Husband post natal depression

[IndiaMay]

Looking for some support really. Or just advice. This might be a bit long, but i think my husband has post natal depression. He was so looking forward to being a dad and we had a little girl 4 weeks ago. The labour was ok but the birth was pretty bad, an emergency delivery, we didnt get to see our little girl for a while and i lost a lot of blood. I was in hospital 3 days and then let home. For the first 10 days husband was great. He visited the hospital and doted on our baby. Bought me a coffee and cake, just wanted to snuggle her whilst he could as he couldnt stay the night and it let me shower and rest. When we got home he was very emotional, kept happy crying, wanted to help lots. When she was a week old he booked me a massage and took the baby a few hours. After about 10 days though he stopped helping so much. He had 3 weeks paternity leave and admitted he was struggling after 2 as i couldnt drive and he doesnt drive it was starting to feel like lockdown again. Endless time at home or local walks were our only option. I kind of understood that.

Since going back to work last week he is more and more distant and our baby, although good in the day, has horrendous witching hour in the evening where she screams and screams and he cant cope and has snapped at her. He doesnt help in the day and this weekend i asked him why he wasn't helping and he admitted he regretted having her and looking at her, he felt nothing for her. He wouldn't wish any harm on her and would never hurt her but he felt nothing.

The same happened last night, he snapped at her when he was on the witching hour shift and when i got her down and then spoke to him after he admitted again that he is so ashamed but he feels nothing for her, that from about 3pm at work he dreads going home, he hates his life now. He hates our evenings. He does wonder if her birth has affected him. When i was still in hospital on day 3 he apparently had a total breakdown in the coffee shop crying hysterically remembering the birth.

Ive told him he needs to see someone. A doctor or something to establish if he's depressed. If hes not and he just dislikes our baby then tbh he needs to shape up or ship out. But he won't see anyone and we are just going through the motions of the day. It breaks my heart that when he comes in from work he greets the cat, says hi to me but he doesnt even acknowledge the baby. He doesnt interact with her at all anymore unless its to hold her for 10mins whilst she screams to give me a break in the evening.

Has anyone experienced this with their husband?

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. I don’t have a similar postpartum experience. It could be depression or even PTSD if the birth was traumatic.

You can’t force your husband to get help so it’s important you reach out for support. You should speak to your Dr about this and ask for resources. Ask for help from friends and family. It can be hard to talk about situations like this, but if you are close to someone you trust, try be honest with them about exactly what you are experiencing so they understand the level of support you need.

If you have support nearby that can help with driving or give you a break together, maybe small things will make a difference.

Only you know if this behavior is truly out of character or not and that information might change how you handle things if issues are ongoing. Even if it is depression, it doesn’t mean you should support him long term when he isn’t seeking help himself. Take care of yourself x

@IndiaMay im currently going through similar with my OH and was wondering if you found any support anywhere? My baby’s 11 weeks now

@IndiaMaymy husband ended up confiding in his mum (unprompted) a few days after I posted this and she was brilliant in helping me. Some weekends we would stay with them and she would have baby at night in with her to give me a break. DH got a chance to bond a bit in the days without all the pressure because it was in a group setting.

Baby ended up being diagnosed with CMPA too not long after I posted this so what we thought was witching hour and we weren't coping with was actually severe colic and baby had allergies. Once she was on prescription formula she got so much easier and that helped DH as before that he essentially only saw her screaming for hours at a time mon-fri because she'd start as soon as he got home and scream non stop until evening.

I'd say I still did 90% of parenting and he didn't fully engage with her until she turned around 6 months and at that point she had so much personality and was more engaging and he really warmed to her. She's 10 months now and he adores her and often has more patience than me.