Am i too strict?

[Mum2x3girls]

Really battling with my 12 year old at the moment. Constantly being told I’m too strict, and that she isn’t enjoying her childhood/ has no fun.
Generally, my rules are strict around screen tim during the week and she doesn’t have any social media. I accept this is different to many of her friends, but I also feel so strongly about how harmful social media is.
she has to be in her room at 8 (during the week) I do not push her to go to sleep, and she turns her lights out by herself, usually before I go to bed at 10pm.
She’s not allowed pudding unless she’s cleared her plate.
She’s no longer allowed to go to the park without supervision, I had allowed this, as I’d wanted to trust her to make good choices, but I found out she tried vaping, so has now had this privilege taken away- indefinitely.
she’s allowed friends over/ sleepovers when she asks and I taxi her around whenever she wants.
really interested in other parents experiences. She tells me all her friends are allowed so much more.
we’re uk based.

No, you’re not. She’s 12.
You’re being perfectly reasonable.

In her room by 8 is harsh & unusual I would say . Clearing her plate is a daft rule just means that people don’t know when to stop eating naturally in later life but then we don’t have pudding anyway here.

Its stricter than I ever was when I had a 12 year old but without knowing her I can't tell you if you are too strict

Making her go to her room on a hard deadline every night is odd to me, what's the thinking behind that?

8 is early, no pudding unless plate cleared is odd and makes people eat too much.

No social media is fine, presumably she can still message and chat with her friends online?

Why does she have to be in her room at 8 if that's nowhere near her bedtime?

Yes you are too strict.

Most of your rules seem reasonable except the one about pudding. Making her clear her plate to get pudding is just encouraging her to ignore her body telling her she's full. You'd be better off saying pudding is only once or twice a week but she gets it that day regardless (or if you must, she gets it if she's had a decent go at dinner, not just a token 2-3 mouthfuls).

Also 8pm seems very early for sending a 12 year old to their room (for full disclosure I have a 5 yr old so this is a combo of gut feel and friends with kids a similar age).

And the no pudding until plate is cleared is shit, sorry. No one should feel like they need to eat more than they want or be punished for not being able to finish food.

It sounds quite authoritarian and not overly respectful.

I think there are a few things here.

So...indefinite banning of being out in public because she tried vaping definitely seems excessive to me. I think indefinite punishments of any sort are unreasonable. Also, things like vaping and experimentation are NOT going to be prevented by you punishing her. I'd have thought a short term punishment, possibly quite severe, as well as extensive conversations about how bad vaping/smoking is would be more practical.

Screen time - what are the limits? If its 20 minute a day, then yes, that's unreasonable. especially if you are considering any communication with her friends via her phone to be screen time.

In her room by 8 seems excessive too. Unless she's getting up at 6am, 12 year olds aren't going to bed until a bit later and why is she banned from the rest of the house? Surely if she's goign to bed a bit later you'd rather she was downstairs watching tv with you or similar?

No pudding unless she's cleared her plate... fine. I mean, we don't do pudding full stop so I can't get worked up about this Although I am uncomfortable with forced feeding. But I think it's reasonable to say if you don't eat the food provided, you don't get food (up to a point).

Social media - I'm on the fence. I'm not wld about it but it is 2024, our children are all using it and to ban it completely risks them being hugely left out. It also means they don't learn to navigate it safely while we're still able to keep a close eye on it.

I understand the social media and the not going to the park but the bedtime and pudding situation is harsh.

8 is horribly early for a 12 year old. Don’t you want to spend time with her?

Clearing plates before pudding achieves nothing useful - e.g understanding appetite, portion control and self regulation.

The social media thing I do agree with. We’ve decided DS won’t have smartphone or social media before 14.

HOWEVER

if you make the choice NOT to allow smartphones and social media, you HAVE to show kids you will give them other kinds of freedom- including freedom to make mistakes in other ways. I would reinstate the park privilege (tbh if she wants to try vaping, she’ll try it at the school, at a pals or wherever), but make it clear that it is on trust, and if she breaks the trust again, the privilege will be revoked again.

I think that's quite strict for 12, yes.

I understand the rationale for no social media, but it will limit her socially - allowing some access with monitoring would be more usual.

Insisting she has to be in her room for 8pm is also strict - there is a limit to how long you can spend reading, for example. Why can't she stay downstairs and socialise with family members?

Not allowing pudding unless your plate is cleared can cause unhealthy relationships with food.

I understand that you don't want your child to vape but letting her out without an adult indefinitely, is also overstrict.

I think you are likely to end up with a child who is outwardly compliant and hides things from you. That's not a good thing at 12, as it will only get worse as they hit teen years.

Yes, you asked. 8 is really early and by 12 they need to be starting to go out alone. She's broken the rules so after a suitable time of punishment she needs to be trusted to go out again. As for food, you are potentially creating food issues with insisting with empty plates though to be honest mine didn't get desserts on weekdays anyway!

I'm also wondering what other things you're strict about that she might be referrig to? eg what clothes she is allowed to wear? How quickly she has to be home from school? When and who she is allowed to spend time with? eg do you insist on meeting parents before sh ecan go to a friend's house? Or impose strict rules on appropriate colthing?

I have a DS so maybe a bi different but some of those are more strict than I have. My DS isn't allowed an sm except whatsapp, I'm allowed to check his phone randomly any time. He can play on his xbox every night from 6:30 to 8:30 if all chores and homework is done. He doesn't have to go up to his room til 9 tho. I think you know your dd and her friends but I would maybe time box the no park punishment. 3 strikes maybe?

If you want to put her off vaping, show her the documentary series about Juul/ big vape. It’s very stark in its warnings.

8pm room thing is early and a bit weird. My older ones love having some time downstairs with us, watching things with us on TV or playing board/card games or reading alongside us. Mine do a lot of sport/activities and none of them finish before 8!

Clearing your plate has never ever been a thing here. I don't control how much my children eat - how can I possibly know better than them how they're feeling. I just make sure I'm happy with the general spread of what their intake is and I mostly do this by offering a good variety.

I'm v boundaried around screens & social media apps but my DC seems pretty ok about it.

It's hard to judge re independence especially if she's tried vaping but you are going to have to give her more freedom as she gets older.

I can see your points on the majority of examples but 8pm room and no pudding is mean , your whole post doesn't sound like your child has a lot of fun in their life but certainly has a lot of structure and rules.

Pudding and 8pm are a bit odd.

Generally, my rules are strict around screen tim during the week and she doesn’t have any social media. I accept this is different to many of her friends, but I also feel so strongly about how harmful social media is.

What are the limits? When she's locked in her room from 8pm, can she call/text her friends?

Sorry OP, the more I'm thinking about this, the more I'm concerned that you are not just too strict, but actually harmful.

Yes you are too strict and you are not allowing your dd any independence.

Why does she have to be in her room at 8??

I think she will feel excluded if she cannot text her friends.

The pudding thing is ridiculous. At 12 she should be able to decide she has had enough and still want something for dessert.

I understand how you feel about the vaping. However at some point she will be out without you. She will make poor choices and will try things. This is to some degree part of growing up.

8pm is too early, especially as it's not when she goes to sleep, do you not want to spend time with her in the evening? Indefinitely punishing her for trying vaping is a terrible idea! How will she ever learn to make good decisions if she's never allowed to make any? And making her clear her plate before getting a pudding encourages overeating. Just don't have puddings at all ad encourage her to stop eating when she's had enough. Save puddings for an occasional treat.

8 is to early unless she has a tv or something in there?

The pudding thing is ridiculous, do you want her to have a eating disorder?

But no social media and limited screen times are an excellent idea.

You do sound strict for 12, yes. Particularly the clearing the plate thing - that’s just an invitation for an unhealthy relationship with food later. And any punishment being ‘indefinite’ is not wise in my view either - kids gonna kid, and you can’t stop the tide with punishments for ever.