was fine. Kept busy. Had Christmas dinner with a work colleague who would otherwise have been alone too. All good.

So no, not horrendous and no 💔 at all. A few 🍸 instead!

I routinely moved Christmas when my children were old enough to know and even then it was fine. It honestly was not a big deal. 2 and 4 year olds would not care.

But if people would rather fight and agonise and make a huge deal over one day then I guess that's their loss. I was perfectly happy to celebrate with my children a day early (or a day late) and consequently they didn't think it was awful either.

Plenty of parents can't celebrate on the day itself so they make it work however they can and guess what, their children are fine!

(Not directing that 'you' to anyone on this thread btw. Just the collective you. However think about how many adults have crappy Christmases every single year - or make them stressful and difficult for other people - because they never learnt to just chill about the day and that Christmas is a state of mind, not just doing everything to military routine on the one day)

I alternated with my ex from the get go. in fact we would do the absurd switch over on Christmas Day, much like you two are proposing. Frankly in the end it was just easier to alternate doing Christmas Eve through to Boxing Day each year I didn’t feel upset. It was what it was. You can work yourself up into a tizz about this or be pragmatic and that’s the way it needs to be. You’ve had it the way that suits you for a number of years, and maybe what is suited him. And now it is not unreasonable that that changes.

As far as I'm concerned these decisions should always be child centred. If your son had come to you begging to have Christmas at his dad's you should put your own feelings aside and let him. In this scenario, it'd be a no from me. Your son is clearly upset at the idea, will want to be with his primary carer and siblings and shouldn't have that taken away from him. The thought of it makes me sad. If his dad was able to go without seeing him for seven years (appalling) and still only sees him once every two weeks, I'm sure he'll manage not having him on one more day. Christmas matters to kids and I think some idea of 'fairness' to the adults shouldn't come into it.

Yes I do agree with that - there is no need to make him go if he doesn't want to.

(my advice is all geared to situations where it's the right time for the child to have that new experience or who are starting the arrangement from the beginning where it will just be the new normal for the children and both parents are coming from an equal position)

Just asked him if he's had a think about it yet, He said yeah I'll go to dads, we had a cuddle and that's that.

I won't lie I am gutted, it does feel slightly like his dad couldn't be arsed to be a dad when he was young and it was harder work, and now he's older and is into football he all of a sudden wants to be a dad. Still dosnt pay for him of course, (just buys him birthday and Christmas presents) that would be taking it to far. It's just shit, I've been spending the last few months making a Christmas activity calender, I have so many Christmas activities and fun things planned and for what? He's not even gonna be here. It's shite but it's life.

Do it all anyway @Tessasays! Don't get sad and throw the whole thing out. Honestly re-work it a little and make it lovely anyway. I understand it's upsetting for you, of course it is. But take a leaf out of the Danes' approach to Christmas and make it a month-long thing! We call December the Christmas Month. Maybe start a new tradition of Advent: each Advent Sunday light a candle, make biscuits and do a special little activity. Something like that. The day itself doesn't matter as much when the whole month is special. 🎄🎄🎄

In Denmark you even give advent gifts...just one small thing each every Advent Sunday. You could do that too. And the best thing is it'll all be over before Christmas so you and he won't miss out on anything.

100pc! Do fun things on other days. Your DDs won't know or care

The not paying changes things in my eyes. Before, your description sounded like someone who'd made mistakes in the past but now was doing his best to be a good dad. But paying fuck all towards your child's needs is not being a good dad.

Does he actually want to go to his dad’s or is he agreeing to keep the peace? The tears in his eyes were quite a significant reaction. Poor lad.

You’ve handled it really well op but I think I would’ve told his dad to jog on. He doesn’t honour his responsibilities as a proper father so he can’t mess people… no, families, around and make demands now. I would’ve made the decision that things stay as they are (a bit like the financials) even if that made me the bad guy.

He's still the boy's dad though. And like it or not, it's good for him to get to know his dad and have a relationship with him.

You did what most mums in your situation do, @Tessasays - you did, and still do, all the difficult things to make life as good as possible for your child. That's something to be really proud of. Of course it's going to hurt that he gets to swan in for the fun stuff. But that's how it often goes, unfortunately.

Take heart in the knowledge that when your son grows up he'll know and understand what you did for him. 💐

I'd ask ds. He may prefer to be with his siblings on Christmas morning. My kids often spend Christmas eve with their dad and then come back for midday and it's all good. They get many rounds of present opening.

Someone sensible once said that just because we've always done it that way doesn't mean it can't be changed and I think it's important to keep that in mind.

I think you've done the correct thing asking your son. I would however consider asking your ex to return him mid/late morning on Christmas day, that way he can spend the majority of the day together with his siblings. It may not matter to them because of their ages they will be unaware of the actual date but your son will be It will be fine though and like others say you can do festive things in the run up to Christmas with them all. Just wanted to add you sound like a fantastic mum who has done the right thing in putting her feelings aside .

It's all arranged now, he's going 5pm on Christmas Eve and coming back 12pm on Christmas Day, so all is not lost, I've re-jigged his Christmas Eve box and swapped out the pjs for a nice new christmas Eve outfit and fluffy socks. I did have a few days where I felt like the Christmas spirit had been zapped from me, but it will be different hopefully not bad. 🤞🏻

@Tessasays Hope you're ok OP, this sort of thing can feel hard.

All those things you listed don’t matter, I know that sounds awful but I don’t mean to be but they’re not important, nice yes important no. They can all wear matching pjs Christmas Day night. Ask your son what he wants and how he feels about spending Christmas Eve with his dad and if he’s happy about it let him go and if he really doesn’t want to then another plan will have to be made. At the end of the day it’s your sons feelings that count here, not yours and not his dads

Ahh @Tessasays that looks and sounds fab. I'm glad you're feeling better about it! 🎄

Have you asked DS? It's fine honestly, I tended to volunteer Xmas eve with a homeless charity, and have a lovely, last breakfast

I think this year suggest he has him xmas night to boxing day say as less change .. then maybe swop next year...

For the people saying ‘just switch the day’, it isn’t that easy as OP has 2 other children.

I do understand that your ex might want a Christmas Eve/Christmas morning experience while your DS is still young. However, I also think it’s a bit unreasonable if he had never bothered before now.

I think the only way to sort something like this out is to let your DS decide. I would tell him that his dad would really like to have him stay at his this year, but it’s completely up to him and there’s no pressure. He can stay wherever he wants.
His dad can’t get upset if he chooses to stay with you because it’s what he’s used to. You also don’t need to get upset if he wants to stay at his dad’s because he maybe just wants the new experience so it will be a bit of a novelty.

OP has updated today.

Switching days with more than one child is perfectly easy and not a big deal at all. I've done it loads of times. Lots of people re-work things because they have to and it doesn't cause any issues.

However OP and her ex have already come up with a workable solution.