Unfriendly park mums

[AmberBee34]

I’m a SAHM to my 13 month DD, and live on a quiet street with a nice park just across the road from my house. As we don’t have much of a back yard I’ve been taking her to this park several times a day. My issue is that there is a big group of parents with slightly older children who go there every afternoon and are obviously really good friends. They say hello to me and I’ve had many conversations with each of them individually, but when they are in a group they stick to themselves and will talk to me if I talk to them but then just go back to talking in the group. Sometimes they will sit around with food etc and not offer me to join in (I think I would - but I’m very conscious of ppl being by themselves etc). This is a small park so I’m starting to feel very uncomfortable and excluded and it’s now almost a year I’ve been smiling and friendly but it’s still like this. I don’t want to stop going there as it’s very convenient for me and DD but this is starting to get me down. I should add I had issues when I was growing up with bullying and I’ve also struggled to make the mum friends I was hoping to (despite making lots of effort to meet ppl etc, one of the park mums I invited for coffee but it was not reciprocated) since DD was born so I’m sure this is playing into it. Just feeling isolated and lonely and think this is all making it worse. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks x

They aren't being awkward, and sound as if they are perfectly happy to say hi. They just don't want to do the process of actually making friends with you.

They don't want to do this because your child is too young. If they meet up with parents of other preschoolers, they entertain each other and the parents get a break. If they meet up with you, their child gets bored, and they spend the whole time saying "be gentle with the baby".

Keep going to the park and saying hi / having a bit of small talk, but find other toddler parents to be friends with.

I do understand this - I have two children myself and the youngest is about 10 months older than your dd, so I haven't long been out of this stage. I'm also a stay at home parent. I just think you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone. Stick a snack or toy with her on a walk and she will enjoy it more than she did. I appreciate she likes the park but it's lovely to do other things to break up the day too. Even as a SAHP my whole day isn't spent doing things to entertain the children, I still need to run errands with them tagging along.

@prospectivenhs thanks but not sure why you’ve read from my messages that we only do parks ? We go for walks, shopping’ music classes, swimming, playgroup… with respect I wasn’t looking for advice about how to spend my time, but about how to handle a group of mums. And of course we need to do chores too. Thanks anyway.

What people are saying is that there’s no need at all to ‘handle’ them. You seem to be the only one who perceives ‘awkwardness’. The rest of them say hello and have an occasional chat but presumably don’t see that there’s any cause for awkwardness’. If it’s too awkward for you, all you can do is go to this park at times when they’re not there, or reframe your thinking.

I wouldn't bother trying to be friends with this group of women tbh. It doesn't sound like they are actively excluding you but they already have a friendship group and they have children of a similar age who presumably get along, your child will be too young to play with them and you'll always feel like the outsider.
If their children are 3/4 presumably they will be starting school in August/September? So then the group won't be there anyway. And school does change things a lot.

Just keep making small talk or whatever if you see them at the park. And hopefully some new children, younger or closer to your DD's age will start going to the park soon, whose parents aren't in an established group and you can make friends with them instead.

I felt quite lonely when my DC were little and really wanted to make friends, but it never really 'clicked'. Then once my children were at nursery/school it was much easier to make friends - the kids do it for you!

I really do empathise with feeling lonely, but I think you need to take the advice on board from this thread. I know you've said you've had individual conversations with these women but it seems you've put more emphasis on these conversations than they have and to them it's probably just polite conversation in a park. This is an established group of friends who have children the same age. They'll have got to know one another on a personal level and their catch ups will reflect this. You don't have any right to demand what they speak about or that they change their conversation to include you. They are perfectly entitled to meet up and speak about what they want. There isn't any awkwardness here from what I can see.

You've made a few references to having an unhappy childhood, narcisstic mother and also struggling at being at home, feeling isolated and spending so much 1:1 time with your child. There's nothing wrong with feeling like this, in fact it's the reason I couldn't hack being a SAHM and hightailed it back to work full time as soon as I could.

I may be out if line saying this but you don't need to devote yourself to your daughter 24/7 while sacrificing your own needs and wellbeing at the same time to give your daughter a secure and happy childhood. I'm not convinced a mother that is socially isolated and is struggling and unhappy at times is anyone's best interests. Focusing on this group of mums just isn't healthy. Honestly it sounds like a few days at work and your daughter in some sort of childcare sounds like it would be beneficial for you both and lead you less isolated and another focus on your life. Alternatively some sort of counselling to help with your social anxiety and feelings of struggles.

But if you are so busy doing all these other things, why are you giving the park situation so much headspace? Kindly, those mums in the park you are tying yourself in mental knots about likely don't give you a second thought when you are not there, and when you are there you are just on the periphery of their awareness too. I guarantee that in a years time you will wonder why you even cared about this situation..

Op, out of curiosity why did you start the thread? It is clear you’re not moving from your position and not heading the replies. So what is the point.

it appears no matter how many times you’re told there is nothing to handle, the awkwardness is only yours, they are doing nothing wrong, their behaviour is normal, you will not accept it.

you’re clearly entrenched and rather obsessed with these women and wanting to be with them, it honestly isn’t healthy. I understand being lonely and yearning to join in, but you’re not being rational or listening. Maybe for your own mental health you need to go to a different park.

Once your child is at school, you will have groups of mums standing around chatting and ignoring you all the time, there will be parties you're not invited to, etc. Sadly, because you were bullied at school and with a narcissistic parent, you're probably quite susceptible to be feeling excluded, even when you're not. You need to repeatedly remind yourself that you feel like this because x y z and that people are not deliberately excluding or trying to being mean. I'm a lot tougher now my children are older and I've navigated my way through the baby groups, park, school runs/ pick up etc.

It sounds like your child is very young so I would try out a few more baby groups and see if you can arrange to meet some of the mums where the children are of a similar age.

Then why do you care so much about random strangers?

Just enjoy your time with your daughter. You'll pass hundreds of people every day. They're not giving you a second thought just because they so happened to have also given birth to a child.

theres a difference between being excluded and not being included, you’re the latter. These women don’t know you, you’re a stranger so how are they excluding you?
if you saw a neighbour in a bar and they didn’t invite you to join them would that be excluding you? No it wouldn’t and this is no different.

as your kids gets older and starts to form their own friendships it’ll get easier. You don’t need park mum friends, as long as they’re polite and not frosty x

You are very fixated on these women OP!

I live on an estate with a small park. I would occasionally meet a friend there. We both live on the same estate but actually met properly at playground when another neighbour introduced us. Our friendship wasn't formed at the park but through other situations. The fact we have children of the same age is what maintained the friendship. The neighbour that introduced us is not someone I keep in touch with now, she moved a few streets away and her child is slightly older. We stop and speak if we bump into each other, but don't engage in a full on conversation. Sometimes we might have all been in the park together when the children were younger and this would have been through a message saying we were popping up to the park if anyone wanted to join us. These women sound similar.

We rarely go to the park now as my children are a bit big for a small park but sometimes we do and there might be other small groups there. I don't feel awkward not being included, it's just how it is!

I'm very social and outgoing but work really long hours so never really met other parents at nursery or at school. My son's in Y3 and I have a couple of mum friends I've randomly fallen across but it's taken a long time and work
But I have had success on the peanut app for parents :)
Good luck!