6 year old DD won't leave me alone or play by herself

[Storybot]

At my absolute wits end. We got in to good habits over the summer of an hour before bed where she could play in her room or in the bath but she's point blank refusing playing in her room without me there.

I love playing board games, cards, colouring, we read, do crafts. But I fucking hate sitting in her messy room playing with dolls. It's boring, everything I do is wrong, and I'm crap at it. I've tried talking to her, getting cross, explaining that if she plays with her toys she's more likely to get good presents at Xmas or birthdays because I only like buying toys I know she'll play with. I busy myself with other stuff in the hope she'll get bored and go off, this occasionally works. She went up tonight while I cleaned the kitchen but came back 10 mins later to say she was bored and had played with everything already

Her responses range from she doesn't have enough hands to do the games with her dolls to straight out shouting NO in my face.

Bedtimes are also horrendous at the moment. We could have a lovely story or bath but the second she is required to do any basic task like go to the toilet, move from my bed where we've read a story in to he room the refusal begins, lying in our bed refusing to move, dragging herself across the floor at snails pace etc, not getting out the bath. The angrier I get the angrier and worse behaved she gets, so I know getting cross doesn't work but it's the end of the day, I'm tired and I want her to go to bed without a massive song and dance.

Some nights DH and I can tag team and when the first person is losing their temper the other takes over, but DH works in the evenings often so this isn't a guarantee.

Nearly every night bed time ends in me leaving DD in bed with me fuming and her in a strop.

Are there any practical suggestions? I feel the bedtimes have declined in line with the lack of independent play. She's 6 and I can still rarely go to the toilet or have a bath on my own unless she's out or watching tv

Well she's not got and isn't getting any siblings. It's a bit late for me to birth a play mate for her. The siblings I do know tend to spend their time fighting

Play….play….play…….

My little boy is 6 and I understand. He’s an only child and has only me to play with. Tonight before bed we have been drawing treasure maps to find items hidden around the house….

The last thing I wanted to be doing after a long day at work…… but I looked like I was enjoying it and he was happy. I play constantly with him, painting, train tracks, musical statues and doing it solo I understand how difficult it can be when you just want a minute to yourself.

He goes to bed nicely every night without any drama. But I’ve played with him lots before bed. I don’t think he has ever played in his room on his own…. I would never ask him to. Great if he did, but he’s going to be in that room lots in a few more years and I’ll be annoying….but until then I’ll play.

You only have a few more years and this time will be done…. No more playing…

I have even taken Friday off work for the next few years….so I can play more….. Friday mornings are happy and not rushed…

Enjoy

Thank you, I will try leaning in to it a bit more and hopefully she starts to feel more secure playing independently

My child is a similar age and will play for ages with her Barbie’s, dressing her dolls and with her play kitchen. We do often get asked to make orders in the restaurant though! And sometimes we have to take part. But not every time. If she asks me to play I always suggest hair dressers. She does a lovely relaxing head massage and brush! Try that! :)

Even fighting keeps them occupied

Nobody is suggesting you must supply a sibling, but those of us with sociable only children need to accept their wish for companionship.

To be fair six is still very young to play for a long time on their own. At the end of the day it won’t be long until her attention will become more focused and she won’t need/want you around whilst she’s playing.

If your priorities are that high with regards to imaginative play then you’re going to have to do it with her. She obviously doesn’t want to do it unaided and if you’re not happy for her to watch tv for an hour while you get an hours peace then you’re going to have to put up with it i’m afraid.

Children are wilful creatures and she has decided she won’t play on her own. You can’t change that, it’s her personality type and so you need to decide what is more important to you for that hour - imaginative play or tv for the sake of your sanity. If she spends a lot of time with you already playing board games and things then shes using plenty of logic and strategic thinking skills. She will have plenty of time to be imaginative during the day at school. An extra hour in the evening is not going to kill her if you’re at the end of your tether because being stressed causes friction and a negative atmosphere and that’s no good either. It’s much more damaging to be snapping at her or shouting at her because you’re not getting enough ‘me’ time than being so rigid with her having to have that hours play time.

Some children her age may manage to play unaided but it doesn’t matter what other children are doing all children are different. Some children don’t like playing board games or colouring or reading. My son wouldn’t ever sit still and focus long enough to do any activity until the age of about 9 and that was utterly exhausting but just the way he was.

If you’re struggling at bed time then you need to keep her out of your bedroom it’s not helping and the change between your room and hers will cause an unnecessary anxiety. Do the bedtime routine in her room and the option is she listens to the stories nicely in her bed or she doesn’t get one at all. If she comes into your bedroom you say to her “You have to sleep in your bed like a grown up girl so you we are going to go and put you in your bed” if she refuses you pick her up and take her back. Any further times she comes into your room you take her back with no eye contact and repeat as many times as necessary until she works out that it’s futile and boring and will just be a waste of time. If she’s capable of being independent at school then she can sleep by herself. Playing by herself at this age isn’t massively important or necessary but making sure she has a good sleep routine and sleeps in her own bed is. If she screams no just ignore her. Children and adults alike won’t respond to being shouted at. It’s bad communication and confusing for small children so that’s also pointless. Calmly but firmly talk to her. You’re the adult, guide her. She’s not in control and you don’t haggle or barter with your child, it’s not a hostage situation. She’s actively playing you up and taking the mick by screaming no and snailing across the floor because she knows it’ll get her some negative attention which will deflect your attention from putting her to bed and waste time. She may be 6 but she’s not daft.

Yes we do those kinds of games, she got new play dough on her birthday and we spent hours with restaurants etc. I don't mind that as I can actually keep busy with my hands. She also washes my hair for me if I'm in the bath and she's the hairdresser, not always that relaxing though 🤣

We also play schools a lot and again I don't mind that, though when I'm the teacher and I suggest doing some actual kind of learning activity she tells me no. It's just sitting there like a lemon with a Barbie I hate, and I equally hate the thought of them all sitting there never used.

I have no idea about girls toys but what can you do with a Barbie….. I only know cars being pushed around the carpet for hours and trains going around Brio tracks.

I think you're getting yourself in a tizz over nothing here and starting to sound a bit ridiculous whining about this. She's 6. You're an adult. Just give her some of your time, reach a compromise about how much time is spent on that kind of play, and follow her lead.

All behavior is a form of communication.

Ok, I will completely drop the room playing thing and just let her follow me if I do need to do something and get her involved. I will also try and have dedicated weekend time when she's less tired and we're just at home to see if can play a bit more independently then.

Try not to go straight home after school….. that will kill a hour or two. DS helps me do the food shopping or go to the park or a walk around town. Then the evenings do not feel as long.

Yes she does several clubs in the week and we often visit the library on the way home or go to the shops..for some reason getting at 4.30 feels manageable but getting home at 3.30 feels like forever to fill

Could she have too many toys available and the thought of what to choose is overwhelming? How about putting some of them away and swapping them around every month or so? You could give her a bit of direction “can you dress all the Barbie’s ready for a winter holiday and I’ll help you get them on a pretend aeroplane in a bit” then next month Barbie’s away and get some polly pocket out?

She can bring the dolls down and 'they' can chat to you while you wash up. 'They' can tell you about adventures they had.

She can make you play dough food while you dry up and you can pretend it looks so real you can start putting it in the cupboard.

She can help you put the washing away and you can 'accidentally' find a little Polly Pocket which was hiding. (which you put there)

You might need her to do some 'writing' to help you with the shopping list; you let her know what to put on the list for Sainsburys and she can draw what you need.

Buy a puppet and at bedtime, let 'it' ask her about her day. She will tell the puppet loads more than she will tell you.

There are plenty of ways to be imaginative.

Honestly, I'm sure it's frustration but there is a negative tone from you which she may pick up on.

Thank you, those ideas are helpful

Lego is good 👍

You sound a bit mean to be honest, and like you don't particularly enjoy spending time with her. She will be picking up on that.

There's alot of nonsense on this thread OP. Typical Mumsnet with all the perfect parents.

Your daughter is perfectly capable of playing by herself for an hour. My daughter can and she's 5. To me, children need to learn to play alone sometimes. It's a life skill.

You're an adult. You have stuff to do. You can't always be playing with her. She needs to learn that you sometimes have adult things to do. So at that point stick the TV on if you need to. But you need to set some boundaries.

Yes you need to play with her a bit, force yourself through it but don't feel guilty when you sometimes have to say no.

Give over 🙄 if you read my responses you'll see there are multiple activities and hours we spend doing things together. I just want to encourage some independent play so I am not having to entertain her constantly. I truly thought that by 6 she would be able to say 'i want to go and play with Barbie's' and off she'd go while I make dinner or something

Exactly this.

She is in to Lego and we spent a lot of time on that following her birthday, she'll be getting more for Xmas. I like doing Lego as it's not imagination based and can follow instructions

You say you do multiple activities with her, but you clearly don't enjoy them. As I said previously, she will pick up on that 🙃

If you want her to play independently, you have to help teach her how to, you can’t just expect her to play by herself for an hour.

I say this as someone who gets very very frustrated with how little my four year old plays independently. If I put the effort in to set up a play setting, and play with him for 10/15 mins or so, he will get absorbed and continue to play for 15 mins by himself.

I will also offer him the choice of playing or helping with jobs (he sorts washing, preps tea, does washing up etc)

I am by no means a perfect parent, quite often I cba to do this and I just let him watch tv. But just saying you do need to put the effort in if you’re going to make it work.

Rotating toys helps, even moving toys to different rooms. Set a timer for when you play with her. And just remember this pretend play won’t last forever (you have my sympathies, it bores me to tears, but I’m sure when she’s much older and won’t leave her room you’ll look back on the play time together with rose tinted glasses and miss the simpler life together!)