To hate the phrase "No Thank you"

[Wishingplenty]

I really hate the phrase "No Thank you" often said to a very young child, usually in a high pitched condescending tone, often when said child just wants to interact in a friendly manner with whoever is saying it's child.
Case in point, my 10 month old baby who has just started crawling, crawled up to a child about 3 and wanted to look at her boots. Mother of said child says loudly in a really high pitched condescending to tone oh "No Thank you" to my baby son.
Why say this to a baby? and why are you teaching your toddler to be totally unpleasant to a much younger child?
I have encountered this a few times to varying degrees with other children and just find it so utterly rude and nasty and most of all completely unnecessary!

But babies can absolutely be a nuisance. Especially to 3 year olds who don’t want their shoes to be touched.

It isn’t cruel. It’s fine for babies to hear the word no.

Imagine someone touching OP’s baby? There would be a hysterical thread about that too.

The only time I have said “no, thank you” with any sort of venom is when my original “no, thank you” has not been listened to and I’ve had to really emphasise the no. I had a street fundraiser who asked if I had a few minutes spare and I replied with a no, thank you. He persisted following me down the street and I gave him a no, thank you with more force and a lot more venom. He was deeply offended too but I’d already been polite. My guess is that you’ve already ignored the mum’s other polite decline of your baby invading her child’s space.

It's a baby group. It's generally a place you can be a little more relaxed with your children, ie let them have a little wander etc, in a safer environment.

Yes perhaps the 3yo is ND/Immunocompromised/previously abused/prone to booting babies/had a bad morning or many other reasons why the mum might have wished the baby not to touch her child, but it wouldn't have hurt her just to say "sorry, she doesn't want to be touched" as a basic response, rather than making OP feel like her baby is some kind of leper. And yes I know the mum doesn't HAVE to elaborate, but it surely would have been less awkward and no big deal to do so.

I am really curious about you calling this pompous?!
She is spot on, how is this pompous? Do you not think it’s essential to teach kids boundaries?

To normalise cruelty to babies, because that is what it is

Jesus.

I agree with you OP. I would have said ‘Oh look! The baby wants to see your boots… can you show him the stars/zip whatever. It’s good to teach your children to be tolerant and friendly especially to a baby. Obviously 3 year olds don’t always play ball so if mine had said no and walked away or whatever I wouldn’t of forced it but to just start with a blanket ‘no thank you’ 🙄 so precious.

I totally agree. Our eldest was also always very tall for his age. I vividly remember a woman at a soft-play berating him for not putting on his own shoes 'at his age' and then berating me for letting him be lazy. She made so many judgements about him and how he was meant to behave by his height and how I was meant to parent him thinking he was older - most of the kids P1 and he was beyond shattered having succeeded in keeping up for an hour (Yes, he was quite capable of putting on his shoes, but he was due a nap and almost asleep on his feet. We both ignored her self-righteous self - although 17 years on I obviously still have not forgotten 😂).

Any Mums & Tots I've ever been to try to make a designated safe space for the babies to crawl and other areas for the toddlers to roam. Sometimes there is overlap, especially with siblings, but it is sort of understood that there is a health & safety aspect to keeping your own kid under control. To say 'No' to your baby is in no way cruel.

I really would not be offended by 'No Thank You' whatever the tone. Remember, some of the adults in that room won't have had a full night's sleep in literally YEARS. A 'No thank you' in any tone is a perfectly legitimate response. For the avoidance of doubt 'You are welcome' falls into the same non-offensive category.

Don't teach your kid to be offended, thin skinned and judgemental, otherwise they see slights where there are none, that is really hard work.

And if you genuinely feel offended, don't give that person the satisfaction of knowing it remotely got to you - humour helps if you are awake enough.

OP, I understand you. Your baby is precious to you and you think everyone should be kind to them. People have feelings and challenges. You don’t know what the mum ( and the kid) was going through.

In an ideal world it shouldn't be a a big deal to expect another parent to be kind and want to interact with your child.
Before I had kids, I loved babies and then had mine and realised that I only had enough energy for mine. I usually would just smile and ignore because I don’t really have the energy.

Let it go. It’s bound to happen again when children are exploring.

I have been a mother for 7 years now, and have managed in all that time to always be polite and kind, even in difficult situations with other people's children. It would never cross my mind to act in the way I experienced today.

Do you think there are mothers out there who have tolerated your babies trying to touch their poor kids’ shoes for the last 7 years? 😂

@Wishingplenty, I have to thank you- I can't remember the last time I laughed as hard as I have at your OP and replies. I will be returning to this thread the next time I need cheering up.

Off to re-read it all now for one last laugh before bed.

I'm sorry but no, my 3 year old is a person in her own right and she is not duty bound to interact with a stranger's child, and certainly not duty bound to let a stranger's child touch her, if she doesn't want to. Saying "no thank you" is what I have taught her to say, aligning with her nursery's own approach. It is polite and shouldn't be questioned. I have often said it out loud myself to help teach her. If either of my children were rude to someone, then I would be the first to step in, but the idea that they 'owe' anyone an interaction is nonsense and fails to see them as individuals. Be polite? Always. But allow a baby to play with their shoes if they don't want them to? Then no, that's their choice and I would support them in that.

This thread is reminding me of “Mog and the baby”. OP is your name IRL “Mrs Clutterbuck”? Just to let you know, if your baby ever nearly gets run over the annoyed looking cat was not the one who “saved” him.

100% this

'No thank you' is not rude its EXACTLY the same as saying 'sorry, no don't touch' (in fact politer).

Just because something is a baby or soft play area does not mean you can just let your kid touch others... thats absoloutly NOT how these places work.

Everyone hates the parent who gets to the soft play or play group and instantly starts ignoring their kid because everyone else will watch him for you... No you watch them (its not a 'safe environment' where you don't need to parent) and everyone else watches their own (and in this case protects their own).

Get a grip 😂😂

Hmmm fit?

It’s a little terrifying that the OP has two older children. Can you imagine how they were with the PFB? AIBU to have told the woman at the next table in Starbucks that she’s emotionally scarred my baby by refusing to play peekaboo with her for 10 minutes?

Mumsnetters are so odd. They're often horrible to others and then act surprised when society isn't very pleasant.

For the OP, yes it was an unnecessary comment and I understand why it upset you.

It’s far more precious to get as upset as OP over a simple “no thank you”.

This

Yes this. Sorry OP I think you’re overreacting a tad here, just forget about it and move on and try not to let it stress you out.

Someone not wanting to interact with your baby doesn’t make them venomous or acting with contempt and certainly isn’t cruelty to babies… it’s not like she physically assaulted you baby or screamed in its face.

Not everyone thinks dogs are cute and wants them jumping and slobbering on them, that’s not animal cruelty.

i wonder at what age its acceptable for someone to say 'no thank you' to her kids.

I meant directly tell the mother "she doesn't like being touched"... not talk to the mother through a 10 month old baby, which in my eyes is ridiculous.

The baby crawled over to another child and was obviously in view of his mum. She wasn't not paying attention and expecting someone else to parent her child for 5 minutes peace. I expect she was enjoying watching him have a little freedom.

Ah, but it wasn’t just ‘no thank you’. It was a condescending ‘no thank you’ said with venomous contempt.