3 week old inconsolable; DH disappointed he ‘doesn’t have more of a bond by now’

[snappyfishe]

We’ve had a terrible row this afternoon and I have a massive headache now.

DS is 3.5 weeks old and for the past few days has been much more unsettled. DH hasn’t been able to have any hugs or cuddles because when he’s holding him, he just cries and only settles if he’s feeding on me. It’s been really tiring. (He won’t be put down to sleep either.)

I can see DH has started to feel like a bit of a spare part, and earlier he said that he thought he would have more of a bond with DS by now, meaning that he would be able to be soothed by him. I said look he’s only 3 weeks old and just wants feeding. DS then needed a nappy change and DH asked if I wanted to do it as if he did it, it would just lead to DS becoming very upset. I then said something along the lines of it felt as if DH was checking out of becoming a dad.

DH got very hurt, told me it was one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever said to him. I got very upset. DH said we’re both feeling demotivated but for opposite reasons - DS won’t settle on him which feels awful for DH; DS will only settle on me which is exhausting for me. He added that he feels as though it’s okay for me to get upset but he feels as though he’s not able to feel upset or down. He added that we both need to be kind to each other.

It was a horrible row and now it’s tainted everything. When do things start to get better?

Too, if you have a colicky baby, most “educate yourself” resources are only good for a bonfire. Often it is literally spending time with baby and trying different positions or types of rocking/swaying until you find what works for your baby.

Some babies, going for a drive sends them to sleep- this is frequent advice. My baby screamed her head off everytime we put her in a car seat and to go anywhere.

Every baby is different and these early months you (mum and dad) are learning as you go what your baby needs.

He's three weeks old for goodness sake he only wants someone who smells of his mother's milk. Which is natural for every breastfed species, it's biology.
Their relationship will develop more as the baby gets older.

This time is hell on earth. The first three months are like being in a war zone, with sleep deprivation, sore bodies, sore nipples, crazy messy house, starvation (baby wont let go of nipple to eat). It is horrendous, and not at all conductive to communication with your other half. This leads to serious arguments, and we have had some good ones over the years (5 children later).

My DH also commented that he felt useless with a newborn (he couldn’t settle her either), and he is a father of 5. It sounds like your partner is really really trying, and not sure exactly how to help - you have to be clear that the only thing he can do is support you right now, making sure you are fed, you can bathe and even things like unloading/loading dishes and tidying up is great help. You are the food source, and the baby will be attached to you constantly for the next three months, until it gets easier and they have longer naps (I find it more bearable then), and actual ‘play/interaction’ time.

I understand where DH is coming from though - how many babies do you see cry when you are out and around? Not many, because they are mostly at home when small and it is hard to get out. Everyone moans on trains/planes when there is a baby crying and I have personally been keeping away from people when they cry for fear of making someone mad. So he probably hasn’t seen so much crying around him to know - this is just what babies do. Sleep, eat, poop and cry.

Tell him that at around 2.5/3 months old most babies interact with others a lot more, and DS will give him the biggest smiles when he plays with him. It is only 3 months and then he has the rest of his life to make DS smile. Believe me, our teenagers prefer Daddy, I am just the ‘boring’ one that doesn’t play computer games.

Good luck in the trenches, it will be a hard 2 months but worth it in the end.😊

Yeah this phase is why many stop at one child. They can’t imagine doing the newborn phase all over again with a toddler to wrangle on top. It is tough. It is normal that it is tough. But it doesn’t last forever. They become a lot of fun quickly.

Expecting fathers to do anything with newborns is really a very new cultural development. Absolutely it is important that dads are hands on but the reality is that in the first few weeks there isn't a lot for them to do with the baby, their job is to provide for the family and keep everyone safe.

If you haven't seen a lot of newborns he probably doesn't realise that sleeping, eating, crying and pooping is pretty much all they do. Sometimes all at the same time. The interesting stuff takes time, at the moment the baby barely realises it's been born.

I don't think it unrealistic for a baby to calm for someone other than the mother, even as a newborn. Your dh just has to persevere, you're both learning as new parents. Try not to give pointless arguments, easier said than done I know.

Your dh’s reasoning re the nappy sounds emotionally immature: he needs to work on his bond with the baby and not sulk and be the baby.

I understand your reaction but can also see that the wording you chose is hurtful. Can you express and let DH give a bottle?

Completely, totally normal that a 3 week old is only crying or asleep (or feeding).

it will change soon, the odd smile will appear around 2-3 months and by 4-5 months they will be a bit more familiar with people other than mum. We joke that my 5mo LO refers to me as her food-pillow.

it is relentless in the early days and easy to take it out on each other. It’s a really testing time in any relationship.

My nearly 3yo is a total daddy’s girl now, even more so since baby 2 arrived.

This.

OP this is entirely normal for a baby of this age. It will change.

My husband changes nappies at the beginning but he was really disappointed that he wasn’t as closely bonded to baby as I was. He wasn’t super interested until either baby was smiling, crawling and ultimately talking!! Once DC1 reached 2 yo they were great pals and dc1 preferred husband over me!!

You're both massively tired and adapting to a huge, cataclysmic change. And it's not easy to switch into the selfless mode parenthood requires.

But basically your dh is going 'wah wah, baby doesn't like me and it's your fault'

The baby is a barely conscious little petri dish creature who just needs milk, sleep, warmth and the smell of his mum. It's super early days. If you don't enjoy this bit, to be honest it doesn't matter. Parenthood doesn't have to be constant specialness and enjoyment, a lot of it is endurance and patience.

Give yourselves a break, think long term!

Theres nothing wrong with the husband just like theres nothing wrong with lots of mums who struggle with newborns and feel the newborn isnt bonding and attaching and they cant settle them easy and they're at the end of their tether too

Its hard work for both, and being critical of either parent is not helpful or useful

Newborns only want mum. Especially if you are breastfeeding. My husband and I struggled with this to begin with too. My firstborn never took a bottle so I was overwhelmed and he felt useless! Things did settle as she grew. He started doing bath time and would carry her in the sling when we went out for walks. As she got older and less dependent on me their relationship grew and they have a great bond now. 3.5 weeks is VERY early days.

Of course the baby prefers her exclusively! It’s the fourth trimester. Honestly do fathers have such ridiculous expectations of their newborns?

You only see the content ones out and about. That’s why your DH “doesn’t know any other baby like this”.

Your situation is entirely normal for the early days. It’s also a bit of a learning curve that even thought you want to share the load equally, in the early days the baby will favour the mum. It’s just nature but it will change and your partner will bond more

“But basically your dh is going 'wah wah, baby doesn't like me and it's your fault'”

This.
Men, can you just stop being so self-centred? Please?

Husband needs to understand that baby is still in the forth trimester. He literally doesn't know he's not a part from you yet and his own person. All he does know is his job right now is to get your milk supply up. That's it. The outside is scary to a new baby. You are familiar and safe.

It gets easier.

I think around this point in time I told my husband I had one baby now, and needed hom to not behave like a second.

Give your husband a hug, tell him you love him, and try to laugh about the fact that being so exhausted and sleep deprived makes everyone more emotional and grumpy. It doesn't help that the little blighter-babies can tell when your tense and stop believing you can sooth them, and stay unsettled on stressed upset parents!

Try not to let him make you default expert parent. A bit of wah during a happy change will not harm anyone. (I say this as a parent of a toddler who is currently engaging in a 20min daily yell/scream after being wrestled into a car seat to go home from nursery. She's not crying of upset. She's just making sure I know she's angry. Loudly. As soon as she is free it's back to smiles and giggles. She sits and helps my husband strap her in. FFS.)

Your DH needs to find his confidence and his own techniques for soothing the baby. We found putting one of Dad’s worn t-shirts in the cot really helped the baby settle.

Totally this

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I think this is quite common with new dads and I do emphasize with them. Your comment was low, but you're both likely tired. You need to give him time and space to bond, and he needs to just accept it's gonna be all about mummy at least for the first few months.

THIS

I really wonder - do expectant dads not educate themselves in the least about what newborns are like? I mean, seriously?

If he had done any reading around the subject he would know not to expect anything other than ‘baby needs mummy only’ at this point in time. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I think you both just sound very tired and overwhelmed which is totally normal for 3.5 weeks in! My baby is 6 months old now but was very similar. One thing we found helped was if I kept a blanket/muslin tucked into my bra and then when my husband held her he’d put the muslin/blanket on him so she could still smell me and that helped settle her. It does get better and the baby/daddy bond does grow! My husband and her have the most amazing little bond now, she’s constantly smiling and giggling at him, loved playing with him and they adore each other, at 3.5 weeks old the only thing she adored was my nipple😂 it gets so much better OP, good luck x

Can I recommend Your Baby Week By Week? It sounds to me like your DH doesn't know very much about newborns at all, and might need some objective reassurance that it's normal for them to do nothing but sleep and cry. At 3.5 weeks they don't have a lot of awake time so there's nothing for your DH to miss out on,