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Original poster

Is there a prejudice towards quiet children?

126 replies

Orangebadger · 09/10/2024 19:18

Just that really, I am not sure how else to word it other than using the term prejudice.

I am not quiet but my DD is quiet. She's not overly confident, but is actually very resilient and just quietly gets on with things. She doesn't like being centre of attention, she likes to slip under the radar. Me and her dad are the same in that final regard.

I am getting fed up of responses/ opinions about her, often from parents of very extrovert children.
She has most recently been referred to as timid, which is not a description I agree with. Surely quiet does not equal timid.

From my perception I don't see quiet as a weakness, if anything, the opposite. My strongest friends are very quiet. But is this just me or is this negative attitude to quiet people/ children a real thing? It's really beginning to bug me!

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magneticpeasant · 09/10/2024 19:26

Yes unfortunately. I've heard people at work describing quiet colleagues as timid before. They're not, they're just quiet.

Our culture devalues quiet people.

ahemfem · 09/10/2024 19:27

Yes I've had it ALL my life

GreenFlamingo11 · 09/10/2024 19:29

Absolutely. Quiet children are seen as shy and timid. Quiet adults are seen as standoffish/stuck up/ not interested in anyone else. As a quiet person, I've had a few more outgoing people admit they find the quietness intimidating. That's on them.

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Jessie1259 · 09/10/2024 19:36

100% I was completely underestimated through much of school.

Lovetotravel123 · 09/10/2024 19:38

As a teacher, I can say that quiet can be absolutely lovely! We need all kinds of people in this world.

Amillionstars · 09/10/2024 19:40

Yes. My DD is 5 and shy, very thoughtful and bright and full of beans at home, but more shy around other adults and children. I’ve had other parents etc go on about what a shame and maybe she will come out of her shell. Another described my friend’s shy child as “rude”. I’ve been out with friends who go on about how lucky they are that their child is extroverted and confident as if I’ve drawn some unlucky straw. Honestly wish they’d stfu.

KingOfPeace · 09/10/2024 19:40

Yes, people think louder, more outgoings children are more confident, more fun, make better friends. And it's true in adulthood that you're more likely to get on if you get noticed.

However for the school years being quiet is probably a bonus. As long as she learns to speak up when necessary, to defend herself and to promote herself she will do fine.

SophiaJ8 · 09/10/2024 19:41

Totally agree. I had years of being told DD was ‘too quiet’ - in whose eyes? She is a model student and just doesn’t push herself on to people.

greenbirds · 09/10/2024 19:42

Yes, I think there is. I am quiet and 2 of my children were always quiet at school. I got so bored of many teachers saying they 'should speak up more' etc etc. Always emphasizing how important it was that they should contribute to class discussions even though they much preferred to write than talk.

Some teachers value quieter children though and appreciate that they have many skills too. Sadly I think our society rewards loud noisy people and overlooks quieter people.

RaspberryBeretxx · 09/10/2024 19:47

Yes, I’ve found similar both for myself and my dc.

ChocNice · 09/10/2024 19:51

Only from really silly people OP. I think this is one of those things that you just ignore and think a bit less of them for saying, and then move on from.

jelliebelly · 09/10/2024 19:54

Yes and it's the same in the workplace too - quiet/introverted much more likely to be overlooked for de elopement/promotion etc

Berlinlover · 09/10/2024 19:57

Lovetotravel123 · 09/10/2024 19:38

As a teacher, I can say that quiet can be absolutely lovely! We need all kinds of people in this world.

I wish my teachers were like you. The fact that I was quiet seemed to annoy most of them.

Daisymae55 · 09/10/2024 19:59

I’ve always been quiet and have experienced this myself. I’m not watching the same happen with DD. She’s a wonderful, bright, caring girl, but mums at playgroup fixate on the fact she’s quiet

TweedleLand · 09/10/2024 20:06

Yes. I'm sick of parents evenings where I'm told my kids should make their voices heard. Or teachers who express disappointment that they don't want to be in the school play.

Their strengths lie elsewhere but rarely recognised.

JesusOnAYamaha · 09/10/2024 20:07

People are probably just checking that all is ok with her. Some people don't say much because they don't want to. Others don't say much because they're anxious or struggling socially. It's not always clear which applies. You say yourself that she's not very confident. Perhaps the other parents have picked up on this and don't know whether to set things up to help her become more confident/to steer their kids to be a bit more mindful around her.

Flanjango · 09/10/2024 20:12

I was told mine was "painfully shy" or "was happy just to get on with things alone". She was selective mute 🤦‍♀️. Thing is a double edged sword with the quiet ones. If they don't speak up things get missed and they are assumed to be okay even when they really aren't. When you raise concerns you are met with stunned faces saying they look fine to them. Often meaning they are left without support as they are so "easy to teach". Mine even ended up as helper to a senior child who needed more support...she was never rotated like the others to talk to different kids as she never complained.

Flanjango · 09/10/2024 20:13

Sen child not senior. I should proof read 🤦‍♀️

MeMyselfIgor · 09/10/2024 20:16

When you say quiet, do you mean that she speaks rarely but when she does it is at a normal volume? Or that she actually speaks very quietly? I'm a teacher and I understand that some children do not want to speak frequently in class (although it honestly makes my lessons so much more interesting, interactive and useful for all concerned when the students will engage with me in discussions instead of just listening to me droning on all the time). I do however perhaps have a 'prejudice' (or rather, I find it difficult to deal with) when the student speak very quietly or mumbles and can't be understood. It is embarrassing for all concerned when I have to ask a child to repeat themselves 4 times because I can't understand what they want to say! I would never say that you should try to change their personality, but please do make sure your child can speak up clearly and express themselves well when they do want to be hear. It is a great gift and will stand them in very good stead for their whole lives.

TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 09/10/2024 20:17

Yes, there definitely is.

Original poster
Orangebadger · 09/10/2024 20:19

@JesusOnAYamaha yes perhaps. She's not lacking in confidence as such but is maybe not as confident as others. Or should I say as others appear, I do know that she is actually more resilient than some of her friends who come across as more confident as they are more outgoing. I only know this as they have all recently started secondary school and she has coped well with a couple of setbacks.

She is more outgoing with her friends and once she gets to know adults but she is not loud.

Luckily she has always been liked by all her teachers, but they have commented on her quietness etc. I think they are probably thinking more about confidence though.

It's the parents of more extroverted children that bring a rage out in me. It's the smug superiority. I really never knew this was a thing until my DD start school.

How, as a parent should I deal with it? I don't want her thinking her being quiet makes her a lesser person. She does happen to have a lot of very extrovert friends who love drama and being centre of attention. They are lovely girls and probably get on well with my DD as she lets them have that space as they are so opposite.

But with schools I do think that all the focus on performing in primary school really does not help quieter kids who don't want to or don't enjoy performing . It really can do the opposite of build the confidence it seeks to develop and I do wonder if that had a negative effect on my DD.

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HelterSkelter224 · 09/10/2024 20:23

My daughter came home from nursery today saying "mummy I'm shy", I'm raging. She observes new situations and new people, and takes a while to warm up. She will engage in her own good time and is kind, sensitive, affectionate and intelligent, and makes friends easily but with a small select group.

I was always "the shy girl" and I don't want my daughter dismissed outright with a label of "shy", especially in a nursery setting which is meant to nurture her whole self. So I completely understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately our society values extroversion more 🙁

TurquoiseDress · 09/10/2024 20:24

Yes absolutely this

I was definitely a quiet child at times (especially when my parents rows & arguments escalated in our home- I just wanted to keep my head down and not be a cause of trouble) and I've definitely been referred to as timid and shy both as a child and an adult esp in my 20s

For me quiet is NOT the same as timid or shy...just because I'm not shouting my head off/talking crap non stop does not make me timid/shy/quiet

Original poster
Orangebadger · 09/10/2024 20:25

@MeMyselfIgor she used to talk very quietly when she was around 8/ 9 years old but she has had some great teachers and between us we have worked at encouraging her to projecther voice. She's actually fine with that now and does contribute in class, not a massive amount but enough and she talks louder and more clearly.

Tbh once she gets to know the teachers she is OK

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