Am i too strict?

[Mum2x3girls]

Really battling with my 12 year old at the moment. Constantly being told I’m too strict, and that she isn’t enjoying her childhood/ has no fun.
Generally, my rules are strict around screen tim during the week and she doesn’t have any social media. I accept this is different to many of her friends, but I also feel so strongly about how harmful social media is.
she has to be in her room at 8 (during the week) I do not push her to go to sleep, and she turns her lights out by herself, usually before I go to bed at 10pm.
She’s not allowed pudding unless she’s cleared her plate.
She’s no longer allowed to go to the park without supervision, I had allowed this, as I’d wanted to trust her to make good choices, but I found out she tried vaping, so has now had this privilege taken away- indefinitely.
she’s allowed friends over/ sleepovers when she asks and I taxi her around whenever she wants.
really interested in other parents experiences. She tells me all her friends are allowed so much more.
we’re uk based.

1. she has to be in her room at 8 (during the week) - not reasonable.
2. She’s not allowed pudding unless she’s cleared her plate. The rule with mine was that they serve themselves what they want as a first course and are then expected to eat it. This gives them some control.
3. She’s no longer allowed to go to the park without supervision. If you regard the park as being otherwise a safe space for a child of her age, as I assume you do or you would not have let her go there in the first place, I think you need to let her go again - contact with friends is very important to children of this age. She will make mistakes as part of growing up - it is a fact of life. If you make sure she knows your views on the vaping you then need to show her a bit of trust or you will have to tie her to the house forever.

Please don't force her to clear her plate

8pm in her room at 12 😂 my 10 year old has sports twice a week until 8pm. That's harsh in my opinion Op.

the rest well that's up to you

But the whole pudding thing is stupid I've never understood that but we don't do pudding in this house only on special occasions.

You sound quite controlling. I think I'm relatively strict in some ways (eg won't stand rudeness / have to do homework / don't get to go out wandering around etc etc) but in her room by 8 is just going to make her feel like a nuisance I think which is a horrible feeling.

The food thing is so out of date I'm genuinely surprised anyone still does this.

Well if they're not able to finish their dinner because they're full, they won't have room for pudding anyway!

I think its fine. The bedroom as 8 thing is presumably to get her to wind down before sleep but she has autonomy about when to actually go to sleep.

I'd be careful. Too stricked rules will possibly make her rebel In the future, and she'll end up doing some silly things.

12 is an age where they want to become more independent, its healthy and natural, you have to allow this. You can't be telling her to clean her whole plate otherwise no pudding, that is something you would tell a 5yr old.

Also, bedtime at 8? Seriously? Sounds like you're running an army camp.

She will end up resenting you. You're not respecting her, nor seeing her as a person.

Don't get the in her room for 8 and no pudding. I really think both of them are wrong. The others? Stricter than I was, but OK.

Yes.

I might say bed at 8.30pm instead of 8pm but I'm all for responsible parenting. If your DD has been vaping she clearly is not very sensible and needs strong boundaries until she learns good sense. I was strict with all my 3 DC. I did not allow a personal phone until 16th birthday and if they went anywhere they could borrow a brick phone to ring or text when they wanted collecting. As adults none of my DC smoke, vape or abuse alcohol or drugs. All have jobs and work hard. I've seen so many friend's DC make massive mistakes with smoking, drugs, addictive gambling, sexting whilst still at school and SM misuse. Some had phones from 10 and free internet access and more or less unlimited gaming which resulted in homework not being completed or handed in on time.

The most problematic thing here is an indefinite ban on going to the park. For a 12 year old that will feel like a prison sentence and it will only encourage her to behave secretively when she inevitably decides she's had enough of that particular rule.

Sounds reasonable to me op

I agree, I think there's a risk that she will rebel behind your back more as she gets older and it will negatively impact your relationship - and why does she have go to her room at 8 every night?

In her room but 8 and the forcing her to eat thing it is not the army

Yes this is plain weird

I was brought up quite strictly but this is far beyond strict. I think that you are setting yourself up for later rebellion. One of my school friends once stayed in a sort of hall of residence run by a religious order. The place was full of girls who were largely very strictly brought up, many convent educated. My friend had been "allowed" to leave home to stay here because her mother had some idea about how wholesome it would all be. Those girls were off the leash for the first time. Drunk girls were being hauled in by their friends in a paralytic state, girls were staying out all night and/or smuggling men into their rooms and so on. My children tell me similar tales about university. My mother was brought up in a mass twice on Sundays family and she ran off to New Zealand with my protestant father converting en route. Children have to grow and learn to make their own mistakes.

This ⬆️ The limited screen time and no social media seems quite reasonable to me.

You’re way too strict. I’m not surprised she doesn’t feel like she’s enjoying her childhood. I appreciate you’re trying to do right be her but it doesn’t feel like that to her now, and it likely won’t ever. At best you’ll end up in a frosty, resentful relationship when she’s older, with neither of you feeling like the other understands.

Going to her room at 8 is harsh. That's the time for chatting about the day and/or watching a programme together in our house.

Never ever and I mean never use food as a punishment! That is abusive

Is the no screen time no tv as well? No tv in the week seems too strict.

the plate clearly stuff is not good for eating habits.

Going to the park by herself - fine I actually agree with this one.

in bed by 8pm is MAD my son is 4 and goes to bed then

Very similar to how I was with my two dcs at that age (apart from the food).

dcs were in bed by 8.00pm. Simply because they were also waking up at 7.00am so clearly needed the sleep!!

in bed by 8pm is MAD my son is 4 and goes to bed then

I think that’s a really weird way of looking at things.
Not everyone needs the same amount of sleep. Some adults thrive on 4~5 hours of sleep. Others need 10. No one would say that all adults should go to bed at 11.00pm and have 7 hours of sleep!

I think it’s true with children too.
If they need 10 hours of sleep (and at that age, my dcs certainly did), then that’s what they should have. If it means going to bed at 8.00pm, then so be it.
Much more important imo than learning to constantly over ride their tiredness or that going to sleep early is ‘bad’ but going to sleep is ‘good’.
Ive seen adults thinking like that ‘oh i can’t possibly go to bed before 11.30pm’ despite being shattered abd needing more sleep - which they recognise too! What’s the point? Just go to bed when you need it!

I don’t know. Each of the rules individually are OK, but overall it all seems so fucking joyless. It has a real Evil Stepmother feel to it.

You are dismissing her feelings - she is telling you she isn’t enjoying her childhood and is having no fun. That isn’t about the individual rules, it’s about the whole vibe. You give the impression of not really enjoying being a parent very much.
What’s the bigger picture here.

Way too strict and the clearing your plate thing is absolutely horrible. One way to give her an eating disorder; seriously. Just vile. Food should be pleasurable and enjoyable. I can’t even look at mashed potato because of similar rules when I was a child. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.

My Ds is 12 and I admit I am more laid back than a lot of parents in many ways re screen time. Basically the only rule he has is that all gadgets have to be downstairs charging at 10pm. He has a gaming room downstairs next to the living room so I can hear (almost too well- the noise!) what he is up to. He’s always online chatting to friends from school.

If you are limiting social media so much your dd doesn’t have any you are going to isolate her. That is harsh but the truth. It’s how their age group interact. Far better for her to have it now and you help her navigate it than her suddenly have it at 16 and not feel able to talk to you about what she’s doing / seeing. My ds talks to me a lot about things he’s seen etc and we have discussions about it.

He is not allowed out alone. At all. But then we live rurally so meeting up with friends is a case of me dropping him off at theirs and picking him up and his friends are spread across the county (Norfolk) so that doesn’t happen a lot - they all chat online non stop.

8pm is way too early for a bedtime, or room time or whatever. Ds is up till 10pm, he comes and sits with us, we watch Tv all together and chat etc.

I’m not sure why everyone thinks 8pm is wildly early for 12 year olds. They need 9-11 hours sleep at that age so allowing for time to go to sleep and getting up at 6am for school 8pm is bang in the zone. It’s when my 12 year old goes to bed. Sleep is really important for development and the idea that staying up is some sort of rite if passage is a bit odd to me.

This. If you keep this up vaping will be the least of your worries.