3 week old inconsolable; DH disappointed he ‘doesn’t have more of a bond by now’

[snappyfishe]

We’ve had a terrible row this afternoon and I have a massive headache now.

DS is 3.5 weeks old and for the past few days has been much more unsettled. DH hasn’t been able to have any hugs or cuddles because when he’s holding him, he just cries and only settles if he’s feeding on me. It’s been really tiring. (He won’t be put down to sleep either.)

I can see DH has started to feel like a bit of a spare part, and earlier he said that he thought he would have more of a bond with DS by now, meaning that he would be able to be soothed by him. I said look he’s only 3 weeks old and just wants feeding. DS then needed a nappy change and DH asked if I wanted to do it as if he did it, it would just lead to DS becoming very upset. I then said something along the lines of it felt as if DH was checking out of becoming a dad.

DH got very hurt, told me it was one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever said to him. I got very upset. DH said we’re both feeling demotivated but for opposite reasons - DS won’t settle on him which feels awful for DH; DS will only settle on me which is exhausting for me. He added that he feels as though it’s okay for me to get upset but he feels as though he’s not able to feel upset or down. He added that we both need to be kind to each other.

It was a horrible row and now it’s tainted everything. When do things start to get better?

Thanks so much all, I know this phase will pass.

No, when DH is holding DS I take the opportunity to go to the loo/bathroom, I might make us a cuppa or hang out some washing etc. DS will cry but I know he’s okay because he’s with his dad. I absolutely don’t sit there and watch him!

DH has been amazing with cooking, housework, looking after me etc. I can’t fault him on that front.

I think we’re just both getting a bit overwhelmed by the relentlessness of it all right now.

Your DH is like many anxious first time parents. Plenty of mothers come on here and wonder if something is wrong with their newborn for the same reasons.

One thing that helped my DH bond, is after I breastfed, baby went straight to DH for the burping and inevitable post feed massive poo.

DH also sang and told stories while walking baby to sleep after a night time feed.

I think he needs to be reassured that many many newborn babies cry a lot and it’s not a rejection of him.

I think we’re just both getting a bit overwhelmed by the relentlessness of it all right now.

Yes, it is relentless. And your DH was right about saying you both need to try and be kind to each other. Which is easier said than done when baby is fed, burped, clean and yet is still having a big old cry. 😭

We used to hold and sway with them, or walk them about and say soothing tings like “Let it out, it’s ok, tears are ok, just let it out, I got you, you’re safe, it’s tough being in the outside world…”

Manchild needs to stop being so needy and understand that in a 3 week old baby’s life there is only one person- mummy.

Manchild should be as supportive to you as he possibly can be and be prepared to WAIT for the fun, bonding times with his son. Now isn’t it.

So, so tedious to have to manage the childish expectations of men when you’re dealing with a newborn. 🙄
best wishes, OP xx

My husband used to sit next to me( or lay if in bed) and cuddle me while l breastfed.. sometimes holding babies head to my nipple ( especially in bed for night time feeding) so all three of us seemed to be bonding together ... luckily she didn't mind who changed her nappy.
Had to be breast fed to sleep always though.

Manchild needs to stop being so needy and understand that in a 3 week old baby’s life there is only one person- mummy.

This isn’t true though. There are ways to coparent a newborn. And often of you start out mum doing it all, then you make a rod for your back.

oh OP its so hard in the early days. Has your DH tried skin to skin with your son? Maybe get him to have a bath with him? Babies really love that skin connection and it’s important for the Dad’s to do it as well as the Mums. Be kind to each other, your world has turned upside down and you’re exhausted, it’s so easy to snap at each other

Download the wonderweeks app it’s so helpful!

Honestly at 3.5 weeks babies are pretty much either asleep, feeding or crying. Those first few months are hard and you just need to get through it and be as kind as you can to each other. And remind him he has 18 years to go, there will be plenty of time for bonding!

Totally normal to be overwhelmed, the first year with a baby can be a massive strain on even the best of relationships.

The only thing to do is take each day as it comes and try not to hold a grudge against each other.

It sounds impossible now but this stage will be over before you know it and you’ll look back with rose tinted glasses missing the good old days!

This.
with bells on.

You both need to chill out. The baby isn't even a month old, it can only just see beyond it's own nose. Has the baby even discovered it's own toes yet? Those are the things you bond over, the baby doing stuff like toes, pointing (much later), relaxing in the pram, following glittery mobiles etc.
You certainly don't start arguing over how the baby is doing.

You're in the "fourth trimester". Pretty much all about feeding at this point if you're breast feeding. You're making more milk and resting to get over the birth. Your DH should be concentrating on bringing you food and drink for now and allowing you to establish a good milk supply. The time for bonding will come soon. Babies are used to having a constant supply of food when they're still in the womb. You just need to keep feeding them as much as you can to stretch their little tummies to hold more ❤️

“DH hasn’t been able to have any hugs or cuddles because when he’s holding him, he just cries and only settles if he’s feeding on me.”

“DH got very hurt, told me it was one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever said to him… DS won’t settle on him which feels awful for DH; DS will only settle on me which is exhausting for me.”

DH needs to MAN UP.
Now is the time to be the best husband and father he can be and look after his wife and baby son.

Not whinge about his neediness.

About the 'only sleeping or crying' bit, that is a bit silly of your DH. Babies that young are still barely able to stay awake for any time at all other than feeding. That's completely normal.
I hope things get better soon. Try not to stress.

Having a first baby is absolutely crackers , I thought I'd actually gone mad.
It is a time where you have to be really careful not to try to one up one another on your tiredness / stress. Try to come at it like you're a team. I think your dh's advice is right that you both need to be kinder to one another.
Crying, sleeping and feeding is all they do. Your DH probably is feeling a bit unhappy that he can't settle the baby... He will get there in time. Maybe he needs to read an article about newborns, like this https://raisingchildren.net.au/pregnancy/labour-birth/first-week-of-life/newborns-first-week

I don't think either of you needs to 'man up' or some of the other advice on this thread. You both sound very tired and a bit shocked by what newborn life is like. It gets better.

He needs to suck it up and stop taking things personally because YOU are the one doing most of the work for baby and YOU do not have the current bandwidth to baby a fully grown adult.

Yes yes he is upset about the baby crying, he needs to be a dad and husband and accept that baby wants you most now, has he not read any literature about the fourth trimester? Well that's his fault then isn't it.

He needs to support YOU first, he can start by not whining at you for something entirely normal and that will change ffs.

Sick of these useless men acting butt hurt because they refuse to educate themselves about babies and expectations.

You're both shattered, it's exhausting (I have a 14 week old, it gets... 'better'...).
Have you got a sling? I often feed baby to sleep and then DH pops him in sling, which keeps him settled and frees both of you up a bit.
DH's job is to support you feeding at the moment. Reassure him that of course baby wants you at the moment - you have literally been their home and their everything for the last 9 months and for now you're still pretty much number one, it's normal. He can do nappies, baths (if you can face them, we are v lazy with bathing because it's a hassle!) and if he can have baby in sling that will be a huge help.
Mine still settles best with me but DH and my mum can now cuddle him if he's not hungry/frantic. Currently DH is lying next to baby in bouncer and playing with him - they get a bit more interactive by about week 8!
You'll get there.

And there's nothing wrong with your baby... your husband on the other hand?...

This is the problem with our culture right here, the whole MAN UP bullshit.

OP did say a hugely hurtful thing. And as mothers struggle with a newborn, so can fathers. You would never treat a new mum with such contempt.

Yes, this.
OP is too exhausted to do it all on her own. Her DH is trying to do his bit for both her and their baby. He’s just a bit clueless, weren’t we all our first time?!

The biggest gift you could ever give to your child is a loving confident engaged father. Your comment didn’t move him towards that and you are missing how desperately sad he must feel that his baby prefers you exclusively. Imagine if you were experiencing that?

At that age all they seem to do is wake up feed, cry then sleep.

Your dh needs to educate himself on what are reasonable expectations at this age and what he can and should be doing to help. Tell him to grow up, being a good dad isn't about him at this point (or any point in the near future!)

This was the worst bit for me, those early weeks the absolute worst.
It's not encouraged but I started expressing at ten days just so DH could feed too (and I didn't want a bottle refuser) and I'd just leave them to it and leave the house. Let DH do bathtime, no reason why not.
21 years on and I still shudder at those early months. It will get better.

You are both reasonable and unreasonable.

Your h clearly doesn’t know any other babies and if he knows any other dads eg at work or his hobby, then he’d find out that his baby is normal. You’ve had a 9 month head start in bonding, smell of milk if you’re breastfeeding and biologically programmed to be the preferred parent right now.

If he knew other parents then he’d realise that it’s tough for you too and while it looks like you are finding it easy, baby still spends lots of time crying and grizzling with you too. It is tough for your h too but him talking about your child being abnormal isn’t helping either. This is a stage that you both have to grit your teeth and get over with - things will get better.

Your baby is currently in the fourth trimester. Adjusting to life outside your womb is hard for the baby. It was dark, relatively quiet and he was curdled up like a burrito in your womb for 9 months where as the outside world is the complete opposite- bright, loud and intense.

You both need to be kind to each other. Your h isn’t the first parent to be shocked that being a parent isn’t how he thought - both men and women are shocked by the experience every day and there’s pressure if you come from parents who are crap or great.