6 year old DD won't leave me alone or play by herself

[Storybot]

At my absolute wits end. We got in to good habits over the summer of an hour before bed where she could play in her room or in the bath but she's point blank refusing playing in her room without me there.

I love playing board games, cards, colouring, we read, do crafts. But I fucking hate sitting in her messy room playing with dolls. It's boring, everything I do is wrong, and I'm crap at it. I've tried talking to her, getting cross, explaining that if she plays with her toys she's more likely to get good presents at Xmas or birthdays because I only like buying toys I know she'll play with. I busy myself with other stuff in the hope she'll get bored and go off, this occasionally works. She went up tonight while I cleaned the kitchen but came back 10 mins later to say she was bored and had played with everything already

Her responses range from she doesn't have enough hands to do the games with her dolls to straight out shouting NO in my face.

Bedtimes are also horrendous at the moment. We could have a lovely story or bath but the second she is required to do any basic task like go to the toilet, move from my bed where we've read a story in to he room the refusal begins, lying in our bed refusing to move, dragging herself across the floor at snails pace etc, not getting out the bath. The angrier I get the angrier and worse behaved she gets, so I know getting cross doesn't work but it's the end of the day, I'm tired and I want her to go to bed without a massive song and dance.

Some nights DH and I can tag team and when the first person is losing their temper the other takes over, but DH works in the evenings often so this isn't a guarantee.

Nearly every night bed time ends in me leaving DD in bed with me fuming and her in a strop.

Are there any practical suggestions? I feel the bedtimes have declined in line with the lack of independent play. She's 6 and I can still rarely go to the toilet or have a bath on my own unless she's out or watching tv

I sympathise about bed time, but she shouldn't have to spend an hour alone every evening before bedtime. It makes her bedroom a negative and loanly place which also won't help with bedtime. I think an hour where you won't play as it's 'settling down' time is fair enough, but she should still be able to be downstairs with you.

Why do stories in your room if she refuses to leave? Start bedtime in her room in her bed. If she refuses to get out of the bath just take the plug out, shel soon get cold once the water is gone. Sounds like you need to find a way to reset bedtimes to stop them being a battle ground, is she anxious about being alone?

but came back 10 mins later to say she was bored and had played with everything already

This is your cue to give her some chores to do. She will either enjoy working alongside you or will skedaddle at the first opportunity to do something more fun. Win:win.

explaining that if she plays with her toys she's more likely to get good presents at Xmas or birthdays because I only like buying toys I know she'll play with

This is a strange thing to say to her.

I'm all for encouraging independent play but you've created a really negative vibe around all of this and you need to really shake things up. Play with her for half an hour before bed and really grit your teeth and get into it. Give her your full undivided attention and pretend to enjoy it. Maybe you'll actually start to. Set a timer and tell her you'll play the whole time but when the timer beeps that means it's jammies, brush teeth and time for a couple of bedtime stories.

She needs to know that she's going to get some dedicated time with you. You will look back and regret this otherwise. You don't have to play with her for hours on end but she clearly feels lonely and desperately wants to connect with you.

You leave her alone in the bath?

I agree with pp that right before bed is an anxious time for lots of kids. She should be able to play by herself, but start this during the day and for shorter periods. At bedtime, get her a Tonie box or Alexa so she can listen to an audio book or podcast while she lies in bed. Independent play at that time of night is probably just too much for her.

With the bedtimes, can you change uo.the routine? For example, have a shower and get PJ's on as soon as she gets in from school, then dinner, then play and then go up together for stories )in her room), put the audio book on and promise to be back in half an hour to turn her light out and say goodnight.

I'd introduce a star chart for bedtime. I'd also introduce her to journalling/a worry doll so if she has got something playing on her mind at bedtime she has an outlet.

Kids who play up at bedtime are usually just anxious about the impending separation from their parents.

It's not an enforced hour alone and it's not just bedtime that she won't play alone either. We'll have all been together since after school, playing or having dinner or watching TV. Then we say do you want some play time or to read or have a bath? She can talk to us, ask for help with specific things etc. but she'd rather follow me around moaning about being bored. My worry is she never just gets a game going and uses her imagination, and I know she can as she's done it previously. I remember playing long convoluted games for hours when I was young.

I have a job and a house and a dog I just cannot play with her endlessly, and the only other thing she'll do happily is watch tv. She does not watch a tablet or YouTube, that was removed following the bad bedtimes as this has helped previously

An hour playing alone at 6 is a long time.
It sounds like she is craving time with you.
Was it different in the summer because she saw you more during the day? Is she at school now and wanting time with you before bed.
It's hard when everyone is tired but I wonder whether bedtime could be reset and a lot quicker/easier for everyone if she had company/love/fun with you for all of it and wasn't feeling pushed away?

Where does it say that?

She's six.
She loves you.
She wants to spend time with you.

The more you try to push her away the more she will want to be near you.

Asking a 6yo to play alone for an hour is really not fair, she will be sad and lonely unless she chooses it herself.

Were you made to play alone?

explaining that if she plays with her toys she's more likely to get good presents at Xmas or birthdays This is really not ok, very manipulative.

Why can't she watch tv in the evening if you want time to get stuff done? Not everyone likes being alone, it's not her fault.

“…the only other thing she'll do happily is watch tv.”

Let her watch tv then! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I remember playing long convoluted games for hours when I was young. There is no way you have an accurate memory of length of time when you were just six.

I use a visual timer (loads on YouTube) and set it for 15 minutes and say we can play together at the end for my clingy 4 year old. It works really well - an hour is quite a long time and away from you too. Could you not build smaller time blocks with her in the same room but you busy?

Bored gets chores. My eyes must have lit up like pinballs when any of mine uttered the word. They would flee.

I don't get this having to play with them every minute. I don't recall parents being so heavily into playing kids games when I was a kid. We were more than capable of occupying ourselves.

I'm in a similar boat OP and I just suck it up. I know it's mind bending. I actually feel a bit drained doing it sometimes, but it won't be forever.

She's not away from me, her door isn't even shut and it would rarely be the whole hour as that time would include story, getting in PJ's etc. even if she lasted half an hour great and when she gets a good game going she'll want more than an hour. But that seems to happen so rarely now

And the thing is when she only has 15 minutes she'll get going then fight and moan when it's bed time

No, she has some after school and plenty at the weekend. Imaginative play is important

No, she has some after school and plenty at the weekend. Imaginative play is important

Then play with her.

You're not showing her that it's important. She's modelling after you.

So what do you want people to suggest then? Why can't you get her to play after school and have tv at bed time?

I don't think it's manipulation to explain that I like buying her presents that I know she plays with, because I think it's wasteful to have a lot of stuff that's never used. But maybe it is 🤷 but I'm desperate and am trying everything.

I take on board an hour is too long but I assure you it isn't go to your room and play for an hour without a peep. I'm in and out, putting away washing, helping get clothes on the Barbie's etc. I just don't want to play the game and want her to come up with the ideas herself. I feel dread when I sit down with her and she says 'what shall we do'? What's the point of all the bloody toys

I bloody do but I hate it! That's what I'm asking. Is it normal for a six year old to never play independently?

Your DD sounds incredibly similar to mine. She will rarely play in her room or with toys. She prefers to do colouring or play doh type activities at the kitchen table. She will only play in her room when it suits her and never when asked to.

We let her have some tv before bed as her wind down time which works better. She has her bedtime story in her own bed as this is the only way to get her into bed usually!

The thing is I'm spending the whole after school period with her. Tonight she had my undivided attention for over an hour of playing board games and colouring. Then she mopped the floor in the kitchen while I emptied the dishwasher. Then I say do you want some play time in your room or do your reading? She said play then came back ten minutes later moaning.

The only reason it's her room is because that's where the toys are, she wonders freely between rooms if it's part of her game. As I said this was going really well earlier in the year but it's completely stopped now