3 week old inconsolable; DH disappointed he ‘doesn’t have more of a bond by now’

[snappyfishe]

We’ve had a terrible row this afternoon and I have a massive headache now.

DS is 3.5 weeks old and for the past few days has been much more unsettled. DH hasn’t been able to have any hugs or cuddles because when he’s holding him, he just cries and only settles if he’s feeding on me. It’s been really tiring. (He won’t be put down to sleep either.)

I can see DH has started to feel like a bit of a spare part, and earlier he said that he thought he would have more of a bond with DS by now, meaning that he would be able to be soothed by him. I said look he’s only 3 weeks old and just wants feeding. DS then needed a nappy change and DH asked if I wanted to do it as if he did it, it would just lead to DS becoming very upset. I then said something along the lines of it felt as if DH was checking out of becoming a dad.

DH got very hurt, told me it was one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever said to him. I got very upset. DH said we’re both feeling demotivated but for opposite reasons - DS won’t settle on him which feels awful for DH; DS will only settle on me which is exhausting for me. He added that he feels as though it’s okay for me to get upset but he feels as though he’s not able to feel upset or down. He added that we both need to be kind to each other.

It was a horrible row and now it’s tainted everything. When do things start to get better?

Dh needs to get over 'being hurt'.

It's not about him. It's about your newborn baby.

It gets better at different times with different babies. You both need to be patient with each other and you DH needs to stop being so sensitive. It’s tough looking after a small baby. It’s a thankless task really but I promise it will get better as the months go by.

TBH what you said was really hurtful but then you are both exhausted by a new baby.

Equally your DH is unrealistic thinking a brand new baby is going to want anyone other than mum.

Suggest both of you take a few minutes to calm down and have a look at the fourth trimester.

Ultimately this baby is going to be alive a long time and there are weeks, months and years ahead for him to bond in but at the moment the best thing your DH can do is support you.

You might find by the time your son is two they might only want Daddy.. its completely unpredictable.
Your DS has an unrealistic expectation that she would be fully bonded by 3.5 weeks and needs to allow it more time. He's allowed to feel hurt and you're allowed to feel exhausted. You're both adjusting to being a family of 3 now.
Is there anyway he can take charge of things like nappy changes and bath times, he's got to persevere with it, your son will eventually settle with him if he keeps trying.

My husband had a really up and down relationship with our baby to start with. I actually started a thread at the time here
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/postnatalclubs/4753718-husband-post-natal-depression
It was really hard and I solo'd a lot for the first 6 months and then the 6 months after that was up and down, good days and bad. From a year old they've had a great relationship and he definitely finds the toddler years easier (she's 20 months now). That probably all sounds like a long time for you but it feels a distant memory now.

You’ll both be really tired, it doesn’t make for positive communication. His feelings are understandable, but yes he will have to get used to not feeling equally capable of soothing the baby. Just keep trying to encourage each other and be a team.

It's so hard when you're sleep deprived. What you said was very hurtful and unwarranted. It's not helpful for him to have a go at you in return.

Your DH needs some perspective, it's been 3 weeks and it's normal for babies to be attached to mum for a while yet.

You're both adjusting to a massive life change and he's right that you're both allowed to find it hard. It is really hard but it does get easier.

Your DH has unrealistic expectations of how a dad will bond with a 3 week old baby. The baby will naturally want his mum, that's just nature as you are the source of milk and has been growing inside you. Your DH can help by supporting you not being over sensitive. You have just had a baby and will be exhausted, not to mention hormones at this stage. He will no doubt bond with his son as the weeks go on. It's not nice of him to make you feel bad about it.

To explain why I said what I did, since DS has become more unsettled over the last few days I had noticed little things like DH not talking to or ‘ssh’ing him when trying to soothe him. As though he was going through the motions with him but not really wanting to do it.

I’m just so tired, I never meant to insult DH.

I'm guessing you are EBF your little one OP? This does make it harder for a new Dad to bond I think but in time as pps have said that will change.

What you said to him was hideous. But yo he just had a baby so he needs to deal with it. Not sure if I'd be super quick to forgive you for that though

Dear God he needs to grow up. It is a tiny baby that knows absolutely nothing except your smells and the sounds of your voices and being hungry or tired or uncomfortable. It isn't rejecting him as a person or dad ffs. You smell like food. It has been in your body for 9 months and knows your voice and your heartbeat. He should just buckle down and do the work and focus on making life easier for you while you are the one who is being demanded. Being involved and the baby hearing his voice and smelling him will lead to a bond eventually.

First of all, congratulations on your new baby!

As others have said, you are both tired and stressed, and tempers are bound to be frayed.

You are right at the beginning of getting breastfeeding established and there will be times when DS is wants to feed more. From what I remember it took about 12 weeks with both of mine before it all settled down.

Your DH needs to understand that you are going to be DS's primary carer for now, but maybe you could allow him to develop his own ways of soothing and acting with the baby and not be correcting him if he's not doing it the way you would. Encourage him do nappy changes and bath times and any other times that you don't need really close physical contact.

He has just said that he has realised he has only ever held DS when he is either sleeping or crying, and that he has had no time with him when he is awake but not sleeping or crying. He said he doesn’t know any other baby who is like this. I replied that he doesn’t know any other baby?! And that using our nephews as an example doesn’t really work when we would only see them for a couple of hours every couple of months.

I explained that I too only see DS asleep, crying or feeding. That at this age it is too young to expect him to be awake and alert/ready for interaction. (Isn’t it?)

Now it seems DH thinks something is wrong with our baby and continues to appear shortchanged that he is ‘only’ holding him when he is crying or sleeping.

He needs to get over himself, pronto. Ours was just the same for the first nine months or so, DH felt like a spare part, so he did the house stuff, cooked, did the stuff I couldn't.

I think you need to stop taking offense at everything your husband is saying.

He is an anxious new parent, just like you. But one who hasn't had 9months to learn to nurture and get to know his baby like you. Also having to deal with the fact that his child prefers your right now. Also, society tends to prepare women more for understanding what the newborn days are like, we talk to friends, sisters, TV programmes aimed at women etc, whereas many men don't get that exposure so it's more of a shock.

I think you are overreacting to say that DH thinks something is wrong with the baby, or that not shushing whilst rocking means he has "checked out". Both those statements are very hurtful. Your username seems appropriate!

I do hear you, but his saying that he “doesn’t know any other baby who is like this” was said as though he thinks there is something odd or wrong about our baby.

Well if you’re watching him and judging him. What do you expect? Saying he’s checking out because he’s not doing exactly the same as you is not appropriate. You have to leave him to it, take yourself out the room, have a bath or something. Do not become the expert on the baby.

I think part of this is an unrealistic idea of a 3.5 week baby not helped by the fact that newborns plus on tv are 3 months plus and most babies are attached to parents for the first month

It does get easier. For now, remember that you're BOTH tired, emotional, upset, stressed out etc. Be kind to each other, take everything that is said with a pinch of salt.

Tell DH to get himself a book or two on child development/parenting so he has a more realistic idea of what to expect. Newborn babies sleep, eat and cry. That's really it.

Parenting Hell is a good podcast if you need a laugh and to know that it's a slog for everyone.

You both sound like totally normal anxious and overtired new parents. What your DH said was very sensible.

Do you have a tendency to “take over” when DH is struggling to comfort DS?

Are you actually upset with your husband or the situation of having a baby that’s crying a lot and it’s a struggle and hard? Note I didn’t say upset with the baby! Just the situation?

Honestly, in about 18 months time baby will decide you're evil and only want DH and you'll both look back on these days with longing 💐 the little shits change who's favourite parent on a dime but at 3 weeks old it's always going to be mum xxx

My dh was amazing when ds was tiny newborn because he found his purpose in keeping me fed and watered to keep ds fed. Does your dh like to cook? If so ask him if he’d cook for you while you feed ds.
not saying my dh never held ds, he did and ended up doing bathtimes regularly but probably not till around 5/6 weeks.

There's something wrong with your DH