Unfriendly park mums

[AmberBee34]

I’m a SAHM to my 13 month DD, and live on a quiet street with a nice park just across the road from my house. As we don’t have much of a back yard I’ve been taking her to this park several times a day. My issue is that there is a big group of parents with slightly older children who go there every afternoon and are obviously really good friends. They say hello to me and I’ve had many conversations with each of them individually, but when they are in a group they stick to themselves and will talk to me if I talk to them but then just go back to talking in the group. Sometimes they will sit around with food etc and not offer me to join in (I think I would - but I’m very conscious of ppl being by themselves etc). This is a small park so I’m starting to feel very uncomfortable and excluded and it’s now almost a year I’ve been smiling and friendly but it’s still like this. I don’t want to stop going there as it’s very convenient for me and DD but this is starting to get me down. I should add I had issues when I was growing up with bullying and I’ve also struggled to make the mum friends I was hoping to (despite making lots of effort to meet ppl etc, one of the park mums I invited for coffee but it was not reciprocated) since DD was born so I’m sure this is playing into it. Just feeling isolated and lonely and think this is all making it worse. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks x

This was true for me, especially before my dcs started primary school. Even though we had to move away from friends for work, my closest friends were old friends. Some of us also had children of a similar age which was nice.

Now mine are both at school, we end up hanging out with mums from school but only with the kids tbf. I can't imagine going out on a night out with them tbh

You're not being excluded. This is a group of established friends who have their own older children who play together. They don't want to play with a 13 month old.

Either just go up and start talking to them and see what happens, or focus on making friends elsewhere and start your own park meet ups.

Thanks @MaroonyBalloony thats exactly it with the size of the park etc. My question was not how should I make friends with or “infiltrate” this group as some ppl have implied, but how I should handle the perceived awkwardness of the situation.

Like I’ve said previously, there are other parks to go to however this one is most convenient as it’s across the road. On days when I just can’t be bothered with it though I do take my DD to a different park.

But it is only awkward in your head as you want to and feel entitled to join them and feel upset that they are not inviting you like you wish.

im not actually sure you’re moving from your initial position, you genuinely seem to think you’re being excluded and should be included, that you’re entitled to this. No matter how many people tell you you are not, you seem to be still thinking this.

if you feel awkward when you see groups of friends together and feel entitled to join them simply as you’re in the same location at the same time, then you need to address this, as genuinely this isn’t about the women, it’s about you and what’s going on in your head. Maybe it’s time to go back to work if being a sahm has you like this. It’s only you who is suffering.

it doesn’t matter if it’s the park, a coffee shop, a bar, or a gym class, you are simply not entitled to join any random group of friends you see, and they are not excluding you if they don’t invite you. Honestly for your sake you need to accept that these women are allowed to be friends and get together, just like any other group of friends, and you are not entitled to join any group of friends you see.

Op, do you see them and deliberately go when they are there? Or keep going to try to be there when they are?

I don’t feel entitled to be friends with this group of people at all. What I’m saying is that I’ve seen them multiple days of the week for almost a year now and spoken individually to each member of the group on many occasions, and I don’t understand why when they are in a group they are not exactly inclusive with their conversation. Having conversations in the same small space is different from wanting or expecting to be friends, which I do not.

So what is it you want from them, exactly?

If you're going back to work when your DC is 2 then I wouldn't bother trying to make friends. It's only a few months. Then she can make friends at nursery and you might make some mum friends but equally you will probably find that friends are too hard to maintain

If you don’t expect to be friends with them, then I don’t really see why you would want to chat to them?

Friendship groups with children the same age are common and they probably don’t realise you are feeling excluded, I don’t think it would cross my mind if I was out with friends and saw someone with a younger child - I’d just nod and say hi and carry on with my conversation. It doesn’t sound like they are purposely excluding you.

When are you back to work? I found it so much easier when I went back. You’ll meet parents at drop off and pick up and your children will be the same age so it’s a lot easier.

So now you want them to forgo the catch up they’ve arranged with each other, to instead make banal small talk with you? When your child is at a totally different life stage so there isn’t even overlap there… I don’t get why you want that. Or expect it from them. You need to accept that they’re friends and leave them to it. Go to the park when it suits you but stop giving these women who just coincidentally happen to be in a public place at the same time as you, any headspace.

As an aside, you might have more luck with mums who have children close in age to yours, or at least a starting point for some chit chat, and they’re probably not going to hanging around the playground a lot- I can’t say it’s something I did particularly frequently when my DC were barely 1 and not yet able to use the play equipment. I would try playgroups or classes specifically for under 2s.

I’ve spoken to each member of this group individually on many occasions and with one in particular at depth about parenting/life etc. however when I see them in the group, I get a hello and a nod but that is it. Feels weird to me.

Op. Honestly I’m trying to be polite, but how can you not understand. Is there a back story? Are you NT. they do not include you as you are not their friend, you are just a random woman who happens to be in the park at the same time. How can you not understand being in the same location does not entitle you to be included?

Honestly OP, I'm finding it hard to see now what you're on-going issue with. This is obviously a group of women who have some shared (albeit history probably) who know each other on a personal level and have established relationships with each other and as a group. Without sounding harsh, you are a stranger at a park they have polite conversation with. You can't expect to be invited to join a group of women with children who are all friends and of a different age.

I think you need to let this go and if it bothers you this much, go to a different park. It isn't healthy to let this consume you so much. These women are not responsible for alleviating your loneliness.

I used to roll my eyes at these sorts of threads, completely on the side of the "it's not about you" posts.
But I recently went and stayed with my parents, and I took my son to their local swimming pool while I was there. I had lovely, low key, ordinary friendly interactions with four other parents while we were swimming.
When I got back to my parents' place I burst into tears. I was so overwhelmed by the feeling of good interactions with other mums and dads, and it constrasts SO starkly with the territorial glares I get from parents at my local swimming pool if my little one dares to inch too close to their personal lane space.
@AmberBee34 I don't know why different places and spaces develop different mum cultures. But they do. And some spaces have awful, unfriendly cultures. It's not about you. There are places out there where mums and dads are just ordinary and low key in their interactions, and being kind and generous and expansive in your interactions with someone who isn't your BFF isn't a weird anathema. Unfortunately you and I don't live near those places. Feel your sadness about it, and let it go as best you can, would be my advice.

@LilyBartsHatShop thanks so much … you get it x

Is your mum in NI by any chance? I also notice the difference but since I live here in the south east England now, I've had to learn to adjust 🤷‍♀️

I'm in Australia - but mum is from NI. We used to love visiting, couldn't get out of the airport without someone helping us out and welcoming us in.
I wonder if mum has managed to find herself a little pocket of Australia that's culturally similar to NI?

OP I don't think you need to even acknowledge these people when you see them at the park. A nod at best if someone nods at you first but there is a huge developmental gap between your child's age and their own. If they've gone for a catch up or moan, they want to talk to friends who are in a similar position age wise and that is just the way it is. You aren't being excluded but have no reason to expect any kind of inclusion either. Most mum friends meet at baby or toddler groups. Perhaps they met at the park, perhaps some were NCT friends and the group increased in size over time. You never know and you need to stop giving it time in your head.

For what it's worth, it sounds as though you are bored shitless going to the same park multiple times per day and are looking for adult conversation to distract you from where you are. Lay off the park for a bit and just go for an afternoon walk with your dd in the stroller. At her age, she's learning lots from just looking out at the world and having you chatting along to her.

Knew it 😂

We norn irish are like that. But it simply isn't the same in other parts of the country. The mums aren't being unkind - it would be seen as unusual in the London area to be as friendly as people are in NI. I got myself into trouble once by saying hello to everyone on my walk to the train station in the mornings and one guy assumed I was hitting on him which was a little awkward as I was happily married 😬

I don't know where op is or is from obviously

@prospectivenhs thanks for your advice but my little one loves the park and not so much the stroller atm. I go for her.

And yes, maybe parts of Oz are similar to NI. Not London though. It isn't that people aren't as nice, they're just different. The best part of living near London is that you don't usually offend anyone by keeping yourself to yourself. In NI, you'd be called "pig ignorant" if you weren't friendly enough 🤣- that's a bit of an exaggeration but not far off where I'm from

Do you do baby or play groups? You might be more likely to meet Mums with similar age DC there. In all honesty the Mum friends will come with school in my opinion. As you're forced to spend lots of time making small talk at the endless kids parties. But they tend to drift once DC are older. Keeping up your own friendships separate to your DC is more important.

But she is having pleasant low key interactions. These women aren’t sitting glaring at Her, the op doesn’t want what she has, the low key interaction, she wants to join their group and be included in their group when they get together, it is very different to what yoy posted,

When you have small children it's often easier to connect/ hang out with people whose kids are the same age as yours.

It would be lovely if you could find other friends with same age kids, then meet them at the park and you would not feel excluded!

As pp said try to find playgroups / toddler classes where you can meet same stage parents.

It takes a while, there are normally a lot of people I don't click with before I find one I do.