Parents who have spent Christmas morning without your child is it horrendous?

[Tessasays]

My son is 9 and me and his dad split before be could crawl. I'm the primary parent. His dad sees him on Saturdays and has only recently started having him over night once a fortnight, he's just text me asking the plan for Christmas. For the first few years his dad would come round the morning and watch him open his presents stay an hour or two then go off and do his own thing, and my son would stay with me and do our thing. For the last 4 years I've had my son Christmas Eve, Christmas and he's gone to his dads from 11-4 then back home for dinner with us.

his dads just text me asked the plan for this year, I replied saying shall we do just what we usually do and he come to you for a few hours in the day. He's just replied asking if he could have the opportunity to have him overnight on Christmas Eve this year and I'll get him back on Christmas Day at a time that's not yet been arranged. I don't know how I feel about it. I've just said that I'll speak to our son when he's home from school and go from there. I have 2 younger daughters with my fiancee and it is gonna be rough not having him here. But at the same time I can't be selfish and say no because it's his dad at the end of the day, I am a bit upset though.

has anyone had a similar situation and is it totally shit? 💔

I'm very much in my feelings at the moment, I won't let on to him that I don't like the idea. He's not home from school yet for me to ask him, my sisters bringing him today because my youngest has croup.

Of course, whatever my son wants is fine

This. My ex was a bastard but even he never asked for DC on Xmas Eve or Xmas day. He took Boxing Day and even though DC are now adults they still go to him on Boxing Day. He probably didn't want the expense of making their Xmas stockings or cooking their Xmas dinner. One Boxing Day he gave them all food poisoning once when they were young by not cooking turkey properly, then drove them back early because they were vomiting. Won't your DS want to be with his siblings at Xmas? You should ask him because it's what he wants that's important. It sounds like he's only recently started being a Dad to him.

I will be honest, the first one was horrendous, especially as I do not have any other children. It doesn't get much easier every other year either (i don't see my DD on Christmas Day every other year) BUT you do adapt. Boxing Day becomes your Christmas Day on those years and the children get two Christmases. As much as I HATE it, my daughter seeing her Dad on Christmas Day is more important sometimes than my pity party.... and it really is a pity party on those years😂

If your DS is getting a PS at his dad's, he's not going to want to leave it to come home for dinner. Can you suggest he has Christmas morning with you, then goes there in the afternoon and stays over, so he can enjoy playing with his PS on Boxing Day? Then look to swap next year, so DS is with his dad in the morning.

If they are 2 and 4 they'll likely have no idea what day Christmas Day should actually be on!

So either do it 23rd as Xmas Eve and 24th as Xmas day and then he goes to dads in evening. Or comes home 25th and you treat that as xmas Eve and Boxing Day as xmas day.

Then next year he's at yours and the following year they are old enough to understand and have it explained it's the way it is and you have 2 years to prepare for it!

The PlayStation is coming home to my house because he's here 6/7 days. That's already been discussed so that's not to much of an issue

It will be ok.

Your children will get used to it. As you say you've had the joy of it for 9 years so its only fair for his dad to have that too especially if he is making the effort for his child.

It's not unreasonable of him to ask.

If you ex has him he needs to make him a stocking and do a Xmas Eve box with PJ's in for him. Once he realises it's expensive he might change his mind. Don't just hand your ex all the things you've lovingly prepped for your DS. Do Xmas Eve a day early and Xmas day goes on into Boxing day in your house with some presents being opened on both days.

I think I would ask your son and give him the choice. If his Dad has been an inconsistent presence but now making a consistent effort, it may mean so much to your son that his Dad wants to do this with him. It would potentially be great for his emotional wellbeing. It is such a tough emotional place for you but I would actively not focus on those thought and focus on what little fabulous new things you can do if you go with this new approach this year. Personally I wouldn’t move Xmas day and would send him over with his Xmas eve box etc but that’s a personal choice.

It's fine. Different from yours in that I don't have a new relationship & other kids, so Christmas without dc is just me and my family. Like a pp, I get to have a drink and do other stuff I couldn't with kids. And when they come back it's still only a day or two into Christmas so loads of time to celebrate together. It's different from Christmas Day all together, but not bad.

We used to do half the day each, but when dc got older they said they didn't enjoy that and would prefer to stay in one place. Then we went to alternate years, but dc have now decided they want to be with me every Christmas Day. Which is nice, obviously, but involves difficult conversations with ex-h, because they really don't like going to his but don't want to upset him by being honest.

It's fine. You just have a different vibe when they're not there. I'm surprised you don't take it in turns for Christmas, that seems the fairest way to do it.

Why would she take turns though when he usually sees his son once a week and has only started taking him 2 for overnights twice a month at the age of 9?

You don't get to do 10% of the parenting but still get half of the fun bits.

I've just spoken to my son, he looked like he was going to cry and said he's not sure because he dosnt get good sleep at his dads and he dosnt want to not sleep on Christmas, but he's said he will think about and decide tommorow

Why would you make the son suffer just to get at his dad? Fwiw, I don't think it makes much of a difference whether his dad makes him a Christmas Eve box or not, nor whether he gets his mum's one on 24th or some other day; he's old enough to understand that different households have different traditions. But either way it makes no sense to withhold it just to teach the dad a lesson.

My answer would be no, your. Ex has barely does anything op! Why should he just get the best bits.

I think it would be right to prepare your son - so maybe next year you could ask him if he would prefer to go to his Dad’s, he will be ten and able to make his own decisions. If he says no to next year that needs to be respected and if yes then you can plan accordingly.

Follow the same routine for this year.

Ah OP that must have been so hard to see. Make sure he knows there's no pressure on him and everyone will happy with whatever plan he decides.

Has he mentioned sleeping badly there before?

My SC usually had Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day with their Mum and came to ours about 6pm.
We swapped it one year but frankly DH made no effort to make it special like their Mum did, so we didn't swap it again.
Kids were happy with the arrangement and DH likes them coming back in the evening and then having a more relaxed time over Boxing Day.

Yeah, he has mentioned not getting good sleep there before, it's an older house and to be fair a relatively new environment. I did say that he dosnt need to worry about offending me or his dad, that we're both just want him to be happy and have a great Christmas

I know it's not in your interest but if you made it sound like a potentially fun exciting time with his dad he might be more open to the idea and excited about it.

Could he take something from home to help sleep better? A toy or blanket or something.

Poor little thing. He can’t have much of a deep trusting bond given his Dad barely sees him. I would say he can stay at home for as long as he wants to for Christmas.

Poor lad. From that reaction I think he wants to stay with you but is feeling guilty about refusing Dad. Would Dad be willing to have the same conversation -: reassure him it's ok to stay with you and they can celebrate later?

Oh I did, I said he'd have a great time at dads, and that he would be coming home at a certain time so he would still be here on Christmas, I wouldn't try and steer him against it for the sake of my feelings I'm not like that. I want him to make his decision himself, not influenced by a sad crying mum

To me it all sounds too rushed. It doesn’t sound like he likes sleeping there either. Too much, too soon given how little he has seen his father for his entire life. I would take it slowly op. Also discuss how he can be more comfortable when he is there? It doesn’t sound great.

I hope this works out well for you and ds - you sound like a fan supportive mum with their child's best interests first.

You sound like a lovely mum, doing the right thing and giving him the choice