Is there a prejudice towards quiet children?

[Orangebadger]

Just that really, I am not sure how else to word it other than using the term prejudice.

I am not quiet but my DD is quiet. She's not overly confident, but is actually very resilient and just quietly gets on with things. She doesn't like being centre of attention, she likes to slip under the radar. Me and her dad are the same in that final regard.

I am getting fed up of responses/ opinions about her, often from parents of very extrovert children.
She has most recently been referred to as timid, which is not a description I agree with. Surely quiet does not equal timid.

From my perception I don't see quiet as a weakness, if anything, the opposite. My strongest friends are very quiet. But is this just me or is this negative attitude to quiet people/ children a real thing? It's really beginning to bug me!

Any tips for happily and confidently quiet girls to navigate friendships groups at that age (early secondary)? The attention from peers is usually on the extrovert girls despite all the drama and falling in and out with friendship groups that often comes with it.

I think a teacher saying 'they need to engage more in discussions' is said to the parents of pretty much every well behaved child. All three of mine have got it as a comment at school, only one of them could be remotely described as quiet. I wouldn't read too much into it. Confident, chatty children tend to get PA comments like 'wow, she's very confident isn't she' so I think some adults criticise any child because they fail to realise they are children who are still learning how to interact with others.

The attention from peers is usually on the extrovert girls despite all the drama and falling in and out with friendship groups that often comes with it.

And here we go. It is not just extroverts who have drama in their friendships, the only advantage is you know about the drama and can help them navigate it.

I was very quiet as a child.

In some situations I still am.

I also had and still have situational mutism.

I wasn't confident to speak up for myself and ask for help.

My family was busy and overwhelmed and I was ill through my teenage years and it wasn't taken seriously by anyone and I was too scared of speaking to adults to keep raising it.

As an adult I learned to speak better in public.

Many many people are slightly anxious in new social situations. In the classroom Often it's considered the responsibility of the teacher to put them at ease. I became a teacher and so it was literally my job to get the best out of them in terms of their learning.

Teens and adults learn best when they are relaxed. They do this when they are convinced (consciously or unconsciously) that they are safe both physically and psychologically. The quickest easiest way to do that is to talk to them. Doesn't matter what about.

I got this a lot as a child. I was quite shy, and I’ve moved past that now, but I wouldn’t call myself loud.
I remember reading this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0141029196?dplnkId=f10b9f36-657c-4a31-b373-1d669a35ac50&nodl=1

My dd has been damaged after years of this way of thinking. Everyone commented on how quiet she is teachers/family and friends. Sadly this has led to her now having social phobia and reactive depression.
I used to get so fed up with teachers saying she needs to speak up, she is too quiet, it got to the point that I said this is who she is can you please stop getting her to try to speak up in class.

It has really damaged her confidence in herself I don't know why you can't just be allowed to be quiet. Why do we all have to be the same?

I think people equal quiet with good.

Yep had it all through my school years, said at every parents' evening and on every school report.

My DD had it too, teacher didn't know if they were understanding the class etc. being quiet didn't seem to affect her GCSE results one bit.

Being introverted is somehow seen as being less desirable than an extrovert. But half the population is on the introvert scale and you only have to google introvert CEOs to see how many there are.

In my own case I am a senior director with a huge team, it doesn't seem to have done me any harm either.

I second this. Brilliant book. It finally made me realise I am normal. Being quiet is not a negative thing - far from it.

It’s not but you need to pull your weight socially. Sitting there like an unresponsive lump meaning everyone else has to keep conversations going is generally annoying. I have taught mine social skills. You can be quiet and low key and still have good social skills.

Yes, our society has a bias towards extroversion.

Read ‘Quiet’ by Susan Cain. It’s about the power of being an introvert.

Quiet doesn't necessarily mean shy or timid. I'm a quiet person and largely introverted but I'm also confident, driven and assertive. Unfortunately people often assume the former and underestimate me - this has happened all my life.

The good thing is that it's amusing to prove them wrong. They are often shocked to discover I am a high achiever in a senior role, that I have a sense of humour and can be fun/interesting company once they let me get a word in edgeways.

My youngest child is quiet and docile at school. She's often overlooked despite getting top marks in class as the attention seems to get drawn to the louder high achievers who are vocal about wanting praise and recognition, or loud rebellious ones who arse around and get praised because they've actually managed to stay still and quiet in rare occasion.

My other child is a total motormouth however. I'm always telling him you have one gob and two ears, you should spend twice as much time listening as you do jabbering!

Quietness is underrated!

How am I supposed to help with this? I have a sassy, I’m going to tell you how it is 6 year old who does not speak in school. I’ve heard reports of her crying when asked to give a simple one word answer like what is you favourite animal! If she is asked to read /answer then it’s whispers on a good day. She doesn’t even answer the register everyday. It’s not because she doesn’t know the answer as she is very capable.

My child is very quiet when out of the house. At home she doesn't stop talking, but if in a different situation (ie not close family or friends) she will not really talk much and people say she is shy or on a couple of occasions rude as she can give one word answers while trying to hide herself.

School have said she is very quiet but this year she has started to ask questions in class.

I love her personality, although sometimes at home it is like she is trying to make up for not speaking much at school and getting as many words in as possible. 🤣

Book sales are going to get boosted by this thread, it has been recommended by lost of posters

People are so dumb. Why comment at all ? So dumb.

I say that as a mum of two very loud and extroverted children.

Let's face it, quiet children on the whole ( from what I see ) listen better, are better behaved and often better at school because they do listen more.

I realise - massively generalising here, but it's what I see.

I was at a party at give weekend of 4-5 year olds and one boy just wanted to stay near his mum and didn't want to join in with games. The mum was encouraging him and she kept looking a bit embarrassed and I felt really bad for her for feeling like that because it just doesn't matter. Her son is very smart, listens super well and is just such a bright kid. Who cares he wanted to be near his mum at the party. He'll join in another time.

I love quiet kids and would never comment and I'm really sorry for everyone's experiences with people making dumb comments about it.

It’s a great book. More people should read it.

Will it correct many people’s complete misunderstanding of the term ‘introvert”, though?

And how exactly do you expect a parent to ensure or make them? A child who speaks so quietly they can't be heard, clearly has an anxiety about other people hearing them speak. How do we force them to speak louder? Berating them and telling them to speak louder is unlikely to work isn't it? Don't you think we've tried regularly since they were tiny? Don't you think we worry about it daily? Don't you think we've googled endlessly? But yet you assume they just need to be told, and what bad parenting. FFS.

DD was always quiet ( she grew out of It). Teachers always complained that she didn’t contribute in class. At 6th form college she had a teacher who understood her and said ‘she doesn’t say a lot but I can tell she is listening, thinking and taking it in’. She is now Head of Communications for a charity.

Maybe I phrased it badly saying 'make sure'. I wasn't trying to berate anyone, so I'm sorry if it came across like that. I was just trying to emphasise, in the the context of this thread about quiet children, that being able to make yourself understood when you want to is an important skill that seems to be getting worse if my students are anything to go by. Not all of these cases are due to anxiety - actually a lot that I see basically just haven't ever learned to project and enunciate clearly, and don't see it as a necessary skill, and parents can have a role in supporting that.
Your case sounds different, and it sounds like you are having a very difficult time. I hope you and your kid manage to find the help you need and that things get better 💐💐.

How is this any different to the judgement you're saying quiet children/people receive?? It's a personality trait, I don't think being quiet or loud has any bearing on how valuable your contribution may be.

Quiet children can be typecast as shy and timid, and it isn't necessarily true. But for some it is and some help with confidence etc would be valuable for them. Perhaps there's a bit of the squeaky wheel getting the grease too.

Fwiw though, as the parent of an outgoing/active/has difficulty listening child - I assure you I get plenty of judgement too, and assumed terrible parenting as I should "just tell" them to sit still/be quiet/etc

I completely agree. I had all this at school and also with my older dd.

Perhaps instead of quieter children (and adults) being told to be more outgoing, those criticising could make an effort to pipe down and listen better. Why should we have to shout to be heard?

And you can still be confident and quieter. It doesn’t always equate with being timid and shy

I love this! The benefits of being a good listener no doubt.

My DD has great social skills. She is merely quiet. These 2 things do not go hand in hand. Listening and reading the room are probably are 2 biggest strengths giving her a lot of emotional intelligence, far more than many adults I know.