Is there a prejudice towards quiet children?

[Orangebadger]

Just that really, I am not sure how else to word it other than using the term prejudice.

I am not quiet but my DD is quiet. She's not overly confident, but is actually very resilient and just quietly gets on with things. She doesn't like being centre of attention, she likes to slip under the radar. Me and her dad are the same in that final regard.

I am getting fed up of responses/ opinions about her, often from parents of very extrovert children.
She has most recently been referred to as timid, which is not a description I agree with. Surely quiet does not equal timid.

From my perception I don't see quiet as a weakness, if anything, the opposite. My strongest friends are very quiet. But is this just me or is this negative attitude to quiet people/ children a real thing? It's really beginning to bug me!

My DD is similar

I'm not sure it's possible that everyone is extrovert

And neither would it be a good thing

I would not call myself under or over confident but I am a thinker who can be vocal when I choose to be, I contemplate and think before I speak

If I need help I ask but I leave the verbal diarrhoea for others

I don't understand why people think quiet is negative, it gives me more time to analyse and simplify before I speak or react and get my message across easier

I've had it all my life. "Aren't you timid? Aren't you shy?"
No, I'm really not. Actually, once you get to know me I can go on for hours. I'm just quiet when meeting new people because I like to observe before I let people in.

@PaperGloves you're confusing quiet with lacking confidence. Quiet does not equal low confidence and neither does introversion.

The most confident people I know are introverts so I know I am not confusing them. I am not sure where in my post you get that from.

There is absolutely prejudice towards quiet children.

Although my son's case is a little different from your post, people absolutely do judge.

My son has selective mutism and the judgemental comments are just awful, loudly commenting on how rude they think he is really boils my blood.

Then you will get the comments from the ones who believe him to be shy and they honestly seem to think its okay to share loudly with the rest of the folks around how shy and timid he is.

Yes he has selective mutism and has a very quiet voice if he is able to use it in a given situation but weak he definitely is not.

I can assure you I’m not at all confused. You’re the one implicitly comparing your ‘quiet’ daughter with ‘more extroverted children’. Introversion has nothing to do with either being quiet or lacking confidence. As I said.

I know that introversion has nothing to do with being quiet or lacking confidence as I also have said. All I have said in comparison was regarding more outgoing children and the parents of more extroverted children... this does not imply that I think quiet means introversion just that my daughter is not AS outgoing nor AS extrovert as them.

Ignore. Quiet people are worth listening to when they decide to speak up.

@PaperGloves as you should also know introversion/ extroversion is a spectrum full of variation. Most of us fall in between the 2 ends of this spectrum somewhere. That is the comparison. Not linking quietness with introversion.

It feels like there are three types, in order of general preference of the population (just my experience, not truth):

1. Chatty, confident children
2. Quiet children who are tolerated and often ignored
3. Loud, annoying children

True! My DS is a combination of the first and last of those! Chalk and cheese.

as a teacher @greenbirds I often use the ‘needs to speak up more’ feedback for kids I personally would like to hear more from. Only because oracy is important (especially in the age of AI etc) and it gets tedious for the class listening to the ideas of the same few students all the time. I’m an introvert and quiet myself and never speak up in staff meetings so it’s a bit hypocritical perhaps! But I’d never see quietness a moral failing. Indeed almost all teachers prefer a quiet kid over a loud one for reasons too obvious to state!

Agree OP.

Quiet people are definitely maligned - which is so sad. They are the thinkers, observers, givers. The world is so soap-box friendly that it's expected to say everything on our minds, as loudly as possible. Nuanced communication (verbal & non verbal) may become a lost art.

We should start a movement that celebrates saying more with less words and at a lower volume.

OP you are describing my dd, also in year 7. Resilient, happy, fun, open minded, adventurous, interested in lots of things. But not loud and seeking to be in the centre of attention, not pushing in. The loud and confident appearing girls from her primary have all had huge dramas, melt downs, overly worried what others think of them, dd is quietly getting on with it all. I have no advice other than accept your dd and be proud of her. So many people talk shit, especially about children, they're clueless but think they know it all. Don't mind them.

…and here we go. A typical quiet = superior vs. extroverts = dicks thread! And ding, ding, ding someone posts the inevitable ‘empty vessels make the most noise’. 🙄

The reason people quiet people are ‘maligned’ is because there is always a suspicion of judgy imperiousness behind the silence, and lo and behold, this thread reveals that suspicion to be correct.

Can relate dd1 is quite quiet but is actually pretty confident. Annoying teachers would complain about it so Always remember one great primary teacher in year 5 saying “she doesn’t speak up much but when she does everyone listens”.

Yes, that’s how I am too.
Once I’m comfortable with a person then I’ll chat for hours.
My sister in law is someone who says I’m too quiet, she’s even described me as aloof. I think it says as much about her as it does about me as I’ve known her for many years, since school, and I’m still not comfortable enough with her to fully let her in.

Our oldest son was always described as quiet by teachers where as his brother when younger was a combination of 1 and 3, as an adult he’s no longer loud and annoying, though still very sociable.

As a quiet kid and a generally quiet person with a bit of social anxiety I can say it definitely gets misinterpreted by others as timid and shy.

People have always said I needed to change and become more extroverted.. but never considered that I might like being quiet.. the world definitely values extroversion. If you don't talk about your achievements and snooze with the boss you won't get that promotion. Loud kids get the attention from teachers and parents too.

Yep, had this nonsense my whole life. Even had a supervisor in early adulthood completing a performance review say ‘I can’t actually think of a negative about your work, oh I’ll put your quiet’… ta, I wasn’t actually particularly. Was engaging/chatty with customers (said so in review), just wasn’t joining in with all the toxic gossip at the time.

My 14 month old DS is actually quite noisy/very active, loves to engage with others. Says hello to everyone we pass (even people outside the window). However only tolerates certain people holding him/cuddling him. Absolutely fine in my eyes, perfectly reasonable not to want lots of people holding/touching you. He’s been like this since about 7 months, I’ve been told he’s shy, will come out of his shell, needs to interact more with others and should go to nursery and it’s terrible we don’t send him to socialise. Nothing against nursery, it’s just expensive and our working hours mean we can just about do without.

I think shy for some children just means particular people want to engage with them but they aren’t so are slightly offended and make out like the child has an issue when they are absolutely fine. Obviously some children do need extra help and it’s good to keep an eye on them but extra pressure ro ‘speak up more’ isn’t often helpful.

Holy crap! You got all of that from my post (presuming you did - as you referenced it).

I never meant (or said) that outgoing people / extroverts are dicks. Probably because I don't think it. I said that quiet people are maligned, because they are

100% you problem.

So glad someone has mentioned this book. I was/still am the quiet one and it really changed the way I looked at being "quiet" so much so that I gave a copy of the book to my old boss.

I can be quiet. I’m very good at advocating for myself and speaking up when I need to. I’m not remotely shy. I can chat socially with the best of them and I enjoy others company. I just don’t need fo constantly talk. I prefer to listen and process. As a child my quietness was often called out in a negative and I think
that I did struggle a bit with confidence at times or at least eggs was mistaken for confidence but could have just been extroversion! At work recently my boss described me as having a quiet and calm authority. I will take that. I don’t need to grandstand to be a leader like the men in my team do endlessly. The amount of meetings I’m in where people state the obvious and then someone else repeats it, drives me mad.

My own child is a lot like me. We are working on her confidence.and growth mindset as internal tools. Just gently through journaling and chatting. Being quiet is fine, but literally having nothing to say or lacking confidence imo needs a bit of support.

Yes, I remember thinking about this alot when my DD2 was younger. She has grown into a quiet achiever though, she does very well academically and has a quiet confidence.

As a parent, just keep telling her that everyone is different and it's OK for her to be who she is. She'll figure out the rest over time.