Parents who have spent Christmas morning without your child is it horrendous?

[Tessasays]

My son is 9 and me and his dad split before be could crawl. I'm the primary parent. His dad sees him on Saturdays and has only recently started having him over night once a fortnight, he's just text me asking the plan for Christmas. For the first few years his dad would come round the morning and watch him open his presents stay an hour or two then go off and do his own thing, and my son would stay with me and do our thing. For the last 4 years I've had my son Christmas Eve, Christmas and he's gone to his dads from 11-4 then back home for dinner with us.

his dads just text me asked the plan for this year, I replied saying shall we do just what we usually do and he come to you for a few hours in the day. He's just replied asking if he could have the opportunity to have him overnight on Christmas Eve this year and I'll get him back on Christmas Day at a time that's not yet been arranged. I don't know how I feel about it. I've just said that I'll speak to our son when he's home from school and go from there. I have 2 younger daughters with my fiancee and it is gonna be rough not having him here. But at the same time I can't be selfish and say no because it's his dad at the end of the day, I am a bit upset though.

has anyone had a similar situation and is it totally shit? 💔

Could you not negotiate this a bit, so that he has your son on Boxing Day this year and you can alternate next year? Gives everyone a chance to get used to a new Christmas dynamic.

Im thinking it's a bit short notice to drop this on my son, he has a regular Christmas routine and to now be spending it away from his primary family idk how he's gonna feel about it. I always try and be the nice accomdating co-parent but I don't want to upset my son.

It's fine honestly. You get used to Christmas being a series of events rather than 1 day.
You have a DP and DD so you're not alone either ? So honestly I think it's a bit unfair that you've had Xmas morning for all the past years and your ex hasn't.
Don't worry it will be fine

I know, that's why I'm trying to be nice about it, I've had it good for 9 years, and he's not always been the best dad but he's making an effort in recent years. He's getting him a ps5 so I imagine he's excited about that, which I do understand so I'm trying not to let me feelings get in the way

I have two DD's with my fiancé so 3 children in total

I think your ex is being incredibly unreasonable. If he'd been an equal parent all this time then fair enough...but sounds like you do virtually everything then he gets to swoop in and enjoy the magic of Christmas eve/morning. But I'd see what your ds says

You have had Xmas morning for 9 years. I think it would be fair to give him one.

He’s trying to make the effort so I would let your son have the memory with his dad at Xmas too.

I purposefully wrote in our order that Christmas is 12-noon Christmas eve - 12 noon boxing day so that she could spend a good chunk of time with whatever family she was with and wouldn't be dragged away from her toys.

When I don't have her for Christmas it's fine, Christmas eve I go to M&S and stock up on some lovely yellow stickered goodies and have cheese and crackers for tea.
I spend Christmas day with my parents and have Christmas dinner there (DD doesn't actually like Roasts anyway). I wrap her presents, eat chocolates and drink alcohol (which I don't if I'm responsible for her), browse the sales and watch grown up TV.
Before she gets home on the 26th I go to the Boots / Next sales if on and stock up on stocking filler type things and the reduced Christmas gifts.

27th is our Christmas eve so we go to Panto (cheaper after Christmas), come home and when she was little did the mince pies and hanging out the stockings etc, 28th is Christmas day so open stocking here then off to my parents where we open all our presents, we have a 'picky' dinner which DD loves.

Unless you are religious it's really no big deal, just shift the whole day, DD also started her calendar so it counted down to 'our' Christmas. There is no end of Christmas TV available on streaming now it is very easy to recreate it and good for you to have downtime too.

I do agree. It's just sad because I've already bought the stuff for his Christmas Eve box, and Christmas Eve pjs, packed his stocking and everything, and now I'm not even gonna have him, it's just a bit shite. The pjs match his sisters as well I'm getting myself into a right state now 😢

@Tessasays so just shift the day, it's no Biggie.

Ask him. Stay positive and talk about how you'll do christmas with him on boxing day or Christmas eve. How old are you other children? Can you save some gifts so they can open them together as a family.

I’ve been alternating Xmas for 8 years. Mine are at their dads this year. I usually don’t bother celebrating until they are back. Use to go for a longish walk Xmas day and have a curry for tea. Kids come back at 6pm And just chill before round 2 Boxing Day. My kids gave food is roast dinner so have my Xmas dinner then.

I have a 2 year old and will need to focus on making sure I get a big of Xmas cheer ready for him!

I'm going to go against the grain here and say my answer would be no, unless that's what your son really wants to do.

@Comedycook had it right IMO.

Your son has Christmas traditions with you and his sisters. He shouldn't be missing out on them because his dad is now more actively parenting almost a decade later.

Ask your son where he wants to spend Christmas Eve and make a plan from there. If he chooses his dads he can always open his presents when he gets home and wear the matching pjs Christmas nights. It’s rubbish sharing Christmas’s but sometimes it has to be done

No it's not awful. It's actually quite nice and I embraced the lie in!! It also took the pressure off some years.
What it has taught my now young adult daughters is that the date is irrelevant, spending time together building Lego or now enjoying a glass of wine can be just as lovely in the days surrounding the 25th and they are flexible in what happens around these days

No it's not horrendous. It feels a bit odd and wrong at first but you get used to it.

Do your Christmas eve box on the 23rd. Do your pyjamas and presents on the 24th. No big deal at all, really. It's one day out of a whole festive month - do small activities and special things throughout instead.

💐

My other children are 2 and 4 so Christmas will still very much be happening in our house just minus my boy

Move it anyway. Honestly just do it one day early. They won't know the difference.

Ask your kid with no pressure. He may want to be with siblings.

You know I might just do this, I was ok when he first asked, but the more I dwell on it the more upset I'm getting, and I feel like my sister is bringing him home from school on snail back where is she? 😂

Your younger children really won't mind moving Christmas a day.

@Tessasays I think you need to ask your son in the first instance and then do it every other year going forward. I do understand, and I appreciate its short notice, but your post has focused very much on your feelings and not on what your son might like.

FWIW it's just me and my DD at home and she has had sporadic contact with her Dad in the years since I asked him to leave. This year she will be going to her Dad's on Boxing Day. Next year, she will be with her Dad. I will be having Prosecco in bed, a winter walk and a day of Christmas nibbles and snacks.

Just start their calendars to align with whatever date you choose and a 2 and a 4 year old will have no idea,the holiday to them is just one expanse of time. I also find that older children don't care what date they celebrate providing they know Santa has been notified of the change in plan.

DD stopped alternating a few years ago as her dad had a new baby and Christmas is far more fun with a tot than with a load of adults so that's what she does now, again it's no problem as we just celebrate when she's home. But if I also had another little one I'd just shift the day and do something fun with the tots.

My dad had to move abroad when I was 10 because of his job (parent's divorced, i wanted to go with him but couldn't). It destroyed me, and xmas and birthdays were so much worse. I could hear dad crying on the phone sometimes. It is all our birthdays around that week which makes it worse.
I am late 30s, he's still abroad, and it still stings.

Please, please, for your child's sake, let the dad have him this year and maybe work out something where you share Xmas eve/day boxing day evenly or on rotation. As your child gets older, he will want to do things differently too.

Most couples I know alternate between having full Xmas eve and the first half of Xmas day and the second half of Xmas day and Boxing Day.

My sister does alternative full Xmas days but will do her own Xmas day on Boxing Day if she doesn’t see them on the actual day.

Christmas doesn’t have to be celebrated on the actual day or you can have 2 Xmas days.

As it’s quite short notice, you could tell DH that you already have plans Xmas eve/xmas morning and so how about him having him the second half of the day and Boxing Day this year and then next year he can have him Xmas eve and the first half of Xmas day.