Unfriendly park mums

[AmberBee34]

I’m a SAHM to my 13 month DD, and live on a quiet street with a nice park just across the road from my house. As we don’t have much of a back yard I’ve been taking her to this park several times a day. My issue is that there is a big group of parents with slightly older children who go there every afternoon and are obviously really good friends. They say hello to me and I’ve had many conversations with each of them individually, but when they are in a group they stick to themselves and will talk to me if I talk to them but then just go back to talking in the group. Sometimes they will sit around with food etc and not offer me to join in (I think I would - but I’m very conscious of ppl being by themselves etc). This is a small park so I’m starting to feel very uncomfortable and excluded and it’s now almost a year I’ve been smiling and friendly but it’s still like this. I don’t want to stop going there as it’s very convenient for me and DD but this is starting to get me down. I should add I had issues when I was growing up with bullying and I’ve also struggled to make the mum friends I was hoping to (despite making lots of effort to meet ppl etc, one of the park mums I invited for coffee but it was not reciprocated) since DD was born so I’m sure this is playing into it. Just feeling isolated and lonely and think this is all making it worse. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks x

Thank you @Everleybear, the childcare issue and going back to work is something I struggle with a lot. I’m considering getting a babysitter a few mornings a week as a compromise until she’s two, it definitely doesn’t feel right to parent in isolation especially now the sense of being chained to the house for naps is starting to change.

And thanks everyone for the thoughtful replies. I’ll keep being friendly but focus on finding friends elsewhere. Thank you x

I don't think you need to feel awkward. I can see that they might not want to pursue a "park mum" friendship as your child is so much younger, so the kids probably won't want to play together.

Something to look for locally if there is anything is stuff you can do with your DD which is more for you - near us there is a singing group which is for mums but the babies come along too and play with toys around the hall. There is also a playgroup that has a yoga session - again the kids play while the mums do yoga right next to them. And a belly dancing session too

Being a SAHM can be really isolating and finding ways to do something for you that doesn't necessarily involve childcare might help.

Also near us are a couple of classes which have built in social time - so baby/toddler class with a cup of tea time afterwards - which might be nice.

As everyone has said, they aren't doing anything wrong. Parks are just public spaces, like supermarkets or restaurants or something. You wouldn't go to the same cafe as someone and expect to join them.

Baby/toddler groups can be better for making mum friends IME. I went to one at a church and made some friends. Go to the ones with mainly mums and not childminders though as childminders tend to be too busy to make friends and/or know the other childminders already. Things like paid classes are good too and it tends to be mums at those.

I was a sahm till my youngest started preschool and it can be quite lonely, so I totally empathise. But you don't tend to make friends in parks ime

I really don’t get this. They don’t know you, your baby doesn’t play with their older children, they aren’t being anything other than polite to you, it’s sort of weird to suggest they are being mean or rude because they’re chatting to their friends and having snacks/coffee etc.

Also if the only thing you think you have in common is having a child, having a barely 1 year old vs a 4 year old isn’t really even that similar!

They are not excluding you though, they are just not including you which is a different thing. They are in a public place and are under no obligation to include other random people that happen to be there - mums seems to be held to a higher expectation of inclusivity than anyone else.

Sounds like they are polite and friendly towards you and that should be enough. You feeling awkward is all on you - I mean this kindly, have you thought about getting some help with your self-esteem issues. Also have a google of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and see if that resonates.

Say hello do you mind if I join you, and chat about something,

I’m sorry OP, I know this phase can be really isolating and making new friends is difficult.

But I do think you need to think differently about this. They’re not excluding you, you are not totally without social interaction, you said yourself they’re happy to chat individually and smile and say hi. I can imagine myself in this group - if I’ve met friends at the playground (which only happened for me once the kids were at primary), I’ll say hi to someone I don’t know, I’ll aim to be generally nice and friendly, maybe say “oh your daughter’s coat is so cute” but then I’ll go back to asking my friend how her house sale or job hunt or whatever is going, and it wouldn’t occur to me that the person we don’t know would feel actively excluded by that.

The places I made friends with other mums were - NCT group, Primary mums (walking together, stopping at playground after school), and someone actively posting on Facebook “I have a toddler and no friends, would anyone like to meet up” which got a group of four of us together.

Just to clarify - I’m pretty sure this group met at the park, as we all live very close to each other, not at daycare, groups etc. however obviously they have all been going to this park with their kids much longer than me and had much longer to get to know each other.

Gently, OP (because loneliness on an extended maternity leave is miserable — I went back to work early because I hated it), they’re not ‘excluding’ you, and it’s pretty entitled to think they are. They’re polite, and reply if you talk to them, so they’re not ‘ignoring’ you. Your own memories of bullying are affecting you here. If their presence in the parks makes you feel so uncomfortable, surely just avoid it when they’re there, and seek friends elsewhere.

Maybe they did, but that's unusual. Like making a good friend on a commuter train or something. You wouldn't expect to make friends with random people at a park, but of course it occasionally happens

And their kids are wildly different ages to yours. I’d say that was the main factor.

Op, I’m sorry but why is that relevant. You cannot seriously be thinking as you also go to thr park you’re entitled to join?

You’re not being excluded you’re just not one of their friends

Are they at the park for hours each day? Of you live close to it surely just look out the window and go at times they aren't there.

Maybe try the baby groups at your local library? We did these with our little grandson - he loved it and the mums were welcoming and chatty - I'm sure you could make a few like-minded friends that way. It's more relaxing too as an environment. My husband ended up being Santa!!!!

I go to a similar small park on a road of terrace houses. It's literally a pair of swings, two picnic benches next to each other and a little climbing frame/slide. I don't think people are understanding how 'with' other people you are in such a small park!

Assuming yours in the same style I actually think it's rude of them to take it over, and if I was in a large group I'd invite a straggler, as it's not like they can make space or go elsewhere, it's just awkward!

For what it's worth I think you're very brave to withstand it and stay friendly :)

Is there a local Facebook mums page? People post on ours wanting to make connections but it's always too vague and fizzles out. I'd suggest posting 'I am at this awkward small park with 13 month old at this time on this day, would anybody like to join us?'

That’s not relevant? No matter how they met the core component of their group is that their kids are the same age and play together. Your child is ~2 years younger!!

Oh I miss being a park mum.

in your shoes I’d look to connect with others who might be on their own or struggling. Infiltrating a group can be hard, but not impossible so if you and Dc enjoy the park just carry on, maybe take a big flask of tea and offer to share.

the library can be good too, if there are singalongs and story times.

I am not the most confident really but having small DC helped because you can approach others with this commonality. When your kids
are massive teens you can’t talk to random women anymore 🤣

@MaroonyBalloony Assuming yours in the same style I actually think it's rude of them to take it over

They aren’t taking over the part by just existing.

But if they all live so closely they are probably also going to the same groups/nursery etc so their friendships have solidified outside of the park too. I’m sure their lives involve much more than just seeing each other at the park. In any case it doesn’t really matter how they met.

Honestly as much as I empathise with loneliness and feelings being intensified, I do think you need to let your feelings towards this group of mums go. I find it quite hard to believe that a group of mums have become friends at a park. This would mean them all having to be at the same park at the same time which seems hard to believe. I'm more inclined to believe they met a group or nursery. But nonetheless they aren't under any obligation for you to join them. Your children aren't even the same age.

I think you need to work on your own social isolation and not rely on this group of mums you don't know to alleviate it .

I see this a lot on MN- people invest a lot in having 'mum' friends. The thing is that my 'mum' friends ended up being friends whether we would have had kids or not, it just also so happens we have kids the same age. So my advice is to cultivate your pre-kids' friendships and make sure you maintain them. Your friends with older kids will be at a different stage but can always offer advice if you need to.
Remember its very artificial to make friends with people just because you have kids the same age- so there has to be something a bit deeper beneath that.