Unfriendly park mums

[AmberBee34]

I’m a SAHM to my 13 month DD, and live on a quiet street with a nice park just across the road from my house. As we don’t have much of a back yard I’ve been taking her to this park several times a day. My issue is that there is a big group of parents with slightly older children who go there every afternoon and are obviously really good friends. They say hello to me and I’ve had many conversations with each of them individually, but when they are in a group they stick to themselves and will talk to me if I talk to them but then just go back to talking in the group. Sometimes they will sit around with food etc and not offer me to join in (I think I would - but I’m very conscious of ppl being by themselves etc). This is a small park so I’m starting to feel very uncomfortable and excluded and it’s now almost a year I’ve been smiling and friendly but it’s still like this. I don’t want to stop going there as it’s very convenient for me and DD but this is starting to get me down. I should add I had issues when I was growing up with bullying and I’ve also struggled to make the mum friends I was hoping to (despite making lots of effort to meet ppl etc, one of the park mums I invited for coffee but it was not reciprocated) since DD was born so I’m sure this is playing into it. Just feeling isolated and lonely and think this is all making it worse. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks x

Are the older children school age? It doesn't sound as if these mums are being nasty, just not including you as you would like? I doubt they've even thought about it tbh, they probably don't imagine you want to join in. I'd just stay friendly & polite and perhaps avoid that park at the time they usually go.

Do you have friends? Is there a reason you want mum friends in particular?

I think this is one of these times you really have to take some brave pills and put yourself out there. Easier said than done I know.
You said yourself they all take individually so hopefully they will be friendly.
Could it maybe be because your dd is younger so you are shadowing her more that makes them think you might not sit down?

It would be nice if they included you but it seems like they're not going to start now. Could you look into other ways to meet mums rather than carry on trying with this particular group? Do you take DD to any baby classes?

It sounds like the times they are all there, they’ve arranged to meet up and go there and take snacks/picnic. I wouldn’t expect to be invited to join that just because you happen to be in the park at the same time. Especially if their children are older (are they going after school?) they are likely an established group.

The park isn’t the easiest place to make friends really. People don’t stay long in the winter and you’re always chasing around after your own children. I’d go to playgroups or toddler classes where there’s more likely to be children of your DC’s age. It’s always easier to meet people when you have children of the same age.

I’m interested in meeting mum friends as I had my DD mid forties so all my friends are back at work and with much older kids. I don’t have any family around (except my partner, and he works long hours), so I’m feeling a bit lonely and socially isolated. I take DD out every day to classes, parks etc and have just started playgroup, and I’ve met loads of mums but no one I’ve “clicked” with. I’m not diagnosed but I’m pretty sure I’ve got social anxiety (I had a narcissistic mother which didn’t help me to feel good about myself), so I just struggle with the whole thing. After a year it’s just getting me down a bit now. I struggle with spending so much time with just DD and then to be ignored etc at the park it just isn’t helping and I’m wondering if I’m better off avoiding it.

I think you’re being a bit oversensitive, it won’t be anything personal to you, especially as you’ve talked individually, but if they’ve arranged a meet up you can’t expect to be included, especially if your dc is much younger - surely you don’t really have chance to stand and chat anyway with a 13 month old?

Oh im sorry that you are feeling left out but very kindly I'm not sure you can expect to be invited to join in on their play date.
They are obviously an established group of friends with kids the same age who meet up regularly.
If you are looking to make friends then perhaps a toddle group/activity might be a better idea?

I think this is an established group of friends having meet ups. It's not the done thing to try and crash them - it would be like seeing a group of mums at a cafe and being sad that they don't invite you to join them.

I would persist with trying different playgroups and classes until you find your people, it can take time. It took me a really long time to find my mum friends.

Are you in any local WhatsApp groups or Facebook parents groups?

I have seen a couple of people on there post to say "trying to make more parent friends - anyone interested in.."

Are they school age? If they aren’t and as the child get older and go to nursery/mum’s work etc I doubt it’ll stay as regular everyday thing. But I wouldn’t not go because of it if I were you. It doesn’t sound like they are excluding you on purpose - just that they are a group of friends who meet up. Just carry on playing like you would normally or go over to them when they’re all together if you want to!

So they have probably arranged to meet at a set time or prearranged a meet up, they are there as a group so you are local and assume you can just join in and if does not work the way you have decided you are labelling them unfriendly?

I get you are lonely but don't put this on to them that just makes you rude

Join groups or find other ways to make friends

Sounds like they've all arranged to meet up together and brought food for that. I think it's rude of you to expect to be offered food

Thanks everyone. The kids are mostly arojnd the 3-4 mark so can play more independently than mine. I don’t expect to become a part of the group and I get that this is an established group of friends, it’s just that it’s awkward for me to be excluded like this on a regular basis and in such a small park !

Do you have any of your own friends or are you hoping to make friends via your DD? I'm sorry you are feeling lonely and isolated, it is hard especially if your partner isn't around much.

I was a SAHM for 4 years, I didn't make any mum friends via groups or anything, just casual acquaintances to say hi to during baby groups but nothing deeper. That was ok for me though, i didn't want more than that so perhaps the people you are meeting feel the same?

I will say I've made friends with a few mums since my kids have started school, perhaps the park mums have kids in the same school and aren't deliberately being mean or excluding you, its just they have that in common?

Why do you expect a group of established friends meeting up at the park to include you as a random person and make friends with you? Would you expect that if you went to the same bar every week? To the gym? Would you pitch up at a restaurant where a group were having a meal and expect to join their table and become friends with them? They aren't unfriendly, they are socialising with their friends!

No it's not! Either sit on a bench or engage with your kid and do your own thing. After you've done the nod smile and saying hi there is no expectation of any interaction so it's not awkward. Only you are imagining it's awkward.

They aren't excluding you they just aren't including you.

You are not being excluded you are just at the same place and time as them

@AmberBee34 They are a group of friends meeting in a park with their children and a picnic.
You are not being ignored.
It's a public place.
Engage with your child or sit on a bench.
You are really overthinking this!

I was probably one of those mums. Used to meet most days after morning playgroup with our pre schoolers. Take lunch to the park if weather was OK.
I don’t think they’re being unfriendly. It’s just that their children will all be playing together and they’ll be distracted trying to snatch conversation whilst watching their children. Wouldn’t have occurred to me to offer food to a baby and mum at the park although we’d be friendly.
Is there a drop in playgroup at a local church or something where you can meet parents with similar aged children? I used to run one and made sure to introduce people and try and make it inclusive.

From what you have described I see it as friends meeting at the park who happen to be there at the same time as you. If you were out doing an activity with friends would you invite a person you didn't know who happened to be attending separately to join you.?

You would probably have more luck making mum friends at a play group where often people attend singularly.

I agree with everyone else, this is an established friendship group who want to spend time with each other. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

All you can do is be as friendly as you can. If you get the chance open the conversation by asking them for help or advice. But try and 'read' the situation, if they're closing down conversation accept that and try again another time.

youre not being excluded, you need to get that out of your head. They have to obligation to include you, you’re just another person in the park.

you need to move on from this - they are friends and you’re a stranger, just either get over it and continue being in the park at the same time as them or start going at a different time/different park.

do you have any plans to send your child to nursery/go back to work? I made nursery mum friends and also having mum friends became less important when I went back to work part time. You could also try joining something like Peanut to find like minded mums.

i wouldn’t say I have any close mum friends as yet but I don’t really mind, it might come later when my child is school age but tbh I’m not massively bothered. On my day off with my son I actually love just having 1-1 time with him and doing what we want to do without trying to hold conversations at the same time x

Sorry op but I'm going to echo other posters. They're not unkind or unfriendly. They are a group of friends who have arranged to meet. The fact you expect to be invited to join their picnic is absolutely insane!

It's not awkward. None of them think it's awkward that you're at the same park at the same time. Parks aren't places where everyone there has to be engaged in the same conversation. It's simply a public space for everyone to use, both you on your own with your child and this group of friends who have specifically arranged a meet up. Like other posters have said, this is akin to eating in a restaurant and you getting offended that another group of people don't ask you to join them at their table

You need to find your own group of friends, not try to force your way into this group. As pp, try posting on a local FB group asking if anyone has a similar aged child and is keen to make friends. I've replied to loads of similar messages over the years as I hate the idea of a mum feeling isolated and I know how hard it can be to meet other mums

Maybe it would help to try to work on your mindset around situations like this. As others have said, it's not that they are excluding or ignoring you, it sounds like they are fairly friendly and polite but that they are an established group of friends who have planned to meet up. I wouldn't expect to be invited into a situation like that. You'll maybe stand a better chance of meeting people at playgroup or else try the Peanut app or posting on local social media groups. I've done that in the past asking if anyone with similar aged children fancied meeting up to get them out and playing together and have been inundated with offers to meet up from women in a similar position.

And for all you know they might feel awkward too. I have social anxiety and the worst is when people assume you're being rude.