Am i too strict?

[Mum2x3girls]

Really battling with my 12 year old at the moment. Constantly being told I’m too strict, and that she isn’t enjoying her childhood/ has no fun.
Generally, my rules are strict around screen tim during the week and she doesn’t have any social media. I accept this is different to many of her friends, but I also feel so strongly about how harmful social media is.
she has to be in her room at 8 (during the week) I do not push her to go to sleep, and she turns her lights out by herself, usually before I go to bed at 10pm.
She’s not allowed pudding unless she’s cleared her plate.
She’s no longer allowed to go to the park without supervision, I had allowed this, as I’d wanted to trust her to make good choices, but I found out she tried vaping, so has now had this privilege taken away- indefinitely.
she’s allowed friends over/ sleepovers when she asks and I taxi her around whenever she wants.
really interested in other parents experiences. She tells me all her friends are allowed so much more.
we’re uk based.

Agree with @JadziaD . I wasn’t as strict as this, I am through the other side and have a 17 and 20 year old (girls) and what they have told me when we look back at when they were younger is that I was firm but very fair and as I didn’t impose too many rules or was strict then they didn’t ever feel the need to rebel or keep things from me. I know of parents who are more strict and overly invested in their kids lives and it’s not gone or going well. Of course children need guidance and input but it’s getting the balance right I think

she has to be in her room at 8 (during the week)

Doesn't she ever have Guides / Scouts / Football / swimming / drama group / any other hobby / interest / activity ? Can't she just be spending time with the family if she wants to?

The in her room by 8pm thing is odd to me, unless she is particularly grumpy without that much sleep? I like my son chilling downstairs with us watching a quiz show or something.
I get limiting screen time as it can be hard to put it down even as an adult, but for us it’s more around not after a certain time, no phones at the table & not before you are ready for the day. I was sending him f1 memes at 12 so it was in no position to ban anything. We talk a lot about what’s normal, fake, algorithms etc.
The ban from the park indefinitely is a bit much, how does she earn back your trust without having any freedom at all?

9-11 is an average. Some children will need less and some will need more.
And most children don't get up at 6am. My DS got up at 8. If she's hit puberty her natural body cycles will want her to stay up later as well.

That said, if OP was insisting on a 8pm bedtime because her DD needed the sleep that would be one thing. But she hasn't. In fact it seems that DD is sometimes still up at 10pm when OP goes to bed.

Yeah, this. DS gets up between 6:45-730 depending on the day and if he has sport before school. Also, he's been doing sports that finish at 8:00 or even 8:30 since he was about 11.

OP has not come back. Perhaps she's found this thread a bit upsetting because she's been told by so many people that she's too strict and will be giving her child an eating disorder. OP, I really hopeyou do - you clearly want the best for your DD and wouldn't be on here asking if you didn't, so try take the opportunity to consider what you may need to change, and what you ight want to keep.

Why do you make her go and sit in her room at 8. That’s horrible, do you just not want her round you? I can’t see another reason you know she doesn’t got to sleep and don’t seem to care when she switches her lights off.

and no social media, no park, all because she tried a vape. It’s so harsh. What’s wrong with you. She’s going to rebel and when she’s able she will leave home and never look back

What's the bigger picture OP:

-does she have the opportunity to do sporting activities or clubs for teens to develop her self confidence during the week and/or weekends?

• do you try to control her clothing and who her friends are?

-what does she do beyond going to school?

Basically are you simply letting her go to school and then she is the house doing nothing? Because that is not healthy for a kid to be that regimented and limited in what she can do.

I completely understand some social media/TV restriction but expecting your kid to just be in her bedroom at 8pm every night or the plate clearing before she can have dessert sound a bit victorian to me...

Maybe you are scared of letting her grow up, but that is a recipe for disaster for a teenager...

I’ll echo everyone else’s comments about the no pudding unless her plate is cleared encouraging a poor relationship with food.

I’d definitely punish the vaping but not allowing her out with friends indefinitely is very unfair. How is she meant to be included socially if she’s not allowed out and also not allowed any social media.

I don’t think there’s many parents keen on social media at 12 but it’s the way it is now. You could let her have certain apps but know passwords and tell her you will be doing random checks to keep an eye. She must be approaching secondary school if not already there - I wouldn’t want my child being excluded from friends making plans etc.

You don’t want to be too lenient OP but if you’re too much the other way you might find you have a very rebellious teen on your hands.

I wonder if those who think the OP is not being strict have a much younger (or even slightly younger) child?
To me, it sounds like OP is struggling to adjust to her child becoming more independent as she is getting older.

Things like the very strict rules around screen time and bedtimes and black and white punishment after the vaping are how you deal with a primary school child.
These rules need to relax and morph as your child gets older.

Too strict .

Remove the clearing the plate rule, it's awful.
don't offer pudding if you feel that strongly but don't make her eat food she doesn't want to eat.
Going to the park is very normal for her age group and sure it's bad that she tried vaping but did she tell you that herself? You'll create secrecy if you punish her too harshly for fairly typical teenage experimentation. If you want her to learn to resist peer pressure, make good decisions and one day call you if she gets in trouble when she's out then let her learn some risk management of her own. Protecting her from the outside world will make it more attractive and make her more sneaky.
bed time is fine, social media is fine.

Your child’s world seems very very small. Way too strict.

In her room at 8 is extremely harsh, and the no pudding thing is just stupid.

I’m with everyone on the 8pm and pudding things. Feels like you want shot of her in the evenings - perhaps you do but how does that make her feel about your relationship? And yes I’d not give pudding if hardly any dinner eaten but clearing the plate - contrary to all modern advice about healthy habits with food.

Sounds like you’re both struggling to move into the gaining independence phase. I can imagine your horror about vaping, but also I think she’s made a mistake and needs to be given opportunities to fail and succeed. If you just lock her up she can’t develop her own good judgement. Scary though, I get that.

Re social media- with you 100%. Mine are a couple years behind but I’m prepared that I’ll be viewed as ‘strict’ and unusual on that one and I’m ok with that. Hopefully by time mine are that age SM will be banned for under 16s.

The pudding thing is batshit and setting her up for an unhealthy relationship with food in to adulthood.

Social media fine, unless you are banning WhatsApp too. In which case not fine. That’s how most kids and adults communicate.

How strict are we talking on screen time?

Why can’t she be out of her bedroom after 8pm? That must be a pretty lonely existence if she’s locked in her room and can’t even message her friends, or watch tv or play video games. What is she expected to do?

I agree I have a 15 and a 12 year old and it is hard but stopping them doesn’t help - with my 15 year old we discuss things, work out what she is comfortable with and trust her - she will be off in under 3 years as an adult so my role is preparing her to be prepared for that and the rules you are implementing aren’t doing that

OP all that will happen is you will create a vacuum where she doesn’t have the ability to cope with social media/going out/screen time etc.

how is she doing homework - so much of Dd gcse revision is around apps and videos etc or listening to Spotify whilst revising

the vaping for example shows it isn’t working

and as for the 8pm in her room where is the family time (and the clean plate is just awful)

Yes far too strict in my opinion. The clearing her plate or no pudding thing is batshit.. way to set her up for disordered eating! Are you telling me you've never had any leftovers after a meal?

I do understand social media and the importance of safety around using it but personally all you are doing is alienating her from her friends big time. Imagine being the only one from a group of friends to continuously be missing out on all of that chat etc after school? Yes put some boundaries in place like having a check over her phone every few days to keep an eye on things but a blanket no to all social media is sad. I also think in her room by 8pm is a bit crazy!! Any reason for that? She is part of the family right?

I have a feeling you'll soon have a rebellious teenager on your hands if you don't start relaxing some of your 'rules'. Speaking as a mum of 3 girls.. eldest being 15 so unfortunately I have the T-shirt!

I'd echo what @FloatyBoaty says - if your parenting style restricts your child from online socialising, I think it is not helpful, and perhaps quite harmful, to remove opportunities for in-person socialising.

My kids don't have social media access. They've seen some of the videos and images their classmates have committed to the internet and they are mostly content with not having that access and temptation to spew their childhood and teenage misdemeanours across the planet. They do however get lots of in person social time, and were given some forms of independence (e.g. the ability to go out alone, including without being tracked) years earlier than their friends.

I think you are too strict and risk a massive rebellion. Tge pudding rule is odd, being sent to bed at 8pm odder still and punishments for experimentation that age should be short and swift ( it's an entirely normal part of growing up). Social media and screen limits are not so bad

Some good questions here for the OP to reflect upon.

At 12 I was aiming to teach them self management of social media. They had WhatsApp and Snapchat. At 13 dtd has asked for TikTok, I’ve said no. I work in sm and know I’m more cautious than others. Our rule is no phones upstairs without specific permission. It helps to stop them disappearing on sm for hours on end and teaches them to self regulate/put their phone down.

indefinite not going to the park seems harsh. Have a conversation about the dangers and why you don’t want her vaping, talk about being open and honest and making good choices. By banning her, she’ll never tell you anything again and the ten years will be very tough for you.

Why does she have to be in her room at 8? Thats early at that age. Fine to set a sensible bedtime but why the banishment to her room?

I wouldn't phrase it as "not being allowed pudding if you don't clear your plate" but i would say if you aren't hungry you aren't hungry. You can't be selectively "full" for the healthy meal but "hungry" for cake.

The park thing, its a reasonable punishment to say no park, but I'd offer a route to earn back freedom/independence in some form.

I know loads of 12 yos who are only allowed whatsapp and have pretty much everything else blocked so i don't call that strict. My DC will get no access to tiktok, insta, facebook etc while I'm paying for the phone.

But @Chan9eusername the OP says no social media at all so I assume that includes WhatsApp.

OP said no social media at all - which includes WhatsApp - and also has strict screen time. So I don't think her DD even has that. I agree just allowing WhatsApp (and regular monitoring) is perfectly fine.