Am i too strict?

[Mum2x3girls]

Really battling with my 12 year old at the moment. Constantly being told I’m too strict, and that she isn’t enjoying her childhood/ has no fun.
Generally, my rules are strict around screen tim during the week and she doesn’t have any social media. I accept this is different to many of her friends, but I also feel so strongly about how harmful social media is.
she has to be in her room at 8 (during the week) I do not push her to go to sleep, and she turns her lights out by herself, usually before I go to bed at 10pm.
She’s not allowed pudding unless she’s cleared her plate.
She’s no longer allowed to go to the park without supervision, I had allowed this, as I’d wanted to trust her to make good choices, but I found out she tried vaping, so has now had this privilege taken away- indefinitely.
she’s allowed friends over/ sleepovers when she asks and I taxi her around whenever she wants.
really interested in other parents experiences. She tells me all her friends are allowed so much more.
we’re uk based.

Yes - very strict.

Social media - Fine - but just be aware that she is getting to that age where she will be able to access it without your permission anyway, so it may be better to let her have it with parental controls and random checks in place - at least than you know what she is looking at.

Luckily my two have never really been bothered by it - eldest had Instagram from about 12 but barely used it and only got snap chat at 16 because most of her friends were using it for group chats (her choice - I would have been fine with her having it from 14ish).

Youngest (just turned 13) doesn't have SM but has asked for Insta which I will probably let her.

They've both had WhatsApp for years as it is the easiest way for us to communicate as a family and they are on various groups for their activities.

Screen time - depends on how strict? Personally it is not something I have ever limited - but at 12, I would only be limiting after a certain time at night or if they were constantly glued to it during the day.

Bed time - 8 o'clock is very early for a 12 year old. Mine would go to bed at that time (although to sleep or read for 15 mins) when they were 7 - they got 15 minutes added onto their bed time each birthday - so my 13 year old now goes up at 9:30 unless she wants to go and watch TV in her room or read - in which case she goes up earlier. I don't police what time she has to go to sleep anymore.

Park ban - an indefinite ban is not good. Punishments should be time limited rather than indefinite. Grounding her completely for two weeks (no park, no friends round, no going to friends houses) would have been better IMO.

Food - no pudding until plate is cleared can lead to very unhealthy eating habits / unhealthy food relationships (especially in a pre-teen / teenager). Unless she is only picking at her food so she can get to the sweet stuff, it is better to let her decide when she is full.

Room by 8 is over the top!
Is the plan never to allow her to go out to the park again - because thats just unrealistic!
Forcing someone to eat their dinner so they can have an ‘award’ of a pudding is just paving the way for problem eating going forward- that for me is just wrong.

Yes incredibly strict! In her room by 8pm is quite honestly ridiculous and suggests you don't want to spend any time with her. Also I genuinely thought most people knew better now about not forcing someone to clear their plate so they could have pudding.

Is that no screens at all? Or just no social
media? It’s seems extreme to make he go to her room at 8pm, but then not be allowed to watch a film

8pm seems early. My 4 year old only goes upstairs around 8-8.30pm, and he doesn’t go to sleep straight away

Food also strict. Everyone here is allowed to not like dinner and still each something else and then pudding. Or eat however much they choose and then pudding. ‘Pudding’ is yogurt/ fruit the majority of the time anyway so it’s no worse than main meal.

I think by 12 I would expect some restrictions or monitoring in terms of safety, but generally I would assume most 12 year olds are fairly independent in choosing what they do

Yes

Also “screen time” and social media are different, with different issues.

Social media - particularly apps like TikTok, YouTube and insta, where algorithms push content, are making kids incapable of engaging meaningfully with diff points of view, bombarding them with harmful content, and leaving them unable to differentiate between unreliable and reliable sources of factual content. They are increasingly clearly causing issues, esp for developing brains.

OTOH learning to use the internet as THE key tool today for research/education and communication - plus leisure etc- is really important. Your daughter needs to be able to have access to these resources, and needs to be taught to use them. My 8 yo is just starting to learn- with me and with parental controls on his chrome book- how to use the internet, send emails etc. Its as much part of being a parent in 2024, as teaching them to get dressed or make a meal.

I have a 14 year old and an 11 year old. They have devices with no screen limit as long as if I ask them to put it away or turn it down there's no fuss, and it goes on to charge at night and is left until the next morning. Any fuss and they know screen limits will be introduced.

11 year old has no social media, 14 year old got whats app this year (under protest TBH - he's not interested in gossiping with friends) - although they both have discord to talk to friends while playing games online - with the strict rule that they can only talk to people they know in real life, and their profiles must always be private.

Bedtime is 9pm for 11 year old (that's tucked in) 10pm for 14 year old, again with the no fuss proviso (so no extending out bedtime by talking to me - although that's not a problem, they both like their sleep)

Pudding only at weekends (relaxed in holidays) - and youngest has to at least try everything and eat a sensible amount of veggies (eldest is a human dustbin)

We live in the middle of no-where, so ferrying always has to happen, and his friends prefer computer gaming at each other's houses to wandering the park, so this hasn't come up.

I'd say I am more permissive in some ways, and more strict in others than other families I'm aware of.

So in total - I think you're fine.

Does she not do after school activities? DT’s didn’t do the going to the park as their evenings were taken up with homework, sports practice and music lessons

Making her stay in her room past 8pm and making her clear her plate before pudding is too strict. The latter could cause food issues. I understand why you don't want her to go to the park, but if she is going to vape she probably will anyway and end up lying to you. It's tricky, I know.

Pudding unless cleared her plate - unhealthy.
Social media I get.
Screen time to some extent.
8 is a bit early? Yr 7 or yr8..

To be honest my mum was a bit like this and I learnt to tell her nothing. Which wasn't good.
How critical are you?

I agree with this 100%. Most of your rules are sensible at 12 - the park is never a good hang out. Going to a coffee shop for a drink or to the cinema are much better options with friends. SM is an absolute scourge on our tweens and teens.

8 seems a bit early, are there not tv shows you like to watch together between 8-9?

Yes, I think you're too strict. And, as others have pointed out, some of your rules could be damaging. I'm sure you have her best interests at heart but she also needs to have some independence and learn to make mistakes. At 12, I was travelling to school every day on public transport by myself so the idea of an indefinite ban on going to the park seems bizarre to me.

Sorry but I think you are far too strict and this can be a recipe for disaster…I can see a rebellion heading your way !
No SM and No meeting friends ,means she is going to be socially isolated
My children had a far more relaxed upbringing and have never been a problem.

Yes and no, I think 8pm is quite early for a 12 year old and seems a bit mean to make her sit in her room alone.

Going to the park, I agree with you I would stop this too if I found out my DD had been vaping. But you maybe need to give her a time limit to when she can start going again?

Screen time, hard to say without knowing how much she is allowed. My DD doesn't have time limits anymore (she's nearly 14) but is not allowed on from 8.30pm on a weekday, we also have parental controls set up so can see what she is doing and she needs permission to download apps.

Pudding, yeah I don't force my DC to clear their plates but they wouldn't be allowed pudding if too full to finish dinner

I understand the no social media. However, does she have a way of communicating with her friends, whilst at home?

The no pudding, unless you finish a meal - this is quite old fashioned - my Nan used to do this with my Mum and her brother - my Mum is 79!! How about you have pudding twice a week, but she must give her main meal a good go?.

I understand why you want to stop your daughter going to the park, as she made the wrong choice. A long talk with her on the dangers of vaping, and a punishment yes, but not an indefinite one.

Why does your daughter need to go to her room at 8pm, if she's not going to bed? Don't you spend any evening time with her? Does she want to spend time in her room prior to bedtime? My son comes and goes from his bedroom. He may spend time in his room, or come to the lounge and be with my husband and I. I like him to have had his shower at a reasonable time, but he's not told he must stay in his room until lights out!

You need a balance. Otherwise you are going to be spending a lot of time at loggerheads with your daughter. Learn to pick your battles. If you don't give your daughter some freedoms, she will 100% rebel against you at some point.

I don't think you're too strict, however according to my 10 year old i'm 'the strictest mum in the whole school!' 😂

You aren’t too strict OP, in fact this is how I plan to parent my child when they are older. Right now I’m battling the constant back chatting from a 6 years old 🫣

If she's not allowed on social media at all and she's not allowed to go to the park then she will be feeling socially isolated. It's no good saying "she can have friends over whenever she likes" if all her friends are going to the park together or chatting on Snapchat. Allowing her some freedom but regulating it (checking her phone etc) is a better way forward IMO.

And making her go to her bedroom at 8 is not just strict, it's sad. Don't you want to spend time with her in the evenings?

I think you should show her the articles online of the girl who became paralysed from vaping and her interview asking teenagers not to vape.

This

I have a 12 year old. We do not allow any social media and screen time is zero except for normal messaging and calls to friends. I agree with pp the bedtime and the food rules sound off to me. Clearing your plate is not a healthy rule

Eating all the food in front of you is probably the worst thing we were ever ever taught! Eat till before you are full and know when to stop.

I have a 12 year old too,

8pm is very early. .

I've had to give in on the social Media a bit myself: we've started to look at it a bit together - I've been chatting about the algorithms and showing her stories about the pitfalls of social media.

I'm trying to keep my DD with me and influence her decisions and equip her with the skills to make her own. I think you're trying to control her and you'll push her to deceit you.

You've banned her from the park, the next time she'll make sure you don't find out.

but I found out she tried vaping, so has now had this privilege taken away- indefinitely.

Well what incentive does she have for behaving if it's indefinitely? You're risking making her rebel and do worse things than a puff on an e-cig

Setting yourself up for some rebellion issues here I would guess