6 year old DD won't leave me alone or play by herself

[Storybot]

At my absolute wits end. We got in to good habits over the summer of an hour before bed where she could play in her room or in the bath but she's point blank refusing playing in her room without me there.

I love playing board games, cards, colouring, we read, do crafts. But I fucking hate sitting in her messy room playing with dolls. It's boring, everything I do is wrong, and I'm crap at it. I've tried talking to her, getting cross, explaining that if she plays with her toys she's more likely to get good presents at Xmas or birthdays because I only like buying toys I know she'll play with. I busy myself with other stuff in the hope she'll get bored and go off, this occasionally works. She went up tonight while I cleaned the kitchen but came back 10 mins later to say she was bored and had played with everything already

Her responses range from she doesn't have enough hands to do the games with her dolls to straight out shouting NO in my face.

Bedtimes are also horrendous at the moment. We could have a lovely story or bath but the second she is required to do any basic task like go to the toilet, move from my bed where we've read a story in to he room the refusal begins, lying in our bed refusing to move, dragging herself across the floor at snails pace etc, not getting out the bath. The angrier I get the angrier and worse behaved she gets, so I know getting cross doesn't work but it's the end of the day, I'm tired and I want her to go to bed without a massive song and dance.

Some nights DH and I can tag team and when the first person is losing their temper the other takes over, but DH works in the evenings often so this isn't a guarantee.

Nearly every night bed time ends in me leaving DD in bed with me fuming and her in a strop.

Are there any practical suggestions? I feel the bedtimes have declined in line with the lack of independent play. She's 6 and I can still rarely go to the toilet or have a bath on my own unless she's out or watching tv

My 6 yr old dd won’t play independently in her room but if I set her up with a puzzle or her dollshouse or a play scenario (like a couple of teddies and a dr set say) downstairs near me she will play for a bit.
Can you rethink instead of keep trying to make this routine work. Think of all the elements of the afterschool time and move them around. Aim for 10 mins independent play after 20 mins engagement with you doing puzzles or boardgames. Set aside some of the weekend or whenever you’re feeling more relaxed and positive to do the doll role play she wants to do? Have a cup of tea or whatever you need to feel refreshed before you begin bedtime rather than trying to push through it.

She's lonely.

And yes it is manipulative. I like buying her presents that I know she plays with, because I think it's wasteful to have a lot of stuff that's never used. This is pretty awful to say to a young child, talk about taking the joy out of Christmas.

She'll grow up soon enough.

The thing is I'm spending the whole after school period with her. Tonight she had my undivided attention for over an hour of playing board games and colouring. Then she mopped the floor in the kitchen while I emptied the dishwasher. Then I say do you want some play time in your room or do your reading? She said play then came back ten minutes later moaning.

Then just lay down the law OP. I hate imaginative play as well and I was a very imaginative child. You need to decide a new way of doing things and stick to it.

Explain to her that you will play dolls with her for a half hour every day. Give her a homemade token, just a bit of card that says "play dolls with mum" on it or whatever. Tell her every day she can decide when she wants to use her token after school, but that when she gives it to you, you will play for half an hour only. When time is up that's it. However, you will happily also do other things with her that you enjoy. Just be honest with her. Tell her you really like puzzles/board games/crafts or whatever. But give a little of what she wants too.

She's acting this way because of the negative vibe coming from you about it all.

Honestly, yes. Lots of 6 year olds don't like to play on their own. And it sounds as if she doesn't have a sibling close in age to play with, so that leaves.....you.

My son is like this and several friends' children are too. We all lean too much on screens, but it gets better as they get older because they do more sports and activities.

Also worth adding she doesn't do this to DH. According to him if I'm not around she happily gets on with stuff on her own

This

She's not 'doing' anything to you, she's your child and she loves you. Are you taking on board anything anyone is saying?

for some children (including my DD) board games and creative play isn't enough and they need and crave imaginary play.

I have got quite good at it. Just co create a scenario like the dolls are at a party and one of them is being left out and then act it out. Schools is a good one too. It isn't the best for you but she will love it and you will glean quite a bit about what's going on with her.

She might need this time and this sort of play to process some things.

You need to read a book called When Kids Push Your Buttons

She's not "doing this to you", this is your own issue to sort out and I think this book would help you.

She loves DH too but she doesn't follow him in to every room. Yes I am processing it and thinking about how to apply it without losing my sanity. It's one area of parenting I'm struggle at, with an otherwise very bright and well rounded child. She is very independent at school too.

Wow this is a sad read. Is she an only child must have missed that.

Ten minutes of reading all by herself upstairs is very agr appropriate. You're expecting her to behave like a teenager!

I think of imaginative play is that important to you then it should be earlier in the day. Get home from school, snack and then she plays while you get some bits done. Then come back together and play together after, then tv to relax. No bedroom battle ground or getting mad at her being tired and less imaginative at the end of the day. She isn't you and her needs are different and that's ok, she's perfectly normal and so is her behaviour.

This. She can come and do chores with you.

I truly don't believe that parents are involved every time a six year old plays with their toys. That just can't be true

Yes she's an only child but is pretty much never on her own.

I think you’re getting unreasonably villainised here op.

I think it’s healthy for kids to have some alone time and play/ entertain themselves independently. I think it’s an important life skill to be honest.

My children will happily play/ learn independently for an hour (age 9,7 and 3). Of course you’re in earshot and they aren’t locked away.

Couple things to think about re behaviour. I wouldn’t be taking any shit on this front. Before she gets in your bed outline the expectations for going to bed and explain she will not be allowed in your bed the following day if she kicks off. Before the bath explain it’s a luxury and if she kicks off you will pull the plug anyway, she will get freezing and will have to have a shower the following day instead. No emotion whatsoever if she’s kicking off - she’s only doing it to get more attention and a rise from you - don’t fuel it at all. If she’s getting out of bed I wouldn’t even talk to her, just pick her up and put her back in.

Re the playing - Are all her toys age appropriate. Does she maybe have too many that she can’t see the wood for the trees. Are there some that might be better for independent play to remind her of. Have you tried having music on in her room in the Background, or maybe an audio book. Can she have other kids round to play some time? Is there a place she can play outside her room that’s near you but not necessarily with you? Eg we get the play do and colouring books out on the kitchen table whilst I’m cooking.

It might just be her personality type. My first child was only interested in toys if a friend, or better still a parent, played with them with him. He far preferred just chatting and being together. He also never needed a stair gate/child locks on cupboards etc because he never wanted to go and do anything away from us. He wasn't insecure or needy - quite the reverse. He would and still does talk to absolutely anyone and was very independent as an older child. He's now an actor so the creativity comes out that way - he just finds people more interesting than stuff. Son number 2 wanted lego, fake swords, playmobil etc and could play independently. But he would also wander off if you didn't watch him closely while out and about. Just different personalities. It's probably nothing you're doing or failing to do, and just how your daughter is. I used to feel a bit suffocated, but before you know it they are teenagers living very much their own lives. The 'entertain me' days really don't last that long.

Thank you. I wouldn't have posted on MN If I wasn't expecting to be ripped apart tbf, I always forget how one detail not well explained will get torn to shreds. I feel I have clarified plenty of times now that she is not sent to her room for an hour away from us before bed. I simply want to be able to potter around while she plays and can help with anything she needs. I just don't want to do the playing

Can't she play downstairs with you? My youngest is 8 and I rarely play with her but we're always pottering around each other/one of us watching tv downstairs etc, having a chat. It's very young to spend an hour every night alone in her room.

She does. We play for ages but all her toys like dolls, Polly pockets etc are in her room.

My DS played perfectly happily alone at that age. I would not tolerate that. We're close but he had to learn how to amuse himself or he eould have driven me nuts. You shouldn't be letting her scream and shout at you. Thats not acceptable.

I've got two kids and both used to keep most of their toys downstairs. I never played much with either of them- they'd play on their own but with me there. Enabled me to get on with things and them to have company/conversation.

She doesn’t want play, she wants to play with you.
she wants you to help her process her day
she wants to connect with you after a long day at school.
she wants to connect with you before she sleeps.

its bloody hard.
I have a limpet 6 year old daughter too.

the more I lean in to it the less she needs.
the more I withdraw or refuse the more she needs.
because it’s not about playing it’s about connecting and processing her feelings with you.

We did hope we were past our living room being a playroom tbh. All the board games, cards, crafts, colouring etc is still down here

Following with interest as my DD8 is exactly like this and always has been! We've actually recently been more relaxed with TV and that has helped....but have been watching things we can enjoy in the evening together (junior taskmaster for eg). We do have a set time where she needs to go upstairs for teeth and she tends to read in bed now on her own which is amazing! I would say it used to infuriate me, and now I've kinda accepted that's who she is...funnily I think her seeing me more relaxed has helped her relax also and behave better. Still annoys me at times though for sure!

Yes she's an only child but is pretty much never on her own.

Most children are never on their own at 6 - they seek out company. Most have a sibling or better still several siblings, which gives their parents some respite. I notice a lot of relies saying "My children (9,7 and 5) are great at playing independently" and it probably means they are playing together without a parent.