Parents who have spent Christmas morning without your child is it horrendous?

[Tessasays]

My son is 9 and me and his dad split before be could crawl. I'm the primary parent. His dad sees him on Saturdays and has only recently started having him over night once a fortnight, he's just text me asking the plan for Christmas. For the first few years his dad would come round the morning and watch him open his presents stay an hour or two then go off and do his own thing, and my son would stay with me and do our thing. For the last 4 years I've had my son Christmas Eve, Christmas and he's gone to his dads from 11-4 then back home for dinner with us.

his dads just text me asked the plan for this year, I replied saying shall we do just what we usually do and he come to you for a few hours in the day. He's just replied asking if he could have the opportunity to have him overnight on Christmas Eve this year and I'll get him back on Christmas Day at a time that's not yet been arranged. I don't know how I feel about it. I've just said that I'll speak to our son when he's home from school and go from there. I have 2 younger daughters with my fiancee and it is gonna be rough not having him here. But at the same time I can't be selfish and say no because it's his dad at the end of the day, I am a bit upset though.

has anyone had a similar situation and is it totally shit? 💔

If you told him that he's still going to have Christmas with you and the other children first before he goes, he might feel better about it.

I wouldn’t want to do that, what about the children that still believe in Father Christmas? I
know people do it, but I’m not a fan. There is nothing quite like Christmas Day.

@Tessasays Oh I totally get it, truly. Trying to get on with a deadbeat ex is an enormous kick in the dick. And as you've asked DS and he isn't keen, you can take that to your ex. I know you shouldn't have to justify it. I'm sorry yours sounds just as delightful as mine - DD never sleeps well at her Dad's and it takes all the intervening days/weeks between her next visit to get her back on track.

First of all, do NOT ask your DS! He will possibly be incredibly torn with keeping both parents happy. It should be decided between the adults then the child told of the arrangements.
I did alternate christmases from my DD being 6 years old.She was an only child up until 11 so the years she was with her DF I had no other children. It was pretty awful for me the first time, but as a family we organised Christmas differently so we had the big family get together on Boxing Day instead and I spent Christmas Day with childless friends. I don’t believe my DD lost out at all - she loved having 2 big family days, double presents, double advent calendars etc.

I had Christmas Eve and some of the day at my dad’s when I was 7 and it was very weird being away from my mum. She always did the best stockings, knew exactly what I’d love. It meant a lot to my dad though and he and my step mum made a huge effort to make it special.

Christmas with divorced/separated parents sucks for everyone, even into adulthood. My mum said that Christmas was one of her worst, but then it was just her on her own with the cats.

Someone is painfully missing, whatever the arrangement.

That said, my stepmum is a phenomenal hostess, has masses of beautiful decorations and loves Christmas, whereas my mum despises cooking and all the trimmings. But then again, we can watch Christmas Eastenders at my mum’s, so that makes a mum Christmas more appealing.

As your son is a bit older at 9, I’d suggest letting him make the call on what he’d prefer to do, and be try and be ok with his choice. He might like to try a different sort of Christmas this time and do a regular one next year.

I hope whatever happens, your son, you and your family have a great Christmas.

Children really don't mind, even when they do believe in Father Christmas. They fill in the blanks very well with guidance from their parents. My children had Christmas with me and with their dad many times and it was just fine.

And the Christmas being right at Mum's that pp talks about is my rationale for having yours first a day before - he'll already have had his proper Christmas then.

I did say to him, if you do decide to go to dads we will have to give Santa a call and tell him to send your presents to dads. We had a little laugh about that because he dosnt believe anymore sadly

I have a nine year old and he asked me to make the decision as he didn’t know what to do and was tying himself in knots trying to be “fair” and not upset either of us 🥲. I think because it’s short notice this year maybe split Christmas Day and then see how that goes, then negotiate again with your ex about next year later on.

As your son is a bit older at 9, I’d suggest letting him make the call on what he’d prefer to do imv 9 years old is far too young to bear the burden of his parents’ hopes and expectations

It’s fine, it’s just a day like any other. You’re going to see him at some point. You’ve had all the years prior to this when he would have been at peak excitement. At 9 he is old enough to have a conversation, if he really resisted then you can talk to your ex but I think it’s nice for your child to have a chance to spend Christmas Eve and morning with his dad.

What about what the kid wants? No pressure, just ‘what would you like to do? Whatever you chose is cool with us.’ His hopes and expectations for his Christmas trump the parent’s.
It’s a real pain to be torn between parents, especially at Christmas, so he should be able to make the choice himself, he’ll have a lifetime of Christmas politics to navigate.

I have a 9 year old son and he knows his own mind, I no longer just know what he’d like, so I try to give him options and be okay with his choices.

You should not be putting this on your son to decide. Poor child. After 9 years of Christmases you should be gracefully conceding this to your ex.

I think you’ve handle it all so well. Maybe say that if he can’t decide then maybe it’s best he stays with the usual pattern this year and thinks about trying it next year - but no pressure to do it next year either.

So I should make that call a month before Christmas his plans are tipped on there head without giving him a say? He's only been consistsntly seeing his dad at all for 2 years, I don't think it's fair to just say this is what you're doing like it or not, he's been looking forward to Christmas. So to go from a familiar Christmas morning spent as a 5 and then onto a big family get together to just dad, his gf and you, it's a bit of a jump. It's fine if that's what he wants to do, but it's not fair to just say yes to his dad while he's at school because I want to keep the peace, without actually considering if it's what he wants, and it seems by his reaction, it's actually not what he wants

You don't withhold it from DS, just she who has lovingly put it together for her DS should give it to him. Not his Dad who until recently never even bothered to have contact with him.

Seems pretty clear he wants to stay with his mum and he’s got a good practical reason to not go to his dad’s. Bless him, it’s really tough. How grown up to sleep on it before making a decision. Christmas means a lot when you’re 9, and I can imagine the idea of everyone at home having Christmas without him is pretty awful.
I hope his dad is understanding about it and a compromise is found.

You do not put the responsibility on a NINE year old. You’ve put him in a huge loyalty bind. You’re clearly resolute on having Christmas Day - what was the point of posting apart from justifying your stance?

I kinda think siblings should be together for present opening

Yes ask your son what does he want to do?

You KNOW the answer to this scenario op. Your son barely knows his father, to force him to spend Christmas with him is quite cruel.

Please take the decision away from him. Daddy and I have decided that this year will be the same as all the other Christmases, and then when you are older and have spent more time at Daddy’s we can revisit it then.

You have to be the parent here op. You don’t owe this man anything at all..

I don't think you can say he 'barely knows his father'. He's been doing visitation consistently for 2 years not 2 weeks. Of course he knows him.

This decision should not have been put on him he's too young. He's been with mum for 9 Christmas's it's time he spent one with dad so he can build memories. Of course he is unsure about a change of routine but I'm sure he will enjoy it once he's there

Seeing a child every fortnight for the last two years of his nine year life is extremely basic and yes they will be virtual strangers. Ops son has only just started staying there, and doesn’t even like it.

I imagine the child is closer to almost everyone else. It takes years to build a trusting relationship, and even now it’s skating surface level.

The child should stay at home, with the rest of the family. His father choose to ignore him for seven years and needs to be patient.

@IsThisIt39
Seems pretty clear he wants to stay with his mum and he’s got a good practical reason to not go to his dad’s. Bless him, it’s really tough. How grown up to sleep on it before making a decision. Christmas means a lot when you’re 9, and I can imagine the idea of everyone at home having Christmas without him is pretty awful.
I hope his dad is understanding about it and a compromise is found.

This
I'd take that as a team mum this year.

My dd went to her dad's (Christmas eve to Boxing Day ) every other one from the off (18 months).
She never knew anything else and this worked well.
But she always led
At about 9 she decided she didn't want to sleep over - dad had got a knew house - 3 floors- and her bed room was on top.
She didn't like it as she was away from everyone- so she didn't stay over.
Her dad was sad but put dd first and she never stopped over again.
Still happy to go
Believe me it won't be long before they are of an age to pick and choose when they go / if they go.
Then it's uni and either parent is lucky to see them.
If it's lovely to know you've done a good job bringing up strong independent kids (enjoy it but let him lead you) which I see you are doing.

One of the children is 4. I know my child was odd, but there is no way I could have moved something like Christmas to another day without her noticing by that age.