Is there a prejudice towards quiet children?

[Orangebadger]

Just that really, I am not sure how else to word it other than using the term prejudice.

I am not quiet but my DD is quiet. She's not overly confident, but is actually very resilient and just quietly gets on with things. She doesn't like being centre of attention, she likes to slip under the radar. Me and her dad are the same in that final regard.

I am getting fed up of responses/ opinions about her, often from parents of very extrovert children.
She has most recently been referred to as timid, which is not a description I agree with. Surely quiet does not equal timid.

From my perception I don't see quiet as a weakness, if anything, the opposite. My strongest friends are very quiet. But is this just me or is this negative attitude to quiet people/ children a real thing? It's really beginning to bug me!

Check out the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that can't stop talking, by Susan cain. It has been many years since I read it but I really enjoyed it.

@WinterFrog and @HelterSkelter224 thank you will look at getting that.

@Orangebadger I think you're right to want to tackle her lack of confidence - which you say is relative, but then, it always is.

As a pp said, being able to advocate for oneself, to express thoughts, ideas, wants, needs - this is crucial.

Maybe go through scenarios with her, talking through how she might handle them, praise her for making decisions and having ideas about how she'd like things to go.

Yes I'm fairly quiet. I've been called boring, shy, timid. It's really annoying

My dd always had this on parents evening ‘she needs to speak up.’ She wasn’t shy, actually the opposite, very emotionally intelligent and felt she didn’t need the affirmation or attention.

Having said this though, my bugbear is that ‘quiet people’ - and yes that includes my dd - they leave the heavy lifting of social interaction to others and then often roll their eyes at the ‘loud’ people who they claim are dominant and gobby.

You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be aloof and above it all because of some intellectual sensitivity and superiority, and then claim people don’t include you or have a prejudice.

Yep, I’m a quiet adult & have had this throughout my life.

This post resonated because my daughter sounds similar to yours and we have also had this worry about her being labelled shy. The thing is, she IS shy at the beginning. It doesn't make her lesser though! I think some of the problem is that 'shy' is automatically seen as negative, whereas it should be a more neutral description of people who take a while to feel comfortable with new people. My daughter is now 4 and very emotionally astute. She will tell us now when a certain situation makes her feel shy, and it helps us to understand what she needs in that moment and how to support her, so I'm glad she's able to name the feeling and use it to her benefit.

yes, especially from teachers which makes it sting even more.

the best revenge against all those people who told you that you were a quiet, flawed, child growing up is going on to be a successful adult. A person does not need to be forceful or extroverted to do well in this world. Quiet, observant children who are constantly paying attention to the world around them and constantly learning can do quite well for themselves.

Nothing wrong with being quiet and as you mature, you learn how to assert yourself when you need to. Believe me, there are many people who appreciate you for who you are. My daughter’s teachers are excellent, they understand her. She likes her own company, so she’s quiet and introverted but able to partake in many activities just fine and has numerous friends, particularly one close one.

@Screamingabdabz you know this sums up my DD. She really doesn't need the affirmation that some others really do. I am the same. I just get on with it, but I am not quiet. I probably sit in the middle.. an ambivert.

But my DD is very social. She has friends, loves to hang out with them but kind of has quiet fun, kind of geeky fun if that makes sense! But all of her friends bar 1 are very loud which is interesting and only know have I clocked this.

It makes me sad to totally agree with you. My children and I are naturally quiet and they were barely noticed in primary school. In the twenty years I’ve been teaching primary I have made sure that quiet children are as celebrated and noticed as the louder children. Some of us just don’t like being centre of attention or talking for the sake of it. The world needs all sorts.

You might be interested in the research around the idea of the highly sensitive person (can be common in introverts but not exclusive). A number of 'quiet' adults I know have found being aware of the pros and cons useful e.g. how much stimulation can be tolerated vs down time. I know it's not exactly what you asked in your post but I do feel it often overlaps and so could help you and your DD.

P.s Quiet kids rock, even if I do say so myself. DS is one too.

They're a cool breeze in a noisy, hot, busy extrovert world : )

Never mistake quietness for a weakness as many have found out .

@Caffeineismydrug35 💐Thank you on behalf of the quiet children.

As a teacher I say if a child is quieter than their classmates, but I always say ‘and that’s absolutely fine as long as they feel confident enough to tell me or email me if they are struggling with something’.

And I always acknowledge the quieter students and make sure I catch their eye and say thank you for not needing me to tell them off repeatedly.

I was going to recommend the same book OP. It may give you some good ideas. Like other posters, I would say unfortunately yes, and you can expect it to follow her in to the workplace too. I can confidently say I have never been “noticed” unless I’ve gone out of my way to make what feels like a right song and dance about it!

Being shy/outgoing, introverted/extroverted, quiet/loud do not always go perfectly together, but there is certainly a link. If she’s confident, she’ll find her strengths and her path.

You have to see the Quiet Girl, set in Ireland. There are some wonderful lines in it in support of quiet people

Empty vessels make the most noise whereas still waters run deep.

100% agree. This was me too.

It definitely does exist.

Being honest, as a fairly extroverted person, I find quiet adults and children really uncomfortable. Not rude necessarily (though some are, as with everyone), but uncomfortable to be around and just.. strange. That’s just my opinion. I’m sure plenty of quiet people find me irritating, it’s just the nature of a mixed society isn’t it.

You’re confusing ‘quiet’ with ‘introverted’. Two entirely different things. I’m an introvert and extremely confident.

Yes and it makes me so sad. I have teenage twin daughters and one of them has always been quieter but she is still sociable and very bright and perfectly happy but because her twin was extremely extroverted and bubbly, people love to comment on it a lot. Makes me so annoyed. They are actually very similar, just one is a little more introverted and people think they have the right to constantly say it. She isn't even that shy honestly!

they leave the heavy lifting of social interaction to others
But ithey don’t feel its weight do they?

Yes I have a very quiet child who is a fantastic actor - she absolutely becomes her character. Does she get picked for parts at school? Nope, never. In the last play she was selling raffle tickets. Of course the parts went to the usual loudmouths, none of whom had any talent for acting. I put this down to lazy teachers tbh - much easier to teach to a stereotype than to nurture actual children who are a complex and interesting mix.